Confused by his behaviour

[Luckynumber2]

If I wanted a relationship I would be actively dating and looking for the one. I am not interested because I am very happy single after being with an abusive narcissist for two years. It took me a while to get my confidence back and be the happy person I was before I met him.

 

I get asked out on dates by male friends often, they want more than friendship with me but I'm not interested. I think I'm emotionally unavailable or am I just very happy single with no games, lies or stress or both.

[katrina1980]

If I wanted a relationship I would be actively dating and looking for the one. I am not interested because I am very happy single after being with an abusive narcissist for two years. It took me a while to get my confidence back and be the happy person I was before I met him.

 

I get asked out on dates by male friends often, they want more than friendship with me but I'm not interested.

 

----

 

I think I'm emotionally unavailable.......

 

Bingo. I'm glad to see you finally owning that.

 

And as j.man said "like attracts like."

 

Just be honest about that with the men you meet; this "I only date one at a time" is very misleading when in fact you are emotionally unavailable and prefer being single.

 

I agree with MLD, your actions don't match your words.

 

And yeah be careful with social media posts.

 

The written word is often ambiguous and such posts (even on forums like this!) can be misinterpreted.

 

I've heard of couples very much in love or "falling in love" who have actually broken up over something he/she read on social media (Facebook)!

 

Convinced it was the truth and ended it without ever even discussing it!

 

One reason why I disabled my FB and dislike social media so much!

[Luckynumber2]

I dislike social media too especially Facebook. Mine has been deactivated since 2010. I joined Instagram a year ago but it is mostly deactivated. I've been back on it a couple of times for a week but I can't get in to it so deactivated it again last weekend. I only use snapchat which I keep to friends only. I dont see it as social media as i use it mainly to text and snap friends not reach out to hundreds of people.

[SweetGirl28]

I definitely don't want a relationship and I am far from needy. I am very happy single.

As I previously stated he would text me everytime I uploaded a photo of myself with texts like "enjoy your date" and "hope he is worth it". I continually had to explain who i was out with and that I'm not involved with men/going on dates. He was the one coming across as needy and jealous. So I joked on and showed him what it was like being on the receiving end of these kind of messages and commented about his meal post. Yet I am the one with the suspicious mind! It's like he's trying to turn his own issues around to make it look like I'm the crazy one. Classic narcissist behaviour.

 

I explained how he sent me texts so hes the one with a suspicious mind and his answer was that he was just hoping for some details.

 

There's nothing to cut off now. He's gone. I posted here to hear the views of others as it's hard seeing it from the outside when you're in the position yourself. I didn't know what went wrong. If it was me or just him trying to get a one night thing then run.

 

We both aren't looking for a relationship so a fwb relationship was as far as it would go. I'm just pleased I have boundaries as I would hate to had fun with him once then him run like this.

 

 

Are you certain you did nothing to maybe invoke a little jealousy from this guy and make him think you have these loads of men wanting to be with you? Why is it that someone who doesn't even know you really would make those comments ? It doesn't make much sense. I'm thinking you led this with sex talk and flirting and it made him suspicious and he's backing off because you refused his sex in the park . I think he's thinking you're putting it out elsewhere. I might be wrong, and even if you were, fwb, f buddy, casual dating, I don't care what label it gets, each has the right to do what they want because none of those involve commitment and being exclusive unless it's agreed upon that there's no one else either are sexing up.

 

Even so, he's disrespectful and not someone to go after, even just for sex.

[Luckynumber2]

It was him with the constant sex talk and when I say constant I mean constant. We have the same sexual innuendo humour but he was always on about sex over messages. He sent me photos which i was shocked by and would have been disgusted with any man sending such pics and asking for them. I didn't feel disrespected funnily enough probably because i was attracted to him and we had the talk of not wanting a relationship so knew there would be no dates.

 

He mentioned a friend's with benefits would be nice. Then came the constant sex talk and flirting and an unexpected photo. I would have got in to the friends with benefits if the time was right but didn't feel comfortable after only seeing him for a total of 5 hours (4 meets in 2 weeks). Probably would have been different if I was in his house but not outside with someone I barely know.

