GF got raped, what do I do?

[MissCanuck]

What type of contact is she wanting to maintain, exactly?

 

What is the history between her and him?

[ballisticlava]

" but when drunk she doesn't realize it not appropriate.".

 

Drunkness is not a free pass.

 

I think you should ask her to go to a therapy and see if she refuses that.

 

Yeah. She's like this because her mum is an alcoholic and she has to see this all the time. But this is a separate issue I guess. What I leaned is that the rape, and the the getting drunk and appearing flirty unintentionally are two different things. She doesn't want to cheat, I believe her and love her alot. I need to tackle the issues one at a time, to help her heal first

[ThatwasThen]

My question is what is she doing going out and getting drunk with another man? You say that she usually leaves the bar with the guy she is accusing of raping her. Does she go out alone with him often? If she goes to the bar with him again after this then I'd be questioning her memory of the events and wanting to know why she would put herself in that position yet again with him.

 

She would do well to get therapy... perhaps if she does, she'll get the confidence to report him to the police.

 

While I'd have a lot of sympathy for her situation, I'd have to make a decision of who I want in my life as a partner and what I want to deal with as a result. If my girlfriend was getting drunk to the point she's not aware that sitting on a dude's lap could be taken sexually (or, perhaps worse, she could think back on it sober and come to the same conclusion) and, even if vaguely understandable, she insisted on keeping a man who'd sexually assaulted her in her life, I simply couldn't do it. Again, I'd have sympathy and wouldn't voice any doubts over what happened, but I need to look at my own life and my own balance.

I think that is how most men would look at it.

 

For someone who was black out drunk she has a very good memory of what happened ~ right down to refusing his offer to call her a cab.

 

Op: How long have you and your g/f been dating? Why didn't she call you? Were you working or something?

[Honeycomb8]

I think she's lying.

 

Even when very drunk, she should know it's inappropriate to go over to a guy's place while being in a relationship with you and sitting on his lap is crossing the line. She now doesn't want to cut this guy off, even though he supposedly raped her?

 

Uh that doesn't sound right. It sounds like she wanted to sleep with him and just made an excuse up.

 

^ And yeah, why is she drinking so much with another guy? That's incredibly bad boundaries to begin with.

[ballisticlava]

She was drinking at work. She has only ever met up with him once (with me) and shared a shift with him. This is the 2nd ship. For clarification, she doesn't want to be friends with him, she just wants it to be not awkward for her sake. She is utterly incapable of lying, I realize straight away and she is a very honest person. She lied to me once about something very minor, and I caught it, so I don't think she is lying about this, no.

[ballisticlava]

 

For someone who was black out drunk she has a very good memory of what happened ~ right down to refusing his offer to call her a cab.

 

Op: How long have you and your g/f been dating? Why didn't she call you?

 

Well she only remembers things in little bits, and what he said jogged her memory while texting after. I read all the texts and she messaged him in front of me so that's okay. She was very sleepy and so drunk she wasn't able to use her phone. She was constantly blacking out, typical teleportation when drunk, So I don't mind she didn't text me, I get that.

[j.man]

and what he said jogged her memory while texting after.

She was constantly blacking out, typical teleportation when drunk

That's not how blacking out works.

 

And add "getting **** faced at work" to the plethora of considerations I'd be giving to such a woman.

[MissCanuck]

That's not how blacking out works.

 

And add "getting **** faced at work" to the plethora of considerations I'd be giving to such a woman.

 

Bingo.

 

OP, does she actually want to stay friends with this guy?

[Purusha]

Wow, I'm pretty astounded at the advice to ditch someone because they got inappropriately drunk, trusted someone, and were taken advantage of.

 

All of us, without exception, have a past that lead us to make choices, sometimes bad choices that get us in trouble, many have had bad boundaries and made bad judgements as a result - it's called life, we try and learn from it and move on. She may have problems, and frankly with an alcoholic mother I'd be surprised if she didn't - but if you're looking for a person with zero issues and zero baggage you may as well give up now and stay single forever, and choose to never love again.

