GF got raped, what do I do?

[Seraphim]

As someone who has been drugged and raped by some random a hole it is totally devastating. It happened to me close to the age of your gf. I can understand not wanting to report it because believe me I went to court for being molested as a child and I did not turn out, AT ALL. I was treated like the criminal and my molester got ask me questions and interrogate me because he showed up in court without a lawyer . I had to stand there 14 years old without my parents without anybody in a courtroom with my vicious attacker treating me like crap.

 

At the same time I also value the importance of reporting things because this kind of crap needs to stop . Everyone needs to understand they have to stop having sex with drunk people this is not OK ! No means friggin no.

 

Go on loving and supporting your girlfriend she’s going to need it . Please encourage her into some counselling so she doesn’t end up with all the mental health issues I ended up with .

[katrina1980]

Read all the posts and chiming in fwiw.

 

I don't think she's lying, and I don't think she "cheated." Cheating involves intention, and I don't think she intended for any of this to happen. I just don't see it.

 

She is very young, inexperienced, 18 years old. She works at a hotel, where there is a bar, there was lots of drinking that day, she got very drunk (haven't we all) and made a VERY bad and irresponsible judgment call.

 

In retrospect, sure she "should" have called you, she "should" have done a lot of things other than what she actually did.

 

But she works with this guy, trusted him, considers him a friend.

 

So she went back to his, and being drunk (he may have been too) things got out of hand.

 

I do think at most he misread the situation, took advantage of her drunken state; whether it's "rape" or not can't say without garnering more facts, from both of them.

 

But she does feel "sexually violated" so for that reason needs support and understanding. Maybe even therapy.

 

I think we have all made bad judgment calls at one time or another, especially when drunk. Young and experienced. I know I sure have. Things we've done that we massively regret. That's life. We live, we learn.

 

Best of luck OP, to both you and your gf. Hopefully she will learn from this, seek help for her mental issues and drinking. Being that her mom is an alcoholic, she needs to be very careful with that.

[j.man]

It's certainly well beyond my scope to tell you that you can't stick around and support her. Point is that if she can't or won't take measures to help herself, your life will be riddled with dealing with aftermaths. There are a billion and one cases for you to support if your heart bleeds so, but you do have to look after yourself. Personally, my concern isn't so much that she might not be faithfully representing the account. To support someone, that someone needs to be acting. To support, you can't be the one driving. There are a whole lot of measures she should and could be taking, which isn't to say that it's fair or easy.

 

You speak to her plethora of mental issues prior to any of this. Now she's insisting on remaining "friends" with someone she's known for all of two work shifts and who raped her. Sorry, but when I read that initially, I'd assumed this was a guy she knew since they were children or something, not someone with whom virtually the entire context is him having raped her. And, no, that's not saying there's a right or wrong way to act after having been raped, but that if she can't even see the incentive to cut this guy out of her life, there's nothing you're going to be able to accomplish if she can't then faithfully pursue the professional services she needs. That her mother is an alcoholic yet she herself drinks to the point of getting trashed on work premises (regardless of being off the clock) and sitting in strange men's laps (again, on work premises) is its own consideration for future ramifications.

 

All this and you're how old? What are you doing with your late adolescence where you've got no struggles or obligations and all the time to play full-time crutch at the expense of your formative years? Again, if she can effectively pursue strategies conducive to a healing process, by all means, give supporting her a shot. But if she can't, at the very least, not try to keep her rapist as a friend, stop drinking, and enroll in some heavy counseling, I really think you've got to make some hard decisions on how much you can and should be compromising yourself. And despite what many may think, that's not speaking out of any lack of compassion. Quite the contrary. I want you to be healthy, too, and not just for yourself, but for the others in your life who will themselves need help and who will rely on you to support them.

[Jibralta]

I handled my situation a lot like she did, and I turned out fine. My boyfriend was strong enough to handle it.

[Seraphim]

My husband was strong enough to handle the fallout from my life.

[j.man]

I handled my situation a lot like she did, and I turned out fine. My boyfriend was strong enough to handle it.

Glad you're the rule.