 

I have gave no indication that I am talking to loads of men. I told him when we first got talking that I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not on any dating sites and enjoying being single. I said that he was the only one I was flirting with which is true. He said the same and that we were a perfect match for fwb. But I now wonder if I gave it all that day he probably have disappeared like he has done now. Not quite sure why he showed those jealousy issues as he isn't looking for more than Fwb. I haven't questioned him who he's speaking to, dating or exchanging photos with. It's nothing to do with me and doesn't bother me. It would only bother me if we were dating a while or in a relationship.

[katrina1980]

I think his caustic posts about the other men were 'shyt tests.' His way of indirectly finding out if you were dating other men.

 

He's insecure and hoped you responded exactly how you did - that you weren't seeing or involved with anyone else. Essentially reassuring him and catering to his insecurity.

 

I'm on line dating and men shyt test me too, just like this. Before ever even meeting.

 

You would not believe the bs some men toss out, right from the get go, before even having a decent chat, let alone meeting/dating.

 

They think their sarcasm is funny, but it's so transparent.

 

I find it a huge turn off, don't respond and and just next them.

 

Women shyt test too, consciously, subconsciously, it's all a game really at the end of the day.

[SweetGirl28]

Okay, I get the attractive part I mean we're human and we can get pulled into that especially when just looking for sex and nothing more at the moment , but even so a guy coming on so strong and then seeming jealous of you and not even knowing you is a man who's mentally unstable at best. I think he might think you teased him ,and his ego is hurt for being turned down when it was clearly sex you were both after.

 

I just last week had a friend for years get mad at me because we agreed fwb but I couldn't do it. Now he calls me a tease and won't talk to me. I feel awful, but I see it wouldn't of been right anyway because a man who has respect wouldn't do that. We are already friends. So his bruised ego has to take a hike because I can't help it that I stopped. I won't do that again lol

 

This guy, waste of time. Delete him. One night stands , you expect no contact and no respect after.

Fwb, f buddy, casual........ both agreeing to it should have some sort of mutual respect for one another. I mean some people are fine laying down with anyone. But if you were truly okay with it, you wouldn't be annoyed and wondering whats up with him. Get to know someone a little and back away from the ones that start with sex talk to soon. They are players. You're nothing more than a lay and forgotten. You run a high risk of them ghosting you after.

[SweetGirl28]

I think his caustic posts about the other men were 'shyt tests.' His way of indirectly finding out if you were dating other men.

 

He's insecure and hoped you responded exactly how you did - that you weren't seeing or involved with anyone else. Essentially reassuring him and catering to his insecurity.

 

I'm on line dating and men shyt test me too, just like this. Before ever even meeting.

 

You would not believe the bs some men toss out, right from the get go, before even having a decent chat, let alone meeting/dating.

 

They think their sarcasm is funny, but it's so transparent.

 

I find it a huge turn off, don't respond and and just next them.

 

Women shyt test too, consciously, subconsciously, it's all a game really at the end of the day.

 

 

Oh good lord gf! My ex constantly does this to me. I hate games. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Tells me hopes I have a boy toy, tells me he's certain I flirt because I'm so good at it and pick up guys so easy.

This is why I lie now. I don't even mention him to anyone. I am not going to be judged for how we met and all the crap that followed. He judged me from day one with it, I know he did. And it's why he couldn't trust me and constantly accused me of stuff. It gets draining trying to convince someone you're not doing anything. I mean men of confidence when they get to know me should figure out fast if I am with them, it's because I want to be, and if I'm not going anywhere, they know that too. I don't cheat, and I ask for nothing. But still, we met because I was a bit tipsy, I was dancing, he started dancing with me, a kiss happened and that started everything.

 

Why not just outright ask?? That's why I asked the OP if she did anything to provoke his comments.

[katrina1980]

SG, just out of curiosity, why would you agree to FWB, but then couldn't do it?

 

What changed between when you agreed and your realizing you couldn't do it?

 

You can't really blame the guy for feeling a bit miffed.

 

Try seeing it from his perspective.

 

What if a guy told you he wanted a relationship with you, but then changed his mind and realized he couldnt do it?

 

Would you not feel a bit bruised and messed around with?

 

If you needed to pull back after that, should he feel that you were disrespecting him?

 

Not saying you were wrong for changing your mind about it, but give the guy a break..

 

He's not disrespecting you, he got his hopes up and you dashed those hopes.

 

He'll get over it eventually.

