Disrespectful Adult daughter

[Wiseman2]

She's not immature, she's angry. You seem to be happy that her life is problematic, why is that? Keep in mind you raised her so it's partially a reflection on you.

I can't remember who said it on this thread but they said that LIFE will deal her consequences. Well, it has already happened. Her family on her father's side have nothing to do with her. My brother hasn't spoken to her in over 20 years and refuses to visit me if she is here.

[Silverbirch]

She's not immature, she's angry. You seem to be happy that her life is problematic, why is that? Keep in mind you raised her so it's partially a reflection on you.

 

I don't believe that is a fair comment to make Wiseman.

 

op, from. What you say, she has a serious personality disorder. I hope that she will choose to get professional help at some point, the sooner, and become committed to making a better life for herself.

 

I wish I had some good advice to give you. I have an adult son who had something in his life he had to deal with which would be enormous for most people. I know there were so many times that I received the brunt of his sadness and a whole heap of conflicting emotions. He seems to have turned a very big corner in the last year. I'm so proud of him. I didn't have a lot if the issues you have to deal with though there were times he was a real shocker in the way he spoke to me. It was devastating having to deal with that years and years. I am choosing not to day further about the details because firstly, it's not other people's business. Secondly, my son and I both learnt that other people judge - mostly people whose business it isn't. My son was judged for something not in his control. In some ways, I'm not a conventional mother. I do think it was helpful to my son when I told him in adulthood, "It's not other people's effing business. You don't need to explain to anyone. I suppose he knew that I was his ally. He always knew really - not sure why he pretended I wasn't sometimes.

 

Anyways, things are good now. We are close, and I would say right now that he is the best son in the world. Xx

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman..................I am not find pleasure and happiness in the fact that some of our family members choose not to speak or see her. In fact,

it is rather embarrassing and makes me feel I didn't do a good job as a mother, when I feel I did the best I knew how at the time. I married a man

who never supported me when it came to discipline. I took her to counseling and used the tools that I were taught. Did he go with me? No.

It was easier for him to allow her whatever her hearts desires so he wouldn't have to deal with her temper tantrums. Once, she called me a in front

of her dad, and what do you think his reply was when I reprimanded her about it? " Well, you are one".......I had to live with that for seventeen years.

Was I a perfect parent? No. But between the two of us, I gave it my best shot and tried to set a good example for her in the hopes that she would grow up

and become a happy well adjusted individual. In many ways I am proud of her.....but it does bother me when people shun her or tell me they don't want to be

here if she is going to be here too, or when they call me to tell me how mean she is......it is hurtful. And finally, about a year after our divorce, my exhusband

told me that I was right all along. I couldn't believe my ears! He said that he should have supported me, and he felt that it might be too late. I told him it is never

too late. Well, nothing changed. In fact, I think it is about the same. The fact that they live together and feed off of each other's hot tempers doesn't help either.

[Sweet Sue]

Silverbirch..........I am happy things seemed to have worked out for you! Parenting is not an easy job and doesn't come with instructions.

We, as parent, just have to do the best we can. Sometimes, our best doesn't produce good fruit in spite of our efforts. They are parents

who put very little effort in raising their children and sometimes get it all wrong and their children turn out to be happy well adjusted individuals.

Then, there are those who try their best and try to do all the right things and regardless of what they do, their children or child will grow up to be

rude, disrespectful and some, even law breakers. I know of one such family. It is heartbreaking, there is no joy in knowing that people avoid her,

none at all.

[ThatwasThen]

Wiseman..................I am not find pleasure and happiness in the fact that some of our family members choose not to speak or see her. In fact,

it is rather embarrassing and makes me feel I didn't do a good job as a mother, when I feel I did the best I knew how at the time. I married a man

who never supported me when it came to discipline. I took her to counseling and used the tools that I were taught. Did he go with me? No.

It was easier for him to allow her whatever her hearts desires so he wouldn't have to deal with her temper tantrums. Once, she called me a in front

of her dad, and what do you think his reply was when I reprimanded her about it? " Well, you are one".......I had to live with that for seventeen years.

I believe that one of the biggest contributors to children who grow up to be menaces to society is due to parents having two different parenting styles and not backing one another up when it comes to discipline. Your husband is reprehensible in his validation of her anti-social behavior. Sadly, Sue, you didn't have a chance in keeping her civil.

