Long commutes make me lonely & isolated. But Wife won't move. It's tearing us apart.

[Gaz78]

Hello all. I am new to this site, and I was hoping someone might be able to help with a bit of advice.

 

It feels like our twelve-year marriage could be on the verge of breaking down, and I want to try everything I can to save it.

 

Things have put a strain on our relationship over recent years ... kids, money worries, the usual ... and we are not as close as we used to be, although we can still laugh and enjoy each other's company at times.

 

The big problem though, is that I desperately want to move closer to my work and family, and she doesn't want to. This problem is hanging over our marriage, and gnawing away at it.

 

We currently live close to her family in a part pf the world with which I have little connection or affinity. Over the years, changes in my job mean that I now spend a lot of my time working 50 miles away. In rush hour, that can mean a two-and-a-half hour drive each way. The commute is having an effect on my health and exhausting me. It also means that some weeks, the only contact I have with the children is on days my wife works, and I have to rush them into Breakfast Club at School before dashing off for the commute .. not exactly quality time!

 

But more than that - I am desperately lonely. I don't know this area very well, and have no friends or family already here. The only way for me to get a social group locally would be to go out and actively make some friends .. but that is easier said than done. I can't go out and make new friends, because I am so rarely here (leaving home at 7am and often not back until 9pm or later), and I can never predict when I will be back.

 

I could make friends in the city where I work, but I am usually so desperate to get back home at a reasonable hour that I leave as soon as work finishes. And besides, I am now at management level and many colleagues are a lot younger than me. They are lovely, but I think we exist on different planets!

 

Basically, much of my non-working time is spent in a traffic jam.

 

I don't feel I have anyone to talk to, or anyone to socialise with. Apart from going to the occasional football match with my Dad, I have only been out to socialise with friends twice in the last year. In both cases this was when I was staying for a couple of weeks in London with work, and caught up with some old college friends.

 

I feel utterly isolated and desperately sad. I am certain this - combined with my tiredness - makes me unpleasant to live with. I worry that my kids pick up on it.

 

To me, the only solution is that we move somewhere closer to my work, and make a fresh start. Ideally I would like to live and work in the same city - but I know my wife would never countenance that, so I would settle for somewhere twenty miles or so closer.

 

But whenever I talk about this, my wife can't look me in the eye. She tells me she accepts we will probably have to move because of my "issues", but she makes it very clear that she (and the children) are very settled and happy here and that this is all on me. She tells me that she thinks she will be lonely wherever we move (we currently live very close to her mother and sister). We have looked at different possible areas, but never with any great enthusiasm on her part. It feels like she resents me for all of this.

 

She says that she doesn't think our relationship is strong enough to deal with the pressures of a move. But I believe that the pressures will be on it until we move.

 

Has anyone else been through something like this before? Does anyone have any advice?

 

Thanks

[DanZee]

Well, you do have to put this in perspective. A lot of people are doing 50+ mile commutes. We have people working in Boston that are actually driving from Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island and Connecticut. They do it because they wanted better lives for their kids in good suburban school systems. Your wife has the added advantage of being near her parents. You're not happy so you want to disrupt the wife and kids so you'll have a closer commute. I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one.

 

Are there things you can do to cut your commuting time? When I was doing 90-minute commutes during rush hour, I found I could cut that down to 45-minute commutes by leaving the house an hour early and by staying at work an hour later. For example, at 6 am, the roads into Boston are quite quick-moving. By 7 am, they're jammed. Likewise at 6 pm, the roads are jammed, by 7 pm, they're moving fast again. Why spend that time sitting in traffic when you could be at work reading the morning newspaper, sipping some coffee, or starting your work early? It'll take the stress out of your life and your wife can handle the kids until you get home. You should think about it. And it may solve your other problems of being tense and angry.

[Batya33]

Question -does your wife's family help with child care and if so, if you moved closer would you need to hire people to help your wife? Consider that. Also is it possible to use public transportation so you can sleep or get work done during the commute?

(We live where my husband's commute is reasonable and mine is too -when we've thought about moving out to the burbs he says he'd never want that kind of commute so I see your side of things! I am happy in the city and wonder whether burbs are better for raising a child).

[melancholy123]

Is your job such that you could work from home if you work on a computer? That could really help, if it's possible. Or could you work longer hours per day but just for 3 or 4 days a week so you have 1-2 extra days off? I dont envy you at all. I dont agree that a big commute is good for a family life. My dad worked shifts which is different from you but it meant I never saw him 2 weeks out of the month due to his wacky hours. Your wife needs to compromise at least a bit.

[Hollyj]

Have you looked for another job?

[indea08]

I cannot imagine asking, let alone expecting, my husband to drive two and a half hours to work. I think your wife is being incredibly selfish. Depending on whether or not your children actually do have reservations about moving, your post gave me the impression that she's using them as pawns to further support her selfishness.

 

Granted, we are from a small town, still live in said small town, and I drive an hour to work. Perhaps things are different when you live near a large city, but regardless, you're clearly unhappy and life is too short to just continue as is. It seems you have two viable options: move closer to your work, or get a new job. Have you had the honest conversation with your wife, illustrating the extent of your unhappiness, the possibility of ending the marriage, finding a new job, etc? If not, it's time to. If you have, and your wife still can't compromise, I'm afraid there's not much else you can do but walk away.

