Dumped because of infidelity 20 years ago

[Dazednconfused79]

Such a mixed bag of responses.

 

I am not close friends at all with the ex I cheated on 20 years ago. We are just "Friends" on Facebook and and generally very very occasionally comment on each other's posts like normal people do. The past is not an issue for us. That is all it is, I have no designs on this woman at all. Having not seen her for 20 years means I barely know her anymore. I can't see how this is a problem.

 

I am glad there is agreement on her overreacting. It is of course fine to have it as a red flag, I can understand that. But there is a huge difference between someone that is a serial cheater or a recent cheater and me as dumb young guy making a silly mistake because he was emotionally immature. I am quote simply not that person anymore and haven't been for a very long time.

 

I would have offered all of the assurances she needed if I had known she needed them, but on the face of it things all seemed ok that she was working to get past it, and importantly, wanted to. It seems like this was a big ask for her. I wish I could understand why she's given up trying and how this might be saved.

[Hollyj]

She showed you there different times that she cannot get over it.

 

I am guessing that this is not the only thing that she has been overly dramatic with?

[Dazednconfused79]

She showed you there different times that she cannot get over it.

 

I am guessing that this is not the only thing that she has been overly dramatic with?

 

 

Actually no. Other than this there hasn't been a single other thing that she been even just dramatic about.

 

You would think that someone overreacting like this would be doing it all over the place. But no. She's normally calm and rational.

[wgmitch]

A true cheater is a liar. The cheating itself is lying to their partner. So if you are a real cheater, once one always one, then why would you ever tell the truth? Unless, you have truly changed and it is all behind you, which it sounds like you have.

 

I think you did the right thing in telling the truth. I'm sorry about the outcome, but I think NC is the way to go and see where that takes you. If she contacts you please take the time to get some advice before you precede.

 

But, eight months isn't enough time to get to know someone or know if they are the one. I think this all happened for a reason.

 

Mitch

[bluecastle]

Such a mixed bag of responses.

 

I am not close friends at all with the ex I cheated on 20 years ago. We are just "Friends" on Facebook and and generally very very occasionally comment on each other's posts like normal people do. The past is not an issue for us. That is all it is, I have no designs on this woman at all. Having not seen her for 20 years means I barely know her anymore. I can't see how this is a problem.

 

I am glad there is agreement on her overreacting. It is of course fine to have it as a red flag, I can understand that. But there is a huge difference between someone that is a serial cheater or a recent cheater and me as dumb young guy making a silly mistake because he was emotionally immature. I am quote simply not that person anymore and haven't been for a very long time.

 

I would have offered all of the assurances she needed if I had known she needed them, but on the face of it things all seemed ok that she was working to get past it, and importantly, wanted to. It seems like this was a big ask for her. I wish I could understand why she's given up trying and how this might be saved.

 

Sadly, the only way this can be "saved" in a way that is genuine is if she becomes someone who, right now, she is not. Because you have already offered her all the assurances you could: you were honest (great quality), you explained that you'd learned from a dumb, very human mistake made when you were barely out of high school. You blamed no one but yourself, which is called accountability (also a great quality).

 

You don't want to be put in a position where you are constantly apologizing for the past. You don't even want to be in a position where you're trying to differentiate between a serial cheater, a recent cheater, and a onetime cheater post-adolescence. That's all simply unfair, untenable. It'll just make you feel guilty and terrible about yourself (as you already do) when you have no reason to feel that way. You are who you are, a sum of your experiences, and your partner should accept that.

 

For whatever reason—reasons that have nothing to do with you—she cannot. This isn't to blame her or demean her—it's just where she's at, who she is right now. You can't bend into a different shape than the one you're in, and that shape isn't working. No for her, not for you.

[Unreasonable]

I'm wondering if you suddenly suffered a case of temporary insanity! Even if you're a cheater, you never admit you cheated in a relationship! Cheaters certainly won't. There's being honest, and being harshly HONEST.

 

On ENA we have seen post after post that as soon as someone admits to even sleeping with more people than the other person, the relationship is over. Both men and women can't get the image out of their minds that their partner may have slept with even one more person than they did. And cheating? As you pointed out, a lot of people believe that once a cheater always a cheater! And the fact that you're still friends with that girl -- that's why your ex blew up! She's still in your life.

 

So you and anyone reading this should keep in mind that you can be honest, but you don't have to tell your partner your whole dating and sexual history. I don't have much to brag about, but I've never told my wife about a couple of failed relationships I had (girls don't want to date a loser), and I don't correct her when she brings up that I only slept with a friend of mine once (I had told her it was several times, but I'm not going to keep reminding her). What am I, crazy?

