Who is right? Dispute about health and travel

[catfeeder]

If Mom is willing to care for baby next few days, I'd kiss and make up with husband, check into a hotel for at least a day and night, and get whatever sleep I can in that room. Then come back, meet and greet sister over a nice meal (take out or go out), explain my health issue and offer that I'm not trying to avoid her but rather baby-duty. Then I'd either go back to the hotel or find a quiet place in the home to rest.

 

This avoids leaving husband in charge of childcare while he's trying to host sister, it keeps you in the picture when possible and on the periphery otherwise, and it keeps baby safe and comfortable with Mom.

[superfan]

Wow.....just.....wow. I can't believe some of the responses here.

 

Having a baby is sleep depriving enough without having severe insomnia on top of that.

 

OP, I can't even begin to fully understand what you are going through. When I first had my daughter I was sleep deprived due to breastfeeding for a solid month. I went through everything you are describing - nights where I didn't sleep at all, days where I was so tired I wasn't sure I could safely lift my baby or attempt a flight of stares. By the end of the month I was bawling my eyes out constantly and suffering daily migraines and illness. I couldn't keep going the way that I did and even though all the breastfeeding consultants had told us not to introduce a bottle before 6 weeks, we did so anyway with milk I had pumped so that I could sleep.

 

My husband and I then took turns using pumped milk in order for me to recover. It was the absolute worst month of my life and I absolutely cannot imagine going through that for a solid year and maintaining any sanity. Kudos to you for managing as long as you have and shame on your husband and anybody else who has suggested that your health should not be your absolute #1 priority right now.

 

When you are that tired and that sick you CANNOT be an effective parent. You are not doing yourself, your husband or your child ANY favours by continuing this way. Something HAS to give.

 

Will going to your mom's to try to sleep help? Maybe, maybe not, but of you think it is something you need or that it will provide even an ounce of relief you NEED to do that and your husband is being a total jerk for not supporting that.

 

I get that his sister's visit is important, but NO vacation is as important as your health and mental well being. A simple explanation of what has been going on to the sister should be good enough to explain why you aren't there. As for why it has to be now, you explained that this was the only time you could get the time off, yes? If so, then your husband needs to suck it up.

 

I do think that going for a sleep study and/or maintaining a discussion with your doctor is a good ideas as even if this does help, it might not be a permanent fix.

 

Even if it isn't, YOU NEED A BREAK.

 

YOU NEED A BREAK

 

YOU NEED A BREAK

 

You are NOT selfish for needing time off from your child after all you have gone through

 

Your husband is your child's father. He is perfectly capable of parenting on his own and if he isn't, it's a good time to learn. There's no excuse for a father not being able to take care of his child just as well as a mother is. Too many women assume their husband's aren't capable and become trapped by that.

 

Make him step up.

 

Don't ask permission, TELL him you are going. Your mental and physical health are not less important just because you have a child.

 

And for those who seem to think it is, women are not baby factories who exist solely to martyr themselves to the cause of motherhood. Fathers have a role too and mental health matters.

[superfan]

You know what --- don't go to your mom's house. Yes, i would be upset if I were in his shoes "going home to mother" usually means a separation. You need to work this out as a married couple. I agree with him - if you had insomnia for a year - bailing when the sister is coming is not cool, especially if she has planned this for months.

 

Going to visit your mother is only a separation if the couple has decided to....y'know...separate. Otherwise it is for whatever reasons stated by the people involved. And the OP explained in her post that the reason she is doing it now is because she has exhausted every resource and this is the only time she could get off.

 

I would a) ask husband if its possible to explain that you have been sick and have not been able to sleep much to prep her that you won't be at your best. And let if fall in the sister's hands whether she wants to visit now or another time, if she can even change her plans and cut it short by a day or two. But then again, what will your excuse be next time? b) let the sister come as planned and just do your best. Maybe ask the husband that he choose a day or two during the week for him to take her sightseeing to give you a chance to rest.

 

I would cut out absolutely all caffeine and make sure your sleep hygiene is good - no smartphone when you can't sleep and all devices turned off 2 hours before bed.

 

She's not making excuses, she is seriously mentally and physically ill. She has likely tried everything suggested and more. Her health is the priority here above all else.

[superfan]

I think you need to go back to your doctor and ask for a sleep test in an over-night facility. I sympathize with you but I can also empathize with your husband as I'm sure he doesn't want to be responsible for entertaining his sister alone nor would he want to have to have 100% responsibility for the baby for a whole week.

