Fiance left, her mom involved

[2005TAHOE]

I met my fiancé online in July 2017, moved her closer to me in October 2017 and got engaged in December 2017, she lived about 150 miles away and I would commute to her most weekends. As things got more serious she wanted to move closer to me to be able to spend more time together and to get her out of a high drug/crime area. So in October I went to pick her up and her belongings and moved her into my apartment with me. Things were going great, so we started looking at a bigger apartment incase her mom came to visit, she lives 10 hours away. So, we move into the new place, she finds a job here and she wanted a car with better gas mileage, so we traded hers, with her and her mom cosigning. We started carpooling to work since we work so close together but the traffic was stressful with an hour to 2 drive home, it started stressing us both out. We were living out lives happily. We talked about our insecurities and they mirror each other, we talked about cell phone privacy, both of ours are free to the other to use and we talked about keeping our personal problems and money problems to ourselves.

 

A few months later there were a few arguments about money, I make double what she does but I help her out by paying her car insurance and rent, she pays her $600 car payment and we split gas and groceries. I sold my new car to help us save money and start saving for a house. I had found out that she spent $250 on her hair and I got upset with her, hers where the arguments start. Well a few months later we have a few more arguments and she went and told her mom, well her mom drove 10 hours in a truck to "rescue" her daughter. I was at work when all of this happened and when I got home she wasn't there but her stuff was. About an hour later she walks in with her mom and she tells me that shes staying. Good, we can talk out our issues and work to resolve them. Well, its happened a few times after that where she talks to her mom about EVERYTHING that goes on in our lives after I have asked several times to keep our lives private. She was tickling me one day and I was laughing and sarcastically/jokingly told her that I would kick her ass if she kept going, she told her mom and best friend that I was serious. It keeps happening so I started getting distant and hoping that she would realize that its affecting our relationship.

 

The last thing that happened was that she is so attached to social media, especially instagram. just in casual conversation I asked her if she could change her profile picture to one of us together, she said no. That kinda shocked me as she has other pictures on there of us, but I just told her that her reaction kinda shocked me but I let it go, no big deal. But she changed it to one of us anyways.

 

Well this past Friday night we went out to eat with my family and stopped by my moms place to play a board game, she looks like she is having a good time and about an hour later we head home. As soon as we walk in the door she goes strait to the bedroom and doesn't say a word to me, so I go in there and she is already in bed. Saturday morning I got up to get ready for work and forgot that I had some stuff in her car that I needed that afternoon, so I took her spare key with me to unlock it and was going to bring it home that evening. She texted me when she woke up asking about where her spare key was which was weird, her primary key hangs on the wall next to the door. She got upset that I had it and I asked her what was going on and she wouldn't tell me that we just needed to separate and that she was done. This is the second time that she had threatened me with leaving, the first was when her mom came down. Things have been tense the past few days but nothing that we could have talked about or worked out. So, she brought me her engagement ring and her phone that was on my plan and I gave her the spare key back for her car. When she got to my work she texted me that she was here, So I go outside and get the ring and phone and hand her the key and walk away. She follows me back inside, she goes to the customer counter and I was behind the counter helping a technician, so I wasn't paying any attention to her. Then she tries to come around to the back door that's locked to get to me and then the outside side door she tries too, then gives up and leaves.

 

So, I have no contact info for her except her email and her moms number, I texted her mom the next morning and asked her if she got home ok and she just said yes. I sent her an email explaining that these are petty issues that can be worked out and that things can be fixed. She never responded. I think she made a knee jerk reaction and that she will start to think about me and miss me. She talked to my mom too Saturday morning and my mom told her to let her emotions cool down before making a rash decision like this and don't do something that she may regret, her and my mom got along great.

 

I just don't get that someone can walk away after telling you that they love you and wont treat you like your ex's, she said that she would never give up and that we will always communicate to resolve our issues. I made the mistake of checking her instagram page and saw that she changed her profile picture back and just took one picture of me off. She still has pictures of us together and trips that we took along with the engagement box that I gave her still on there. We were always together.

 

I am at day 5 of NC and I do hope for reconciliation and I know that NC is to heal yourself. I guess I am just looking for support and advice. I know that her mom and friends have had a lot of influence on her decision, I wish she wouldn't talk about our problems to others.

 

I want both male and female points of views about this, if she just needs time to herself, what does the dumper feel and is she thinking about me? Do dumpers feel any regret?

 

Im sure Im forgetting more details buth these are where the problems started

[wgmitch]

Tahoe,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this with your fiancée. You will get a lot of advice here I'm sure and some will be great. You are in the very early stages and if you want to try and save this I recommend you read Al Turtle's page on "What to do when he/she leaves you." Just Google him.