 

In your case, you could have either denied cheating out of politeness and respect, or changed the answer to a promise that you would never cheat on your her and not directly answering her question.

 

I think the other posters calling her immature or crazy are missing several points. On ENA people have written in about how they couldn't accept their partner's past and broke up their relationships because of it, and the fact that you're still friends with the girl you cheated with and the suspicion you could cheat again. When people are in love, their emotions and logic revert to those of a teenager's, and even though you didn't cheat on her, she just couldn't get the image that you cheated at all out of her mind.

 

So when it comes to sparing the feelings of another person, keep in mind Emily Post's "little white lies." It is OK to tell a little white lie to spare another person's feelings. And in this case, when you're talking about something that happened 20 years ago when you were immature and stupid, it would have been OK to say, no, you had never cheated rather than to hurt your girlfriend in this way. Hopefully you will remember Emily Post in answering any future personal questions like this.

 

I can't think of a single case where somebody on ENA was all upset about something their partner did before they were a couple and nobody told them to go easy on the person and/or get over it. Not when they were being honest.

 

If there was even the slightest chance this could have been found out (and there is, this person's alive AND a facebook friend), lying about such a thing is extremely foolish.

[Lambert]

You have to consider the severity of her actions, the timing, and lack of self control as her true personality....

 

-crying & leaving the pub bc you cheated as a young man.... come on. that is selfish, immature and overly dramatic.

 

- ruining what could have been a nice time, your birthday.... come on, she had to bring it up, again! and on your birthday..... again displaying selfish, immature and dramatic behavior

 

-breaking up with you! no one is the person they were 20 years ago.... we are not talking about murder.

 

bottom line.... you dodge a bullet! what if you had a real problem, she cannot handle it... life, marriage, these are difficult things at times. you need someone that understands, doesn't cut and run....

 

i would be so mad, if i were you. either she is a plain old psycho woman or she was looking for an out....

 

either way, its not an ideal situation. there is no law against dumping someone for any reason, but sometimes the reason says more about the dumper than the dumpee.

 

i feel for you.... i am pretty long in the tooth myself, so i know what you meant about reaching a certain age and the relationship becoming more serious in less time. its scary to think you have to start again.

 

but you will.....

 

chin up. you dodged a bullet and when you find the right woman you will be glad you did not marry this one.

[Dazednconfused79]

I do like to credit her with the ability to be honest. I don't think she was looking for an out. Plenty of less specific things you can use as an out if you really just want to go. If she just wanted to go, then I think I would have had an "I'm not feeling it....." or similar cause. One of those ambiguous ones.

 

She has a real issue with infidelity, even just other people's is enough for her to struggle to trust. I do understand that, which I why I did not lose my temper with her when she brought it up or got upset. It's a big deal for her and I was nothing but supportive. Sadly, she doesn't seem to have the tools to handle it and move past it on her own. I appreciate that she has this hang-up baggage, it has never put me off. I'm nearly 40, no single people this age have no baggage, but you'd hope that most have the capacity to identify it and get past it as it's holding them back and making them lose out on opportunities to be happy.

[Lambert]

I'm nearly 40, no single people this age have no baggage, but you'd hope that most have the capacity to identify it and get past it as it's holding them back and making them lose out on opportunities to be happy.

 

that's just it..... its their issue. when you deal through baggage you learn to put the baggage down and move forward.

 

when a person is not ready, they use the baggage to stay the same.

 

there's nothing you can do....

 

in time, she may work through... you may move on.

 

you can only live your life and address any future decision when those things happen.

 

i personally, do not intend for any of the things that happened to me, preclude me from being happy.

 

the future is yet to be....

[Dazednconfused79]

i personally, do not intend for any of the things that happened to me, preclude me from being happy.

 

I agree with this massively. It is something I believe in also and live by. My old insecurities exist, but I'm aware of them enough to have enough control over them to let them not affect my happiness, much at least. It's very hard at the time, but when you manage to block your insecurities in a situation and it comes out for the better, it's an empowering feeling.

[bluecastle]

I agree with this massively. It is something I believe in also and live by. My old insecurities exist, but I'm aware of them enough to have enough control over them to let them not affect my happiness, much at least. It's very hard at the time, but when you manage to block your insecurities in a situation and it comes out for the better, it's an empowering feeling.

 

Exactly! All of us have deep insecurities that will be part of us forever. The key is understanding them, so we're not prisoners to them. Then they can be observed, not reacted on. And this isn't something you can teach someone, or bring out in them. It's there or it's not.