 

Does your sister in law know that you aren't well? Perhaps if you stay at home, she can look after your baby for the most part with the help of your husband and hopefully you'd be able to get some sleep even if its during the day for a few hours.

 

I really think you should be seeing a therapist as well as being observed in a sleep lab because you sound as if you're suffering from postpartum depression.

 

I hope you can compromise here and find something that will satisfy both you and your husband. Good luck.

 

Father's are just as capable of taking care of their children full time as mothers. He will have his sister there to help him. A sleep study is a good idea, but she needs a break. Her husband needs to suck it up and be supportive.

[Hollyj]

Father's are just as capable of taking care of their children full time as mothers. He will have his sister there to help him. A sleep study is a good idea, but she needs a break. Her husband needs to suck it up and be supportive.

 

I agree. Why isn't he able to take care of his own kid??? Plus, the sister will be there.

[j.man]

Who's saying he isn't? Or that he doesn't? I think we're assuming dude's been kicking back Miller Lites despite the fact they both seem to be on the same boat as far as working while the kid's in daycare and coming home to take care of the child. I think it's very reasonable to not want to be stuck with solo parent duty the odd moment his sister's in town and to also want the baby to be around for his aunt to meet.

 

And, fact is, if you're having to crawl up steps, that's not a "go to mom's for a good night's rest" moment. That's check your ass into the hospital.

 

Regardless, I think DF's previous suggestion might be the best solution any party can hope for here. It's obvious if she sticks around for the week, she'll hate the guy for it. I do think the guy's a bit dense in that regard. No point in him pressing to keep her around if she's likely going to be intolerable. I'd try to negotiate it where you stick around with the kid a couple days to greet his sister and then take the kid to mom's. Again, OP, you know what you physically need, and if you genuinely know you need this, there was zero reason in the world to ask us for an opinion. Just do it. Give him the option of leaving the kid or taking the kid with.

[Batya33]

Father's are just as capable of taking care of their children full time as mothers. He will have his sister there to help him. A sleep study is a good idea, but she needs a break. Her husband needs to suck it up and be supportive.

 

Or she could hire a mother's helper and take the baby with her - so the mother's helper would come a few hours a day to help (grandmother) take care of the baby. Infants require specialized care and I wouldn't want a stranger to the baby helping with that care even though she's family (and also she's a guest). I wouldn't know if she's vaccinated, etc or familiar with infant cpr (if husband plans to leave her alone with the baby). Dad is perfectly capable depending on the nursing arrangements but likely not while he's entertaining his sister who is there on vacation.

 

Insomnia is terrible also because many discount it -many pride themselves on getting so much done and never sleeping. Good for them. I also think that placebo/mindset can help a lot so if she thinks she'll sleep better in x place she likely will. So if there is another room in the house she can sleep or her mother's she should do that or figure out some kind of compromise.

[Hollyj]

Who's saying he isn't? Or that he doesn't? I think we're assuming dude's been kicking back Miller Lites despite the fact they both seem to be on the same boat as far as working while the kid's in daycare and coming home to take care of the child. I think it's very reasonable to not want to be stuck with solo parent duty the odd moment his sister's in town and to also want the baby to be around for his aunt to meet.

 

And, fact is, if you're having to crawl up steps, that's not a "go to mom's for a good night's rest" moment. That's check your ass into the hospital.

 

Regardless, I think DF's previous suggestion might be the best solution any party can hope for here. It's obvious if she sticks around for the week, she'll hate the guy for it. I do think the guy's a bit dense in that regard. No point in him pressing to keep her around if she's likely going to be intolerable. I'd try to negotiate it where you stick around with the kid a couple days to greet his sister and then take the kid to mom's. Again, OP, you know what you physically need, and if you genuinely know you need this, there was zero reason in the world to ask us for an opinion. Just do it. Give him the option of leaving the kid or taking the kid with.

 

The husband said that he did not want to be alone with the baby. This is ridiculous!

[Seraphim]

Personally ,I think a hospital stay is required.

[Batya33]

The husband said that he did not want to be alone with the baby. This is ridiculous!

 

I don't think so if he's also responsible for hosting his sister. But he can offer to hire a mother's helper, etc.

[Hollyj]

I don't think so if he's also responsible for hosting his sister. But he can offer to hire a mother's helper, etc.

 

But she is also the aunt. Isn't the purpose of the visit to see the baby?

 

What would happen if she had to hospitalized? Would he refuse to take care of his child.

[Batya33]

But she is also the aunt. Isn't the purpose of the visit to see the baby?

 

What would happen if she had to hospitalized? Refuse to take care of his child.

