Coach nerd Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Been with my wife for 15 years but got married five years ago immediately after buying a 2 million dollar home together. We also have a son who's 9 years old. I'm 36 and she's 33. A year after buying my house, I lost my job which put a tremendous amount of strain on our relationship. During that time, she went to work while I stayed home depressed for a about a month . During that time I helped out around the house, with the kids, and cook.. but I guess being that I lost my job and she was now the bread winner she lost a tremendous amount of respect for me, and it showed. During this time we also completely stopped having sex being that a woman is not attracted to a man she doesn't respect. So it created an angry and cold house hold for our family. 3 months later I went back to work but the love and respect still lacked. And we still weren't having sex. So I began texting a coworker and flirting but it never got passed flirting stage because my wife went through my phone and found out so I cut the ties with the coworker During this time she secretly began talking to an old friend that she met on one of our breaks before marriage, long story short she started sleeping with him and even began to catch feelings for him. This was in 2014 and I found out when I was on her computer in 2017. I seen text messages. Apparently she felt terrible and ended the relationship between them because he wanted more from her. And to top it off her sisters, friends, and cousins, were all friends with this guy on social networks and even having conversations. So apparently everyone knew she was screwing him behind my back except me. She didn't even have enough respect to hide it at the time. Fast forward to today, we are a happy respectful couple and our marriage is great... should I address this issue??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
appies Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Yes, do it, it will come out one way or another. Its best to confront the issues rather than harbour it and resent her. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me, but I understand things aren't always that simple Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glitterfingers Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Yes you should address it, but not immediately IMO. Take a week or two to consider how you feel about this and what you hope to get out of that conversation with your wife. I would try and handle it delicately if you want to save your marriage - e.g. wait until you are calm, then suggest that you are going to need to work through that issue with her in couples counselling because you're going to need to understand why it happened and whether you can rebuild the trust for each other. Keep in mind, it would be a bit unfair for you to blow up at her for this since you emotionally cheated first and that obviously damaged your relationship. But obviously you'll need to decide whether this is something you want to get past. Since you say you are happy in your marriage now, I'd think that you ought to address it with her from the perspective of seeking answers/counselling, rather than going in with full blown anger and accusation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight2001 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 i dont even know why you are asking this question on here. Divorce is the only way this should go. she showed you no respect because you weren't working? what a lovely woman she is. screwing around behind your back? seriously? yes, your marriage is happy now and why wouldnt it be? as long as you're working it will be, with the added bonus of her getting away with screwwing someone from her past. get rid of her and find peace and happiness either on your own or with someone who is not only concerned with the size of your pay check. good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willdation Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I would still bring it up or at least give her a chance to be honest and tell the truth and say something like - "We really need to talk. Have you always been faithful or have you slept with another guy? Now is your chance to be honest." If she cannot come clean and be really sorry, then I would consider leaving. You deserve someone who will be faithful not only when things are happy and great, but also during the worst times... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 If great, why are you here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasedonot5 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I lament "emotionally cheating" as it devalues what she did, which was actual cheating. It's unfair for posters on here to equate the two. It's like a wrist slap compared to a whip. You should absolutely address the issue. I would also advocate for being cold for a short while. There are consequences for lying and cheating. Since you are married with a kid, I suggest marriage counseling. But she should be made afraid to lose you first. A world without consequences is a scary one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fabact Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Okay I know everyone here says to divorce her but I would not act so hastily. You need to listen to Ester Perel. She's an expert at why people have affairs and how to fix a relationship from them (sometimes it's fixable sometimes it's not) . She just did a podcast talk with tony Robbins it's online and free. Just listen to it. Right now our society has a lot of shame around people who stay with their partners even though they had an affair. But the other alternative is to just end relationships left and right . It's not about the sex often. Good luck.. Its a long road to healing but I'm not of the mind that you need to dump the person immediately. Especially if both want to fix the marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Spend your money on a marriage counselor. This is a messed up relationship and you both need a third party to help you two expose what is really being felt and going on. IF after counseling you decide that the relationship cannot be saved then divorce. You both cheated, you both neglected each other and the marriage and now you think things are happy and great. Trust me you just want to believe they are great but they are far from it until these issues are out in the open and worked on. Sit down with her and tell her you want to enter into couples counseling to work through some things from the past that have never been dealt with. Tell her you want to make OUR marriage better, strong and more loving so the family can thrive and provide a healthy environment for your child. Then see if she agrees, if not then bring up that you know about her cheating and that counseling is the only way to figure out why it happened and to make sure what got you both to that place never happens again. