I’m growing impatient with my boyfriend and my environment isn’t helping.

[SaraW]

My bf and I are both 28 years old. We both have great jobs. I own my own condo working on getting more education. He travels the world most of the year making a really good living. I’m supportive of his career and when he’s gone which is for most of the year I stay busy and positive make an effort to drive to see him when he’s on the east cost. For the most part our relationship is great. He’s very sweet and kind and we have a lot of great stuff. However I feel like we aren’t progressing. We have been together for four years and while I busted my ass working two jobs to save and renovate my place he still lives at home with his parents. The plan was we were going to move out separately for a year then move in together. He makes no effort to move out because he said and I quote “likes having things taken care of”. He’s also a bit of a mommas boy. Which I don’t think is all they way a bad thing but I do find that I have to ask him for time alone and not me, him and his parents time. I asked him about moving in in September of last year he told me he was scared and wasn’t ready. He said he didnt want to have an argument with me face to face. Which I wasn’t expecting at all and I found to be ridiculous. I’m his first serious relationship and I get that he’s learning but I’m tired of having to wait for him to grow up. He asked me not to leave him and o don’t want to but I’m growing impatient because he keeps changing our future plans and not saying anything until I bring it up. I have told him I don’t want my time wasted he says he has no intentions of doing so but my gut is telling me other wise. I feel like if that was the case he would be showing me something. And on top of all of this everyone around me in engaged or married or pregnant and I am trying not to let it bother me but people keep asking me oh well when are you having a wedding or you need to hurry up if you want a kid. Yet no one puts pressure on him. And everyone wants to talk about their wedding. I’m over it. I need some advice on one my relationship and two how to handle social pressures. Thank you.

[Jibralta]

Do you have a timeline for starting your family? It's certainly not impossible to start a family when you're in your 30s or 40s. My girlfriend just had her 3rd child today, and she is 40. She started her family when she was 31 or 32. Actually, another friend of mine just had her fourth child in January, and she is 41. She got started a lot earlier though, at 18!! But challenges can increase as you get older.

 

It may come down to what you want more: having this boyfriend, or having a family. It's a risk either way, and there's no avoiding it. I think you must be willing to walk away from this relationship. Whether he wants to or not, your boyfriend is indeed wasting your time--especially if you want to get started soon.

[abitbroken]

If he travels and is gone most of the year, I think its silly to rent an apartment that will be vacant 10 months of the year. Its actually smart to crash with your family when you actually are home until you figure out what direction you are going in. You said that you both agreed you would live separately for a year before moving in - it doesn't mean he is ready.

 

Because you have chosen to renovated your place - that really doesnt' impact him -- its your place -- did you buy it to flip? renovations are your choice.

 

I think i would lay off of him - you want him to live away from his parents for a year and THEN move in with you. That is VERY different from wanting to get engaged or married. He probably feels that once he moves out of his parents' home, you will expect that 12 months from the day he does that he will move in with you and then maybe expect a ring. You ask if he is wasting your time --- he said he wasn't. maybe he just wants to propose when he is ready and not before instead of following your regimen about how you feel things should be done.

 

Why not do some traveling of your own?? Maybe meet him where he is working somewhere once in awhile? Or stop sitting home and go out?

 

I think when you state that "he should grow up" that means "and move in with me".

[glitterfingers]

Handling social pressures is about deciding not to let other people's voices decide what you want and what makes you happy in your relationship. What are the good things about your relationship that give you meaning and enjoyment? You don't sound very happy at the moment. It sounds like your relationship has gotten stagnant and is tied together only by the love you have for each other, and as you are learning, that isn't always enough.

 

In order for you to move forward in your life, you need someone who is ready and able to grow with you - maybe not immediately, but at least able to foresee and map out a reasonable timeline that you're comfortable to wait with. If he's not willing to consider progressing within 6 months to a year (depending on circumstances), I'd say it's better to cut your losses, get really clear on what you want and find someone who wants the same things

[glitterfingers]

Its actually smart to crash with your family when you actually are home until you figure out what direction you are going in.

 

I think i would lay off of him - you want him to live away from his parents for a year and THEN move in with you. That is VERY different from wanting to get engaged or married.

 

I know what I said doesn't match this, but this is actually really important too. It doesn't make sense on virtually any level for him to move out on his own before moving in with you. And possibly doesn't make sense before agreeing to get engaged, since what is he supposed to do if things don't work out? That would be a huge financial loss for him ... would make a few people hesitate. I think it's worthwhile reconsidering future plans - plans that are reasonable in scope to him, and reasonable in timeframe to you.

[SaraW]

I understand what you were saying but he came up with that plan. I do think it makes sense for him to see how to handle large bills he has no responsibilities. How can I feel comfortable when I know what it is to buy and take care of a house and he does not.

[j.man]

I understand what you were saying but he came up with that plan. I do think it makes sense for him to see how to handle large bills he has no responsibilities. How can I feel comfortable when I know what it is to buy and take care of a house and he does not.

Here's the thing, and this is coming from someone who wouldn't move in with a woman who hadn't ever lived independently, it just doesn't make sense to. It's an awful lot of money to drop just to be able to say, "yay, I did it!" He was a pretty questionable horse to bet on if a guy with that brand of life experience is a requirement for you.

[milly007]

At this point, I think you have to either accept what is, or move on and find someone who has similar relationship and life goals as you.