 

But I have to add that in print she does seem a little unstable. And everything has happened so fast for the two of you. Met in Jul, move closer in Oct and engaged in Dec. That's pretty quick.

 

Please check out the page I recommended.

 

Mitch

[2005TAHOE]

I will do that mitch, thank you. What hurts the most is her telling me that she loves me and would never hurt me. I know I had faults to in the relationship. I never abused her or hit her, I just don't get it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It sounds like it went way too fast and you didn't get along on many levels and argued so much that she wanted to leave and then finally did. This has nothing to do with her confiding in friends and family, she has every right to do so. They are her support system and you can't isolate or sever anyone from that.

 

Stay no contact. She's finalized things by moving back home, giving back everything including the ring you gave her. It sounds like you dodged a bullet. It would have been worse to marry someone you can't get along with.

I met my fiancé online in July 2017, moved her closer to me in October 2017 and got engaged in December 2017. A few months later there were a few arguments about money. few months later we have a few more arguments and she went and told her mom, well her mom drove 10 hours in a truck to "rescue" her daughter. This is the second time that she had threatened me with leaving, the first was when her mom came down. I have no contact info for her except her email and her moms number. I know that her mom and friends have had a lot of influence on her decision, I wish she wouldn't talk about our problems to others.

[2005TAHOE]

Sorry this happened. It sounds like it went way too fast and you didn't get along on many levels and argued so much that she wanted to leave and then finally did. This has nothing to do with her confiding in friends and family, she has every right to do so. They are her support system and you can't isolate or sever anyone from that.

 

Stay no contact. She's finalized things by moving back home, giving back everything including the ring you gave her. It sounds like you dodged a bullet. It would have been worse to marry someone you can't get along with.

 

I understand that, but when you make a commitment to someone about getting married or any relationships, do problems and issues need not to be spread through out the family. I don't talk to my mother about our issues, plus its a losing battle, parents will go to bat for their children and always defend them.

[abitbroken]

I went to pick her up and her belongings and moved her into my apartment with me.

 

but I help her out by paying her car insurance and rent, she pays her $600 car payment and we split gas and groceries. I sold my new car to help us save money and start saving for a house.

 

This relationship was so lopsided. Are you a bit of a rescuer? The relationship moved very quickly. if you said "she had interviews in my area --- she got a job and had enough money to move. I helped her load the truck. She moved in with me." its a big difference from "I moved HER in with ME." If my guy sold his means of transportation and only relied on me for transportation for reasons other than a disability or other than the car was kaput and he was actively looking and it was just temporary - it might make one feel trapped if i didn't know him that long. Also, what business do you have using a car that the young woman and HER MOTHER own.

 

Basically, you were engaged to a stranger. At this point, you had not known her even a year today.

 

If my sister or niece were in her shoes -- a quick courtship, a guy "moved her 150 miles away" I would be concerned for her.

 

Either way, chalk this up to not getting to know a person well enough, taking them completely out of their element and expecting it to work. I do agree you should consider it over --- and buy yourself a car.

[Wiseman2]

As they should.

parents will go to bat for their children and always defend them.

[2005TAHOE]

I went to pick her up and her belongings and moved her into my apartment with me.

 

but I help her out by paying her car insurance and rent, she pays her $600 car payment and we split gas and groceries. I sold my new car to help us save money and start saving for a house.

 

This relationship was so lopsided. Are you a bit of a rescuer? The relationship moved very quickly. if you said "she had interviews in my area --- she got a job and had enough money to move. I helped her load the truck. She moved in with me." its a big difference from "I moved HER in with ME." If my guy sold his means of transportation and only relied on me for transportation for reasons other than a disability or other than the car was kaput and he was actively looking and it was just temporary - it might make one feel trapped if i didn't know him that long. Also, what business do you have using a car that the young woman and HER MOTHER own.

 

Basically, you were engaged to a stranger. At this point, you had not known her even a year today.

 

If my sister or niece were in her shoes -- a quick courtship, a guy "moved her 150 miles away" I would be concerned for her.

 

Either way, chalk this up to not getting to know a person well enough, taking them completely out of their element and expecting it to work. I do agree you should consider it over --- and buy yourself a car.

 

 

I never relied on her for her car, we were happy at that time living our lives as an engaged couple. She wanted to do that, I had a brand new car and it just sat bc it was never driven. We worked less than 2 miles from each other and at the same times, why would we take 2 separate cars to the same location?

[2005TAHOE]

As they should.

 

But when you are in a committed relationship and marriage, some personal and financial info should not be shared with parents. Hell, she call my own mother about our problems, I never once did that. I understand that they should go to them for some stuff and some stuff shouldn't include the whole family, its none of their business how much my rent is, how much I spend on food, how much my power bill is.

