When should I tell him about my health issues?

[boltnrun]

Question for you, Sue...would you expect a man you're dating and eventually marry to agree to have your dad live with you?

[katrina1980]

I like the idea of joining dating websites whose members also have chronic illness or other physical limitation (these websites exist), NOT so you can complain together or misery loves company, but more so because someone who shares the same 'woes' will be able to relate, and won't pressure you for more than you can given physically or emotionally.

 

I am chucking reading about all these "older" folks with so much energy! Power walks daily, out with friends every night, traveling, events, hell I am not sure "I" would have the energy for all that! lol

 

Course I work full time so.......

 

I wonder, is this age-related? Or just their natural outgoing and extroverted natures?

 

OP, while I don't agree with your seeking a man to "provide" for you, I won't judge or fault you for it.

 

Many women want that too, healthy women who don't have a chronic illness!

 

But do make an effort to research websites or events whose members are physically limited in some way.

 

The last thing you need is to meet a man who wants to go out dancing every night, or go traveling the world, as LHgirl described earlier.

 

God I am healthy and in my 30s and that would exhaust ME!!

[Starlight925]

Re: the energy that us "older folks" have, lol. Most everyone I know still works full time. It's just that people are aging so much better, doing so much more, than ever before. Everyone I know works out, watches what they eat, eats organic, etc. Many people in my age group are in better shape now than when they were in their 20's.

 

Heck, my 83 year-old dad just retired 3 years ago, and he goes to the gym 4-5 days a week. He runs circles around us all. Oh and BTW, my dad is full of health problems. He's had quadruple bypass, multiple stents, etc. He just has this amazing optimistic attitude, and he doesn't "see" himself with health issues.

 

Sue, I love the idea of finding a Meetup or similar type group for those with similar issues as yourself. It would accomplish two things: find people who manage your condition and hopefully seek out some opinions, and make friends. It seems to me that that might be a key ingredient for you, prior to finding a guy: finding some great friends.

[katrina1980]

Re: the energy that us "older folks" have, lol. Most everyone I know still works full time. It's just that people are aging so much better, doing so much more, than ever before. Everyone I know works out, watches what they eat, eats organic, etc. Many people in my age group are in better shape now than when they were in their 20's.

 

Heck, my 83 year-old dad just retired 3 years ago, and he goes to the gym 4-5 days a week. He runs circles around us all.

 

Well more power to 'em and I mean that!!!

 

I hope I can age that well!

 

My dad did, till his accident, was golfing all over the country, playing in tournaments, had friends over ALL THE TIME, after my step mom died, he was off to "single's dances" -- bless his heart he had tons of energy.

 

Hopefully I take after him and will age that well too!!

 

ETA: LHgirl, I do NOT consider 55 or even 60 "older folk."

 

I was thinking 70-80ish.

 

You have a long way to go my dear before you become an "older folk."

[figureitout23]

Question for you, Sue...would you expect a man you're dating and eventually marry to agree to have your dad live with you?

 

I actually don't have tops to any of my pots and have been reduced to using plates to cover them, is that a sign of my love life? My mind is seriously blown right now...

[Sweet Sue]

LHGirl

I totally get that! And I think you are right. If I could have scripted my life, it would turned out so differently. But we don't have that kind of power. I was married for 17 years to an attorney who provided well for me and our daughter. He left me for another woman. I went to work immediately and supported myself working two jobs until I got sick. Well, I had never had an illness that couldn't be diagnosed and treated. But this one stumped all the drs. They couldn't figure out the cause of my symptoms so they didn't know how to treat it. I continued to work for another 4 years until I was not able to perform my job. I resigned in 2009 and moved out of my appt and moved in with my dad. I had a boyfriend and he eventually left, not because of my illness, but because he didn't agree with my choice of using alternative medicine. He was also a tempermental person! LOL It wasn't until 2013 that I got a diagnosis and have been working with a qualified licensed dr of alternative medicine that has helped me significantly. I know that I will get well, but can give anyone a time frame. I see improvements to my health and and occasional setback, but I am told to expect that as I am in a state of detoxing. I applied for disability and was denied. So what do I bring financially to any relationship? Only a very small social security check since I only worked 10 years in all of my life. Had I been able to look into a crystal ball and see what was in store for me, I would have done things differently. But it is what it is. I was so happy to find love again after 7 years. In fact, he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I thought he was the real deal. I think in my heart of hearts he would have be happy to take over my medical bills (mind you, I am getting better and there will come a time when I no longer need these treatments, some of which I do at home). But I knew based on some of the things he said, that he wasn't in a good financial position and I worried about that. And he continued to date me and tell me how much he loved me and we still planned a future together.