 

Obviously in an emergency. She is the Aunt and I had asked if she had met the baby before, if her vaccinations were up to date, if she wants to be involved in taking care of the baby as opposed to spending time with the baby at her convenience. I wouldn't assume. One of my closest friends was over once at night and my husband was away -she adored my son who was then a baby. I asked her to hold the baby on the couch so I could run to the bathroom. She refused -she was fearful of it I guess. I had already put him on the couch next to her and she didn't even try to stop him from almost rolling off. So I wouldn't assume.

[j.man]

What would happen if she had to hospitalized?

She'd probably be taken more seriously than with her passing off a good night's rest at ma's as the solution to cure her chronic and dangerously physically debilitating insomnia. And, while I can't assume, is she actually planning on driving there? If so, it may be that much harder for him to treat her seriously if she's claiming it's that bad while still having the mental capacity and motor skills to drive that long.

 

With respect to her condition, it's simply, at the very least, an incredible inconvenience to choose this specific time frame as the moment to turn it all around. It puts the husband in a crappy position to either solo parent while hosting a guest or to have the guest miss out on visiting her nephew. And it puts the sister in a horrendous position of, "Yeah, so you were so much of an imposition that my wife had to leave her own home while you were here."

 

Even still, I think the biggest mistake made here was her starting negotiations with staying at her mom's the entire week. Even factoring her lack of sleep in, there's a certain audacity to, "Yeah, so either the baby, myself, or both of us are gonna go to mom's while your sister's here." While I admit I couldn't see myself reacting quite as strongly as the husband has, I can understand his more or less "are you kidding me?" retort. I can only imagine how much better it could have gone if, instead, she'd expressed an eagerness to greet his sister while expressing how drained she's gotten from the insomnia, asking if she can go to her mom's for a couple couple nights in the middle of the week so that she can be rejuvenated and better company for his sister as she wraps up her stay.

[Hollyj]

I agree that she should have done more. The sleep study should have been done long ago.

[superfan]

She'd probably be taken more seriously than with her passing off a good night's rest at ma's as the solution to cure her chronic and dangerously physically debilitating insomnia.

 

Except that women are often expected to endure extreme levels of physical stress and trauma after having a child that men don't/can't understand or generally aren't willing to acknowledge. Often, it's hand-waved away as being "part of the job" - a job that women are usually doing the lion's share of.

 

It's likely her husband (and even the OP) doesn't understand that while some exhaustion is normal (especially if you are breastfeeding) this sort of exhaustion is beyond what is considered normal. If her husband were truly supportive and understanding of that aspect, he would have insisted on her going to the hospital a long time ago instead of sitting by while she physically forces herself to take care of a child on absolutely zero sleep.

 

This is part and parcel of a society that insists that women martyr themselves in order to be seen as good parents and then end up being vilified the second they assert their boundaries and say "enough - I need to take care of ME".

 

When my husband saw I was struggling, he got up EVERY single time I did, even though I was the one breastfeeding her and my husband couldn't really "help", he got up anyway. He had to be at work the next day but HE GOT UP and he helped and brought me food and water and comforted me when I was at my breaking point.

 

When it was clear I couldn't continue the way I was, he insisted on going against the lactation consultant's advice and giving her a bottle of pumped breast milk and then took over the night shift so I could rest.

 

If my health had gotten that bad, he would be the first person to take over and let me do whatever I needed to do.

 

I suffer from chronic and debilitating migraines. You know what happens when I have one that lasts for days? HE does all the childcare. Despite having his own stuff, he steps in and does it because that is what a good father and good husband does.

 

His sister is in Scotland with the rest of his family. She visited recently last summer. If I told him I was struggling and needed time away to recover, he would say "I'll miss you but I support you".

 

This woman has JUST had a baby. Her body is still recovering and she is a mess. She needs time away. If for nothing else, than to organise her thoughts and get another plan of action.

 

Women are not machines. They cannot be expected to go until they run out of steam. She probably should be in a hospital, but honestly I doubt the OP has even given herself permission to consider that because it means admitting "failure" to the outside world as a parent. We aren't expected to be human.

[Batya33]

I think it's such an individual thing .Depends on what the husband does for a living, availability of family/friends/childcare providers to help, etc. My husband was like yours when I had a newborn (and a very scary post-birth medical condition that sent me to the ER for 8 hours because i refused to stay overnight) - but he also had a brief paternity leave and a somewhat more flexible schedule. But after 3 weeks he had to return to work and that involved travel which meant solo parenting for me. Had he declined the travel his job/success would have been in jeopardy. No way did I want that and no way did I think he should put me first because I was exhausted and had a newborn. I was the full time parent and his job was to make sure his career was stable at least. Even if he had offered I would have declined because if there is only one income provider the family has to make sacrifices just like the income provider sacrifices for the full time parent when he or she can. And we had another source of income from my savings but we both wouldn't want to touch that for obvious reasons.

