GF got raped, what do I do?

[katrina1980]

Yes I know OP was asking us to assume a rape occurred.

 

I work in legal and have worked on so many rape cases, your head would spin.

 

So my brain is geared more towards gathering facts before drawing a conclusion, and not making assumptions before doing so. Even on an internet forum.

 

 

 

The forum is here to offer advice to the people that would like advice, not to mitigate by sitting on the fence and asking for proof that will never be realised in this setting.

 

If this is done because people don't know how to respond and are uncomfortable with taking sides and appearing unjust, it would be better to not respond than to respond to something that you feel unsure or uncomfortable with or have little to no experience of.

From the ops perspective, responding in this manner is an emotionally/psychologically unhelpful thing to do when they are dealing with this kind of trauma and one of the prime difficulties rape victims deal with is feeling that it is their fault - all that does is take them to a lower emotional state when they are already struggling to cope.

 

Purusha made the point that my criticism of him being referred to as a rapist, was emotionally/psychologically unhelpful.

 

In turn, I think labeling him as a rapist, based on such ambiguity as provided by the OP is equally unhelpful.

 

I'd rather focus on his girlfriend's feelings of sexual violation (no matter what happened), which we know is true, and how she needs support for that, and leave all the other accusations and judgments pertaining to both of them out of it.

[ThatwasThen]

No disrespect to anyone however: The Op's often ask us to assume many things but we sure go off the track to their assumptions more often then not because we feel our observation (even though it's not what they have asked) will be of some help to them in making their decisions.

 

I think we would all be enabling codependent thinking if we were just to assume along with this OP and not give him something else to consider.

 

Op's girlfriend has many issues that she's not dealt with prior to that night and he has very likely been White Knighting her throughout their relationship because of them. It's not wrong to point out to him that whether she was raped or she wasn't... she isn't getting help for any of it and that fact is worth pointing out to him that he can't fix her. Its always hard to see when you (the general you) are in the midst of it all.

[Jibralta]

Even though I understand something bad happened to her, and I have been trying to support her a lot, I still feel very hurt by her. I keep having this voice in my mind that if she truly loved me, she would have been able to realize, even when drunk. She say that she doesn't remember coming onto him and if she did she couldn't control it because she was drunk. Or that if she loved me, she wouldn't get herself drunk and put herself in vulnerable situations. I love her so much and I have been trying to support her. She say she wants to not cut him out of her life. They work at the same place, so the occasional hello, but I suggested that she cut him out, which she has disagreed to. Has anyone been in a similar incident and what should I do, because even though I am not angry about what happened, I am upset that she came onto him, even if it was the alcohol.

 

What I read was not that he wanted to fix her, but that he needs help coping with his own conflicting emotions as he tries to support her. He believes his girlfriend, period. But he is (understandably) struggling with feeling betrayed. The background he gave served as an explanation for those conflicting feelings.

[katrina1980]

What I read was not that he wanted to fix her, but that he needs help coping with his own conflicting emotions as he tries to support her.

 

He believes his girlfriend, period. But he is (understandably) struggling with feeling betrayed. The background he gave served as an explanation for those conflicting feelings.

 

If that is the case, then to the OP, explore further your feelings of betrayal. You either believe her or you don't. If you truly do, then where's the betrayal?

 

FWIW and I've posted about this previously, but I experienced something very similar many years back. I hesitate calling myself a "victim" because I don't feel I was, if anything I was and still am a survivor.

 

All I can say, is TIME HEALS.

 

Again best of luck.

[Purusha]

Yes I know OP was asking us to assume a rape occurred.

 

I work in legal and have worked on so many rape cases, your head would spin.

 

So my brain is geared more towards gathering facts before drawing a conclusion, and not making assumptions before doing so. Even on an internet forum.

 

 

 

 

Purusha made the point that my criticism of him being referred to as a rapist, was emotionally/psychologically unhelpful.

 

In turn, I think labeling him as a rapist, based on such ambiguity as provided by the OP is equally unhelpful.

 

I'd rather focus on his girlfriend's feelings of sexual violation (no matter what happened), which we know is true, and how she needs support for that, and leave all the other accusations and judgments pertaining to both of them out of it.

 

That was my point, that you are not going to gather facts and be able to draw a conclusion in the legal sense to satisfy you that the rape did or did not happen so from the get-go it's a false premise.

 

I would reiterate again that this is not what was asked, OP had no doubts on the truthfulness of his girlfriend, and instilling that doubt when it was not a question (which is why no facts were provided for or against this aspect and upon which he was subsequently grilled) does nothing but undermine and upset someone who is already struggling.

 

It would be a different matter if he had doubts and asked people's opinion on the facts that he had, however this was not the case and it's not a subject that common sense, emotional intelligence or life experience can make probability assumptions on. In such a traumatic instance such as rape, it is reckless to rock someone's reality of themselves and their relationship in such a way as it has nothing but negative consequences.

 

What he came here for was emotional and psychological support and advice, not a trial.

 

I'm curious to know why taking his belief that this happened to his girlfriend at face value is unhelpful or emotionally/psychologically damaging? In doing so all you then glean from his original query is that he is looking for ideas and suggestions on how to emotionally cope, and how to support his girlfriend in a healthy way where both are catered for. I struggle to see how that is unhelpful or damaging in any way.

 

However, taking the stance that she was not raped with an absolute inability to make a judgement either way, leads him to doubt the faith he has in his relationship and his partner, it will develop distrust where there was none, create an unstable dynamic for his girlfriend who needs security and safety around her, and give them more problems than they already have.

 

I wasn't actually aiming that comment directly at you but to the forum at large, to look at what is helpful and what isn't, what's supportive and healthy and what isn't, and acknowledging the limitations that an internet forum inevitably has and acting within those limitations, while trying to encourage taking the path of the least harm and the most gain.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.