[katrina1980]

Oh good lord gf! My ex constantly does this to me. I hate games. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Tells me hopes I have a boy toy, tells me he's certain I flirt because I'm so good at it and pick up guys so easy.

This is why I lie now. I don't even mention him to anyone. I am not going to be judged for how we met and all the crap that followed. He judged me from day one with it, I know he did. And it's why he couldn't trust me and constantly accused me of stuff. It gets draining trying to convince someone you're not doing anything. I mean men of confidence when they get to know me should figure out fast if I am with them, it's because I want to be, and if I'm not going anywhere, they know that too. I don't cheat, and I ask for nothing. But still, we met because I was a bit tipsy, I was dancing, he started dancing with me, a kiss happened and that started everything.

 

Why not just outright ask?? That's why I asked the OP if she did anything to provoke his comments.

 

Yeah I much prefer the direct approach too!! Actually I find it a huge turn ON.

 

In fact, recall a guy I was talking to a couple of years back straight out ask me who else I was talking to, what was different about "him" and "what was going on in my brain."

 

I.e. what I was feeling. Versus attempting to find out via game playing and shyt tests.

 

Huge turn on, I really fell hard for him after that!

[MissCanuck]

You two would be really incompatible FWB.

 

He's after sex. You'd like a little more consideration from him. He doesn't appear interested in providing that.

 

Forget this guy. You might both want a FWB, and that's cool, but you should be searching in other places for it. Together it's likely to end badly. Heck, you haven't even done the deed yet and it's already too complicated. I would take a hard pass on this, unless you'd also be cool with him dropping off the radar after sex too. That's the type of FWB he seems to be looking for - less "F" and a lot more "B."

[SweetGirl28]

SG, just out of curiosity, why would you agree to FWB, but then couldn't do it?

 

What changed between when you agreed and your realizing you couldn't do it?

 

You can't really blame the guy for feeling a bit miffed.

 

Try seeing it from his perspective.

 

What if a guy told you he wanted a relationship with you, but then changed his mind and realized he couldnt do it?

 

Would you not feel a bit bruised and messed around with?

 

If you needed to pull back after that, should he feel that you were disrespecting?

 

Not saying you were wrong for changing your mind about it, but give the guy a break..

 

He's not disrespecting you, he got his hopes up and you dashed those hopes.

 

He'll get over it eventually.

 

I know! :( I apologized, I mean when I tell you I was on the verge of tears I was! We've been friends for about 10 years. He always liked me, we were never single at the same time. Even if we were, I wouldn't have dated him. I find him attractive and he's a good honest person, but the romantic part long term I knew wouldn't be there. But anyway so we talked, we agreed because we are both single and not having sex with anyone, and we agreed it would be just us, and if one of us was going to start a relationship or have sex with someone else, we end it. Which wouldn't be me because I'm very picky who I sleep with. So with no signs of a love insight, I think it's a great idea.

 

The night of, I completely froze, mental block, it's like I couldn't feel anything. I don't know why other than its atypical of me to even do this kind of thing. I don't blame him really, I mean he's very into me and I know I hurt his ego and I feel so very bad. I didn't tease him though. I wanted to. I just feel broken like my sex drive is so high yet I blocked it.

Has nothing to do with the ex or even my friend. It was my conscience I guess that I was acting more out of a sexual place rather than an emotional one, and I don't do that. But fwb you don't want emotions! So idk I'm gonna join the convent now lol

 

I hope he will talk to me again and it didn't ruin everything but I'm not gonna chase after him. When he's ready I guess he will text me wanting to know why. However if he really knows he must have figured it out .

[Sportster2005]

Going by your Snapchat comment, it seems like you hate men and love drama. It doesn't matter if if was directed at him or not. He would be wise to distant himself. The number one indicator of dating success is attitude.

[Luckynumber2]

I love this forum. You all speak a lot of sense and give good advice so thank you to you all for help clearing my head today. I used to be a member 7 years ago when I split with an ex but haven't been back on since and forgot my login. Just today I decides to join again as I remembered how good it was. I'm always the one listening to friends go on and on about their dates, f... boys and getting sucked in by catfish profiles daily. I give them a lot of advice but when you're in a situation yourself it's hard to see it from the outside.