 

I agree individual or otherwise she should go to a hospital. Name calling and branding society as unforgiving to women isn't really the point in this individual situation.

[j.man]

Except that women are often expected to endure extreme levels of physical stress and trauma after having a child that men don't/can't understand or generally aren't willing to acknowledge. Often, it's hand-waved away as being "part of the job" - a job that women are usually doing the lion's share of.

 

It's likely her husband (and even the OP) doesn't understand that while some exhaustion is normal (especially if you are breastfeeding) this sort of exhaustion is beyond what is considered normal. If her husband were truly supportive and understanding of that aspect, he would have insisted on her going to the hospital a long time ago instead of sitting by while she physically forces herself to take care of a child on absolutely zero sleep.

 

This is part and parcel of a society that insists that women martyr themselves in order to be seen as good parents and then end up being vilified the second they assert their boundaries and say "enough - I need to take care of ME".

 

When my husband saw I was struggling, he got up EVERY single time I did, even though I was the one breastfeeding her and my husband couldn't really "help", he got up anyway. He had to be at work the next day but HE GOT UP and he helped and brought me food and water and comforted me when I was at my breaking point.

 

When it was clear I couldn't continue the way I was, he insisted on going against the lactation consultant's advice and giving her a bottle of pumped breast milk and then took over the night shift so I could rest.

 

If my health had gotten that bad, he would be the first person to take over and let me do whatever I needed to do.

 

I suffer from chronic and debilitating migraines. You know what happens when I have one that lasts for days? HE does all the childcare. Despite having his own stuff, he steps in and does it because that is what a good father and good husband does.

 

His sister is in Scotland with the rest of his family. She visited recently last summer. If I told him I was struggling and needed time away to recover, he would say "I'll miss you but I support you".

 

This woman has JUST had a baby. Her body is still recovering and she is a mess. She needs time away. If for nothing else, than to organise her thoughts and get another plan of action.

 

Women are not machines. They cannot be expected to go until they run out of steam. She probably should be in a hospital, but honestly I doubt the OP has even given herself permission to consider that because it means admitting "failure" to the outside world as a parent. We aren't expected to be human.

Right. And women are responsible adults perfectly capable of knowing their limits and addressing them any other time than the entire week an out-of-town guest has long been due in, and I respect them well enough to hold them to such a standard.

 

And without knowing the sacrifices the husband has or hasn't made, I'm not ready to treat this thread as a case study for feminist theory.

 

I don't even think she needs to have a medical issue to justify taking a couple nights off at mom's to catch up on rest while the guest is around. But for her to approach the husband with a, "I'm going to my mom's for the duration of your sister's stay," and for her or us to crucify him for being a bit "w t f?" about it is pretty incredible. Should she come at him with some form of compromise and discussion and he insist on his way or nothing, I'll gladly join you in smashing the patriarchy on this one.

[Batya33]

Right. And women are responsible adults perfectly capable of knowing their limits and addressing them any other time than the entire week an out-of-town guest has long been due in, and I respect them well enough to hold them to such a standard.

 

And without knowing the sacrifices the husband has or hasn't made, I'm not ready to treat this thread as a case study for feminist theory.

 

Yes but not women who have disregarded a real medical issue and let it escalate (which many of us have done and especially new moms -I did it and luckily my husband saw what was happening and made sure I got to the ER with a family friend) -so at that point she's not able to think clearly, to say the least. Obviously you also have a great point!

[ThatwasThen]

Father's are just as capable of taking care of their children full time as mothers.

I'm not disputing that but we all know how we as women can do most of the heavy work and get run down because of it. I certainly wouldn't want my husband to have to have the stress of entertaining his sister and looking after the baby full time just like I didn't like it when my husband got lax and expected me to take it on 100%... it's a JOINT job not to be put on either father or mother only. I fear you are projecting unduly because of your own sleep problems during your early breast feeding and are unable to see any other point of view (similar to the OP)

 

He will have his sister there to help him.

Yes and if te Op is smart, she will take the time that she is here to get that sleep study done and book herself into therapy to help her alleviate the stress she is obviously under. Going away to her mothers will do nothing more likely then not because she not getting to the physical reasons of her problem and it will just return when she does.

