He won't stop texting

[Cope]

Long story short, short term casual/open/ld relationship (lol that's a funny description or may I say doomed!)

 

Anyway. I told him that I will contact him once I stop feeling things I shouldn't towards him , as he left me for another woman and he won't stop texting. I'm not talking about spam here, just some messages, but he's a grown man; he should understand. I responded the first time to tell him again that I need space and time and no contact, but the other 3 times I put him on mute. Today was his last attempt, with some sad face or whatever. I'm starting to realise that he isn't such a nice guy as I thought, but maybe falls into the narc category. Anyways, although I love putting labels on my exes, I shouldn't. Let's just say I find this behavior manipulative. I told him not to text and he's texting. Why can't he respect that? Maybe the girl dumped him and he's lonely again. Maybe he just can't stand that I'm rejecting him? Maybe he thinks I moved on and can't stand the fact that I might be sleeping with another guy? That's most probable. Only thing I know is that he must be faking the "sadness", I mean if he was so considerate about my feelings he wouldn't be posting updates about the new girl before he telling me about her right? LOL

 

On the other hand maybe he is truly sad I am not talking to him,but even so, he is not respecting what I asked from him. Question is, should I tell him once again that this is a process or just leave him on mute? I just remembered that I did specifically tell him that I need silence from him, so there is no question that I didn't make it clear. I want to leave him on mute tbh. Funny thing is that today of all days I woke up from a nightmare about him and the other woman, I believe it's my minds process of healing, then I saw his message. Thankfully I don't want to get back with him or this would be some sort of sign lol.

 

The reason I'm posting besides the question and to vent, is that I don't think I've been taking this break up as serious as I need to, maybe it affected me more than I would like to think. I feel like there's just a little bit left but I'm not quite over him, I mean if I were, I'd be totally ok to talk to him. Gosh, I was just texting another ex-casual today and I was happy to hear from him.

 

And yes, they always come back. ALWAYS. Most likely not the way most of you would want (and me in other cases) but they always do.

[glitterfingers]

Block him and delete his number. And while you're at it, delete any and every trace of his existence. You will feel better once you do.

[SweetGirl28]

Delete and block him. Problem solved.

No need to tell him again, if you don't feed into it, he will eventually go away.

[Cope]

Thanks for the support! I do feel that he might be blockable material. Never blocked anyone in my life tbh. I will think about that, but I will definitely delete everything from him. Another thing I've never done with an ex. Ok he just sent another one saying he misses me, oh damn. Well as my therapist would say I need to write down how this makes me feel and proceed to understand why. Did I tell you guys how much I love therapy? Love it. Don't know how I lived without it.

 

Anyway, thanks very much for the support, it's good to know you got my back! :) :)

[glitterfingers]

Thanks for the support! I do feel that he might be blockable material. Never blocked anyone in my life tbh. I will think about that, but I will definitely delete everything from him. Another thing I've never done with an ex. Ok he just sent another one saying he misses me, oh damn. Well as my therapist would say I need to write down how this makes me feel and proceed to understand why. Did I tell you guys how much I love therapy? Love it. Don't know how I lived without it.

 

Anyway, thanks very much for the support, it's good to know you got my back! :) :)

 

I think plenty of people could do with therapy, it is a fantastic thing to do for your mental health. But people only go to therapy when they're ready, not necessarily when they need it most, which is unfortunate

 

I think it is time you block him. I don't think you should see it as a big deal. If he's really desperate to get in touch with you because of some life-threatening issue, he will find a way (there's always a way). It's also a reversible decision but I would not recommend looking back. Blocking him prevents him from contacting you but also sends the message that you're moving on and he needs to accept that. It will empower you.

[SweetGirl28]

Words are just that. It's actions that speak volumes.

Saying he misses you doesn't mean he wants you. It's an easy way for him to keep you hanging on to false hope.

He can have you there as back up if he's lonely, bored, or just feeling like mind f****** you.

If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. A man who wants you will move mountains to secure you.

Find a local man, not boy(boy because he's being immature and selfish) to give you what you are deserving of.

[DancingFool]

Analyzing is all good and well, but sometimes you simply have to take action. You asked him nicely and clearly. He is blatantly disregarding your request, so you take action and block and delete him. Also, stop looking at what he is posting on social media. You aren't helping yourself heal and move on, just hurting yourself with that. There is no reason to stay friends with ex's unless you have children. Learning to let go is an important life skill.

