Secret vs. Private

[Batya33]

No, it's not quite like a celebrity crush that is one sided, but you're entitled to your opinion.

 

I didn't mean it that way and your response tells me even more that you're trying to evade the real issues here because at bottom your need to tell yourself you have a boyfriend who showed love on Valentines Day is more important than the reality of your interactions, the reality of the potential or the commitment.

 

If after all this time you still don't know, definitively the answers to abitbroken's questions like the back of your hand, that tells me you're not interested in changing the status quo - you benefit in some way from the way things are much more than you perceive the benefits of being in a real relationship. It's not one sided like a celebrity crush but what you posted is so far from the reality that that is why I used that example -especially on social media. It's fine to have the arrangement you have - just be very clear and honest with yourself because you're confusing the heck out of him - you've apparently been fine with the long distance arrangement for all this time where you've only seen each other 4 times and there are still not any solid plans for the future, let alone the long term -and then all of a sudden you're splashing his Valentines Day wishes all over social media as if you two are a serious couple and as if his message of love is based on a relationship where you know each other for a long time in person. He's not ready to make this public as a serious relationship. Because it's not. And yes he might be seeing other people or pursuing other people which would be jerky if he promised to be committed to only you but I don't think that's the whole reason he was upset.

[hotcocoa954]

I didn't mean it that way and your response tells me even more that you're trying to evade the real issues here because at bottom your need to tell yourself you have a boyfriend who showed love on Valentines Day is more important than the reality of your interactions, the reality of the potential or the commitment.

 

If after all this time you still don't know, definitively the answers to abitbroken's questions like the back of your hand, that tells me you're not interested in changing the status quo - you benefit in some way from the way things are much more than you perceive the benefits of being in a real relationship. It's not one sided like a celebrity crush but what you posted is so far from the reality that that is why I used that example -especially on social media. It's fine to have the arrangement you have - just be very clear and honest with yourself because you're confusing the heck out of him - you've apparently been fine with the long distance arrangement for all this time where you've only seen each other 4 times and there are still not any solid plans for the future, let alone the long term -and then all of a sudden you're splashing his Valentines Day wishes all over social media as if you two are a serious couple and as if his message of love is based on a relationship where you know each other for a long time in person. He's not ready to make this public as a serious relationship. Because it's not. And yes he might be seeing other people or pursuing other people which would be jerky if he promised to be committed to only you but I don't think that's the whole reason he was upset.

 

Again that is your perception. 1 post on this site does not reveal the sum total of the relationship.

[Batya33]

Again that is your perception. 1 post on this site does not reveal the sum total of the relationship.

 

No, but multiple posts do tend to suggest plus your actions in posting on social media - and certainly you have your own perceptions. Common sense -people move towards pleasure and away from pain. Perception -if you truly wanted a long term relationship with this person my strong opinion is you would already have had this conversation a long time ago and be sure of his responses. You're flaunting it on your social media page as if he is your serious boyfriend but in reality you have no idea, after all this time whether he has serious long term intentions about you and what his plan is to make the long term happen? My perception - defies common sense, consistent with someone who wants to proclaim to everyone that she is part of a couple but is content to have a mostly fantasy arrangement. JMHO of course!

[hotcocoa954]

No, but multiple posts do tend to suggest plus your actions in posting on social media - and certainly you have your own perceptions. Common sense -people move towards pleasure and away from pain. Perception -if you truly wanted a long term relationship with this person my strong opinion is you would already have had this conversation a long time ago and be sure of his responses. You're flaunting it on your social media page as if he is your serious boyfriend but in reality you have no idea, after all this time whether he has serious long term intentions about you and what his plan is to make the long term happen? My perception - defies common sense, consistent with someone who wants to proclaim to everyone that she is part of a couple but is content to have a mostly fantasy arrangement. JMHO of course!

 

Thanks for sharing.

[katrina1980]

I would like to say something on behalf on hotcocoa (I hope you don't mind HC) as a few posters have mentioned how she and her boyfriend have only seen each other four times in the span of 1.5 years.