I can't compete with a woman who is healthy and has a good job or is drawing a nice pension. I can't help what has happened to me. I never thought my life would turn out this way and I would be living off of my father. I apologize to him everyday, and I cry about feeling like a leech. You know what he says? I don't know what I would do without you! I feel that God puts you were you are needed and apparently he believes I need to be here with dad. That was what made him fall in love with me. He loved the way I looked after my dad when so many adult children put their parents in nursing homes, I take good care of him without any help, no days off and no vacation. I have missed 4 of my grandsons birthdays. And he is only 6. It makes me cry that I can't live a normal life like my friends can and I wanted to find love again and imagine my surprise when "Joe" came into my life! He brought me so much happiness if only for 7 months.

Will I ever be able to work again? I don't know. Only time will tell. I am focusing on restoring my health and caring for my dad. That's all I can do, for now.

[Sweet Sue]

Should I marry and my dad is still alive........my dad would live with us but only until his level of care changes. Right now, he can dress himself, feed himself, bathe alone, uses a walker, but does not drive. I want to take care of him for as long as I can do it. We are a package deal right now.

[Starlight925]

Sue, all of that makes me feel even firmer in my opinion: My advice is to just not date for right now. Take care of your illness. Take care of your dad. Figure out your finances. Maybe see if there are meetup groups, make new friends, see if there is a free group therapy group where you can discuss all of this.

 

Dating: Put it on the back burner for now.

[pippy longstocking]

I often ponder over this Sue ..if I date someone , at what point do I tell them I am bat sh1t crazy

[KantSleep]

Sue, I would tell your dates upfront what your issues are. You have the right to want some companionship. If it's too much for them, they will let you know. It may be difficult to find someone since you have limited finances and health problems, but that doesn't mean you should not try. Good luck and take care.

[pippy longstocking]

Sue, I would tell your dates upfront what your issues are. You have the right to want some companionship. If it's too much for them, they will let you know. It may be difficult to find someone since you have limited finances and health problems, but that doesn't mean you should not try. Good luck and take care.

 

I agree Sue , life is hard enough with illness , I can relate to that , so you enjoy it any way you can . Honesty is your friend .

[Batya33]

Sue, I would tell your dates upfront what your issues are. You have the right to want some companionship. If it's too much for them, they will let you know. It may be difficult to find someone since you have limited finances and health problems, but that doesn't mean you should not try. Good luck and take care.

 

i don't think it's about "rights" at all. She has the right to be treated with respect in general when she interacts with other human beings, whoever they are as long as she treats them with respect which I'm sure she does. No one has the "right" to a friend, a partner, a date. To me anyway having friends, dating, romantic partners, spouses -those are all blessings and privileges - not entitlements -and if you are so privileged to have that kind of relationship then you step up to the plate to maintain it, nurture it, develop it - because you don't have a right to it continuing or developing, either.

 

I don't think she should have the mindset of "entitlement" because that approach will come across in the energy she gives out -she is an adult and if her goal is to date and to be loved potentially by a romantic partner, then I agree that she needs to be upfront about the upsides and not so upsides about getting involved with her in her particular situation. And to understand that if a person declines to get involved for any reason that is his "right" not to interact with her in that way just like it would be hers not to choose to interact.

[journeynow]

How about this, whomever I "marry", I expect him to be a provider, my protector etc .......but not until then. I would expect anyone I marry to take care of me as I will take care of him. As long as I am single, I pay my own bills especially my healthcare bills.

 

It may be one thing to let him in on your health issues, but it is another to let him know you want him to pay your bills. (I may be interpreting it wrong, but that is how I understand "to be a provider".)

 

What about being a partner instead of provider/protector? Is there a difference? What if you meet a guy your age that also has ongoing medical expenses? Would you be willing to pay his bills? Could you?

