Secret vs. Private

[DancingFool]

We've spoken. I don't really know...1 pic doesn't equal posting all over the internet but apparently to him it does. So I don't plan on ever mentioning or posting him again.

 

Sorry but that's not a solution to the deeper problem of him hiding your existence, of not spending face to face time more often than just 4 times in a span of 1.5 years. Don't stick your head in the sand and pretend all is right. Make certain.

[hotcocoa954]

Sorry but that's not a solution to the deeper problem of him hiding your existence, of not spending face to face time more often than just 4 times in a span of 1.5 years. Don't stick your head in the sand and pretend all is right. Make certain.

 

I'm not burying my head in the sand. We definitely have a problem. I'm just being honest that I don't know if this a deal breaker or not. It has added to the bigger issue of being in an LDR where we barely see each other.

[tattoobunnie]

Well, it's more than just social media! It's being introduced to family and friends and becoming an integral part of eachother's lives. A person can say I love you all they want, but proof is in the pudding by doing things that make the relationship grow and strengthen. Don't be sad. I could never date or marry some guy that sweated over something I found to be small. I've had people do crazy stuff, and I don't lose it. Or someone professing their love for them. To me, if my hubby couldn't say I love you to me in front of others, I couldn't be with them. I say I love you to my children all the time in public. People who post about themselves and their friends, but never could about me, not my cup of tea.

[DaisyMayPorter]

""Happy Valentine's Day. I love you and our moments together"." is a private message, not a public status report. For the life of me, I do not see why people can't just say loving things directly to their loved ones and not make it a public Look At Me event.

 

Agree! I know so many people write it to each other back-and-forth to each other on Facebook. Like seriously, you live in the same house, just call each other or say it to each other’s face!

[boltnrun]

Agree! I know so many people write it to each other back-and-forth to each other on Facebook. Like seriously, you live in the same house, just call each other or say it to each other’s face!

 

They want people to "like" and comment.

 

Some people believe there's no point to being in a relationship if you can't brag about it.

[itsallgrand]

I'm not burying my head in the sand. We definitely have a problem. I'm just being honest that I don't know if this a deal breaker or not. It has added to the bigger issue of being in an LDR where we barely see each other.

 

Have you decided what you want to do?

 

Are you two speaking as of now?

[hotcocoa954]

Have you decided what you want to do?

 

Are you two speaking as of now?

 

We've been speaking since Saturday. He expressed his view and I expressed mine. There was a situation in January where I posted about having a great start to the new year and spending time with an amazing person and he commented under that with details revealing that it was him. He said he prefers that type of a post because it gave him the option to comment or not. He said just posting a pic of us doesn't give him that same option.

 

I don't completely buy it, but because it's an LDR, for now, we need to focus on changing the fact that we don't really see each other and are not that integrated in each other's lives enough (even though we talk everyday). This incident made me realize that my main issue is that we're so far apart with no real plans to close the distance. Plus, I know I'm not interested in relocating for a boyfriend, but seeing each other 4 times in 18-months isn't exactly leading to an engagement. So, I'm still processing what I think about it all (if he's hiding something and if I want to take the risk of finding out something later on and possibly being hurt). I've never suspected anything until now.

[itsallgrand]

That's good. It's good to reassess every once in a while and make sure you are going in the direction you want to be. And if you want to continue trying to move forward with him.

[Batya33]

Have you considered a background check? Also I'd reevaluate whether you want to continue a committed arrangement given how little you see each other.

[hotcocoa954]

Have you considered a background check? Also I'd reevaluate whether you want to continue a committed arrangement given how little you see each other.

 

I have relatives who work for the sheriff's office so they've done some snooping of their own. Like I said, before the FB situation I didn't have any suspicions. As far as how often we see each other, that is a problem. We'll talk about it and if he's not willing to change the frequency then I will proceed from there.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you sound more invested than he is. He thinks of it as long distance dating but you want engagement?

I know I'm not interested in relocating for a boyfriend, but seeing each other 4 times in 18-months isn't exactly leading to an engagement.

[Batya33]

I have relatives who work for the sheriff's office so they've done some snooping of their own. Like I said, before the FB situation I didn't have any suspicions. As far as how often we see each other, that is a problem. We'll talk about it and if he's not willing to change the frequency then I will proceed from there.

 

What have you discussed over the past year concerning getting to know each other in person?

[hotcocoa954]

Unfortunately you sound more invested than he is. He thinks of it as long distance dating but you want engagement?

I didn't say I want an engagement right now. We're not there. But given the infrequency of us meeting and the distance, I said that's not exactly leading to engagement.

[hotcocoa954]

What have you discussed over the past year concerning getting to know each other in person?

 

He's working on his doctorate so he won't be done until next year. He will not be relocating before then.

[Batya33]

He's working on his doctorate so he won't be done until next year. He will not be relocating before then.

 

Yes- but have you discussed how to see each other more in person and what are his intentions on that?

[katrina1980]

I didn't say I want an engagement right now. We're not there.

 

But given the infrequency of us meeting and the distance, I said that's not exactly leading to engagement.

 

I know a couple, who actually met on a forum like this, who lived across the world from each other.

 

For an entire year (may have been longer) their communications were limited to email, phone and skype.

 

**They fell in love without laying one eye on each other in person.**

 

After a year, she relocated to his (southern Cali which is where I live).

 

She took a taxi from the airport to his condo, and when he opened the door, she jumped into his arms, and they've been together ever since.

 

They got married around three years ago, last I talked to her, they are both ecstatically happy!

[hotcocoa954]

Yes- but have you discussed how to see each other more in person and what are his intentions on that?

 

Earlier in the thread I already stated that we need to talk about that and if it's not something he is willing to do then I will proceed from there.

[hotcocoa954]

I know a couple, who actually met on a forum like this, who lived across the world from each other.