 

To advise someone to ditch a person who they thoroughly believe is honest and made a bad judgement which led to them being abused shows an incredible lack of compassion. If we lost people we loved every time we made a mistake this would be a really REALLY sad world.

 

Sometimes you have to have faith in people if your heart tells you to do so, and not solely just look out for number one and for your own interests - if you trust them, believe them, and love them, I see absolutely no reason to abandon them. Trust your gut and go with it, no one here knows her like you do and if it says to stick by her, go with that.

 

Even if, for hypotheticals, that it turns out she's lying (which I personally doubt but that's just my opinion), it will show up in other behaviour and other circumstances that will bring things to a head sooner or later. Whatever happens life unfolds as it should, we learn and develop in our own time and in our own way but staying true to yourself is so important. If you go against what your heart tells you, it will remain firmly lodged as unresolved and a source of pain for you.

[SherrySher]

I didn't want to say it but Honeycomb did. Op, I know you love your GF but I do think you need to consider that she might just have slept with this guy and regretted it but didn't want to lose you so came up with the rape scenario.

[SherrySher]

Purusha, please take in consideration that those of us that had similar opinions have been on this board for some time now and did not just make rash judgement's but there are many arrows pointing towards this girl not being honest with her BF.

It's reasonable to question it at the very least.

[Pleasedonot5]

Rule of thumb: believe her until you have a good reason not to. In this case, it sounds like she was raped. Consent cannot be given when ridiculously drunk.

 

Here are my thoughts:

 

1. She should not have gotten that drunk. Obviously. Look what happened. But just because someone got drunk, that doesn't mean one deserves rape. That doesn't mean that another can have sex with them. They cannot consent.

 

2. He should not have had sex with a woman who was in and out of consciousness. Being that drunk means they cannot consent. AND she said no several times. Maybe that's a big clue that she meant no?

 

3. Shame on those who default to victim-blaming. Nitpicking ambiguities in OP's telling of victim description... Stats show that accusations of rape that are reported are found false / unfounded only 2-8% of time... and these are typically found early. That means it is more likely than not that it happened. AND the alleged perpetrator apologized and tried to rationalize his behavior ("you shouldn't have sat on my lap!")... He's basically admitting guilt by apologizing.

[ThatwasThen]

Op:

Why is your girlfriend getting drunk at work?

Why does she usually wait for this guy to leave with him?

 

The only thing I see worth thinking about is the fact that you can't give consent when you are ****faced drunk... But, who gets that drunk while at work?

 

He's basically admitting guilt by apologizing.

Or he's just apologizing because she's now regretful and so she is making it look like he took advantage. I think that its a dangerous time when someone is found guilty just by an accusation. There are far too many contradictions and ambiguities here for us to just assume that he took advantage when it's quite feasible that she went there on a mission. I'd still like to know why she got black out drunk at work... who was she with that let her drink that much and then leave on her own only to meet up with this guy????? There are a lot of empty holes in this story.

 

Adding:

She was drinking at work. She has only ever met up with him once (with me) and shared a shift with him.

Correct me if I've wrong but didn't you say that "She usually waits and leaves with him?" This is in your opening post:

Usually, her and another male co-worker come home together, so she waited for him.

Why are you changing the events of that evening?

[Honeycomb8]

^ Yeah the story doesn't add up.

 

If she was raped, she wouldn't want to continue being 'friends' with him.

[Jibralta]

Just wanted to chip in on this as I've been in a similar position and didn't report it - rape by a trusted friend or partner can really screw with your head, and it's really common to go into denial because you don't want to believe that your friend/partner would do this. It's a protective measure and doesn't mean that there's anything off, but I do totally understand how this can fuel a sense of doubt for people.

 

If you had no reason to not trust her before there's no reason not to now, and if she's been through this the most damaging thing that you can do is not believe her.

 

Same. Who can explain it? I didn't want anymore grief than I already had. You can see what's already happening on this thread and others like it. Forget that.

