Secret vs. Private

[abitbroken]

I think why this is much bigger for him is that he now has people you are friends with trying to friend him, etc. Its not a simple - the photo was deleted and that was that. If one of my family is dating someone, I don't immediately go friend them -- it implies these people are busy bodies.

[itsallgrand]

I'm wondering too what wiseman asked if there are any plans for a near future where you'll be living much closer to each other and get to start meshing your lives a bit more?

[Pleasedonot5]

I did apologize for making him feel exposed and uncomfortable. He said he's told close friends (these are about 5 people who don't live in his city who I've never met or spoken to) and he admitted to not telling his mother or sister because he "doesn't like them in his business". I'm not sure how I want to proceed...

Sounds sketch to me. I would at least... Well demand is a strong word... But strongly insist that he tell family and friends if he wants the relationship to work. I understand no PDA on social media, but why would he want to hide you?

[Jibralta]

I feel as though he's blurring the lines of private into secret and I told him I am not interested in a secret relationship where I feel I can NEVER reference it, especially considering how long we've been together. Am I in the wrong here?

 

I don't think it's a case of right and wrong. I think it's more about respecting each other's feelings. In this case, I think you should defer to his preference because he is more reserved about sharing on social media. You're entitled to your own opinion, of course. Hopefully, the two of you can eventually come to understand each other's point of view.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Forget about him maybe having another person in his life or a double life or whatever. The thing that I’m worried about is the fact that he seemed that upset over you tagging him in a photo. And if he needed to “calm himself down“ and if he is getting so mad about such a minuscule thing like that, what happens when something really big happens? How mad does he get about the big things?

[hotcocoa954]

I think why this is much bigger for him is that he now has people you are friends with trying to friend him, etc. Its not a simple - the photo was deleted and that was that. If one of my family is dating someone, I don't immediately go friend them -- it implies these people are busy bodies.

 

Maybe, but like I told him, friend requests can be denied (I received a request after the photo was posted as well and I declined).

[hotcocoa954]

Forget about him maybe having another person in his life or a double life or whatever. The thing that I’m worried about is the fact that he seemed that upset over you tagging him in a photo. And if he needed to “calm himself down“ and if he is getting so mad about such a minuscule thing like that, what happens when something really big happens? How mad does he get about the big things?

 

Exactly and this is why I told him I want a few days of space because I'm evaluating all of that. This started after he saw the post and messaged me with: "I'm not trying to ruin your day but you have really ruined mine...."

[hotcocoa954]

I don't think it's a case of right and wrong. I think it's more about respecting each other's feelings. In this case, I think you should defer to his preference because he is more reserved about sharing on social media. You're entitled to your own opinion, of course. Hopefully, the two of you can eventually come to understand each other's point of view.

 

Thank you. I hope we can have a real heart to heart in another day or so. I just need a break from it right now (which I told him).

[hotcocoa954]

Sounds sketch to me. I would at least... Well demand is a strong word... But strongly insist that he tell family and friends if he wants the relationship to work. I understand no PDA on social media, but why would he want to hide you?

 

Yes, in our exchange about this I did say that us not meeting one another's family and friends doesn't sit right with me anymore. He said he doesn't have a problem meeting anyone in person, just not over social media.

[hotcocoa954]

I'm wondering too what wiseman asked if there are any plans for a near future where you'll be living much closer to each other and get to start meshing your lives a bit more?

 

No we haven't seriously discussed that yet. We need to.

[boltnrun]

I guess I don't understand why you understood that posting a NYE pic wouldn't fly with him but you thought a Valentine's Day one would be OK. He seemed to have made it clear that no pics meant no pics. What was it about Valentine's Day that made you think he'd agree it is an exception?

 

I realize his anger may seem over the top, but apparently he made his feelings about it very clear a couple of months ago. He might think you deliberately disregarded his wishes. And he's apparently questioning your motivations for doing so.

 

Was some part of you wanting to bring the relationship out into the open because you're tired of feeling like a "secret"?

[DaisyMayPorter]

Exactly and this is why I told him I want a few days of space because I'm evaluating all of that. This started after he saw the post and messaged me with: "I'm not trying to ruin your day but you have really ruined mine...."

 

That would have made me so sad... I’m sorry he said that to you. It seems a bit dramatic, don’t you think?

[LootieTootie]

I'm a pretty private person and don't post on FB. However, if my bf posted a cute pic of us and tagged us as a couple, I wouldn't get angry and immediately rush to untag and remove the info.

 

Same. Reading your post Hotcocoa, my gut tells me something isn't adding up. Maybe he isn't ready to show you off to your group and his family but there's no reason to get riled up.