[reinventmyself]

Limit toxic people in your life. Life is just easier that way.

He's toxic and keeps stirring up drama.

 

I read something once that stuck with me:

 

Consider people who are in your life as 'honored guests'

 

This one is clearly not deserving. Block him.

 

Self esteem and self respect are byproducts of acting in your own self care.

Make wise decisions and you'll see yourself evolve.

(I loved therapy too)

[Hollyj]

Block and delete.

 

He disrespected you when he cheated, and he is still disrespecting you. He does not care how this affects you.

[Annia]

Block and delete him. He's not respecting your request, so you need to take action for your own good. Take responsibility for your own well being. Do whatever it is necessary to heal, let go and move on.

[Hollyj]

How many times did you meet up with this guy?

[DanZee]

I think you like therapy because you like to torture yourself reliving toxic relationships. You shouldn't have even spent the time to write in about him. You should have just blocked him and deleted him. Don't let this guy torture you any longer.

[Cope]

You guys are right, I do need to block him, his messages are bugging me even though I haven't read them all. They're in the back of my mind telling me "awww look, he's sad" even if I know he isn't. It's not occupying my mind that much, no worries. I am doing very well with my healing, I just thought that because I knew that this was going to be pretty easy compared to other break ups,that maybe I'm not paying enough attention to my healing. Also, last night's nightmare kinda spooked me, but I'm sure it's just my mind processing things in the background.

 

 

@DancingFool You right, but I think I wasn't clear; I unfollowed him on everything the day we broke up, the incident I mentioned was the trigger for our break up. I usually never remain friends with my exes, there is just the one I mentioned in my initial post, which I don't even really consider a relationship and he is really a nice guy that just didn't work out. I have told this now ex that exactly. I don't do "friends" especially so soon. I did think that maybe I could do it with him, but from his actions now, I doubt it.

 

@Hollyj I don't consider it cheating as it was an open relationship. It does feel bad though that he preferred another over me, that's one thing I have to deal with. But yeah, he doesn't care how his actions affect me in general, he showed that in some cases. Also, we met up 3 times in the span of 4ish months.

 

Consider people who are in your life as 'honored guests'

 

Awesome words indeed!! Thanks!!

 

 

I think you like therapy because you like to torture yourself reliving toxic relationships. You shouldn't have even spent the time to write in about him. You should have just blocked him and deleted him. Don't let this guy torture you any longer.

 

No, I like therapy because I feel relieved when analysing toxic relationships that scarred my childhood yet explain my behavior throughout my whole life and because I learn how to change my reactions to similar events, small or big. Therapy is the best! I'm doing CBT, I understand there are different types, if one method doesn't work for you, try another. I always tell people that, just because they are doctors doesn't mean they are good for you.

That said, I do have a tendency to over analyse, that's true, and to "punish" myself. This is the most thought I gave this guy since the day we broke up and the next I think. Well I mean analysing, he did pop into my mind daily for the first week definitely, but now rarely. That's why I think I dreamt about him. Anyways.

 

 

 

So yeah, you're guys are right, I should block him, I can't do it yet, I need for it to feel completely right ya know? I'll keep you updated. I just want to write to him "don't make me block you" but I know that even one peep from me will keep him going. If I wait it out, he will stop eventually and IF I ever feel like texting him in the future (huge IF) then maaaaaybe I'll explain my actions (again) (so *ell no).

 

Thanks again for your support and for reading me venting!

[glitterfingers]

I'm guessing you can't block him yet because you feel partly responsible for the way things ended up - i.e. you didn't set boundaries, but he managed to cross them anyway. You're probably thinking, how can you really blame him for that? This is a lesson for you to be more selective of the people you let into your life moving forward, and to be upfront as soon as you realise that your needs have changed (so as to avoid being hurt by actions that you've led the other to believe are permissible)

 

It is difficult. It also means you need to have the strength to walk away (and block/delete people) if things aren't working out - because you have to prioritise your own wellbeing over anything else

[Cope]

I'm guessing you can't block him yet because you feel partly responsible for the way things ended up - i.e. you didn't set boundaries, but he managed to cross them anyway. You're probably thinking, how can you really blame him for that? This is a lesson for you to be more selective of the people you let into your life moving forward, and to be upfront as soon as you realise that your needs have changed (so as to avoid being hurt by actions that you've led the other to believe are permissible)

 

It is difficult. It also means you need to have the strength to walk away (and block/delete people) if things aren't working out - because you have to prioritise your own wellbeing over anything else

 

Although it's not the reason I didn't block him, it's true I didn't set boundaries and I think I never do. I need to work on that. You are also spot on with being upfront when anything has changed, that was one of the problems that led to this situation indeed. I wanted to break up with him before he did because things changed for me yet I was waiting for something;maybe for the all time classic, for him to change, lol!