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Confused, you didn't work for a total of 3 months, and were depressed for 1 month, and she lost respect for you? That doesn't make sense in a 15 relationship. Did she never work prior to you losing your job? Did you really pitch in around the house like she did, or did you dink around for 3 month? Which even then, hard, since you got a job within 3 months, which meant you were sending out resumes and interviewing in the 2nd month at least. Some details are missing in your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealchemist Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Okay I know everyone here says to divorce her but I would not act so hastily. You need to listen to Ester Perel. She's an expert at why people have affairs and how to fix a relationship from them (sometimes it's fixable sometimes it's not) . She just did a podcast talk with tony Robbins it's online and free. Just listen to it. Right now our society has a lot of shame around people who stay with their partners even though they had an affair. But the other alternative is to just end relationships left and right . It's not about the sex often. Good luck.. Its a long road to healing but I'm not of the mind that you need to dump the person immediately. Especially if both want to fix the marriage. If you have standards that you won't accept a cheater as a SO you are destined to leave relationships right and left? If you are being cheated on left and right by all your partners then maybe you need to be more picky and have better standards. I am a 100% if you cheat I'm out and I've been with the same person for over 13 years. Don't knock people for having standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fabact Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 If you have standards that you won't accept a cheater as a SO you are destined to leave relationships right and left? If you are being cheated on left and right by all your partners then maybe you need to be more picky and have better standards. I am a 100% if you cheat I'm out and I've been with the same person for over 13 years. Don't knock people for having standards. I'm not knocking people for having standards. I'm asking people to look at the whole picture, and perhaps forgive if that person so chooses. Trust me, I have not cheated and I'm not advocating for it. I believe in monogamous relationships. But sometimes life is not so black and white. And there's a child involved and obviously feelings. And what is cheating anyway? Were the texts that he was sending at one point cheating? Should she have left him then? Some people would consider that cheating. All I'm saying is stop shaming people for choosing to work at something rather than calling it quits. It's his choice and there are all different opinions on this forum which everyone has a right to express if asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Decide what you hope to accomplish by addressing the issue. From there, you can decide whether that outcome is worth it to you enough to raise the issue, or not. Nobody else is living your marriage or family life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. You're the one who needs to decide what's important and whether the consequences of addressing this weigh more than the consequences of not addressing it--because nobody else here will be living through the outcome except for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 so....you cheated on her and were found out...you found out she cheated on you perhaps in retaliation. I don't think this is all about your wife - you cheated, too, and have taken "breaks" during your relationship. Its not as black and white as nice guy with a cheating wife. Why did you have a child together or marry if your relationship was so shakey? If you are "happy" now or so you think - you have a choice to divorce or you have the choice to have a marriage where you just accept there is cheating. Not too many people would do the latter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EtrnalOptimist Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 being that I lost my job and she was now the bread winner she lost a tremendous amount of respect for me Seriously? In a 5 year marriage? Never mind 15yr relationship? When you most needed her? Doesn't sound like she loved or respected you to begin with. Sorry buddy, infidelity aside, your issues are more deep-rooted. Take a while to process the infidelity but your eventual conversation needs to be wider.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImokIthink Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 There are few things to take into consideration here, 1). If you hadn't been caught texting coworker, would you have proceeded to having an affair, maybe?. 2). What do you plan to resolve if you confront this individual? Although she's now happy and therefore you may be somewhat content, the fact that she hasn't come forth with the truth after all these years should somewhat be an indication that even if you do confront her, what you may be looking for as honesty from her, you may not get. She hasn't shown any remorse or doesn't even feel her behavior was wrong. It's evident that she believes she got away with it and therefore she doesn't feel the need to address it. Don't excuse her committing adultery as result of you not working. It's obvious you love her but I'm not sure if the same feelings are alive in her. And to avoid her playing the blame game if you do decide to bring it up don't be accusatory, start off by saying something along the lines of, Babe, I've been thinking lately and I'm really sorry for entertaining my coworker during us having a rough time.... I didn't mean to jeopardize our relationship because I'm certain you wouldn't do anything like that and not tell me about it and that's why I love and appreciate you so much." I mean something along those lines, take the pressure off coming off accusatory that way she have no defense mechanism to feel the need to get defensive. From there the conversation can either lead to her admitting her wrong doing and y'all reconciling but if that doesn't lead to her expressing any guilt I think you should just divorce if that's your initial plan rather than live with a liar and adulterer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted November 3, 2017 Share Posted November 3, 2017 I've been thinking lately and I'm really sorry for entertaining my coworker during us having a rough time.... I didn't mean to jeopardize our relationship because I'm certain you wouldn't do anything like that and not tell me about it and that's why I love and appreciate you so much." I mean something along those lines, take the pressure off coming off accusatory that way she have no defense mechanism to feel the need to get defensive. From there the conversation can either lead to her admitting her wrong doing and y'all reconciling but if that doesn't lead to her expressing any guilt I think you should just divorce if that's your initial plan rather than live with a liar and adulterer.Then he might as well divorce, because there is no way she's going to admit it without some sort of confrontation, especially when he's phrased it that way. "I'm certain you wouldn't do anything like that and not tell me about i?" Uh yes she would, and yes she has. And so did he, he only stopped because his wife snooped and confronted him. It's what's cheaters do. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. Look, if you HAVE to address this, preface that you love her and want to work things out, but that you found out about her cheating with Soandso (I'm sure you have his name) and that you want to hear her side of the story. Don't tell her how you know, that doesn't matter. If she gets angry at you and denies, denies, denies, or blames it on you (which most unrepentant cheaters do) THEN you know your marriage is on shaky ground and things really aren't that great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betterthanever Posted November 4, 2017 Share Posted November 4, 2017 People "leave" by cheating to escape the person they are becoming in the relationship, or become someone else again. It has as much to do about the interaction in the marriage as it does about the person cheating. It is hurtful, and hard on both parties when addressed. Shame and guilt are uncomfortable. If she is forgiving and asking for forgiveness, then it is worth trying. Find out about one another. If you could fix it overnight and it be wonderful marriage, would you? Then stay and try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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