[Andrina]

As I previously stated he would text me everytime I uploaded a photo of myself with texts like "enjoy your date" and "hope he is worth it". I continually had to explain who i was out with and that I'm not involved with men/going on dates.

 

Huh?? Your self esteem isn't as healthy as it should be. If it was, you would have blocked his number after those rude, negative comments. You haven't even been on a date, and it's his business who you're seeing, etc? I don't think so. Instead, you're groveling at his feet and pleading for him to believe there is no one else, as though you're in a committed relationship.

 

You say your barriers have grown higher. Sorry, but a person's lifetime is never free of hurt. The only thing you can do is choose a person who lacks red flags and has all your must-haves. As soon as you see dealbreakers, move on. If none exist, take things day by day, but know that crystal balls don't work and the relationship might last forever or it might not, but when you have a fulfilling life besides a man, you will be upset if there's a break up, but not devastated.

 

Keeping yourself in what you think is a safe bubble will be a lonely life. And people are not robots, so emotions always play a part in FWBs, and usually spell the end of that temporary arrangement. It's also a really shallow life, longterm, if that's all you aspire to. One day, maybe you will decide to bring down the walls and seek a lifetime companion. Finding mine didn't come easily, but it was worth all of the disappointment and frustrations to find the treasure after sifting through acres of sand.

[deedee911]

People tell us exactly who they are. In my opinion, you need to accept what you are told . You can't go looking for milk in a hardware store then get confused and upset as to why you can't find milk. In my opinion, you have a victim mentality. No put down, I was like this too. First think about what you want. Get clear on that. You said you are happy being single... watch the stories you tell yourself. I recommend re reading your post imagining your best friend wrote it. What would you tell her?

[Luckynumber2]

Well guess who is back. After over a week of being off/ignoring me, he sent a text yesterday like nothing is the matter.

 

I haven't mentioned why he disappeared, just continued to be friendly with him. I must admit I'm confused by him. I'm very good at working people out but he seems hard to work out.

 

I think he might of thought I blocked him on instagram as I deactivated it a week ago but logged back in yesterday and posted a photo. He messaged a few hour's later about my post.

 

I don't think he's a player/ multiple women on the go so it's not a case of going else where and returning. He seems to have been honest with me about his dating life and I have too. He did say again yesterday that I must have many men to choose from, I must not be short of offers etc. How do I answer to those remarks? Why is he wanting reassurance of being the only man I have this kind of interest with when he's only after a Fwb?

[Cope]

Well guess who is back. After over a week of being off/ignoring me, he sent a text yesterday like nothing is the matter.

 

I haven't mentioned why he disappeared, just continued to be friendly with him. I must admit I'm confused by him. I'm very good at working people out but he seems hard to work out.

 

I would have done the same, but for the worse reasons, because I was taught to be nice to men even if I don't want to be. May I ask your reason as to why you just didn't ignore him?

 

I don't think you are confused by him. I think you know exactly what to do, just don't want to for some reason.

[Luckynumber2]

I didn't ignore him because he hasn't been awful with me. Yes he's been off and ignoring me for a week but after posting here to see it from the outside view I started to see why. He knew I was up for fun but refused him when he came on to me (It was outdoors, too cold and I didn't feel comfortable with him) so he will have taken that the wrong way. I'm sure he thinks I then blocked him on instagram so maybe he thought I was offended by him coming on to me.

 

I had tried to make conversation but he was either off or ignoring me when I did (Sunday then again Saturday). He's now asking if I'm up for some fun which I am. I'm not looking for a relationship and neither is he so we on the same page. I know what I want and he wants the same but I do wonder if he will disappear again when he gets it.

[Cope]

I understand, yet find it rude for him not responding when you tried to start a conversation with him. Just because someone doesn't call us names or anything, doesn't mean they are nice people or that we have to tolerate them just because they act nice.Is he really a nice person? You even called him a narcissist, do you still believe that? Right now, I just see a guy who interacts with you whenever he wants to. If this continues and develops into a FWB situation, are you prepared for him making all the calls?

 

Mind you, you have no idea how much I can relate to your behavior. But I hate myself for it. What makes this guy so compelling that you need this particular one for sex?

 

 

He might disappear the next day, he might not; he might disappear in week and come back again a month later.

What does FWB mean to you? Are you really ready for it?