[DancingFool]

Look, I know you are hurting and I'm sorry for that. However you really do need to own your part in this whirlwind. You moved in and proposed to a stranger. What do you actually know about her even now? Doesn't sound like much. Certainly not enough to entertain living together, sharing finances, let alone marriage. Do you really think that you get someone to commit to marriage and the rest will just kind of work itself out? Life and people don't function like that.

 

Even now, you are clinging to what she said and not looking at what she does. You are trying to blame others - friends, mom, etc. You are refusing to acknowledge that this woman has her own mind, opinions and free will that she is exercising. Her friends and family didn't make her do anything she wasn't already thinking about. At worst, they simply supported her decisions. The decision to end things was her own.

 

You've know each other less than a year. At this stage you should still be on cloud nine, dating, having fun NOT living together playing house, sharing one car, getting on each other's nerves and arguing about how much of HER money she spent on her hair. It's all just too much and the result is what you are dealing with now - get that deep in with a person before you even know them, you will be unpleasantly surprised to find out that they just aren't who you imagined them to be.

[2005TAHOE]

Look, I know you are hurting and I'm sorry for that. However you really do need to own your part in this whirlwind. You moved in and proposed to a stranger. What do you actually know about her even now? Doesn't sound like much. Certainly not enough to entertain living together, sharing finances, let alone marriage. Do you really think that you get someone to commit to marriage and the rest will just kind of work itself out? Life and people don't function like that.

 

Even now, you are clinging to what she said and not looking at what she does. You are trying to blame others - friends, mom, etc. You are refusing to acknowledge that this woman has her own mind, opinions and free will that she is exercising. Her friends and family didn't make her do anything she wasn't already thinking about. At worst, they simply supported her decisions. The decision to end things was her own.

 

You've know each other less than a year. At this stage you should still be on cloud nine, dating, having fun NOT living together playing house, sharing one car, getting on each other's nerves and arguing about how much of HER money she spent on her hair. It's all just too much and the result is what you are dealing with now - get that deep in with a person before you even know them, you will be unpleasantly surprised to find out that they just aren't who you imagined them to be.

 

 

After our first date, FIRST date she wanted a commitment, she wanted the BF/GF status, HER. Her question after our FIRST date was "well, what are we?" I asked to go out at least a month and see how it goes and revaluate it from there.

[abitbroken]

After our first date, FIRST date she wanted a commitment, she wanted the BF/GF status, HER. Her question after our FIRST date was "well, what are we?" I asked to go out at least a month and see how it goes and revaluate it from there.

 

So she wanted a commitment on the first date? Well, that's nice, but what about a RED FLAG waving in your head that she wanted to commit on the first date. And you just told her that you will see how it goes in a month. This woman was 150 miles away. How many times did you actually go out in that month? Were you desperate?

 

I never relied on her for her car, we were happy at that time living our lives as an engaged couple. She wanted to do that, I had a brand new car and it just sat bc it was never driven. We worked less than 2 miles from each other and at the same times, why would we take 2 separate cars to the same location?

 

You were NOT married. And you were to keep your independence at that time. When things were joint property in marriage, its different. But you still talk it over. You know there are things like emergencies --- what if one of you needed to go to the doctor instead of work that day -- would she be expected to take the day off because you needed to get to the doctors? What if mom had a medical emergency and was in the hospital -- she would take the car and then you would be stranded. Even if you decided to carpool together, you should have never given up your car. Because now what do you have?

 

What made you jump in so quickly with this woman?

[2005TAHOE]

So she wanted a commitment on the first date? Well, that's nice, but what about a RED FLAG waving in your head that she wanted to commit on the first date. And you just told her that you will see how it goes in a month. This woman was 150 miles away. How many times did you actually go out in that month? Were you desperate?

 

 

 

You were NOT married. And you were to keep your independence at that time. When things were joint property in marriage, its different. But you still talk it over. You know there are things like emergencies --- what if one of you needed to go to the doctor instead of work that day -- would she be expected to take the day off because you needed to get to the doctors? What if mom had a medical emergency and was in the hospital -- she would take the car and then you would be stranded. Even if you decided to carpool together, you should have never given up your car. Because now what do you have?

 

What made you jump in so quickly with this woman?

 

I work at a car dealership, so a vehicle to drive is not a problem, she took the car to work after dropping me off. I have another car that I could drive but its a truck and would cost more in gas. I do move quickly, I will admit that and it was a shock to me when she asked me that, like a lot of people, I was feeling a connection with her and took a chance, we went out 7-8 times within that month, I would drive to see her during the week as well.

[sky09]

Dayum. Five months to be engaged to a total stranger? Are you a participant on a 90-day Fiance reality show? $600 bucks for a car payment? Those priorities need an adjustment...

