Advice for breaking up if I want to preserve our friendship? Dating for 3 years, ending it tonight

[MacTheII]

I intend to break up with her tonight over a number of incompatibilities but I realized that the things driving me to break up with her were really only issues with our romantic relationship. As friends we could be great best friends and I would have a blast with her all the time. I really really want to remain friends with her but I anticipate it will be really hard.

 

The pros:

We are on good terms currently and we have a great friendship.

 

We’ve broken up once before very shortly, she initiated it, and made it clear she wished to remain friends with me.

 

The cons:

We live together in a condo that my parents own so I’m putting her out of a place to live. She won’t be homeless but she’ll be reliant on her mother which is a position she hates.

 

It’s right before Christmas so I’m also putting her in an awkward position with her family having to explain why she’s there alone to her whole family.

 

So there are a lot of logistical things that I am really screwing her with by doing this now. I would honestly wait until after Christmas but that eliminates the lesser of the logistical things so I think doing it now is best.

 

What can I do to lessen the blow emotionally as well as logistically? She has already paid my parents for this month so I will of course offer to sleep on the couch and help her move out at her own pace (though I imagine she’ll leave tonight for her mothers house). I don’t think she’ll be ready to be around me immediately but I was thinking of offering to go to her family’s Christmas to make it less Awkward on her or potentially if she takes it better than I thought we could still have our Christmas together.

 

I don’t know, I just feel very guilty for the non-emotional things this will cause and I need advice for helping things go kind of smoothly if at all possible, I know break ups aren’t easy but there must be some things I can do.

 

Success stories of staying friends would really help me too.

 

TLDR: I am ending things with my girlfriend tonight but I really want to remain friends with her. What can I do to help facilitate a healthy recovery from the break up and ensure we remain friends if there’s any hope of it to start with?

[1a1a]

Hmmmmm, there’s nothing you can do to sooth the sting of rejection I don’t think. Be honest about how you feel. Once you said your piece don’t give her false hope by throwing her breadcrumbs of affection. And honestly, be prepared to put the friendship in stasis for a long time, like at least 6 months but a year would be better.

 

I’m torn between suggesting you should also crash somewhere else after breaking up with her (because no contact is the quickest way to heal) and suggesting that you Shouldn’t do that because it would make the abandonment all the more intense. Probably don’t do that.

 

Can you contact her friends and give them a heads up she’s going to need them now?

[WaywardKiwi]

MacTheII,

 

Ouch, I sympathise. I can't help much with logistics, but, in terms of staying friends, the one piece advice I can give is: give it time and space. From you post I think you will handle the actual break-up with empathy and calm. But nonetheless, its gonna hurt you both. There will be unresolved emotions. Thats life. I am close friends with a couple of my exes, but honestly the friendship has re-started some time after a period of NC following the break-ups. If you really are good as friends, you will come back together in that way after the collateral damage heals and you genuinely no longer relate each other to that time.

 

Hope that helps and best of luck,

 

T

[ballerinababe]

You're dumping her before the holidays and kicking her out of her home and you want to stay friends with her?

 

Wow.

 

My advice is to not expect to stay friends with her. If she wants to be friends, let her reach out if/when she's ready. I can't imagine why she would want to, though, considering the circumstances you're leaving her in.

[SweetGirl28]

I hope she sees this coming at her, or you are about to turn her world upside down

by throwing in the "lets stay friends" offer. I hope she graciously walks away from you.

Since she paid, you should leave. Give her space. Good luck to you both.

[lunanoir94]

I agree with all the above posts. Being friends fresh out of a break up is not realistic, nor possible, assuming either of you have any real emotion. It just leaves room for more hurt, you cannot truly be friends until feelings have been purged and they have moved on to the point of almost indifference. I personally would never want to be friends with my ex because I literally just don't care. If I did want to be friends with one, it is probably because I still harbor feelings deep down and see it as an opportunity to keep him close, and potentially rekindle the flame.

[Hollyj]

You're dumping her before the holidays and kicking her out of her home and you want to stay friends with her?

