My ex sent me a long message venting

[Honeycomb8]

Should I reply. He basically made it seem like I never cared and was using him, among other things. It seems to me he's pretty cut up. ;/

[reinventmyself]

Without knowing the whole story, I don't think texting emotional information is ever a good idea.

If you want to respond, call him and give him an opportunity to say what he wanted to say - in a mature way.

Then respond if you feel you need to you.

Otherwise, just let it go.

[Honeycomb8]

I broke up with him because it wasn't working out. He seemed like he was fine with it but sent me the msg early morning, like it didn't seem as though he slept much. :/ I dunno if replying would help the situation.

[reinventmyself]

Well. . .then I'd let I would definitely let it go.

He had a moment and needed to vent. Consider it done.

[Honeycomb8]

I wanted to tell him to think what he wanted, but that i do care about him and that it wasn't easy for me. Not sure if that would just make it worse.

[reinventmyself]

I wanted to tell him to think what he wanted, but that i do care about him and that it wasn't easy for me. Not sure if that would just make it worse.

 

Yah. . when having been dumped, `I do care about you' (but no longer want you) isn't what someone wants to hear.

If he's upset there probably isn't anything you can say to make it better.

And giving him permission to believe his version probably isn't helpful if you think about it.

[Honeycomb8]

I don't want to have to defend myself. I do care, he just isn't right for me. If i don't reply, wouldn't it seem like I really didn't give a crap?

[reinventmyself]

I am not sure there is a perfect answer for this.

You can tell him you care if you think it helps.

[abitbroken]

Don't reply. If he sends a second message i would tell him "sorry, but I don't want to rehash this. i don't see this working out" - i would not say "care" like sweetgirl says because that's more cruel/or leaves a breadcrumb

[Hollyj]

No. You need to block.

[saluk]

He is hoping for a response - any response - that his mind can twist into thinking that you made a mistake to break up but you are just too stubborn to realize or admit it yet.

[katrina1980]

He basically made it seem like I never cared and was using him, among other things. /

 

He's guilt tripping you, trying to gaslight you into thinking YOU have some sort of problem.

 

Under any other circumstance (i.e. him not gaslighting you) I would say respond, but not to an attempt to gaslight.

 

SG said it's cruel to not respond, I think him attempting to gaslight you is cruel! It's also not fair and uncalled for.

 

I presume you already said your piece when you ended it, there is NO need to repeat what you already told him (you're not right for each other, etc.)

 

I understand he's hurting, but to lash out at you, essentially accusing you of never caring and using him?

 

No, not acceptable, I would not respond to that.

[Honeycomb8]

I essentially replied after reading the first msgs and ... :/ it was a mistake. He told me to leave him alone and then sent a really passive aggressive pic insinuating something about me. Sigh I now kinda regret dating him. Talk about being immature. I feel really disappointed that he ruined my impression of him. I used to think he was a great guy, now after this I just think he's an idiot boy that still hasn't grown up.

[boltnrun]

Well, sure makes it easy to move forward!

 

Onward and upward!

[Pleasedonot5]

Ok, I was going to say to send him a polite, caring, but reaffirming message as another poster had mentioned, but now you have your answer. Ignore future communications.

[Honeycomb8]

I was very straight forward with him and also told him I felt that I had to end things. Told him I thought about it for two weeks just to not make a rash decision. I felt upset that I was hurting him but he seemed so totally fine when i ended things...I wasn't expecting such a ranty message at 4am.

 

I also mentioned things just weren't working out, that I was getting irritated at him and it shouldn't have been that way. And I wanted to break up because of lots of things. Some of which he was already aware of.

 

He seemed fine. He obviously isn't. I feel bad for him but let down he had to take a final jab at me. He's gonna be closer to mid 30s very soon. You'd think he'd be more mature by now. :/

[katrina1980]

I've gone off on an ex before. I've had them go off on me as well . It wasn't malicious intent, it was from hurt. Thats why I say the silent treatment is cruel. Offer up one kind reply to end it firmly. If they insist or still are aggressive, cut contact.

I don't believe in just ignoring without one last attempt to clear something or end it. So many are left to find their own closure and suffer. If things had been clear as day with breakup, and left on good terms, he most likely would not have done this. Seems it was left with hard feelings during the breakup, which happens.

 

I get that he's hurt but grown ups need to learn to control their emotions and not unload on their ex's especially if their ex ended it fairly and politely.

 

I've been hurt more times than I can count, I have never unloaded on any of my ex's. I deal with my emotions *myself*.