[Sweet Sue]

I never asked him to pay my bills. My father pays for them. I take care of him as his caregiver, full time and in turn he gives me a roof over my head, food to eat, and anything else I need. I am a little old fashioned, maybe it was the way I was brought it, but yes, I believe that men are to be the provider in the home, to ensure his family is cared for and has all that they need. I don't have the money, if I did, I would be paying for it myself. I was married for 17 years and I was a homemaker and proud of it. I stayed home and raised our daughter while my husband worked and provided for us, just like my dad provided for my mom. Men want to be providers, it is encoded in their DNA to protect and provide. It is what I believe and yes, I have met men who agree with me. I think "Joe" would have been very happy to pay for my bills if we had married, I know that by the questions he asked me. If I was working and married guy who had health issues, we would pool our money so that he would have anything he needs should the occasion arise, but only if married.

[KantSleep]

Hi Batya33. I see your point about the word "right". That said, I perused through quite a few responses, many of which had the theme that she should focus on her health and taking care of her father, and forget about any companionship, til she rights the ship, or somehow wins the financial lottery. While part of me understands that, another part of me recognizes that she is 61 year old lady, and doesn't exactly have years to fritter away. I mean no insult by that, as I am in my mid fifties myself. So if someone told me that I have too much baggage and I might as well forget it, I would likely smart from that. So while "right" not be the perfect word, I meant to say she has desires and wants like anyone else, and should feel comfortable pursuing what makes her happy, as long as she is upfront about her potential deal-breakers. I made some personal decisions with regards to someone I dated, including his illness, which was a crap shoot regarding the long-term impact. At least I went in eyes wide open...

[abitbroken]

I never asked him to pay my bills. My father pays for them. I take care of him as his caregiver, full time and in turn he gives me a roof over my head, food to eat, and anything else I need. I am a little old fashioned, maybe it was the way I was brought it, but yes, I believe that men are to be the provider in the home, to ensure his family is cared for and has all that they need. I don't have the money, if I did, I would be paying for it myself. I was married for 17 years and I was a homemaker and proud of it. I stayed home and raised our daughter while my husband worked and provided for us, just like my dad provided for my mom. Men want to be providers, it is encoded in their DNA to protect and provide. It is what I believe and yes, I have met men who agree with me. I think "Joe" would have been very happy to pay for my bills if we had married, I know that by the questions he asked me. If I was working and married guy who had health issues, we would pool our money so that he would have anything he needs should the occasion arise, but only if married.

 

You said before that there is no one else who can take care of dad and that you missed grandson's birthday parties, etc. Ihad the picture that dad needed someone to put a spoon to his mouth and round the clock care. it seems that dad is able bodied, can care for himself and just needs someone to drive him places. This is a very different portrayal.

There is no reason on earth that you should miss your grandson's birthdays because of your dad. Either you bring dad with you (why wouldn't the great grandpa be invited?) or you go alone if its just supposed to be you because dad is okay by himself a few hours. If you can't go because you tire in the afternoon - you arrange with your family to accommodate you - you go over earlier to enjoy the birthday boy and retire to one of the rooms when you need to lie down when other afternoon guests arrive and then you rejoin the party for dessert.

 

I understand you have an illness, but i also see you using your illness to push people away.

 

Heck, if dad is in the same health (my grandma lived until 97 able bodied up until 5 months before she died) and you met someone - he could live in an in-law apartment nextdoor where you were nearby if needed or live down the street and not create a situation where its "you are marrying dad and I"

 

Maybe dad created this "caregiver" arrangement that he didn't totally 100% need so you could feel like you were doing something for the money he was giving you. Does this create any tension among siblings that dad is paying your bills?

 

Is there any way you would consider getting a part time job just for a little dignity and to help with your living expenses a bit more? There are jobs to be a morning or evening receptionist or desk person some places that would fit into your schedule of being tired in the afternoon -- even if it was just a few days a week, etc, Also, i agree with not dating right now, but men like women who are just not expecting everyone to take care of them.