 

I wanted to reply when you wrote this post but I wasn't ready to block him and I knew it was probably, no definitely the best option. One thing I didn't mention is I still owe him a small amount of money for something fun we did together and I didn't want him to think that I wouldn't repay him, but now I see that that is probably an excuse for me to not set boundaries.

 

So because I didn't block him, I received a message of course. It's like he's texting from the "what exes do 101" book. He was in the hospital for some health scare. I didn't want to reply but of course guilt sank in. Fortunately, before I replied, I processed the whole thing in my mind meaning, I knew this is a highly manipulative move and I wanted to treat it as such. Didn't managed to call him out on it, but we had a small talk. He even said he wanted me back yada yada yada, the whole typical story! And I know he's still with the girl he left me for! LOL! Thankfully, the thought of getting back with him only crossed my mind because he mentioned it, I mean I DON'T WANT TO get back together period .

 

He said he wanted to talk about it, I told him that even this conversation is hard for me and I don't know why. I didn't tell him I didn't have feelings for him anymore yet, but our talk kinda helped me understand things and specially the reason it was still bugging me. He is so insecure and was manipulative even when we were together, I was just ignoring all the red flags because I wanted to live the experience. I am so glad I am growing from all this and I still LOVE my therapist. Can't wait till I manage to stand up for myself, set boundaries and actually keep them. Life will be a whole lot easier.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to give the small update for the laughs and if anyone is in a similar position, know that they almost always come back and most importantly, blocking them is the best way to go, ESPECIALLY if you still crave for their return and can't resist. This forum is full of people with the best advice, take it!! That said, I still haven't blocked him (I know), gonna talk to him tomorrow, fingers crossed I'll find the courage to do so.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately since you agreed to an open relationship, you are both free to date others so he didn't "leave you for someone". Pay him back what you owe him rather than holding his money ransom in the hopes that he continues to contact you/comes back to you. This isn't about "he won't stop texting", it's about you won't let go.

Long story short, short term casual/open/ld relationship

[Jibralta]

On the other hand maybe he is truly sad I am not talking to him,but even so, he is not respecting what I asked from him.

 

Sounds like he's trying to weasel his way back into your good graces by NOT RESPECTING YOU. And is it working? I hope not, because when he's back in your good graces, he will continue to NOT RESPECT YOU ;)

[HeartGoesOn]

No offense, but if you truly want him out of your life, you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse. You're obviously short changing yourself by remaining in denial.

 

I hope you find your way...

[Cope]

Thanks for the responses!

I'm not holding the money as a ransom, I don't want to get back together and his texts, specially the first ones bothered me a lot! Even his last text about the hospital bothered me, yet in the end I think it helped me sort out my remaining feelings for the whole situation. I didn't give this break up the attention it needed, funny enough, I also started dating right away a bit until I realised that wasn't a good idea either (although still seeing this one guy), so I didn't really process it and his text yesterday triggered my thoughts so I straightened them out. Today I was actually looking forward to talking to him to tell him that I don't want to get back with him. The only reason I didn't do it immediately is because first i was busy and second, I needed to figure out exactly how I felt and why so I won't leave anything behind again. No rush.

 

He is trying to weasel his way back into my good graces by not respecting me and no, it's not working!

We talked today, it was nice, but I was clear to him that I don't want to get back together. That simple. I explained how he made me feel during the relationship and how if I chose to go back that would be a whole bunch of steps backwards for me. He was trying to find some hidden meaning in my words. Seriously, it was like dumping him this time. I'm sure he'll insist on getting back together at some point, but trust me, I never wanted to get back together and his behavior now is validating my choice.

 

Overall to be honest it was a nice talk, we remembered the good times and had some laughs and I remembered the bad times too and was thankful that I'm over him, finally. I don't know why it was still bugging me, I still think it's because my ego was hurt. Anyways, this is the first time I've ever spoken to an ex like this after a break up, It went well, but I think it's just because of the specific guy and the fact that although I did fall for him, I wasn't head over heels, I knew something was wrong from the get go so I didn't let myself go completely.