[Luckynumber2]

He is a nice person and I get no bad vibes from him. Apart from being distant/ignoring me there's been no red flags or even gut instincts that he's playing around.

 

I was thinking he was a narcissist because of the way he thinks I'm with other men on dates, but when i joke on doing similar back to him he turns it round like I'm the crazy one.

 

He did bring it up again last night saying that I must have lots of men to choose from , I won't be short of offers. Maybe he just wants the same as me, to have a causal relationship with someone that isn't involved with other men.

 

I think with friends with benefits it's like a relationship but without the status. You have respect for one another, don't look or go else where and if one catches feelings it's time to move on. Everyone is different though. There's definitely a difference between a f.... buddy and a friends with benefits.

[Cope]

Would you ever be friends with a person who ignores you and is distant? I wouldn't.

I've been in sex driven/casual relationships, and am even in one now. I've said yes to people who ignored me and were distant, but I was usually able to ignore them too, not with a sense of revenge, but because I didn't care. Because that's how we established the "relationship" and I was completely fine with it and still am with one of them.

 

It doesn't matter how anyone interprets FWB, what's important is that you need to talk about it with him before things get complicated. Before sex would be ideal. You seem to want a relationship but with no strings attached, that is a very confusing place to be, I'm there right now. Be honest to yourself and to him.

[SweetGirl28]

He is a nice person and I get no bad vibes from him. Apart from being distant/ignoring me there's been no red flags or even gut instincts that he's playing around.

 

I was thinking he was a narcissist because of the way he thinks I'm with other men on dates, but when i joke on doing similar back to him he turns it round like I'm the crazy one.

 

He did bring it up again last night saying that I must have lots of men to choose from , I won't be short of offers. Maybe he just wants the same as me, to have a causal relationship with someone that isn't involved with other men.

 

I think with friends with benefits it's like a relationship but without the status. You have respect for one another, don't look or go else where and if one catches feelings it's time to move on. Everyone is different though. There's definitely a difference between a f.... buddy and a friends with benefits.

 

Why are you labeling him a narcissist? Only a professional can do that. I see it so often in these forums, everyone is quick to slap that label on. Having been with a diagnosed one, not thinking this guy is. Many people carry a narcissistic trait, but are not narcissists.

 

What he is, is maybe a little insecure to get involved and and trusting in you. They also do it as an indirect way of finding out if there's others without making it look like they care. Even those in casual relationships want the security of knowing the other isn't all over the place. I mean guts, they don't want to spend their money on you if others guys are tripping over you too lol.

My ex did this a lot. He still does. People have a past and insecurities, trust issues, fears. Could be any number of things of why he does this. What matters here is how you feel about this. How it makes you feel. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

[Pleasedonot5]

Why are you labeling him a narcissist? Only a professional can do that. I see it so often in these forums, everyone is quick to slap that label on. Having been with a diagnosed one, not thinking this guy is. Many people carry a narcissistic trait, but are not narcissists.

 

What he is, is maybe a little insecure to get involved and and trusting in you. They also do it as an indirect way of finding out if there's others without making it look like they care. Even those in casual relationships want the security of knowing the other isn't all over the place. I mean guts, they don't want to spend their money on you if others guys are tripping over you too lol.

My ex did this a lot. He still does. People have a past and insecurities, trust issues, fears. Could be any number of things of why he does this. What matters here is how you feel about this. How it makes you feel. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

Very good points!

[Batya33]

Why are you labeling him a narcissist? Only a professional can do that. I see it so often in these forums, everyone is quick to slap that label on. Having been with a diagnosed one, not thinking this guy is. Many people carry a narcissistic trait, but are not narcissists.

 

What he is, is maybe a little insecure to get involved and and trusting in you. They also do it as an indirect way of finding out if there's others without making it look like they care. Even those in casual relationships want the security of knowing the other isn't all over the place. I mean guts, they don't want to spend their money on you if others guys are tripping over you too lol.

My ex did this a lot. He still does. People have a past and insecurities, trust issues, fears. Could be any number of things of why he does this. What matters here is how you feel about this. How it makes you feel. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

 

I agree and I think you are overthinking this and way too attached to him/the outcome already. You say you want a sexual arrangement -so other than for safety reasons who cares why he does what he does. If he follows through on arranging to meet to have sex with you, then go for it if you feel like it. If he doesn't then it won't end up happening.