 

Quite honestly one of the most absurdly disingenuous sentiments I've seen on these forums. While taking the rape on its own would be sufficient, throw in the smorgasbord of other mental health issues and predispositions the OP has described and it's nothing less than amazing to suggest it's a lack of compassion or "strength" should someone in the OP's shoes carefully consider their position when it comes to a partner not taking proactive measures to secure their own emotional well-being.

[Jibralta]

Glad you're the rule.

 

So am I. Fortunately, most girls are tough.

[Jibralta]

Quite honestly one of the most absurdly disingenuous sentiments I've seen on these forums.

 

That belief might make you feel better, but it isn't really your place to decide what my sentiments are.

 

Unless you're talking about "Glad you're the rule." Which I now suspect actually is disingenuous.

[Purusha]

It should at least be reassuring to hear from all of us who have confirmed that we've been through similar situations and have reacted in much the same way, that the way that she's reacting is normal - there are no set rules or exceptions when it comes to how we cope.

 

It's only five days after it happened, so right now she's likely just trying to cope with the trauma of what happened and the guilt of what she will feel is a betrayal to you (even though it was rape, the feeling that you deserved this and how that reflects on your worth can be really hard to get through).

 

Give her time to process, be there when she needs to talk and affirm to her how she is valued and loved which I'm sure you do anyway, if in time she can get some trauma counselling that would be a great option for her but right now just your presence and trust will mean a great deal.

 

As previously said, it will be important for you to have someone to talk to as well whether that's a friend or counsellor to help you too - it's hard on both partners and when we love someone who's been through this kind of thing it's also traumatic for us, so take good care of yourself.

 

Wishing you the very best, you sound like a kind person and she sounds like an innocent who hasn't quite discovered herself yet, be gentle with yourselves and with each other.

[ThatwasThen]

It's certainly well beyond my scope to tell you that you can't stick around and support her. Point is that if she can't or won't take measures to help herself, your life will be riddled with dealing with aftermaths.

I agree. Be congnizant of the fact that she's not getting therapy for the "issues" you mention she has, she has a history of having to deal with an alcoholic father as well and she hasn't kept that in mind when she drank to the excess that she did so there is that to deal with as well. Certainly do talk to her about boundaries, limits, appropriate behaviour when in a committed relationship and looking after her emotional well being with the help of a professional.

 

What you do, of course is your choice however and Seriously: Don't become the White Knight to her damsel in distress if she's not willing to make changes and get the guidance to do that with a professional. You can support her through this journey but you're not equipped to get her to a good place mentally and emotionally no matter how strong you are.

 

Thank you for clarifying the contradictions in your opening post vs your reposts.

[abitbroken]

his whole thing with the drinking happened on the second shift. She is a very truthful person, she doesn't lie, please believe me when I say this. She was very drunk yes. She went to his because she was scared about going home drunk as her mother is also an alcoholic.

 

so why did she not call YOU? or because she works in a hotel, I am sure she could get a discount to stay the night if she was unable to drive.

 

If her mom is an alcoholic, she would either a) take after mom b) afraid to become like mom and not drink a sip.

 

I would strongly suggest to her that she finds a job where alcohol is not freely poured or encouraged in the work place (some places that serve alcohol have the policy that employees can come for a drink on their day off -- they cannot be seen hanging at the bar and drinking in uniform right after their shift, etc.) - or does not have liquor to begin with? It seems that if mom has a drinking problem and your girlfriend does not have the capacity to "only have one drink" that it might be a good move for her and would also earn your trust if indeed if there was any question about her story to get away from the guy. This may be a truthful story, but it still involved poor judgement, and if she is unable to make good judgement in the future, its just going to be a chain of damsel in distress of her own choices.

[Juha]

Dude you may love her but her story, excuse has so many holes in it it's not funny. She is playing you!!!

 

You may love her but you need to drop this girl ASAP. She is not trustworthy and you do not want to waste your time and emotion on someone like this.

If she was drinking and knew she was getting drunk/was drunk why did she not get in touch with you? I have been in the exact same situation with a gf more than once and they got in touch to see if I could come get them.

 

This girl is not trustworthy and you need to dump her now and not look back. She got drunk, he came on to her, she went back to his house, she let her wall down and was horny, now feels bad and is playing you. If she was so out of it how does she remember so many details about what happened? Because she is lying and playing you.

 

Do yourself a giant favor and dump this woman who is not trustworthy.....