 

Would your daughter and grandson and you consider family therapy? Would your daughter be open to that so that you learn to navigate each other civilly and neither of you push buttons or trigger the other? I'm pretty sure that your grandson needs the help in that he doesn't bear scars that his mothers inability to be decent will invoke.

 

I feel for you. I'm scared for him.

[Sweet Sue]

I hear you ThatwasThen. And you are right. As for whether or not she would consider family therapy, I don't know. She lives a little over 3 hours from me and is in college,

her senior year and is taking care of her sick father. She has alot on her plate right now and it may be not be the right time to bring it up. I do know that she had been

in therapy for over a year a fews years ago. I wish I lived closer to her so that we could go together. Whether or not she is open to it once things settle down a little remains to be seen.

I am scared for him too! But I am not allowed to intervene when I see things I think are wrong unless it's animal cruelty........and I did intervene. I am told to mind my own business. So I do......

[Silverbirch]

Silverbirch..........I am happy things seemed to have worked out for you! Parenting is not an easy job and doesn't come with instructions.

We, as parent, just have to do the best we can. Sometimes, our best doesn't produce good fruit in spite of our efforts. They are parents

who put very little effort in raising their children and sometimes get it all wrong and their children turn out to be happy well adjusted individuals.

Then, there are those who try their best and try to do all the right things and regardless of what they do, their children or child will grow up to be

rude, disrespectful and some, even law breakers. I know of one such family. It is heartbreaking, there is no joy in knowing that people avoid her,

none at all.

Op, something which went enormously in my son's favor was that he LOVED school and did well at school I used to have a job keeping him home when he was sick. He was also very popular, had a lot of friends and even in childhood has been one of those people his peers copied. Most of the time they has been positive.

 

When he was so disrespectful to me, especially in adulthood, it was heartbreaking for Mr.

 

Please tell your daughter you ate proud of her and love her despite the issues. Xxxx

[Sweet Sue]

Silverbirch.......I am glad that he loved school and did so well. My daughter didn't do very well in school. She did just enough to squeak by. However,

she is now a senior in college with a 4.0 GPA. I am so proud of her! In grade school, she hung out with great kids and I never had to worry about who she

was with. I knew their parents and we were friends with them as well (her dad and I). When we moved away, that's went things went so very wrong. Even

though she was in a Christian private school, she started hanging out with the wrong crowd despite all our efforts to discourage her.

 

When your son was disrespectful to you, was he living with you? What did you do?

 

When I send her text messages, I do tell her that I love her and how much I admire what all she has accomplished while being a single mother. I know I

couldn't do it.

 

((hugs))

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you just don't get along. She's a single mother taking care of a child and her father. Let it rest. A 34 y/o woman doesn't need family therapy to get along with her mother. Her focus is on her son and her degree, not you. As it should be.

is in college,

her senior year and is taking care of her sick father.

[thealchemist]

Well my parents raised all of us very similarly.

 

I have a sister and a brother.

 

I am a well adjusted (relatively) person. I have never not had a job since I was 12. I have a wife and 2 awesome children. I don't even have any speeding tickets. I have multiple college degrees as does my wife (she has twice mine too).

 

My brother and sister were raised like I was.

 

But they both have had long jail sentences. Are both violent felons. Have extreme drug dependencies and are very unstable. I have a dozen scars on my body from growing up as the youngest around them.

 

A couple of baseball bat fractures and knife wounds. A glancing hit from a 20 gauge on my side, because rock salt is so funny... And more threats on my life than I could possibly count.

 

My brother was disowned by my family a decade ago because he is such a bad person.

 

My sister is still a disrespectful brat at 5 years my senior.

 

I am 30, my sister is 35, my brother is 37.

 

My point is that you can't be totally responsibly for your children's action. Picking a crappy dad to start a family with doesn't help, but come on. It could be worse.

[Tanzi]

We both have been in counseling.......separately. I was told that as soon as she begins to disrespect me, to warn her if she is going to talk to me that way, that I will hang up, then do it. In this case, there was no warning.