 

That may not sound like a lot, BUT didn't you post HC that you spent an entire week together each of those four times?

 

That's quite a bit of time, and spending a week straight together, day in and day out, is a lot of togetherness!

 

Four times they've done this, so I think merely saying they've had four dates in 1.5 years is really missing the mark!

 

HC, I acknowledge the connection you and your bf have despite the distance.

 

The love is there obviously! It's REAL, not a fantasy, and don't quite get how some others could surmise that it is, for you.

 

I think it's quite common, after having a LDR for some time, one or both wishes to close the gap.

 

Which it sounds like what you are needing now. There is NOTHING wrong with that, it doesn't mean you were confusing him or misleading him.

 

The RL has come to the point where you want and need more, that's all.

 

If this isn't possible, at least for a long while, perhaps you need to re-think the RL.

 

But imo you have done nothing "wrong." I don't think even what you posted on social media was all that egregious and I think his reaction was way over the top!

 

But that's his issue. You know in your heart what the truth is, what your motivations were for posting it, don't lose sight of that!

 

Best of luck in whatever you ultimately decide to do.

[Darlington]

I would like to say something on behalf on hotcocoa (I hope you don't mind HC) as a few posters have mentioned how she and her boyfriend have only seen each other four times in the span of 1.5 years.

 

That may not sound like a lot, BUT didn't you post HC that you spent an entire week together each of those four times?

 

That's quite a bit of time, and spending a week straight together, day in and day out, is a lot of togetherness!

 

Four times they've done this, so I think merely saying they've had four dates in 1.5 years is really missing the mark!

 

HC, I acknowledge the connection you and your bf have despite the distance.

 

The love is there obviously! It's REAL, not a fantasy, and don't quite get how some others could surmise that it is, for you.

 

I think it's quite common, after having a LDR for some time, one or both wishes to close the gap.

 

Which it sounds like what you are needing now. There is NOTHING wrong with that, it doesn't mean you were confusing him or misleading him.

 

The RL has come to the point where you want and need more, that's all.

 

If this isn't possible, at least for a long while, perhaps you need to re-think the RL.

 

But imo you have done nothing "wrong." I don't think even what you posted on social media was all that egregious and I think his reaction was way over the top!

 

But that's his issue. You know in your heart what the truth is, what your motivations were for posting it, don't lose sight of that!

 

Best of luck in whatever you ultimately decide to do.

 

 

I like this a lot and completely agree with Katrina. HC you have done nothing wrong, he overreacted (most likely) because he's hiding something. I have a friend who's going through exactly the same thing (LDR)..and her guy is as shady as yours sounds (sorry). You should be with someone who wants to scream from the rooftop about you....

 

An ex of mine hid me, didn't introduce me to key members of his family/friends, no sign of us on SM...we were together for a few years..when we broke up and he met the next GF he updated the FB profile pic with them toghether almost immediately and introduced her to his family and friends very quickly (there were pics of them at parties with his family/friends on SM). He did none of this with me and always wanted to keep "our private business to ourselves". It was hurtful at the time but it also made me realise I never wanted to be someone secret again.

 

I think you've explained the issue pretty well, it's ashame that some posters are too quick to judge and criticise you rather than take the time to give constrictive feedback.

[katrina1980]

He may not even be hiding anything, necessarily. He may be but I don't really see any indication of that.

 

He may simply be over-sensitive about his privacy and/or the fact she didn't seek his "permission" first.

[Darlington]

At first yes...but the more information OP has provided about his reaction, response to her view point and previous comments he's made and other activity on FB...when I add all this up....I smell fish. Something is fishy about this.

 

Of course, I could be wrong and I hope I am.

[Batya33]

Again that is your perception. 1 post on this site does not reveal the sum total of the relationship.