 

The bottom line is she has many issues that she needs to deal with, those are not your problems. Don't make them your problems.

The biggest thing to having a happy and successful life is who you date and marry. you will not have a happy life anytime soon with this woman and all her issues that she does not seem to be dealing with.

 

You really do need to let her go for the both of your good. She needs to get help and fix herself and you need to heal and find someone that is healthy and not messed up.

Otherwise your life will always be in turmoil if you continue on with your gf.

 

Go out and find someone healthy to date and have as your gf, you will be much happier. Don't sacrifice yourself for this woman.

[ballisticlava]

She is literally traumatised and in shock. I'm not about to leave her. Her initial response to talk to the guy is out the window, she doesn't want to talk to him. She did call me to say she was having drinks and that she was gonna make her own way home soon. She remembers so many details because use the rapist told her stuff that jogged her memory. I guess I know her the best so I know she is not lying, but can't convey that on a forum post. I thought mentioning she is in complete shock and traumatised visibly would be enough. She did not mean to drink that much and said it won't happened again. I appreciate people pitching in to give advice but I have stated in my previous posts that I don't want to break up with her. This woman has sacrificed so much for me to deal with my issues, and I am her only support. I can handle her issues. She is trying to get help. Thank you for all the advice but I can't check the thread anymore. My girlfriend was raped and it's difficult for me to hear that it's all her fault, since I know she did not want this to happen, and the way she shakes and cries when she remembers it proves that to me.

[MissCanuck]

How does she feel now about reporting this to the police?

 

She might feel more comfortable doing so now that a few days have passed. If he has raped one woman, he is very likely to do it again. There is also a strong chance he has done this before. I speak from the point of a view of someone who found out her acquaintance was a rapist. I was shocked to learn it, as I'd never taken him for someone who could hurt a fly - and it only came to light because he escalated his assaults to a random attack on a woman walking her dog one evening.

 

When the police determined who it was and released the news that this random attacker had been arrested, more women started coming forward to report rapes he had committed while in various relationships with them. It was horrifying. And he confessed to it, in the end.

 

Please, do ask her to consider that angle too. She might be doing the greater community a huge favour - and possibly prevent further assaults - if she finds the courage to report him.

[Juha]

messed up message

[Juha]

She is literally traumatised and in shock. I'm not about to leave her. Her initial response to talk to the guy is out the window, she doesn't want to talk to him. She did call me to say she was having drinks and that she was gonna make her own way home soon. She remembers so many details because use the rapist told her stuff that jogged her memory. I guess I know her the best so I know she is not lying, but can't convey that on a forum post. I thought mentioning she is in complete shock and traumatised visibly would be enough. She did not mean to drink that much and said it won't happened again. I appreciate people pitching in to give advice but I have stated in my previous posts that I don't want to break up with her. This woman has sacrificed so much for me to deal with my issues, and I am her only support. I can handle her issues. She is trying to get help. Thank you for all the advice but I can't check the thread anymore. My girlfriend was raped and it's difficult for me to hear that it's all her fault, since I know she did not want this to happen, and the way she shakes and cries when she remembers it proves that to me.

 

No worries man, I wish you luck because you are in for along and painful road by trying to save this woman...

I am not blaming her for allegedly being raped. I am trying to show that her behavior is the problem, you even stated she has lots of issues and was not really doing much to fix them.

 

You really do not have to be a white knight and try to save her from herself, that is her problem and issue to deal with not yours.

Your life will be in turmoil, more than likely trying to help/save her from herself. It is going to be a long road and probably not a happy nor easy road and at your age it truly is not worth it. Being single to handle your issues and finding a healthy woman which would lead to a great relationship and a happy life would be the best route but you seem to have made up your mind to try and save this woman and sacrifice yourself and most likely a happy life for at least the near future.

 

I wish you the best in your decision and I really hope it's all worth it in the end...

[Juha]

One last thing is when you talk about the incident and your gf you have a lot of excuses for her about it not being her fault and excusing her.

 

that is not a good thing, she is responsible for her actions. You saying she is not and giving reasons why is not a good thing

[Purusha]

Juha,

 

Everyone is responsible for their actions, she is responsible for being drunk and she has accepted this, she has accepted that she drank too much - this is not in question.