 

Wow.

 

My advice is to not expect to stay friends with her. If she wants to be friends, let her reach out if/when she's ready. I can't imagine why she would want to, though, considering the circumstances you're leaving her in.

 

I agree. Pretty heartless.

 

Dude, if you do this, do not offer to spend X-mas with her. You cannot be friends, until the feelings are gone. After she has gotten her stuff out and bills are settled. LEAVE HER ALONE TO HEAL. Do not reach out and try to be her 'friend,' by sending friendly texts, to offering to meet up for drinks, to catch up. The kindest thing you can do, is go NC, until she has properly healed - at least one year.

[Pleasedonot5]

You will not be able to healthily remain friends if you break up from a three-year relationship and cohabitation.

[MacTheII]

What would you have me do? Stay in a fake relationship for months?

[arjumand]

No, but you are showing her that you would be lousy friend, so don't say you want to be friends. If you want to break up, break up. But you should leave until the end of the month and let her get herself together since you are tossing her out.

[Hollyj]

You don't get it both ways. You cannot expect her to be friends, after breaking up.

[Hollyj]

What would you have me do? Stay in a fake relationship for months?

 

Why did you have to wait for the holidays?

[MissCanuck]

No, being friends right now will likely just not be possible. That's too much to ask of her when she'll be dealing with a break-up and having to find a new home. Maybe after a lot of time has passed you two can reconnect as friends. But the likelihood of that happening any time soon is small.

 

Be honest. Be gentle. Don't offer to go to her family Christmas; I can't see how that would be less awkward than not going if you're already broken up. It also comes across a pity offer, even if that's not your intention, so I would not table that suggestion. I would, however, agree that you will need to take physical space from her to give her some time to process until she is able to move. I went through something similar years ago, and my ex actually went to stay with a friend for a couple weeks while I stayed behind in our apartment and sorted myself out. It was great not having him in my vicinity, as I frankly didn't want to see him. If you're able to do the same, even if just for a few days, I would strongly suggest doing so.

 

Out of sheer curiosity, why are you ending it? Assuming you knew you were going to, why did you hold off until days before Christmas to break up?

[pippy longstocking]

Well I wouldn't be your friend , you can't have it all ways , just do the break up and set her free .

[thealchemist]

What would you have me do? Stay in a fake relationship for months?

Breaking up is breaking up. If you aren't in the relationship screw anyone else trying to tell you to stay in it. You leave when you feel that you need to leave.

 

I think the point is that the whole "lets be friends" crap is just selfish.

[superfan]

You are thinking about what YOU want here, and not about her wants or needs.

 

Sure, you want to stay friends because you feel your are good friends but not good romantic partners. I am assuming the guilt of what you are doing is also part of your driving force to remain friends. If she agrees to maintain the friendship then you don't have to feel as bad for dumping her right before Christmas and making her find a new place to live.

 

No, you don't have to stay in a relationship just for those reasons. If you want to break up, break up. But don't think she owes you anything - including friendship. There is a better than average chance she will not want to remain friends with you and you will need to accept that.

 

Good luck

[catfeeder]

There's no way I can think of to make someone feel 'good' about you after a breakup. That needs to come to them from inside them, not from any manipulation from you.

[my3lans]

You're dumping her before the holidays and kicking her out of her home and you want to stay friends with her?

 

Wow.

 

My advice is to not expect to stay friends with her. If she wants to be friends, let her reach out if/when she's ready. I can't imagine why she would want to, though, considering the circumstances you're leaving her in.

 

Exactly. Take it from someone who was basically abandoned during the holidays. That's a real d!ck thing to do.

[Wiseman2]

It will be up to her to decide whether she wants to be friends with you after you breakup and ask her to leave the condo. It's not your call. You can be civil about the breakup and move-out.

[catfeeder]

How would playing friendzies benefit either of you? It would only prevent you both from moving on. It would eventually lead to the pain of a second parting when one of you wants to pursue a new relationship with someone who is healthy enough to avoid anyone who's still involved with an ex.

 

I'd skip that.