 

Im so sorry you're at this point. I cannot imagine....

[Gaz78]

Thanks for all of your responses.

 

@DanZee ... maybe there are cultural differences, but a five-hour round commute is considered very long here in the UK. Basically, I am out of the home for 15 hours per day which I don't think is very healthy. You mention people doing this sort of commute, and longer in Boston. I don't know that area, but I assume they do this so they can live in better neighbourhoods and afford a bit more house for their money, while keeping the "city" salary? The funny thing is, there are any number of very similar towns and villages closer to my work, with a similar standard of living and similar (or in some cases more attainable) property values.

Thanks for the commuting tip. It is something to consider ... the problem is, on three mornings per-week, my wife starts work very early (she has to leave the house at 4am) and local childcare options don't start until 7:30am, so I can't really leave any earlier on those days. And I can't leave any later because my work is time-sensitive: I have to be in the office for a certain time. Leaving the office a bit later in the evening might work though. But sadly none offer the chance to tackle the loneliness problem.

 

@Batya33 ... thanks for those thoughts. My wife's family aren't involved in childcare on a regular basis. They do step in to help occasionally for things like parent's evenings or if I have to travel away with work .. but this is only once or twice a year, maximum.

I would love to take the train into work (and sometimes I do), but the connections are pretty poor where we live. It takes about two hours door-to-door, and they only run once an hour, which means that I would have to leave even earlier in the morning and be back later at night. Also because of my wife's early starts, that isn't an option on three days of the week.

 

@melancholy123 ... these are great ideas, but sadly my job is a strange one. There are no opportunities to rearrange my hours in that way ... each person works to a daily deadline. On certain days, I am able to work from home .. and I do take advantage of that when I can. But chances to do this are unpredictable and irregular, and the vast majority of days, I have to be at base at 09:15.

 

@Hollyj ... thanks for responding. I have thought a lot about getting another job, and I will continue to look out for one, but there are no opportunities in my industry in the area I live. I could be brave and change careers (again, I have given it a lot of thought), but at 40 years old with a mortgage to pay, I would be nervous about the big pay cut that would involve.

[Gaz78]

Thanks Indea08 ... just seen your reply.

 

The children are very young (8, 6 and 2), so while the older two would certainly be sad about moving away, I think they are just about young enough to cope without too much disruption.

 

We have had long conversations about this. My wife says that if I can find a house that we can afford, in a decent area, she will move. But at the same time, she makes it clear that she wouldn't be at all happy about this. I really don't want it to be me imposing a move from above.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[itsallgrand]

Does your wife work full time as well and is her job more easily transferable/flexible?

[itsallgrand]

Also I can't really imagine expecting my partner to do this. It's a fast track to a grave, lonely, and the kids will miss out on knowing their dad as much as dad will miss out on knowing them.

 

I have to wonder with money being tight, and the youngest being two, was it a planned pregnancy ?

 

In any case, just me personally, I'd be looking at giving up the finer material things and add ins in exchange for the family to be together. That could mean all kinds of things depending but a dad being away all the time like this?! I'm not sure what your wife's priorities are?

[1a1a]

When I was 16 my dad lost his full time job and I actually got to know him because he had time to be present in the house and not exhausted, retreated to his room and sleep.

 

A five hour round commute is ludicrous, and lonely making. But if you stay in the same location, and the same job, staying back in work city to do social things say one or two nights a week might be a good way to make the most of a bad situation.

 

Or, can you drop to permanent part time? Would your wife support you in that? Could you afford to do that? What happens if you sit her down in a calm mood on a good day and state that the commute is untenable, and spending such a large percentage of your life at work and in traffic is making you feel lonely and isolated, you can't do it any longer, would she be willing to brain storm ways to improve the situation? That way she can give input as well. How she engages with this will tell you a lot about whether she is willing to work with you and support you. It could turn out that you have mutually exclusive needs though, in which case ones happiness will always come at the expense of the others and breaking up is really the wisest option.

[Batya33]

OK. To me time is money. Time is also mental health in your case -and in many peoples' cases. So, what I would do is move closer to your job to a smaller space and part of the compromise is that you make sure to have your wife and children see the family regularly. You can pay for them to take car service and meet halfway, for example, or you can drive your wife there on a weekend day, like that. Also explain that the extra time will give you more time to help out at home. That should be part of it as well.

[annie24]

I think 5 hours a day commuting is really unreasonable!!! I think it totally makes sense for you to live closer to your work, or at least have the option for working from home some days. I'm glad that she said she is willing to move. I think it will be much better for both of you and for your kids to see you more!

[Snny]

Im in this situation too. I drive 70 miles to work round trip per day. I drive the opposite of traffic, but am very concerned about the wear and tear on my vehicles. The area I work in is not so very nice and has a crime rate.

 

I don't want to leave my home either because I live in a beach town with a very nice neighborhood. It also has an excellent school system, less than an hour away from the city subway, and is a half hour closer to my family (who live in a separate state). My landlord offered to sell the house we are renting, but it's very small. Hubs wants a bigger house, and we could get a cheaper home closer to my job. I also have to think about childcare too as my baby is due in August.

 

I don't know...

 

Sorry, don't mean to derail this thread. I just relate to it.