[Sweet Sue]

Abitbroken...........my father cannot be alone for more than a few hours. My grandson is 4 hours away. I cannot allow my father to take his own medicine on his own, he needs supervision. He wouldn't take it. I leave food prepared for him when I go for my treatments and yet, he doesn't eat what I have prepared. He has dementia and forgets things.

I do have family members, but for reasons still unknown to me, they will not help. I have asked his church for assistance...three different times and they ignore my pleas for help. I did have a reliable neighbor who lived across the street, but moved away, another neighbor, another neighbor moved far away to Oregon, so it is not my lack of trying. I have another neighbor that can help and has been of help but only when his schedule allows. I can't even think of a job in the shape I am in now. In the future, most likely! I have to handle all of my dad's affairs...getting hims to dr apps, and I have to travel 3 hours every month for my treatments. I suffer with severe pain and fatigue. That is how I almost lost my last job. I was about to be fired, so I decided to resign. I have chronic lyme disease and if you don't know what it can do to the body, I recommend educating yourself. It is debilitating and some days I can barely get out of bed. But I don't want to focus on that....my family doesn't mind that my father supports me because if I wasn't doing it, they would have to put him in an assisted living home which would cost between $5000-$7000 a month. So, they are happy to have me here, and my dad loves having me look after him. It is a good arrangement. As my therapist often reminds me when I tell her what people think about me mooching off my dad and why I don't work?? Her reply is "You have a full time job. You look after your father. And don't worry what other people think." He thanks me everyday and I love hearing him tell me what a wonderful daughter I am to him. Sometimes, God puts you not were you want, but where you are needed.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't mean to be rude.

 

But why should a guy marry you? You come with an ailing dad who keeps you at home and the expectations of large financial support. What do you bring? Can you modify your perspective a bit to gain more independence?

[journeynow]

I do understand about chronic lyme, I know several people who have been living with it, and like you have had to find alternate and long term treatment to find a path to healing. It is a tricky thing. I also understand about caring for someone with dementia. You do have your hands full. I don't think you need to wait long to let someone you are dating know that you are on a healing and self-care regimen for Lyme.

 

(Locally, we have volunteer groups that assist with things like respite for caregivers, driving to appointments or events, etc. Our Hospice has volunteers who do it for non-hospice patients, and local towns have groups named after their towns, such as [TownName]Cares. My state also has a program to assist family members acting as caregivers for elderly. You've probably looked into things like that, but I thought I'd put it out there.)

[abitbroken]

Abitbroken...........my father cannot be alone for more than a few hours. My grandson is 4 hours away. I cannot allow my father to take his own medicine on his own, he needs supervision. He wouldn't take it. I leave food prepared for him when I go for my treatments and yet, he doesn't eat what I have prepared. He has dementia and forgets things.

I do have family members, but for reasons still unknown to me, they will not help. I have asked his church for assistance...three different times and they ignore my pleas for help. I did have a reliable neighbor who lived across the street, but moved away, another neighbor, another neighbor moved far away to Oregon, so it is not my lack of trying. I have another neighbor that can help and has been of help but only when his schedule allows. I can't even think of a job in the shape I am in now. In the future, most likely! I have to handle all of my dad's affairs...getting hims to dr apps, and I have to travel 3 hours every month for my treatments. I suffer with severe pain and fatigue. That is how I almost lost my last job. I was about to be fired, so I decided to resign. I have chronic lyme disease and if you don't know what it can do to the body, I recommend educating yourself. It is debilitating and some days I can barely get out of bed. But I don't want to focus on that....my family doesn't mind that my father supports me because if I wasn't doing it, they would have to put him in an assisted living home which would cost between $5000-$7000 a month. So, they are happy to have me here, and my dad loves having me look after him. It is a good arrangement. As my therapist often reminds me when I tell her what people think about me mooching off my dad and why I don't work?? Her reply is "You have a full time job. You look after your father. And don't worry what other people think." He thanks me everyday and I love hearing him tell me what a wonderful daughter I am to him. Sometimes, God puts you not were you want, but where you are needed.

 

Yes, I know people with Lyme Disease.

 

You can't have it both ways -- you can't be "in no shape" to get a job or leave the house, but expect to meet someone. You will meet zero men hanging around the house all day. Either spend time 100% with dad, or open up your world in any way you can just a little. Men don't find it interesting to commnicate online with someone who tells them dates consist of hanging around the house with dad to get to know you. People are married to people that caregive to relatives but usually there was a period of time during the courtship that wasn't the case.