 

A sleep study is a good idea, but she needs a break. Her husband needs to suck it up and be supportive.

Where in what the Op has posted does it say that her husband has not been supportive in general. He, for all we know has been doing more then his share of the baby duties. Op has been going through this for a year she says, it's interesting that now that she's going to have to meet her SIL that she needs to take off. Can she not do that after the sister in law is gone back home? THAT would be a compromise that perhaps they both could live with and while the SIL is here, Op can get her appointments made and taken care of (hopefully).

[abitbroken]

it's interesting that now that she's going to have to meet her SIL that she needs to take off. Can she not do that after the sister in law is gone back home? THAT would be a compromise that perhaps they both could live with and while the SIL is here, Op can get her appointments made and taken care of (hopefully).

 

This is one of the points i was trying to make. IF SIL has never met her or the baby and has planned this trip for MONTHS - which this is the case -- and the OP obviously was fine with it when it was first planned

"i'm going to mothers" causes hubby to be in a very awkward situation. If i was the SIL i would wonder if my brother's marriage was okay, or SIL didn't want anything to do with our family, and if its okay for HER family to be hands on the deck with the baby and to stay at the house to help, am i chopped liver? If she has been dealing with this for a year - what's one more week? I think SIL would expect to help them out with the new baby. My siblings who have babies welcome it when someone is there to watch the baby and they can sleep, or shower or whatever they need to do. Who knows, SIL may see the situation and make her own suggestion of staying at a hotel or sightseeing one day to get out of your hair - or may ACTUALLY be super helpful. So what's the difference between going to mother's so mother can watch the baby and staying home and having SIL and hubby watch the baby?

 

I agree - get into a sleep study - find out what's wrong and all the rest. But don't use the one time your husband has a family member visit you to go AWOL - it wouldn't help in the longrun. Only checking yourself into the hospital will

[Batya33]

I agree about no sleep study at this point in this situation - hospital and full check up.

 

I think SIL would expect to help them out with the new baby. - I think that is not an assumption to make especially in this situation where she needs help. It is not her sister it is his- I have/had a wonderful family on both sides when I became a mom (three of the grandparents are now deceased) and assuming that a family member -even one who has good intentions -knows how to care for your infant is unrealistic.

 

Expecting that she help in other ways -that depends on the husband and whether he wants to impose on her, the guest, to ask her to help fold laundry, go shopping, prepare food, clean a bathroom floor, etc. I mean I would but it's his sister. I found out sometimes the hard way that having people around-even well meaning ones -was far more of a hindrance (especially when it came to respecting nap and sleep schedules and not liking to be told to remove shoes/wash hands, etc) and often just based on ignorance. In addition there's that issue of vaccinations plus whether she picked up germs on the plane, etc. (and depends how the mom feels about hygiene, etc. Hpefully she will want to help with non-baby stuff if it comes to that.

[ThatwasThen]

Babies don't need to be protected from germs. In fact, being exposed helps with building up immunities. This baby isn't an infant but rather a year old and I'll assume that all vaccinations have been kept up to date (shame if they have not (my opinion). If SIL isn't helping with her helping then a calm voice and showing gratitude for the effort along with an explanation as to what would be more helpful is all it would likely take to take care of any hindrance.

[j.man]

I'm still curious if the OP's describing this knocking on death's door level of physical and mental fatigue but still intended to drive herself (much less potentially have the child in the car) a whole 4 hours to ma's.

[Batya33]

Babies don't need to be protected from germs. In fact, being exposed helps with building up immunities. This baby isn't an infant but rather a year old and I'll assume that all vaccinations have been kept up to date (shame if they have not (my opinion). If SIL isn't helping with her helping then a calm voice and showing gratitude for the effort along with an explanation as to what would be more helpful is all it would likely take to take care of any hindrance.

 

I completely disagree. Some exposure is fine. I would not let a one year old around unvaccinated people or people who are sick. Exposure in the form of playing outside or with reasonably healthy children or with dirt depending on where- fine. Germ exposure to build immunity doesn't mean exposing the baby to sick or unvaccinated people IMO. I'll never forget my friend who had to stay up all night with her infant in a steamy bathroom because her father in law insisted on coming over and staying over with a horrific cough. Baby got croup -no vaccination for that. One year olds often are not done with their vaccinations.

 

I don't think anyone should assume that SIL can help with the baby but we can assume she should help around the house and husband should tell her the situation.

[chitown9]

The OP has left the building. I wonder how it was actually handled. Such a stressful situation....:icon_sad:chi