 

For whatever it's worth, I'm a year younger than you and 7 months out of a 3 year relationship with a woman who displayed similar tendencies as your ex. I saw what I wanted to see for a long, long time, dimming the whispers the cropped up in my mind, turning those red flags into pretty little scarves. The center never quite held because the center was never quite there. It did not end well, but the big lesson was: you cannot fix someone else's broken pieces. You can accept them, cherish them, but if they turn them on you you are just in trouble.

[Dazednconfused79]

Exactly! All of us have deep insecurities that will be part of us forever. The key is understanding them, so we're not prisoners to them. Then they can be observed, not reacted on. And this isn't something you can teach someone, or bring out in them. It's there or it's not.

 

For whatever it's worth, I'm a year younger than you and 7 months out of a 3 year relationship with a woman who displayed similar tendencies as your ex. I saw what I wanted to see for a long, long time, dimming the whispers the cropped up in my mind, turning those red flags into pretty little scarves. The center never quite held because the center was never quite there. It did not end well, but the big lesson was: you cannot fix someone else's broken pieces. You can accept them, cherish them, but if they turn them on you you are just in trouble.

 

 

You are right, in that she is projecting her fears and previous experiences on to me. It's giving her a false image of me and she just can't see past it.

 

I'm a terrible one for wanting to "fix" girlfriends, but I have not tried to do that here. I am me and I am none of the bad things that she has had in the past with her previous partners. I didn't even need to try. I could just be me. Or so I thought.

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, for whatever reason this was a huge hot-button issue for her. That's why she asked this question in the first place. Think about it, it's not the usual getting to know you type question.

She has a real issue with infidelity, even just other people's is enough for her to struggle to trust.

[Dazednconfused79]

Yeah, for whatever reason this was a huge hot-button issue for her. That's why she asked this question in the first place. Think about it, it's not the usual getting to know you type question.

 

But surely it can be worked on. You give an enormous amount of trust when you give your love to someone. If you can do that then an issue like this something you work through and grow closer as a result.

[bluecastle]

But surely it can be worked on. You give an enormous amount of trust when you give your love to someone. If you can do that then an issue like this something you work through and grow closer as a result.

 

You're absolutely right—with the right person who shares that outlook and those values. She is not there right now, and from one Mr. Fix-It to another I'm advising you that you need to just accept that the same way you accept that the Earth is round.

 

I know how painful it is because I am in a much, much more complicated version of this. I'll spare you the details. But suffice to say that my ex has shown only an ability to project her pain outward rather than try to understand it from the inside. Everything is someone else's fault, namely mine, including her cheating on me for six months. Therefore there is no issue to "work through" for her, only blame to be dispensed, only isolation instead of closeness. So for all my interest in fixing things, I've learned that in a relationship I need a fellow handyman and not, to put in crudely, a broken sink.

 

I believe there are few issues between people that can't be fixed. I believe fixing them together can be as awesome as hot sex or gooey Valentine gifts. But the people doing the fixing can't be broken themselves.

[SherrySher]

She would have never allowed you to be human. Many of us have made stupid mistakes when we were much younger and less mature. But we grew from these experiences and became better human beings.

Your girlfriend does not understand this concept. She would have been very harsh on you regarding certain things with no understanding, no sympathy and no forgiveness.

 

I truly am shocked over her running out of the restaurant and crying...what an ass! She embarrassed herself more than anything. She wasn't the one you cheated on. Good lord!

Once again it reeks of immaturity.

 

You may have felt like you lost "the one" but she wasn't the one. She needs loads more growing up before she is ready for a healthy adult relationship.

She is the one who needs therapy, not you.

[Dazednconfused79]

She would have never allowed you to be human. Many of us have made stupid mistakes when we were much younger and less mature. But we grew from these experiences and became better human beings.

Your girlfriend does not understand this concept. She would have been very harsh on you regarding certain things with no understanding, no sympathy and no forgiveness.

 

I truly am shocked over her running out of the restaurant and crying...what an ass! She embarrassed herself more than anything. She wasn't the one you cheated on. Good lord!

Once again it reeks of immaturity.

 

You may have felt like you lost "the one" but she wasn't the one. She needs loads more growing up before she is ready for a healthy adult relationship.

She is the one who needs therapy, not you.

 

 

I was surprised too on how she reacted that night. She didn't go running out of the restaurant. She just went very quiet, then excused herself and when she came back

 

Thank you. I do know that I have done nothing wrong and I have done the right thing by being honest and the right thing in being supportive and assuring whenever it has come up. In between that I have demonstrated my love for her in many ways and never given her any cause do doubt me or my intentions.

 

 

She has chosen to run from this rather than sort it out with someone she loves and who loves her. Probably the best possible way to do that. It feels like I wasn't important enough to her to do that though. I still think it might be that she see's that as a fault with me rather than the other way round. She'll find a guy without this past, or one that will lie about it.