 

She was with someone she trusted, as we all are every day of our lives - to imagine that she should hole herself up in a cave and never be alone with a man again (drunk or not) on the off chance that he might find an opportunity to rape her, and assume that all men are like this does a misjustice to good men, and is neither realistic or reasonable.

 

The fault lies with the rapist, not the person who was raped, to be clear.

 

I really hoped that we had moved on from the mentality of 'she asked for it'.

[Seraphim]

^ opps sorry, left a rep comment and thought you were a guy.

[greta96]

I didn't read the other replies, but just going off your first post, I have doubts that she was raped.

He wanted to call her a cab but she refused and wanted to go to his place instead? Then, instead of filing a police report, or at the very least being extremely disgusted and furious with the guy, she refuses to cut him out of her life?

Something's fishy. I would rather think that she cheated then felt guilty and decided to tell you this story, to relieve her guilt. Not sure why she thought accusing the guy of rape would be a good idea, but to each their own I guess...

[katrina1980]

Juha,

 

Everyone is responsible for their actions, she is responsible for being drunk and she has accepted this, she has accepted that she drank too much - this is not in question.

 

She was with someone she trusted, as we all are every day of our lives - to imagine that she should hole herself up in a cave and never be alone with a man again (drunk or not) on the off chance that he might find an opportunity to rape her, and assume that all men are like this does a misjustice to good men, and is neither realistic or reasonable.

 

The fault lies with the rapist, not the person who was raped, to be clear.

 

I really hoped that we had moved on from the mentality of 'she asked for it'.

 

Agree with you, however it's equally important to not toss accusations of "rape" at him either without garnering all facts and evidence.

 

We know that no matter what happened, she feels sexually violated, so she needs support for dealing with that, and let's leave the judgments and accusations to the police and/or a court of law should she choose to take that path.

[Purusha]

Garnering facts and evidence is not possible on an internet forum, and isn't our job, and it's also quite unnecessary as this particular thread, is in response to someone who says they are a victim. The op did not ask us to ascertain whether the rape happened or not, only how he should deal with this for himself and for his partner.

 

I'm unclear why, as an internet forum, it is assumed that we should take the stance of some sort of legal consultant - this is a forum for general advice. This is not a court of law, no one is named or identified in any way and there are no legal ramifications, so the fear of taking the stance of believing the account and assuming that this has happened to her is an unfounded fear - no one is being asked to make that judgement.

 

The forum is here to offer advice to the people that would like advice, not to mitigate by sitting on the fence and asking for proof that will never be realised in this setting.

 

If this is done because people don't know how to respond and are uncomfortable with taking sides and appearing unjust, it would be better to not respond than to respond to something that you feel unsure or uncomfortable with or have little to no experience of.

 

From the ops perspective, responding in this manner is an emotionally/psychologically unhelpful thing to do when they are dealing with this kind of trauma and one of the prime difficulties rape victims deal with is feeling that it is their fault - all that does is take them to a lower emotional state when they are already struggling to cope.

[Jibralta]

Hear, hear.

[katrina1980]

@ Purusha -

 

As clarification, there’s been quite a bit of judgments, accusations, victim blaming, etc., being tossed around on this thread, pertaining to both OP’s gf and her alleged rapist, which in my personal opinion is unfair and wrong.

 

I don’t care if this is an internet forum wherein we’re all anonymous, I don’t agree with it and said so, which is also my right as a registered member.

 

I already gave my opinion earlier re what I suspect may have happened, placing no direct judgment or blame on either of them. It’s just not my style, until I have more facts.

 

Other than to say that no matter what happened (which has yet to be determined), the OP's gf feels sexually violated which she needs support in dealing with.

 

Referring to him a rapist even on an anonymous forum such as this has the potential of swaying other posters into drawing a conclusion that may not be accurate, and therefore also not helpful to the OP.

 

That said, I respect that you disagree with my stance so carry on as your wish.

 

I should know better than to participate in threads such as this.

 

ETA: To the OP, I hope your gf gets the support she needs, and best of luck to both of you.

[Jibralta]

I think that misses the point though, Katrina... which actually was the point. The OP is asking us to assume that a rape occurred, and based on that assumption, offer advice. A lot of the responses overlooked that request and tackled a different issue.