 

Not judging you for doing, but I have had ex's unload on me after which I made the unfortunate mistake of responding, and ALL that served to do was keep the drama going!

 

It never just ended with one last txt from me.

 

One guy I dated unloaded in excess of 20 texts on me within a five minute period, continuing his rant. I stopped reading after awhile and sent them all to trash.

 

My responding back to him that first time had made it worse!

[katrina1980]

I essentially replied after reading the first msgs and ... :/ it was a mistake. He told me to leave him alone and then sent a really passive aggressive pic insinuating something about me. Sigh I now kinda regret dating him. Talk about being immature. I feel really disappointed that he ruined my impression of him. I used to think he was a great guy, now after this I just think he's an idiot boy that still hasn't grown up.

 

My point exactly.

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with that HC, time to block.

[katrina1980]

I understand why it happens SG, I just think it's uncalled for and unnecessary.

 

And judging from how they continued their ranting after I responded back the first time, it did not help, it made it worse.

 

And now with HC's ex, she responds after which he proceeds to insult her? Or tries to.

 

Just my experience but it's never served any good purpose to respond back to a rant like that, even once.

 

If you feel you want to respond back to something like that, that's fine, not my place to judge, we all have our own boundaries, styles etc.

[Red88]

I've gone off on an ex before. I've had them go off on me as well . It wasn't malicious intent, it was from hurt. Thats why I say the silent treatment is cruel. Offer up one kind reply to end it firmly. If they insist or still are aggressive, cut contact.

I don't believe in just ignoring without one last attempt to clear something or end it. So many are left to find their own closure and suffer. If things had been clear as day with breakup, and left on good terms, he most likely would not have done this. Seems it was left with hard feelings during the breakup, which happens.

 

100% agree.

[figureitout23]

I was very straight forward with him and also told him I felt that I had to end things. Told him I thought about it for two weeks just to not make a rash decision. I felt upset that I was hurting him but he seemed so totally fine when i ended things...I wasn't expecting such a ranty message at 4am.

 

I also mentioned things just weren't working out, that I was getting irritated at him and it shouldn't have been that way. And I wanted to break up because of lots of things. Some of which he was already aware of.

 

He seemed fine. He obviously isn't. I feel bad for him but let down he had to take a final jab at me. He's gonna be closer to mid 30s very soon. You'd think he'd be more mature by now. :/

 

I really don't understand why you did that.

 

Pretty much everyone said ' don't respond' or if you do ' be straightforward and short' and you went and rehashed the whole relationship.

 

What's done is done, let sleeping dogs lie. Now you know, if an ex you dumped tried to rehash things with you be the bigger person and give short simple adult responses and walk away.

 

Was he immature? Yeah kinda but you kinda played right along side him.

 

You keep saying he seemed fine as if it matters. It's doesn't, not in the grand scheme of things, we aren't meant to keep tabs on all our exes. I know some people think it's smart, but their purpose in our lives was as a romantic partner, once that's out the door some significant time must pass before we can even see them differently and I truly believe that otherwise it's just drama as evidenced here.

[RayRay63]

I don't want to have to defend myself. I do care, he just isn't right for me. If i don't reply, wouldn't it seem like I really didn't give a crap?

 

 

You are the one person in the world who can not help him right now. Anything you do will make it worse for him. You just announced to him you didn't want him romantically in your life. He doesn't need you to be his friend.

[Wiseman2]

Don't take the bait. Just block and delete.

Should I reply.

[Chris12189]

From what I got out of this he seems a bit narcissistic; He would only want you back to end it himself. Then again I suck at relationships so take it with a grain of salt

[Honeycomb8]

I really don't understand why you did that.

 

Pretty much everyone said ' don't respond' or if you do ' be straightforward and short' and you went and rehashed the whole relationship.

 

What's done is done, let sleeping dogs lie. Now you know, if an ex you dumped tried to rehash things with you be the bigger person and give short simple adult responses and walk away.

 

Was he immature? Yeah kinda but you kinda played right along side him.

 

You keep saying he seemed fine as if it matters. It's doesn't, not in the grand scheme of things, we aren't meant to keep tabs on all our exes. I know some people think it's smart, but their purpose in our lives was as a romantic partner, once that's out the door some significant time must pass before we can even see them differently and I truly believe that otherwise it's just drama as evidenced here.

 

I think you misread. I said I said those things when I actually ended things with him.

 

Also, I only replied because it was at the start of the thread when I was recommended to reply and give him some closure.