 

I didn't say it did -just commenting on your choice not to find out whether it has long term potential given the length of time you say you've been dating him and apparently exclusive -and then your mentioning of the potential -or lack thereof -for engagement. No comment on the sum total of the relationship or even "the relationship". I wrote it was my perception, a few times now.

 

My perception about his choices -understandably upset that you violated his privacy and it also reflects based on his extreme reaction, that he doesn't see you two as a serious couple. IMHO. I would move on if I were you.

[hotcocoa954]

Thank you so much Katrina for your kind, thoughtful, non judgemental and helpful response!

[katrina1980]

At first yes...but the more information OP has provided about his reaction, response to her view point and previous comments he's made and other activity on FB...when I add all this up....I smell fish. Something is fishy about this.

 

Of course, I could be wrong and I hope I am.

 

I guess the reason why I question if he’s hiding something is because he spends entire weeks with HC whenever she visits.

 

That and the fact they talk every day/night.

 

If a man were hiding something, like another woman, where is she during these one-week visits? And every night when he and HC speak?

 

I could be wrong, I admit I have not read each and every post; I could have missed something.

 

Mostly I just think he’s paranoid/overly-sensitive about his privacy/social media; I can sort of relate however I would never blow a gasket like he did.

 

While I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, I would appreciate the intention behind the action and explain that going forward, I'm not comfortable with it.

[hotcocoa954]

Thank you for sharing your experience Darlington. I really appreciate it and you've given me a lot to consider.

[hotcocoa954]

I guess the reason why I question if he’s hiding something is because he spends entire weeks with HC whenever she visits.

 

That and the fact they talk every day/night.

 

If a man were hiding something, like another woman, where is she during these one-week visits? And every night when he and HC speak?

 

I could be wrong, I admit I have not read each and every post; I could have missed something.

 

Mostly I just think he’s paranoid/overly-sensitive about his privacy/social media; I can sort of relate however I would never blow a gasket like he did.

 

While I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, I would appreciate the intention behind the action and explain that going forward, I'm not comfortable with it.

 

You're actually right on target. He's an extremely sensitive person in general. I think he overreacted but I did know how sensitive he is and didn't think about that.

[Batya33]

Hotcocoa -I expressed an opinion and did not mean to be judgmental - I am not judging your decision to date this person or judging your decision to post about him on social media - you asked peoples' opinions. I gave mine.. I do sense that you want to hear what you want to hear both about your choices to post the information on social media as well as wanting validation of your relationship with him and its future potential. I do think you are being judgmental to an extent about his preferences with respect to social media since obviously they are not compatible with your own.

[katrina1980]

You're actually right on target. He's an extremely sensitive person in general. I think he overreacted but I did know how sensitive he is and didn't think about that.

 

Okay so you made a mistake, we all have. I have and I bet every person on this board has.

 

I still think it's important to stay true to your own motivations for why you did it, and avoid all the negative judgments, including HIS.

 

You apologized, he needs to be able to accept that and move on from it.

 

Does he have a habit of over-reacting in other situations? Did you see any evidence of that during your visits?

 

That's one drawback to long distance. When you do get together, you're both on your best behavior and often don't see red flags like this.

 

I don't think he's hiding anything but his over-reaction is certainly telling and something to keep a watch out for if you choose to continue dating him.

[boltnrun]

I don't think 4 weeks over a total of 76 weeks is spending that significant of an amount of time together in person (sorry if my math is off, I am not a math whiz).

 

But, if this was previously working for the both of you then it's not really an issue.

 

OP, has the plan on your part to try to spend more time together in person relatively soon? Or was this situation going to continue indefinitely?

 

Anyway, as far as the social media posting it's just a matter of a difference of opinion between you and this man IMO. I see his side because he's like me...I don't want my private life on social media and I don't understand those do. But again, that is just my preference and is not right or wrong.

 

Oops, it's 78 weeks...told ya I am not a math whiz!

[kamurj]

OP this is a public forum, if you ask for advice you have to be ready to hear it. You don't get to pick and choose who and when replied to it.