 

I want to add this: Do any of you reading this post, have children over 21? Let's suppose your son comes over to see you and starts mouthing off to you, using profanity and insulting you.........do you stand there and take it or ask him to leave? I am sure you would ask him to leave. Now, you see each other a week later........what do you do then?

Do you forget about the matter? Do you discuss what happened? I am struggling with what to do after I have been told....."go to hell",......." I wish you were dead...." etc you get

the idea. It is hard for me to act like nothing happened. To say NOTHING, in my opinion is as good as saying what you did was okay and well, since you are over 21, I no longer have a right to speak up and let you know that will not be tolerated.

My father is 91 years old. My brother and I never, not once disrespected our parents. But I can assure you, if one of us insulted my father or told him to "f**k off! He would immediately go into his parenting mode and wouldn't care how old we are, he would most likely throw us out or slap our face. It's hard to be hit, kicked, slapped, insulted....over the years and then carry a conversation on the phone or welcome her into our home as if nothing happened. I think she believes my silence is the same of acceptance. And it is not!!! Adults need consequences for their actions just like kids, don't you think? I wouldn't treat my boss that way, would you and not expect consequences?

 

I have a 22 year old daughter. However, she hasn’t been diagnosed with the disorder that your daughter has and I think that fact is where the crux of this matter lies.

 

As has been said, there isn’t anything you can do to change the way your daughter treats you, you can only change the way it affects you. It’s not about forgetting what has been said, it’s more about accepting why they have been said and that disciplining her as an adult is not going to work. If she disrespects you, you either tell her to leave or, if it’s over the phone, you tell her that you are going to go and will speak to her later. There is little point in arguing with her as it will only affect the relationship you have with your grandson who, by the way, will be old enough to make his own decisions one day. Your relationship with him will be much better if he doesn’t see you arguing with his mum. Besides, she willl always need you, especially if she has a lot in her plate so it’s unlikely she will ever stop you from seeing him. The best thing is to not let it blow up to the point where she threatens it - for his sake more than anything else’s . I know it’s hard but remind yourself each time something like this happens that it isn’t personal, it’s her disorder.

 

I think I read somewhere that she is looking after her sick dad and that you are 3 hours away. Did you move away? Is it possible that she is harbouring some kind of resentment? The odd thing is though, you are both in the same boat.

[Sweet Sue]

Blue68................after the divorce I moved back here. She stayed with her dad. Her decision. I always had an open door policy. If she lives me with, she would

have to live by my rules....after all, she was only 14. She said no way, and chose to live with her dad.

In a conversation we had a few years after that, she told me it always bothered her that I didn't move to the new city she and her dad were moving to. I told her

I always regretted that too. If I could turn back the clock. Anyway, I asked her what she wanted me to do about that, what would make her feel better. She said,

an apology. I apologized to her. I was sincere and felt that moving away was a big mistake. I was hoping that we could now move forward and work on the relationship,

but that would never happen. She hasn't truly forgiven me. And I still regret the day I listened to my exhusband and took his advice that I should move back to where

I am living today, because he could give her a better life and if I did move with them and they moved away, he wouldn't pay for me to move again and I would be stuck

there. I bought it....hook, line and sinker. A year later, she wanted to come live with me. I told her that would be fine and I had a nice apt and an extra bedroom. I told her

if she moved in with me, I would have to set some boundaries. She didn't like my rules and stayed with her dad.

[ThatwasThen]

I hear you ThatwasThen. And you are right. As for whether or not she would consider family therapy, I don't know. She lives a little over 3 hours from me and is in college,

her senior year and is taking care of her sick father. She has alot on her plate right now and it may be not be the right time to bring it up. I do know that she had been

in therapy for over a year a fews years ago. I wish I lived closer to her so that we could go together. Whether or not she is open to it once things settle down a little remains to be seen.

I am scared for him too! But I am not allowed to intervene when I see things I think are wrong unless it's animal cruelty........and I did intervene. I am told to mind my own business. So I do......

 

Does she lash out at her son like she does you?

 

If she's a single mother looking after her sick father as well its no wonder she is so short tempered, though. Add getting her degree to all that stress and you have a time bomb just waiting to be triggered, I suppose. Seems You are the easiest to take her stress out on because you're more or less the outsider seeing as you don't live there and she's been with her dad since she was 14.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is to just do what your therapist recommended and calmly eject yourself from the scene of her outbursts slung your way. Let her come to you when she's ready. You can change you and how you react but you'll not be able to change her. Changing her is her job.