 

Otherwise, you'll be waiting around for your current beau, who really doesn't seem to know what he wants, and who unfortunately doesn't seem too keen on even having a plan in the first place (or at least a plan that he's willing to stick with, alongside you).

 

Sounds like you truly care about each other, but you currently have different long term goals.

[Seraphim]

He sees no point in leaving his parent’s home. I think you might be wasting your time.

[Snny]

Let's face it: he is having an AWESOME life right now playing as James Bond. He gets to travel the world and is paid for it. Hot damn, who would not kill to have that job opportunity at that age? That's a freaking adventure. He also has less financial responsibilities like not paying for a mortgage or house renovation projects (and I'm betting no rent,groceries, and utilities) because he lives with his parents. Once he starts to settle down with wife and kids, he will have to give that lifestyle up. Find a new, less exciting job to support a family and start paying out for living expenses.

 

Yeah, no. I wouldn't be ready to change that lifestyle either at 28 years old. I'd live it up if I were him.

 

You want to settle. He has clearly expressed to you that he is happy what he's doing. He also wants to avoid any disagreements and arguments with you.

 

The words are written on the wall on what to do. I'm sorry.

 

Also, you are 28 and have plenty of time to find the right person to marry and have kids with. It's not too late to make a 180 decision.

[Batya33]

So they ask you about your wedding. How many of them have ever asked you s our yoir mariehe - had a heart to heart and asked you what kind of marriage you want? Anyone can ask you about when your wedding day will be and typically they mean your wedding reception. Focus on the people who take a real interest in your future marriage and who want to be there to support you on finding a good match and staying happy with your match. Better yet focus on people who skit aks you “how are you doing today?” and are happy to hear whatever it is you want to share enter sboitvyour firirevcjina pattern orcyoir current avocado toast on a paper plate.

This guy ism along it clear he’s not ready to marry you any time soon. His priority is making his life comfortable for him so that he can travel all over and never worry about his living space or any of the adulting type issues adults have to think about when they juggle work and life. His parents are the jugglers and puppeteers. My friend married a guy like that in the early 1990s and she’s always played second fiddle to his sibling and his parents.

My husband is an only child and thank goodness he moved out in his late 20s. I loved my in laws and they babied him too much and he did prioritize them at times I should have come first but it stopped short of the extremes you describe.

I’ll also share that I don’t think you two need to live together before marriage but yes it’s important that he be independent before getting married. I’ve seen it work otherwise - my parents in a way/ but he sounds like he is not ready to be independent much less married to you or anyone.

If you do want to try to start a family before age 35 (and if you can I’d recommend it - hard to go through a first pregnancy at 42 as I did ) then he is not the guy IMO. Also ask yourself if you benefitted form having a boyfriend from whom you ha s so much emotional and physical space - consider whether it suits you more than seeing someone regularly. Worth considering.

[boltnrun]

Wow Batya, your phone was really doing its own thing there!

 

My son is about your age, OP, and I've encouraged him to travel and have as much life experience as possible before settling down. You have lots of years ahead to get married and have babies.

 

And never allow others to influence you about something as important as marriage. What others are doing should have no bearing on your life.

[SherrySher]

I thought it was a foreign language or terms I didn't know...lol....

 

you s our yoir mariehe

[milly007]

I thought it was a foreign language or terms I didn't know...lol....

 

This made me lol.

 

So funny.

[journeynow]

enter sboitvyour firirevcjina pattern orcyoir current avocado toast on a paper plate.

This guy ism

 

current avocado toast on a paper plate... mmm!

[journeynow]

he said and I quote “likes having things taken care of”.

 

Sure, it's great having things taken care of. But I can see the worry that if he doesn't want to be on his own, or to take care of himself and his things, he might expect the OP to take care of him like his parents have.

[SherrySher]

current avocado toast on a paper plate... mmm!

 

hahahahahahahaha

[Last Gentleman]

Let me tell you, many of my male friends have some kind of panic attack when their GFs bring up wedding, yet when I talk to them there is no way they want to let their GF go.

That's common among men I guess, also did you seriously state that you wanted commitment and to go further ? Because I can't tell you how many women, barely allude these

to their BF and suddenly get impatient.

For these 2 reasons, I think you need to be absolutely clear with him about what you want in the future, so he gets a clear message that he can't continue like this for long, then

if he's mature enough he'll take his responsibilities, if not better moving on with your life.

 

But you shouldn't get pressure from what people tell you every day, all my cousins that got married around 22 were divorced 2 years later... you know better what's in your life

too, then people around you so don't let them get into your head.

 

Having been a customer service tech for 6 years around the globe... let me tell you it's not as glamorous as people think it is, at some point when I was 29 I really wanted a more

sedentary life even if I was single, very few people can withstand this lifestyle forever, it's only a job he should think about the future, but saying this I admit this job can be a bit

intoxicating getting you in a never-ending spiral, so talk to him.

[Sportster2005]

He says one thing, but does another. Every day you waste with him, is a day you could be finding someone who takes you serious.

[Batya33]

Wow Batya, your phone was really doing its own thing there!

 

My son is about your age, OP, and I've encouraged him to travel and have as much life experience as possible before settling down. You have lots of years ahead to get married and have babies.

 

And never allow others to influence you about something as important as marriage. What others are doing should have no bearing on your life.

 

Sorry!!! Will be more careful next time!

[Wiseman2]

If you want marriage/kids, this is not your guy. It may be best to cut your losses even though you've invested 4 yrs.

he still lives at home with his parents.He makes no effort to move out because he said “likes having things taken care of”.