 

Also I must ask but were the collage full of bad pictures of him? My bf hates taking pictures, and funnily enough we got into a fight about this while we were vacationing. His beard has to be trimmed a certain away or look a certain way in order for him to be okay with taking pictures *eye roll* if its not, he won't take a picture at all. So glad we don't have fb because he would make me sign a contract to never post up any pictures of him on fb without his thorough assessment of the photos first.

[hotcocoa954]

That would have made me so sad... I’m sorry he said that to you. It seems a bit dramatic, don’t you think?

 

Thank you so much Daisy! Yes, I was really, really hurt at his response. He and I have had conversations before about past girlfriends who were unfaithful and they had relationships he didn't know about, talking to guys in their inboxes, etc. so I thought saying "Happy Valentine's Day, I love you" on my page would be more of a reassurance than anything that I'm committed to our relationship and I'm not concerned about any guys seeing it because there are no other guys. As a matter of fact 2 men, who had inboxed me in the last couple of months and I told them I was in a relationship, liked the photo of me and my guy as if to say, "Oh ok. This is the dude she turned me down for." But more than that, I was just happy and wanted to share my happiness for once. I thought he and I were in a more secure place to do that....and I was wrong.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Thank you so much Daisy! Yes, I was really, really hurt at his response. He and I have had conversations before about past girlfriends who were unfaithful and they had relationships he didn't know about, talking to guys in their inboxes, etc. so I thought saying "Happy Valentine's Day, I love you" on my page would be more of a reassurance than anything that I'm committed to our relationship and I'm not concerned about any guys seeing it because there are no other guys. As a matter of fact 2 men, who had inboxed me in the last couple of months and I told them I was in a relationship, liked the photo of me and my guy as if to say, "Oh ok. This is the dude she turned me down for." But more than that, I was just happy and wanted to share my happiness for once. I thought he and I were in a more secure place to do that....and I was wrong.

 

If someone told me I "ruined their day" then I better have done something really, really bad. Tagging someone on Facebook is not "ruining someone's day." I don't like getting tagged on Facebook either, but I would never accuse anyone of ruining my day. And if a guy inboxes you again, especially if he's local, maybe give him a shot!

[hotcocoa954]

I guess I don't understand why you understood that posting a NYE pic wouldn't fly with him but you thought a Valentine's Day one would be OK. He seemed to have made it clear that no pics meant no pics. What was it about Valentine's Day that made you think he'd agree it is an exception?

 

I realize his anger may seem over the top, but apparently he made his feelings about it very clear a couple of months ago. He might think you deliberately disregarded his wishes. And he's apparently questioning your motivations for doing so.

 

Was some part of you wanting to bring the relationship out into the open because you're tired of feeling like a "secret"?

 

He never said 'no pics', I just noticed he had a certain hesitancy on NYE (just a look, not words) and I quickly said never mind and just posted myself and well wishes for the new year and my location (which is the city he lives in). He then commented a couple of days later that my post looked like I was just visiting that city and not spending time with someone special (i.e. that I appeared single on social media). He has trust issues (based on his past) and has said things like that before (about possibly being cheated on again) so I thought if anything a Valentine's post would reassure him (because it wasn't extremely detailed...other than we date and I love him. That's it). That's why I told him I'm not into playing this mental game and I'll talk to him in a few days when I've had time to process some things.

[milly007]

I haven't read all the posts on here, just your initial post, OP. However, in my opinion, although he doesn't like his personal life posted on FB, I think his reaction was an over-reaction. I just don't see the harm in someone (meaning you) wanting to celebrate your feelings and this relationship that you have with a man on FB by posting a sweet collage of the two of you.

 

I mean if your friends and family know you're together, what's the big deal?

 

Have you specifically asked him what he's worried about?

 

His reaction sounds over-the-top to me and makes me wonder why he wants to be so secretive.

 

I'd feel inclined to tell him that it seems, from your perspective, that he's hiding something.

 

Wondering if he can see it from your perspective?

[Hollyj]

There is only one reason to ever hide relationship status from the world and it's not being a private person.....

 

I agree...... Also, the fact that you have only seen one another a handful of times. Where does this go? Your relationship consists of seeing one another a few times a year? I do not get LDRs!

 

I would wonder why you are such a secret??????

[abitbroken]

He never said 'no pics', I just noticed he had a certain hesitancy on NYE (just a look, not words) and I quickly said never mind and just posted myself and well wishes for the new year and my location (which is the city he lives in). He then commented a couple of days later that my post looked like I was just visiting that city and not spending time with someone special (i.e. that I appeared single on social media). He has trust issues (based on his past) and has said things like that before (about possibly being cheated on again) so I thought if anything a Valentine's post would reassure him (because it wasn't extremely detailed...other than we date and I love him. That's it). That's why I told him I'm not into playing this mental game and I'll talk to him in a few days when I've had time to process some things.

 

You can't be serious??