 

I'm sorry you are also going through this, ballisticlava. I'm sure your support is helping her. Hopefully, the two of you can work it out.

[Purusha]

This is getting completely off topic - firstly none of us will be able to decipher, unless someone suggests us all flying the girl over to a neutral spot and having an interrogation, whether her story adds up, as we drill her for her every move throughout the night and ask her to justify all of her decisions and reactions. I would suggest that people try to stop trying to play detective when someone elses relationship and emotions are on the line, it's incredibly irresponsible. It's frankly selfish and macabre to try and satiate your own desire to decipher the truth, where you absolutely cannot.

 

I'm not saying that she is cannot be lying, only that trying to make suppositions on such a serious event over the internet is ridiculous.

 

If you don't understand the psychology of rape (in particular rape by a trusted friend with someone with poor boundaries and a low sense of self), ask a professional what is 'expected behaviour' before asking the op to rationalise his partners behaviour when she is likely traumatised and feeling responsible, ashamed and hurt and many other things and while he is trying to deal with his own emotions.

 

That is all we can do, suggest ways that he can deal with his own emotions, while trying to find the best way to move forward with or without his girlfriend.

 

Op - honestly I would run, not walk, as far away from this thread as is humanly possible and seek the advice of a professional.

[ThatwasThen]

This is getting completely off topic - firstly none of us will be able to decipher, unless someone suggests us all flying the girl over to a neutral spot and having an interrogation, whether her story adds up, as we drill her for her every move throughout the night and ask her to justify all of her decisions and reactions. I would suggest that people try to stop trying to play detective when someone elses relationship and emotions are on the line, it's incredibly irresponsible. It's frankly selfish and macabre to try and satiate your own desire to decipher the truth, where you absolutely cannot.

I'm not trying to "decipher the truth" or "play detective". I'm trying to understand why she would be drinking at work and why the Op as changed what happened from the opening post.

[Capricorn3]

Not sure if I'm the only one, but something just doesn't add up in this entire story. Something seems very "off" here.

[ThatwasThen]

Perhaps the Op will come in and answer the questions posed about why she would be drinking to "black out" state at work and why he first said she usually waits to leave with who she is accusing and then changed it to say she has only been with him once and Op was with her when she was. Maybe I'm misunderstanding. *shrugs*

[Capricorn3]

Perhaps the Op will come in and answer the questions posed about why she would be drinking to "black out" state at work and why he first said she usually waits to leave with who she is accusing and then changed it to say she has only been with him once and Op was with her when she was. Maybe I'm misunderstanding. *shrugs*

 

Yes, hopefully the OP will come back to clarify. Too many pieces missing in this puzzle.

[ballisticlava]