 

I still wouldn't advise anyone to do this as it is so easy to slip back.

Anyways, I'll keep you posted if anything interesting happens, although I think I know how it will go already. He will keep texting me as we did agree to keep in touch, but the degree of "in touch" varies, I'm sure and I don't want to be daily text buddies. My "keep in touch" is maybe twice a year or whatever. I don't think his is that scarce. Either way I see how this still is a dangerous path,so I will be careful.

 

I don't think I'm in denial of wanting him back, if that's what you meant HeartGoeson. It was nice reminiscing the good times, but there was absolutely no desire from me to get that back. I think the reason why I'm not blocking him or whatever, is that I'm used to being a people pleaser, which is not good either and I will work on that too. It's like I can't say no, ya know?

[boltnrun]

You can say no, you're choosing not to.

 

What is telling is, you said to him "if I chose to go back..." which, as you know, is you leaving the door open.

 

Sorry, it does look like you want him to keep trying. It doesn't make sense to complain that he keeps texting you when you told him today it's OK for him to stay in touch.

 

You are giving him mixed messages.

[itsallgrand]

When you say one thing and do another, you show people they do not have to listen nor respect your words. You will be seen as a bullish/r and people will have a hard time taking you seriously.

This leaves you a big mark for those kind who don't respect people in the first place- you become easy to take advantage of.

 

You told him to leave you alone. He pestered you enough and disregarded your wishes, and you have now spoken with him and agreed to keep in touch. How seriously do you think he takes what you say seriously ?

 

It's great you are in therapy because it sounds rather self destructive .

[Cope]

You can say no, you're choosing not to.

 

What is telling is, you said to him "if I chose to go back..." which, as you know, is you leaving the door open.

 

Sorry, it does look like you want him to keep trying. It doesn't make sense to complain that he keeps texting you when you told him today it's OK for him to stay in touch.

 

You are giving him mixed messages.

 

I don't want him to keep trying, i don't want him back. The "chose" was probably a bad choice of words because I wanted to be polite as usual, me putting the other first.

He's the one who wants to keep in touch and I'm the one who can't say no, but not because I'm leaving a door open. I told him many times I don't want to get back together. It might be mixed signals, true, I will make it clear if the chance even comes. I don't care if it comes though. Right now I just want to focus on myself , therapy, work etc.Last thing I want is him back in my life the way he was. This does contradict me saying that we'll keep in touch with, but I honestly don't want him back neither as a friend. I do keep in touch with an ex of mine and it is nice because it's scarce and genuine. If we get to that point with this guy, cool, if not, cool again. Even writing the "if we get to that point" looks like I want to put an effort in it or whatever, but I don't. Reading all of the responses did help me to understand even more of what is happening and how much I need to be careful which drives my "keeping in touch" to an even more spaced out texts. Again, the "need to be careful" indicates that I want to put effort into this, which I don't. I think I just got closure by this phonecall, which I've never experienced in my life.

 

 

Itsallgrande actually nailed it:

 

When you say one thing and do another, you show people they do not have to listen nor respect your words. You will be seen as a bullish/r and people will have a hard time taking you seriously.

This leaves you a big mark for those kind who don't respect people in the first place- you become easy to take advantage of.

 

You told him to leave you alone. He pestered you enough and disregarded your wishes, and you have now spoken with him and agreed to keep in touch. How seriously do you think he takes what you say seriously ?

 

It's great you are in therapy because it sounds rather self destructive .

 

That's what I do and I am self destructive in general, and I am sticking to therapy and working on it.

Heck, I can't even stand my ground when it comes to treating my friends on a night out or vice versa! it's bad!!

[Cope]

Just an update: he ended up asking me to move in with me and I finally made it clear that I don't want anything from him. I could have said it better, (meaning, I still said that we could talk if he wanted to because he's going through a rough patch, but I don't want him drawing any conclusions), but at least I said it.First response was a nice and plain "No." I also JUST blocked him, actually feels good. Better late than never right? Maybe the next block comes easier to me now.

 

Thanks for all of the responses, very helpful as always!!

[Cope]

And deleted his phonenumber just now! Gosh this is so refreshing! Wish I could do it earlier as you all suggested!