 

A week has passed now and I've not heard a thing from her.

[SherrySher]

She reacted to this very badly, leaving the pub and crying outside before coming back in

 

That's why I thought she cried and ran outside?

 

Truth be told though, she might have just wanted to break up with you and used this as an excuse....cowards way out.

[Dazednconfused79]

That's why I thought she cried and ran outside?

 

Truth be told though, she might have just wanted to break up with you and used this as an excuse....cowards way out.

 

 

She gave me no clue that there was any other reason for wanting to break up with me.

 

I asked if there were any other issues or if there was another person. She said no, everything with me was perfect and this trust problem was all that was stopping her from committing.

 

Looking back at the relationship I can find the odd thing I didn't do perfectly, but importantly I did them well nonetheless.

[SherrySher]

She might not be honest herself with not giving you the real reason. I just can't hardly believe that someone would dump a decent person over a mistake they made so long ago...it's mind boggling.

 

Even so, if she was willing to dump you over this, that is massively immature and a serious mental issue with her. So she might have done you a favor in leaving, in fact from your description on how she act's, I would guarantee she did.

[OhGreat]

She gave me no clue that there was any other reason for wanting to break up with me.

 

I asked if there were any other issues or if there was another person. She said no, everything with me was perfect and this trust problem was all that was stopping her from committing.

 

Looking back at the relationship I can find the odd thing I didn't do perfectly, but importantly I did them well nonetheless.

 

Dumpers seldom givethe real reason and can act like everything is perfect right up until the minute they dump you. Or the real reason can be so bad they don’t want to share (like they are cheating).

 

Moreover, they might not even know the reason - women are infamous for this, they just “feel” things aren’t right. My ex did that to me when I asked her why she was dumping me after 7 years. All I got was “I don’t know”. She could have been cheating for all I know. I won’t put anything past any woman despite their proclamations of undying love.

 

Although this hurts now, imagine what you life would have been like if you had to walk on egg shells forever. One thing I’ve found is it’s really critical to be able to be yourself with your girl. Not a jerk, but comfortable as you are with your friends. Even if you find one who can let you be you, there is no saying they will stick around though.

[jennylove]

I wonder how the conversations go between her and her friends/family when she's asked why you guys broke up.

 

"Well..(sobbing).... because...because... that SOB cheated on a girl he was dating 20 years ago..(sobbing)

 

Other people: ummmmm

[Dazednconfused79]

I wonder how the conversations go between her and her friends/family when she's asked why you guys broke up.

 

"Well..(sobbing).... because...because... that SOB cheated on a girl he was dating 20 years ago..(sobbing)

 

Other people: ummmmm

 

I would like to think that's how the conversations go.

 

I can't believe she was cheating. How hippocritical would that be based on how she has reacted and all she has said.

[bluecastle]

I would like to think that's how the conversations go.

 

I can't believe she was cheating. How hippocritical would that be based on how she has reacted and all she has said.

 

Listen, you can't kill yourself picking this all apart. Of course, though, you will: that's part of the process. You kind of turn it all over and over (and over and over) until you're too tired to keep turning it over. That's kind of when you've healed, or started to, when the fatigue of holding on allows you to just kind of let go.

 

Was she cheating? Who knows? I can tell you that my ex, who had a similar catastrophic streak as yours, had an awful way of blaming me for her actions and accusing me of doing things she was actually doing. And, yes, I mean cheating. The moment she started having an affair was the moment she began constantly attacking me for the way I was with other women. It was dizzying and manipulative, since I knew I was not cheating. Still, I found myself constantly apologizing—that Mr. Fix-It thing, turned against me.

 

We've been broken up now and still she does this. Recently she saw a photo I posted on social media—a harmless shot of a female friend—and shot me a mean little note out of nowhere about how she couldn't believe that's who I was with. Mind you, we've been apart 7 months, she's been with many men since, and had two affairs during the last six months of our relationship. I have yet to date, because I'm not ready. I'm far enough out now that I can just kind of shrug it off, but my point is that sometimes people really are that hypocritical. There is something in themselves they aren't being honest about—feelings, actions, whatever—and project all that onto you to feel momentarily superior and in control.

 

Your ex was doing some version of this, and you're best off staying away from it. None of this really has anything to do with you. It's her issues, but thrown at you, and it would happen again and again inside the relationship should it have continued.

[Dazednconfused79]

Well you can all grab this chance to kick a man while he's down.

 

I decided today to reach out to my ex. A simple text saying I had been thinking about her and how was she doing.

 

No reply whatsoever. I am allowed to think that's harsh. I know you will all say otherwise, but it is.