 

Tell yourself "serenity now" or "this too shall pass" when she's taking her problems out on you.

[Sweet Sue]

ThatwasThen..........unfortunately she does yell at her son especially when she is stressed. I know this because I have heard it while we are on the phone and if he

is doing something he is not supposed to, she will discipline him by yelling and screaming. It is then that I tell her that I can tell that she is busy and needs to

tend to her son and I will get back to her later, WHICH MAKERS HER EVEN ANGRIER, now with ME!

As for her sick father, her dad was in the hospital and then in rehab, for about 6 weeks. Fortunately, he is doing better and is slowly returning to work. She has a boyfriend

who moved in with her, along with his two kids. All fine with her dad. She told me she needed the help. He works in construction, but only on a semi regular basis.

So, they are in a family way. Her ex husband has little interest in his son and has refused to pay child support. Her father supports her and her son. I really think she

realizes the stress living with her dad is taking a toll on her. She told me one day that he is always mean and angry. My grandson calls in "Grumps". I asked her if she

thought the environment was healthy for her and her son. She said, no......but she really can't do much about it right now. When I go there to visit, they argue and fight.

It makes my visit very unpleasant. I want to spend as much time with my daughter and grandson as I possibly can since I don't see them very often, but I usually limit my

visits to one or two days.

It is always been my hope that we would someday be close. She's my only child, and when my father passes, I really won't have anyone.

[Silverbirch]

More Hugs OP. I'm trying to remember as best as I can just what was said the last time he lodgrd out with verbal abuse. I know that I didn't say much at all. Also, I had got to a point where I believed that he didn't want me in his life ever and although I felt heartbroken, I knew I would accept that and move on with my life. I recall that I said something very calmly and with no malice to the effect. "You need to do something something about your anger anger. Even when people love and forgive, hurtful words once said can never be completely taken back - because the hurt caused can be lasting." He slammed the phone down on me. Then he called me a few days later and apologised and has done a complete gurnsround.

 

I have gone go believe that one of the most positive influences in his life has been his best friend who he has had since early high school. They are like brothers. Strangely, in adulthood, his friend has had something much worse to deal with which relates to his father than my son has had. Well, my son has opened up a lot in this last year and said his friend, at pivotal tines has said. "Stop being an A-Hoke. " You see, this friend, my son and I both recognise as a strong man despite being young. He listens to his friend. BTW, I personally have not seen or spoken to his friend for years and no derp conversations ever.

 

Also, I had the same experience with sobs father - NO rules, lots of money. I was the parent who had dukes, and most teenagers given the choice will choose the home share they can do whatever they want.

[Silverbirch]

Well my parents raised all of us very similarly.

 

I have a sister and a brother.

 

I am a well adjusted (relatively) person. I have never not had a job since I was 12. I have a wife and 2 awesome children. I don't even have any speeding tickets. I have multiple college degrees as does my wife (she has twice mine too).

 

My brother and sister were raised like I was.

 

But they both have had long jail sentences. Are both violent felons. Have extreme drug dependencies and are very unstable. I have a dozen scars on my body from growing up as the youngest around them.

 

A couple of baseball bat fractures and knife wounds. A glancing hit from a 20 gauge on my side, because rock salt is so funny... And more threats on my life than I could possibly count.

 

My brother was disowned by my family a decade ago because he is such a bad person.

 

My sister is still a disrespectful brat at 5 years my senior.

 

I am 30, my sister is 35, my brother is 37.

 

My point is that you can't be totally responsibly for your children's action. Picking a crappy dad to start a family with doesn't help, but come on. It could be worse.

 

Big hugs to you Alchemist and thank you for your honesty and sharing.

[Sweet Sue]

Kudos to you Alchemist! It's pretty amazing that you didn't turn out like your brother and sister. It could have been

a very different outcome. Sounds like you have a wonderful life now despite all you have been through.

Thank you for sharing!

