Disrespectful Adult daughter

[Wiseman2]

It seems if she doesn't contact you, you are angry with her. If she does contact you, you are angry with her or it's the wrong way, so you are angry at her. When she does call, you expect to continue the long standing grudges but she doesn't and that also makes you angry.

Naturally, she calls me and starts a conversation as if nothing has happened. She called me to tell me that she thought that I would want to know that she and my grandson may have the flu. I almost didn't answer her call, because I wasn't ready to talk to her. I still feel if we didn't talk for a good long while, she would realize the impact of not talking to me and that if she wants for usto talk, she needs to control her tongue.

[Sweet Sue]

What makes me angry, is that she doesn't hold herself accountable. Over the years, I have been both physically and mentally abused by her. Not once has she

ever apologized or acknowledged that she has a problem controlling her anger and needs help. May I remind you, she almost lost custody of her son because of

her anger issues.

She will tell me, "you're dead to me", " go f**k yourself and then hangup on me. A few weeks later, she calls me and shares with me everything that has been going

on in her life.....she's usually very polite and kind, but fails to realize that I am not as engaging because I am still hurt by her words. Think about it, anytime someone

has insulted you and hit you, did you find it easy the next time you speak to them to act like nothing happened? I don't think so. It's my guess that you are hoping

this person who is a friend, co worker or a family member will realize the harm they have caused you and will apologize. Remember: words hit harder than a fist.

She is almost 35 years old and too old for spankings, but I am her mother and always will be. I have never, not even once, used profanity in speaking to my daughter.

It is not how I was raised. I make every attempt to talk to her the way I expect her to talk to me. And when she smack talks me, it is best for me to put distance from her

for a while instead of cussing her out. I don't think it is unreasonable for me to expect an apology. I may not ever get one, but I haven't given up hope.

[Sweet Sue]

Thank you catfeeder..........I love your advice.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe to let go of the anger you need to let go of the hope she'll change?

 

I was angry for years at my mom because of her behaviour linked to her drinking problem. It was only when I took space - it was over a year - where I worked on my end and made boundaries I needed for her to be in my life again. I also spent that time coming to terms with the understanding that she may never change and seperate her from me . I had to accept where I did not have control and where I did . So much anger was released during that time. I got out of the loop we had both helped to create.

[catfeeder]

Maybe to let go of the anger you need to let go of the hope she'll change?

 

I was angry for years at my mom because of her behaviour linked to her drinking problem. It was only when I took space - it was over a year - where I worked on my end and made boundaries I needed for her to be in my life again. I also spent that time coming to terms with the understanding that she may never change and seperate her from me . I had to accept where I did not have control and where I did . So much anger was released during that time. I got out of the loop we had both helped to create.

 

This is a fabulous post and the concept it raises can be a real healer if you're willing to go there.

 

When we can limit our expectations to a focus on our own behavior as serving to move US forward rather than stangating in rumination over it's impacts on our 'target,' then liberation breeds strength and demonstrates strength--and it's a win/win, no matter how you slice it.

 

Think of setting boundaries as your percentage play: you 'win' to the degree that you can liberate yourself from a preoccupation with outcomes, and your daughter wins from witnessing your strength as something she never expected from you, AND she may or may not recognize the degree to which her actions prompted such a response. Either way, there are wins for both of you, regardless of whether your fantasies of a best case scenario play out or not.

 

Head high, and recognize that wins are not always apparent until you, yourself, can reach high enough ground to gain the right perspective to see them.

[Sweet Sue]

....I think of the money I have spent over the years on behavioral therapists and psychologists who have never given my the insights and guidance that I have received

from all of you. :-)

[Cope]

....I think of the money I have spent over the years on behavioral therapists and psychologists who have never given my the insights and guidance that I have received

from all of you. :-)

 

Aw I loved all the advice too! Very helpful indeed!

I can't offer you any different advice I'm afraid, I just felt the need to say that I am going through almost the same thing but I'm the daughter and my mother is the disrespectful one. Ok she doesn't hang up or call me names (unfortunately I was the one who did that when I was younger, always apologized though), but she does tend to still think I'm a baby and really does get on my nerves with all the questions and guilt she is bringing on me.

 

She does not want to get therapy, but I am. Even before therapy though, the best way to deal with it is when she starts drilling me with questions and guilt, I warn her that we should change the subject because we will start fighting again. If she continues, I tell her that I will hang up now because this is not leading anywhere and we've talked about it before.

