How to forgive husband for sleeping with sister

[Happy2be49]

I've thought my husband has cheated before in our marriage.I knew I caught them in a compromising situation, but did not catch them in the act. They both lied about what had happened for 2 years. Then my husband contracted an STD. By lying I got my sister to tell the truth. My husband denied until he found out I had talked to my sister. He finally admitted it. His reason for lying was to save our marriage. How do you save a marriage where you know he cheated one but believes he's been cheating for years? I've been married for 13 years and can't imagine him not in my life. But I can't imagine ever trusting him again either. We're currently separated and I'm not sure what I should do. Please help.

[abitbroken]

I could not forgive my husband if he slept with my sister and I would have difficulty forgiving my sister (unless she was very drunk/passed out and he clearly took advantage of her). I think you are right to divorce him. And it would be bad if it was a woman he met on a business trip, but the fact that it is your sister is a bigger stab in the back. I think it will be easier to imagine him not in your life when you get more distance from him. I am soo sorry that this happened to you.

 

Go to personal counseling. That is what i would do.

[IAmFCA]

Ugh. I am so sorry.

 

To be honest I would likely leave them both.

[Knight2001]

yeah. leave them both to it and start afresh. you dont need this dirt in your life.

[SherrySher]

I could never look at either of them the same again. And I would be even more upset that they lead me on for that many years.

 

I think I would want to move on, heal and leave them both behind.

[AmandaDI]

You shouldn't forgive him. Let him go. I understand it's incredibly difficult to do it after 13 years together. But you can miss the chance to find out real love, the person for whom you will mean anything.

[BrotherMister]

It's amazing how many people say they draw the line at cheating but once you are actually faced with that situation you don't really realise what you feel. Having said that, I don't think I could personally forgive that. I would recommend taking some time to yourself away from it all and working out what it is that you want to do.

[ThatwasThen]

What an awful thing for them to do to you, all I can say is: May a swarm of locusts infest both their armpits.

 

Think about counselling which will help you to process the betrayal.

[j.man]

To be honest, unless you've got children in the picture, I'd seriously consider how much more of your life you want to spend trying to process this whole thing and potentially ever forgive him.

 

For most of us, cheating on its own is enough to call it off. Add your own flesh and blood into the mix and that's going into no words, nothing to do but throw your hands up territory.

 

I'm fortunate that I've never experienced such a betrayal on multiple levels and have needed to process it, but unfortunately, this is your reality. You've got to navigate some hard, hard facts and personal reflections, preferably with a professional.

[Edmund Exley]

If he was interested in saving your marriage he wouldn't have been sleeping with your sister.

[pippy longstocking]

If he was interested in saving your marriage he wouldn't have been sleeping with your sister.

 

EDMUND ...HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME YOU ARE HERE

 

I would NOT forgive either of them ever ...

[HeartGoesOn]

Time to take out the trash...both of them!

[thealchemist]

Well he didn't come clean on his own. How do you know she was the only one? She was just the only one you got wind of and then only found out by cornering him.

 

I would dump them both.

[DancingFool]

You don't. You kick both of them out of your life permanently.

 

Way back in the day, I had a very close friend of mine get into an abusive relationship. No matter what he did to her, no matter how horrible, how abusive he was, she wouldn't leave him.....until he slept with her sister. It was like she finally woke up. Dumped him, disowned her sister. She went on to have a very happy life without those two, met and married a very nice man, and looking back to this day she doesn't understand why on earth she ever thought she couldn't leave her abuser sooner. In a perverse way she is grateful to them both for doing what they did because it freed her from them and gave her the strength and the kick that she needed to move on.

 

Please, understand that just like my friend, you absolutely can and will live a better life without this man. You deserve so much more than risking getting STD's from a cheating lying scumbag....and fck'ing your sister...really? Let yourself see red. You need to do. Forgiveness has no place here. The only thing you need to forgive is yourself for wasting 13 years of your life on this. If he ever wants forgiveness, he needs to talk a priest.

[Lizeth90]

Hi sweetie,

 

I am so so SO incredibly sorry that this happened to you! but let me tell you that after 13 years, you are simply accustomed to him and that's why it's so hard to imagine your life without him. My advice to you is to leave him. You state that him admitting to it is what saved your marriage but it sounds to me that he only admitted to it after he found out that you had spoken to your sister otherwise he would not have. I would cut them both off, cold turkey. No amount of begging and pleading would suffice. Never feel bad for cutting out negative people out of your life. Once you find yourself free from these people, you'll feel like you're finally able to breathe.