 

Can you look into what your dad's medicare benefits are as to possibly receiving assistance from a visiting nurse or a home health aide a few times a week to give you needed respite? There are also assisted living places that offer the service of having an elderly relative come for a "vacation" where they spend the night like they are in a hotel for a night or two to give their family a break so they can go on a trip, attend to a family emergency, etc. That way you can spend these important times in your grandson's life being grandma instead of not being involved unless they travel to your dad's house.

 

Have you considered directly asking family for help. not "i could use help sometime/you should visit dad" but "i have an appointment on this day, could you come spend time with dad for a few hours so that i can go and not have to worry?" Same thing with the church. many churches have people who offer to drive seniors to church with them, or perform a specific need for them(driving them to the store, bringing a senior who is homebound a meal), but any very vague request they might have a harder time filling because its hard to know what the need actually is and seniors who have nobody often come first.

 

I strongly suggest you don't date -- but try to expand your world to just cultivate some friendships where you meet for tea or cards or a foreign language discussion group or whatever you are into to create more of a support network for yourself? Even if its just once a week and they understand you aren't always up for it . because if something happens to dad, who will you have?

[Starlight925]

I don't know if you watch Real Housewives, but Yolanda Foster/Hadid has it, and yes, it's debilitating. Her husband, David Foster, famously divorced her as the illness really did take over her life, and unfortunately, he could not/would not handle it. I hate that for her, as she married for better or worse, but he only married for the better: she was a beautiful model, with 3 gorgeous kids, with an amazing attitude. Yet, the minute she became ill, he backed away. He sucks.

 

But.....what did Yolanda do? She worked tirelessly on two things: her own treatment, and her children. She put literally everything else on the back burner: she resigned from the Housewives show, she backed away from most of her "shallow Hollywood" friendships, and she completely backed away from dating.

 

I'm not saying you're Yolanda Hadid. I'm saying that she brought a very public face to Lyme disease, and how devastating it can be. In her quest for treatment, she literally went around the world.

 

I just saw her being interviewed, and she looks amazing. She feels a ton better, and she is back to doing things with friends. She maintains her focus on her kids, but you know what she's still not doing? Dating. She said she might be ready.....soon.

 

You are probably very familiar with her story; if not, it's worth looking up, as she was so ill for so long.

 

I'm just saying.....take care of yourself first. And your dad. Men will be there, even as you get into your mid to late 60's.

 

And I will say AGAIN....especially now, knowing your disease is Lyme.....there are many support groups out there, where you could meet, talk, make friends. Who knows...maybe there will be a romantic connection eventually?

[Honeycomb8]

Yeah what exactly do you bring to the table?

 

You have some big expectations. o-o

[Seraphim]

EVERYBODY has something to bring to the table. She’s not worthless. Relationships are not entirely about money .

[mustlovedogs]

EVERYBODY has something to bring to the table. She’s not worthless. Relationships are not entirely about money .

 

Of course - but as I read it, she wants someone to take care of her. That's a lot to ask. My question wasn't sarcastic - what does she offer in exchange?

[Batya33]

Hi Batya33. I see your point about the word "right". That said, I perused through quite a few responses, many of which had the theme that she should focus on her health and taking care of her father, and forget about any companionship, til she rights the ship, or somehow wins the financial lottery. While part of me understands that, another part of me recognizes that she is 61 year old lady, and doesn't exactly have years to fritter away. I mean no insult by that, as I am in my mid fifties myself. So if someone told me that I have too much baggage and I might as well forget it, I would likely smart from that. So while "right" not be the perfect word, I meant to say she has desires and wants like anyone else, and should feel comfortable pursuing what makes her happy, as long as she is upfront about her potential deal-breakers. I made some personal decisions with regards to someone I dated, including his illness, which was a crap shoot regarding the long-term impact. At least I went in eyes wide open...

 

I never said she should forget companionship. I suggested she meet people and date people. However, right now, I don't think she is in a position to be in a serious long term relationship or marriage given her situation and her expectations that that person would be a provider for her in her particular situation. That could change of course.