[MissCanuck]

After our first date, FIRST date she wanted a commitment, she wanted the BF/GF status, HER. Her question after our FIRST date was "well, what are we?" I asked to go out at least a month and see how it goes and revaluate it from there.

 

Why did not that send up giant red flags for you, OP? I have yet to meet a rational, emotionally-mature adult who behave the way she did in asking for commitment from a stranger. That was a sign of worse to come, as you're now learning the hard way.

 

This has all moved way too fast. You committed to someone you didn't know very well, and it turns out you're not compatible at all. This is why moving the relationship along at warp speed is a bad idea, simply because you had no idea what you were getting yourself into. You simply can't know a person well after a handful of months. Dating is the process by which you should be weeding women like this out.

 

I will echo abitbroken's question: what on earth was the rush here?

[jimthzz]

Dayum. Five months to be engaged to a total stranger? Are you a participant on a 90-day Fiance reality show? $600 bucks for a car payment? Those priorities need an adjustment...

 

Just wow!

 

I know you're hurting, but I think you are dodging a bullet from a bad mistake.

 

Do not repeat this rescuing behavior as a get-a-girl strategy.

[LootieTootie]

You guys aren't a good fit.

 

Secondly, stop playing the shining white knight. It's not going to make her stable and it's not going to help the one-sided relationship.

[2005TAHOE]

I see the red flags now, she wanted commitment, she told me she loved me first. We talked a while before meeting up. I appreciate the advice and I'm looking for more to help me heal. It wasn't completely her fault, I have control and jealousy issues, as well as she does. I really believed that we were a match. Everything was awesome up until about a month ago, its like I was dating her mother too, always, ALWAYS involved in our lives. Anything I did to appreciate her was never mentioned, but if we were fighting then she heard every detail about it.

[DancingFool]

I see the red flags now, she wanted commitment, she told me she loved me first. We talked a while before meeting up. I appreciate the advice and I'm looking for more to help me heal. It wasn't completely her fault, I have control and jealousy issues, as well as she does. I really believed that we were a match. Everything was awesome up until about a month ago, its like I was dating her mother too, always, ALWAYS involved in our lives. Anything I did to appreciate her was never mentioned, but if we were fighting then she heard every detail about it.

 

Look, you didn't know her at all when you jumped in. About a month ago, you juuuuust started to see a little of bit of the real her and her operating dynamics. Again, please stop blaming her mother. The mother isn't the problem, your ex is the problem and chooses to do what she chooses to do.

 

You really need to work on your compulsiveness because if you don't, you'll just end up in another situation like this again and again. Her own instability and compulsiveness actually complimented yours and so things spun so fast, except that this was unhealthy from day one on both of your parts. You have got to own your part so there is no repeat. As for jealous and controlling....I mean you will run healthy partners off with that, so definitely something to work on asap.

[Wiseman2]

Can you afford your own expenses and living alone? What was the purpose of the shared expenses, shared car, shared this and that so prematurely in the relationship? Was this an attempt at cost cutting/budgeting, because arguing about money seemed to be a big issue.

I have another car that I could drive but its a truck and would cost more in gas.

[2005TAHOE]

Look, you didn't know her at all when you jumped in. About a month ago, you juuuuust started to see a little of bit of the real her and her operating dynamics. Again, please stop blaming her mother. The mother isn't the problem, your ex is the problem and chooses to do what she chooses to do.

 

You really need to work on your compulsiveness because if you don't, you'll just end up in another situation like this again and again. Her own instability and compulsiveness actually complimented yours and so things spun so fast, except that this was unhealthy from day one on both of your parts. You have got to own your part so there is no repeat. As for jealous and controlling....I mean you will run healthy partners off with that, so definitely something to work on asap.

 

 

Trust me, after the initial shock of the BU I started looking at what my faults were and if reconciliation is in the future then I will know what to do and how to control my issues. This opened my eyes in a big way.

[2005TAHOE]

Can you afford your own expenses and living alone? What was the purpose of the shared expenses, shared car, shared this and that so prematurely in the relationship? Was this an attempt at cost cutting/budgeting, because arguing about money seemed to be a big issue.

 

I have been on my own for 20 years, my income is almost triple hers. I just cost on selling the car because we were both going to the same places at the same time within 2 miles of each of our jobs. From looking at it now she was wanting Filet Mignon on a Hamburger budget. I paid almost everything but her car and half of the grocery bill each month.

[MissCanuck]

Whose idea was it to get engaged so quickly?

[2005TAHOE]

Whose idea was it to get engaged so quickly?

 

Both of us.

[2005TAHOE]

I just don't get how someone can flip switch and just not care anymore. This was someone who said they would love me forever, never abandon me or treat me like other women. We had even discussed that we would workout our problems, un heated and without emotions.