 

Definitely work on forgiving them but remember that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that you have to go back to them, interact with them, condone what they did or trust them again. Forgiving, I think, is simply a way to empower yourself instead of feeling down and helpless about it. It's telling that inner, negative voice " you, *they* screwed up and it has nothing to do with me". Your husband has, likely, cheated before. I'm a strong believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater" it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, your looks, how "good" you are, NOTHING! he's sick. If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. I just hope the poor imbecile that slept with him realizes that. You can do SO much better, hun because there is so much better. Don't be afraid to take the leap, get your child support and let your family know what happened and communicate. Those children, deserve a happy mom around them and to see that because no one treats their mommy this way, no one will treat them this way when they're older. All the luck to you and a big hug. Good luck!

[Lizeth90]

@DancingFool That last paragraph, girl! you are so right!

[agent1607307371]

I've been married for 13 years and can't imagine him not in my life.[/quote

 

Imagination is a wonderful thing where the more you use it the stronger it gets. He and your sister systematically and deliberately betrayed you for years. Give yourself the loyalty no one else seems willing to.

[Mikey383]

You can forgive... That takes a 'huge' person to forgive, with a lot of "honor" and self "value".... But, but, but, but, walk away... Once a cheater always a cheater... You can forgive your sister... But keep away from her for allowing this to happen... It takes 2 to Tango... And I agree with others... if he wanted to save your marriage, he would have never done this with your sister or anyone else to begin with... Forgiveness is letting go and starting clean/fresh.....

[Liraele]

Just so I have this clear...

 

Your husband and sister have been sleeping together for (at least) 13 years...and you want to forgive him?

 

Repeat that slowly for me a couple more times.

[SherrySher]

There is a difference between forgiving and remaining with someone who did this to you.

 

Forgiving is more for your own healing, not for them. It's so you don't have to continue walking around with this gaping wound and feeling the pain of it continuously.

 

You forgive to the extent that you won't let it affect your life anymore and you won't let it hurt you anymore. BUT it does not mean they will ever get your trust or love again.

 

They do not deserve your trust or love and they have pulled far too much of a massive betrayal to ever consider trusting either one ever again.

[IAmFCA]

It's amazing how many people say they draw the line at cheating but once you are actually faced with that situation you don't really realise what you feel. Having said that, I don't think I could personally forgive that. I would recommend taking some time to yourself away from it all and working out what it is that you want to do.

 

In my youth I never said I draw the line at cheating, nor did I when faced with it. I drew the line at boundary crossing, when he made cheating other peoples business. The H did that here, by his choice of mistress. The sister did that, by her choice of partner.

 

Life is long. We get lost. Don't bring that mess home, where it sticks to your shoes.

[IAmFCA]

You forgive by accepting the fact that they each are human, that neither is aa reliable aa you thought, and that you can move on to heal, remap your emotional landscape, and leave them to their own chaos.

 

Forgiveness does not mean you have to accept them into your life.

[Joancb]

Hi I have had the same situation I’ve only just discovered my husband cheated on me with my twin sis about 8 yrs ago but only found out last wk , she died 4 yrs ago now she was an alcoholic and he used to flirt with her when she was drunk all the time ,but I never thought he would do that in my bed and I just don’t no what to do ,I’ve never cried so much in my life I feel sick can’t eat I just want to die and the worst thing is I can’t even have it out with her ,so I can totally understand where u r coming from it’s just the worst feeling ever because you are not just losing your husband you are losing your sister to .

[Madeline]

On 11/8/2017 at 2:43 PM, Mikey383 said:

You can forgive... That takes a 'huge' person to forgive, with a lot of "honor" and self "value".... But, but, but, but, walk away... Once a cheater always a cheater... You can forgive your sister... But keep away from her for allowing this to happen... It takes 2 to Tango... And I agree with others... if he wanted to save your marriage, he would have never done this with your sister or anyone else to begin with... Forgiveness is letting go and starting clean/fresh.....

Oh no no no. Hold up! Yes, that guy’s a ***ty person for being a slug like that behind his wife’s back and that’s his issue that he clearly doesn’t really care to fix. However, i’m gonna have to stop you there when you say,” Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Reason being is because sooner or later, every person who had cheated once or twice or was a serial cheater stops for some reason or another. When my ex and I had first gotten together, it didn’t take long before i was tempted to cheat virtually while she was at work or something. She never found out but i told her the two times that i did because i genuinely felt guilty that i chose sexting a stranger over someone i had deeper feelings for. I had to learn the hard way by her leaving me and having a rebound relationship. I couldn’t do anything to stop this from happening just like how i couldn’t go back in time to change the past as much as I badly wanted to. Having to give her that space, waiting patiently, all while being forced to pray real hard on the issue and take a good look in the mirror. A year later, she and i reconcilled and eventually got back together. It was alright besides the bickering but she just felt she couldn’t date me anymore because of the bickering among other things such as my insecurities and inability to stay out of the past and forgive myself because of what i had done to hurt her. My lack of self-forgiveness had and still does affect me when i watch or listen to anything related to types of abuse or cheating. Anywho, some people have more of a potential to change than others so don’t be hard on every one who makes bad choices in life because i’m willing to bet you are no exeption to that.