 

When I'm not in a good mood and am afraid I will not handle it properly, I don't pick up the phone. We also live far apart so that helps. I love her dearly, but we just don't have the same views on life and how to live it. Of course, it's not always that perfect as I described, but the bad moments are getting more scarce lately. Also, I found that communicating through text is, oddly enough, easier for both of us. Maybe try that?

[Sweet Sue]

Cope.....yes, I find myself stressing out when my cell phone rings and I see her name on it. I tell myself, STRESS, is calling. LOL....I never know what to expect when

I pick up the phone. If she if upbeat, that typically means we will have a good conversation. I try to limit my responses and say things like, "Oh that's great", "Glad to

hear that", but when I don't like somethings she says, I give no response. But even that is hard on me. I am a Mama Bear. When I see my cub treading into dangerous

territory, my natural instinct kicks in and I want to to say, "stop it, don't do it!" "Listen to me, you will be sorry", but I don't and it causes me to feel sad about what is

happening in her life because she makes bad choices and when she does, WE ALL suffer with her. Very briefly, she is engaged to a man who is very controlling and

very insecure. He can't stand for another guy to even look at her, or he assumes they have been together. He breaks down and has crying spells about every two weeks.

[Sweet Sue]

..........continued from above. He is so insecure about their relationship, and his greatest fear is that she will one day leave him and he tells he this all the time. She tells

me how frustrated she is with his insecurities and the control he has over her, but that she is in too deep. Her son loves him and she has become very close to his daughters.

I hear the frustration and stress in her voice. I want to offer her my advice, but she doesn't ask, so I say nothing. I get off the phone and cry. It's like watching her on the ledge

of a burning building and fear keeps her on the ledge even though she wants to jump and save herself. I am down there, watching her agony and wanting to yell, "JUMP". But I say nothing. I am a mom and can't shake myself of wanting to get into mommy mode and tell her that this guy is has some serious mental issues and the best advice I could give her is to do herself a favor and my grandson as well, and end the relationship. But, I made the decision to let her handle this and hopefully she will make the right choice and be happy with it.

[catfeeder]

I try to limit my responses and say things like, "Oh that's great", "Glad to hear that", but when I don't like somethings she says, I give no response. But even that is hard on me. I am a Mama Bear. When I see my cub treading into dangerous territory, my natural instinct kicks in and I want to to say, "stop it, don't do it!" "Listen to me, you will be sorry",

 

Consider substituting silence on what you don't like with any of the following: "Oh." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I hear." "How can I help?" "Okay." "What do you think you want to do about that?" "If a way that I can help occurs to you, please feel free to let me know."

 

This carries your active listening into the lousy stuff and 'supports' without offending, offers support without overreaching, and it puts daughter in the driver's seat to come up with solutions instead of just dumping on you. It prompts a cognitive shift away from complaining mode into rational thinking mode.

 

You may also want to consider offering daughter a rule. "Here's the thing. When you complain about BF, you position me to like him less. Then when you kiss and make up, I'm left with being the enemy who dislikes your BF. So how about if you limit complaints about him to brainstorming ways to overcome any given problem. If I can help you with that, then I'm all ears. Otherwise, you dump on me, then you feel better, I feel worse--and nothing changes. I'd rather not do that. Let's work together if I can help, and if not, let's talk about stuff that makes us happy."

 

This helps you avoid embedding daughter deeper into her problems rather than helping her in any way, and as you've noticed, it's not productive and hearts your heart.

 

Head high.

[Sweet Sue]

I'll give it a try....we will see how it goes!

[candylady]

Could we have the same daughter? Mine is 39, we have raised her son since he was about 13, just graduated HS, she kept him as a hostage the entire time, if we did not go along with her antics she would take him back (she was lazy about sending him to school and would verbally abuse him)so we went along. Now I feel I no longer have to put up with her disrespect and verbal abuse. We have not spoken since the last time she cursed me out. My husband has finally gotten tired of it also. My biggest problem is- I no longer have love for her. I care that she has so much anger and her poor choices has put her in the position she is in, no steady income, different job and boyfriend every few months, boyfriends are losers, don't work. She knows she has nothing, going nowhere but doesn't understand she is the only one who can do anything about it.

 

Am I the only one who has lost love for their child? Is this normal?