Hey, sorry for late response and thanks for all the replies. She works at a hotel, the have a bar open for after work, not during her shift. She has never drunk there before, and she does have a lot of emotional issues. She knows the limits of her drink but this one time she went too far and it all hit her later on. She has only worked there on two shifts. The first shift, she was working with a lot of people, turned out this guy was going on the same bus as her, and since she is still young and vulnerable, and works nights, she wanted to go on her route home with someone in case anything happens. She trusted him and went on the bus home, and he went to his own house. She said she has made a new friend to me, and since she has an issue of feeling lonely, she tries to make lots of new friends. I met up with this guy and he seemed really cool and chill. This whole thing with the drinking happened on the second shift. She is a very truthful person, she doesn't lie, please believe me when I say this. She was very drunk yes. She went to his because she was scared about going home drunk as her mother is also an alcoholic. She would never do this, but her paranoia and anxiety was fulled by the drink. She did not realize this was inappropriate, but also had no intentions of anything sexual with him. She did not mean to get off her face, she is still young, just turned 18 so the excitement of alcohol is there and she wants to have a good time, she misjudged her limits. This was an honest mistake. Same with the lap sitting, she said she did this because she was cold. I can excuse the lap sitting, because she was really really drunk. She did not think about how that was not appropriate, but she was drunk completely. She's a lightweight but, again, honest mistake and teenage excitement about drinking. But that is as far as she went. Everything else the guy did was non consensual. She was slipping in and out of sleep, 2 seconds awake, 2 seconds asleep. She kept saying no, but other times she was in shock and froze. At one point she said she thought the guy was me, which was just down to the confusion so she let him for a second before she went back to sleep. Guys, I believe her for a few reasons. The first thing she did in the morning was message me to home to pick her up from his, since she was very upset. She cried when she saw me for the first time and did not let me hug her because she said she was dirty. She is a very truthful person and also, she is in shock now. She is so upset and it's like she is going crazy. I can tell how shaken up she is about the whole thing. Her efforts to make friends puts her at risk, but she has delt with neglect for many years, since childhood, so I don't blame her for wanting to make new friends. We do need to talk about how to stay safe when meeting new people, how much to drink etc, but I believe her when she won't drink that much again. It's clear she regrets drinking, but the rape was not her fault. She is mentally unstable. Her self esteem is really low, I know this. She did not want to stay friends in that sense of the word. She just didn't want her new job to be awkward since she has finally got one after a long long struggle. She wanted a professional relationship and answers from him, no more. And not straight away obviously, she wants time before she makes that decision. It is clear that he does not realize what he has done. He is trying to blame her but even he acknowledged that he carried on when she said no. This thread is really making me upset because I just want advice on what to do, and I don't want to break up with my gf. She is a good girl who got too drunk on accident and was raped. She is dealing with the trauma in whatever way her brain needs to. It was my mistake for making it seems like she is okay and just wants to be friends with him. She is in shock and is visibly traumatized, even after 5 days She is confused and in a constant daze

[Jibralta]

I believe you (and her). It happens. Your turmoil is totally understandable. It's good of you to be so understanding of this situation, and supportive. She will probably feel horrible about it in some corner of her mind for the rest of her life, but she will get better. Almost nobody that I know knows what happened to me. There's no point talking about it because people don't understand that their ideals don't apply to actual reality. People don't always behave the way you think they should or would. I wish you both the best.

[ballisticlava]

I believe you (and her). It happens. Your turmoil is totally understandable. It's good of you to be so understanding of this situation, and supportive. She will probably feel horrible about it in some corner of her mind for the rest of her life, but she will get better. Almost nobody that I know knows what happened to me. There's no point talking about it because people don't understand that their ideals don't apply to actual reality. People don't always behave the way you think they should or would. I wish you both the best.

 

Thank you, that means the world to me.

[SherrySher]

I only gave an opinion. I am not saying anyone is right or wrong, and as far as I am concerned, opinions are based on interpretations from each individual.

 

No one is being irresponsible, they are giving their insight and opinion which I feel is perfectly fine as OP is asking. He does not need to listen to anyone or take our advice.

 

I think I have said this thousands of times on here, but it is a forum where there is freedom to give your own interpretations and opinions. No one is trying to cause harm or disrespect, we are all trying to give honest advice and opinions here.

 

The only one who can decide what happens next, is OP.

 

I appreciate everything anyone has to say as truth be told, no one knows who is right or wrong and all are very interesting and helpful in their own right.

 

I hope you do come down to the truth OP, and I hope whatever decisions you make that they are right ones, not only for your gf, but for yourself.

 

Thank you for trusting us to tell us your story and deciding which advice works best for you.

 

And truth be told, I think I can say without a doubt, we here who are questioning your gf are actually looking out for you OP and not wanting you hurt. No other bad intentions.

[SherrySher]

The main things to do now is, to see if she wants to see a counselor. See if she wants to report the rape, or if she wants to see a doctor.

 

She should be checked for STD's. I am sorry for mentioning that as I know she is going through a hard time right now, but unfortunately it is something that should be checked.

 

She might want to consider working elsewhere and definitely staying away from this man.

 

There are support groups in person or online for rape victims.

 

And you being there for her and supporting her is the best thing you can do.

 

Again, I hope everything works out for you both.