 

If he didn't want his picture being up in a NYE post and him being tagged in it ---- you are looking at it as "oh, he only doesn't like NYE pics but that doesn't mean i can't post for other occasions.." that is very shortsighted!! That's like being on a date and you try to kiss them under a tree in the moonlight and they push you away and say "please don't do that" --- are you going to say "oh, they don't like kisses under trees...maybe i should try in a restaurant..." You aren't getting it.

 

I think why he reacted in a bigger way is that it was not over when you took it down -- he is getting friend requests from all sorts of nosey people and questions about the post after the fact.

 

I really think that you are very dependent on the attention and comments you get on social media and therefore that is why your logic is this way -- you just "need" the likes and comments. If you were physically with a friend and showed them pictures of the two of you on your phone, that would be a different story. it would fulfill your need to show off pictures but not be posted for the world to see.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It does seem odd that you are only 8 hrs drive apart, yet have only hung out 4 times in 1.5 yrs. Is one of you in university? Is there an issue with money or no car/driving? Perhaps living online and through social media is taking it's toll. It seems meeting up for intimacy 4 x in 1.5 years means it's a LDR, however it does not mean there's any future.

No we haven't seriously discussed that yet. We need to.

[mollymcdonald]

I have been with my partner for 10 years and he would untag himself from a pic I post of him on social media so don't feel bad. Some people just HATE having their personal info online and that's understandable. I can see why you might feel a little irked by his reaction but at least you know he is like that now. X

[hotcocoa954]

You can't be serious??

 

If he didn't want his picture being up in a NYE post and him being tagged in it ---- you are looking at it as "oh, he only doesn't like NYE pics but that doesn't mean i can't post for other occasions.." that is very shortsighted!! That's like being on a date and you try to kiss them under a tree in the moonlight and they push you away and say "please don't do that" --- are you going to say "oh, they don't like kisses under trees...maybe i should try in a restaurant..." You aren't getting it.

 

I think why he reacted in a bigger way is that it was not over when you took it down -- he is getting friend requests from all sorts of nosey people and questions about the post after the fact.

 

I really think that you are very dependent on the attention and comments you get on social media and therefore that is why your logic is this way -- you just "need" the likes and comments. If you were physically with a friend and showed them pictures of the two of you on your phone, that would be a different story. it would fulfill your need to show off pictures but not be posted for the world to see.

 

 

Nah. I have never posted my pics and stuff on social media before and have shown pictures to individual friends since last year. It was Valentine's Day, I was happy and wanted to share my happiness in that moment. I did not communicate to him that that was something I wanted to do (which was not something I seemed interested in doing prior to the New Year's Eve pic). Ultimately, he and I have different styles and have to figure out how to negotiate it. I feel I have the right to post sparingly about my relationship if I want to.

[hotcocoa954]

I have been with my partner for 10 years and he would untag himself from a pic I post of him on social media so don't feel bad. Some people just HATE having their personal info online and that's understandable. I can see why you might feel a little irked by his reaction but at least you know he is like that now. X

 

Thanks Molly. That actually gives me some comfort and I really pray that's all it is.

[hotcocoa954]

Agree. It does seem odd that you are only 8 hrs drive apart, yet have only hung out 4 times in 1.5 yrs. Is one of you in university? Is there an issue with money or no car/driving? Perhaps living online and through social media is taking it's toll. It seems meeting up for intimacy 4 x in 1.5 years means it's a LDR, however it does not mean there's any future.

 

Yeah distance is taking a toll on me. I can admit that. He's working on a doctorate degree and an educator. I'm also an educator and working on my 2nd master's degree this summer. He prefers flying but does have issues with money (for example, we were looking at flights for President's weekend, but he lives near a smaller airport which is more expensive and we couldn't find a flight for under $500). I on the other hand and better with money so I plan and decide how I'm going to use my money for travel. He hasn't shown himself to be that way (a planner and vigilant over his money).

[abitbroken]

Nah. I have never posted my pics and stuff on social media before and have shown pictures to individual friends since last year. It was Valentine's Day, I was happy and wanted to share my happiness in that moment. I did not communicate to him that that was something I wanted to do (which was not something I seemed interested in doing prior to the New Year's Eve pic). Ultimately, he and I have different styles and have to figure out how to negotiate it. I feel I have the right to post sparingly about my relationship if I want to.

 

So you share your happiness by calling up a girlfriend and talking about how wonderful he is. Or family.

You can share that you are happy with your internet friends, but as far as posting pictures of other people, you don't have a "right" to post their pictures if they don't want them posted.

I have a no post policy with my friends and family -- for the first year after my breakup i did not want any photos of me online because my abusive ex would find them (seriously, he would email me through business email which i then changed, or would mail printouts to a relative whose address he knew to pass to me and he would write his opinions about them. ) I continued that policy. My guy is wonderful and i could not be happier - but we are both the same way.