 

For an entire year (may have been longer) their communications were limited to email, phone and skype.

 

**They fell in love without laying one eye on each other in person.**

 

After a year, she relocated to his (southern Cali which is where I live).

 

She took a taxi from the airport to his condo, and when he opened the door, she jumped into his arms, and they've been together ever since.

 

They got married around three years ago, last I talked to her, they are both ecstatically happy!

 

Awww thanks for sharing that story. It is possible to be in love in an LDR...it just sucks at the same time. I don't like to be vulnerable but I have to do a better job of expressing that if we don't see each other more often, this isn't going to work for me.

[Batya33]

Earlier in the thread I already stated that we need to talk about that and if it's not something he is willing to do then I will proceed from there.

 

OK so here's my take. If you've gone on for this long without having that conversation then you have to be very honest with yourself as to whether you like this relationship the way it is - it's exciting, you feel "in love", and you don't have to do the work of a real relationship because you've only spent time with him 4 times in a really long period of time. Ask yourself if this is more to your liking - it's a relationship made up mostly of fantasy, you get to post about it on Facebook for your friends to see and you don't have to deal with the nitty gritty.

 

Of course you can feel in love. You can feel in love at first or second sight, too. Doesn't mean it's the kind of relationship that has long term potential.

 

I was LDR with my husband for the better part of 2-3 years when we were dating and engaged and even when we were married. But we knew each other from before and saw each other every 11-14 days when we lived far apart. When we lived in the same place we saw each other almost every day. I do get the challenges of an LDR (and I only agreed because we'd date in the past, discussed our intentions and marriage goals before reconnecting, and could see each other that often).

[hotcocoa954]

OK so here's my take. If you've gone on for this long without having that conversation then you have to be very honest with yourself as to whether you like this relationship the way it is - it's exciting, you feel "in love", and you don't have to do the work of a real relationship because you've only spent time with him 4 times in a really long period of time. Ask yourself if this is more to your liking - it's a relationship made up mostly of fantasy, you get to post about it on Facebook for your friends to see and you don't have to deal with the nitty gritty.

 

Of course you can feel in love. You can feel in love at first or second sight, too. Doesn't mean it's the kind of relationship that has long term potential.

 

I was LDR with my husband for the better part of 2-3 years when we were dating and engaged and even when we were married. But we knew each other from before and saw each other every 11-14 days when we lived far apart. When we lived in the same place we saw each other almost every day. I do get the challenges of an LDR (and I only agreed because we'd date in the past, discussed our intentions and marriage goals before reconnecting, and could see each other that often).

 

Thank you for sharing. I think he's cool with how things are and I was but now I'm not. I have to communicate that and it's hard for me, but I have to do it.

[Batya33]

Thank you for sharing. I think he's cool with how things are and I was but now I'm not. I have to communicate that and it's hard for me, but I have to do it.

 

So it sounds like you were comfortable with a relationship where you only saw each other in person very rarely. That might be why he was surprised at how you wanted to publicize things -maybe to him, since you liked things to be at the distance they were -geographically and emotionally (because you really do have to get to know a person in person to have a romantic relationship IMO) - he was confused as to why you'd put it on social media. It's kind of like a teenager posting about her celebrity crush and how she met him once and she kissed him on the cheek and now they were BFF/meant to be.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for sharing. I think he's cool with how things are and I was but now I'm not. I have to communicate that and it's hard for me, but I have to do it.

 

What will you want to accomplish by saying "i'm not happy. its hard"

 

Will you

1) be prepared to break up? and find someone nearby?

2) be prepared to visit him more often and he visits when he can but a little less due to his demanding school schedule?

3) look at how you can close the distance gap in a year and just focus on the means to the end?

4) plan your next visit together?

 

Just saying "its hard for me" thinking it is fine, but when you say that, what is he/you expected to do about it. Some people are the type - and more men than women - where if someone says "this is a problem" their thought process is "how are you going to fix your feeling?"

[hotcocoa954]

So it sounds like you were comfortable with a relationship where you only saw each other in person very rarely. That might be why he was surprised at how you wanted to publicize things -maybe to him, since you liked things to be at the distance they were -geographically and emotionally (because you really do have to get to know a person in person to have a romantic relationship IMO) - he was confused as to why you'd put it on social media. It's kind of like a teenager posting about her celebrity crush and how she met him once and she kissed him on the cheek and now they were BFF/meant to be.

 

No, it's not quite like a celebrity crush that is one sided, but you're entitled to your opinion.

[hotcocoa954]

What will you want to accomplish by saying "i'm not happy. its hard"

 

Will you

1) be prepared to break up? and find someone nearby?

2) be prepared to visit him more often and he visits when he can but a little less due to his demanding school schedule?

3) look at how you can close the distance gap in a year and just focus on the means to the end?

4) plan your next visit together?

 

Just saying "its hard for me" thinking it is fine, but when you say that, what is he/you expected to do about it. Some people are the type - and more men than women - where if someone says "this is a problem" their thought process is "how are you going to fix your feeling?"

 

I will figure out how I want to proceed. Thanks for your opinion.

[Tryingit]

I think you went balls to the walls by making your first post about him a valentine “lookie who loves me!” post, which he did not approve. It’s a classic girl move (I’m a girl). It’s transparently self serving & insecure. You were trying to, implicitly, 1) show off to people that you gots a man; 2) show off to people that you are loved on vday; and 3) test him and hope for public love validation. He probably felt repelled by all this but admittedly reacted in a very overtly hurtful and rejecting way.

 

So, it’s just a bad sign all around for the relationship. You clearly feel insecure and he’s clearly not ready to shout to the world that he’s a man in love (for whatever reason). You took a risk and risks sometimes backfire. You saw something you never meant to see.