[Silverbirch]

Sweet Sue, on a positive note, I think that often when adult children arecdisresoectful and or abusive, and then contact you next, speaking as though nothing has happened, it can be because they KNOW you love them unconditionally

[Sweet Sue]

Silverbirch...........I do love her unconditionally. It doesn't mean that I will tolerate her rude comments. With her, she doesn't seem to get it.

At the same time, she is going through the same thing with her son now, who is 6 1/2. He balls up is fists and puts it in her face and smack

talks her. And she is on the phone with me, complaining about the situation and warning him about his behavior!

I don't say one thing. I don't have too.

It would be nice to hear an apology from her after what I have been put through. Maybe it will happen one day and maybe it won't. We shall see.........

[chitown9]

You are not alone, Sweet Sue. My daughter has spoken to me in such a disrespectful way that I am absolutely astonished. Her boyfriend told me she does the same with him, and he just looks at her as though she is crazy. He thinks that she does it because she is bipolar. IDK, but it is very hurtful. She doesn't curse, but just really makes sharp, hurtful replies. It doesn't not serve her well, but I agree with Silverbirch, she knows the unconditional love is there. chi

[Sweet Sue]

"Words can hit harder than a fist".......someone once said. I don't have a problem with someone getting angry. We ALL get angry. It's the hurtful,

spiteful, mean-spirited and disrespectful actions and words (especially the words) she resorts too when she is angry. I am not the only one she attacks.

She speaks this way to her father, her boyfriend and I have been told, her son. It's shocking to me. And her response is........" it's only words"., as if

that suppose to make me feel better. Yes, I do love her, but it makes it hard to "like" her.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Sue. How are you going. I'm sorry I have hardly been here for a while so only just saw your most recent reply.

 

Well we certainly empathise with you. I know your daughter is probably not like this, but my son has told me that he absolutely cannot handle hearing or seeing me cry - no matter what has happened. If I cry, my son neckband very angry, and it seems and feels like he is angry with me. He told me that even though he looks calm (I would say looks "cold") that if I cry he is so upset that he is physically shaking.

[Sweet Sue]

Hi Silverbirch. I haven't checked in for awhile either. Well, thank you for asking. My daughter and I ARE talking now. Naturally, she calls me and starts a conversation

as if nothing has happened. She called me to tell me that she thought that I would want to know that she and my grandson may have the flu. I almost didn't answer her

call, because I wasn't ready to talk to her. I still feel if we didn't talk for a good long while, she would realize the impact of not talking to me and that if she wants for us

to talk, she needs to control her tongue. I know she could have emailed that very same message to me. I think, in all honesty, that she is trying to do better, but she lives

with her dad who has a very bad temper and uses profanity on a regular basis, it's no excuse, but it's what she lives with.,sadly....

That is interesting what you shared about your son and how he feels when he sees you cry. Has he ever resorted to physical violence to even attempted to harm you?

People are interesting on how they react to someone crying. For me, I immediately feel bad and want to console the person, others are hard nosed about it. My ex

husband would become angrier and some disconnect. When I cry, my daughter is uncaring and unresponsive. It baffles me, I am totally the opposite.

[jennylove]

When she starts being mean, hang up on her.

[catfeeder]

Sweet Sue, on a positive note, I think that often when adult children arecdisresoectful and or abusive, and then contact you next, speaking as though nothing has happened, it can be because they KNOW you love them unconditionally

 

The whole concept of unconditional love only means that your love for another isn't conditional, but that doesn't mean you're a sucker for accepting bad behavior. I'd tell lovely daughter that no matter what, I will always love her, but some people are best loved from far away. Unless and until she's willing to halt the abusive behavior, she'll have my love in spirit--but she's on her own. The only way I'm willing to engage going forward is with an agreement of mutual respect. She's free to let me know if she's ever willing to accept those terms. Until then, she's loved but not welcome in my home or to ring my phone. Period.

 

Don't allow jargon to influence your ability to draw clear lines of respect. Those are the most loving lessons you can impose, because if daughter doesn't learn how to demonstrate respect for you, the rest of the world will only impose far more brutal rejection of her treatment as unacceptable.

 

Consider such boundaries to be the bare minimum daughter will need to learn how to recognize in order to operate in any semblance of harmony with the rest of the world.

 

Failure to teach daughter this won't do her, you, or your grandkids, any favors.

 

Head high.