My girlfriend has pretty bad personal hygiene - how best to help her?

[pippy longstocking]

I think the OP perhaps doesn't have much experience with working class people? And the girl he is dating has used her poverty to explain her habits so he thinks that all working class or poorer people are like this. They are not!!!. This girl is an extreme case, certainly one I've never come across before.

 

yeah , fair enough ...

 

I have come across dirty families before , in passing ..... but that was upbringing not poverty / class .... if parents are like that , the kids are like that , the chain doesn't end

[RomanticFool]

I didn't mean to make out most working class English people live like that, they absolutely don't. But it's like you've pointed out, if the parents are like that, the kids are like that - it's a self perpetuating cycle.

I absolutely get that it's not predominantly a poverty thing, there's a big element of it being her own fault, and that of her mum for not bringing her up properly. I just don't like judging her for that.

 

I'll have a proper chat with her and make it clear she needs to sort it out, it's just finding a way not to hurt her too badly by telling her other people think of her like this.

[Helpmesavethis]

I didn't mean to make out most working class English people live like that, they absolutely don't. But it's like you've pointed out, if the parents are like that, the kids are like that - it's a self perpetuating cycle.

I absolutely get that it's not predominantly a poverty thing, there's a big element of it being her own fault, and that of her mum for not bringing her up properly. I just don't like judging her for that.

 

I'll have a proper chat with her and make it clear she needs to sort it out, it's just finding a way not to hurt her too badly by telling her other people think of her like this.

 

I wouldn't tell her about "us". That would likely hurt her more. Just be open and honest with her about how YOU feel about it...

[RomanticFool]

No, I won’t, that wasn’t what I was getting at. I was trying to say, I’ll approach it from the point of view of being concerned about her, and being concerned about what people might think of her and how that might affect her life.

[pippy longstocking]

No, I won’t, that wasn’t what I was getting at. I was trying to say, I’ll approach it from the point of view of being concerned about her, and being concerned about what people might think of her and how that might affect her life.

 

^^^^ This is so important .... I worked a long time ago with a girl , lovely girl , but she smelt .. She had to be taken to one side and it had to be said to her ..I imagine she felt truly terrible , I know the person telling her didn't feel too great .

 

I have also worked in a place were we got regular customers and one of them stunk to high heaven ..he had to be told ...

 

You love her ..the rest of the society doesn't and she is vulnerable to bullying , being disrespected , humiliated , losing friends , gossiped about ... You are both young , but you seem very serious , I know it is in the future , but if it is the case that you live together and have children , how will she bring those children up , I dont imagine she would keep a house particularly sweet if she cannot tend to herself . The knock on effect is huge .

 

I know this is jumping ahead ten years and ultimately it is her choice how to live , and the worrying thing is , she has already shown she knows and doesn't care ...it might be that you can't change this situation , but I would certainly lay a few facts out for her as kindly as you can .

[pippy longstocking]

I have just copy and pasted this ..but this could be another avenue in to letting her know hygiene is paramount

 

* "Most of us know the pre-sex rituals before having sex like maintaining our personal hygiene, and you can never be reminded enough. Being health-conscious before, during and after sex helps prevent vaginal and urinary tract infections.

 

While your vagina cleans itself naturally and you shouldn't use any harsh soaps to cleanse it, jumping into the shower or wiping it with a hygienic wipe isn't a bad idea to help get rid of any bacteria that might be there. "Keeping the vagina clean is important to do after having sex. Cleaning the vagina after sex helps avoid future infections that can occur after having sexual contact. Sexual lubricants, bacteria from the fingers, mouth and rectum can increase your chance of developing a yeast or bacterial infection. If you are able to take a bath or shower after having sex this helps reduce yeast or bacterial infections. Using an intimate wash on the vagina is the perfect way to remove unwanted bacteria build-up in and around your lady parts,"

[annie24]

If she only brushes every few days, she's going to have a ton of dental problems as she ages. Her teeth will rot and it will be painful and expensive to fix. What was the last time she went to a dentist for a checkup?

 

Honestly - I don't know how you do it. If I were dating a guy who didn't take a shower after a workout, that would be a no-go. Bad breath too. I'm not sure how you put up with that. I don't care if he's Orlando Bloom or Chris Hemsworth or whoever. If he smells that stanky, no thanks!! Like the others said, soap and water and toothpaste are pretty cheap, all in all. You don't need to use the most expensive brands, even the dollar store variety are just fine.

[RomanticFool]

We're best friends, though, I've dated a fair few girls and I've never been with someone I have so much in common with and find it so easy to get along with. I can kind of forgive her a lot, I've never had a girlfriend who I trust and care about quite as much, and who I know cares about me the same.

As for her teeth, she told me once that she'd never been to the dentist in her life. I think she'd be worried to go for fear of what she'd find, she said to me once that her teeth don't hurt her so she'd rather not find out if there are any problems, because she couldn't afford to fix them if there were.

To be honest her teeth are the thing I'm most worried about from a health point of view, seeing as it's the hardest thing to fix later on. I'll try to show her that she needs to take much better care of them.

[annie24]

Yeah, she definitely needs to see a dentist. It's easier to fix problems sooner rather than later, and they often have different payment options. She needs to get them checked up and get any problems taken care of. Please hopefully you can talk her into going.

[itsallgrand]

Would it be accurate to say her family is working class though even? It sounds like there isn't adults providing, but rather an income coming from the state and many dependent children?

 

I'm not British, I'm Canadian. We have families here too who are not working poor, but living below or near poverty line with whole generations dependent on the state. I have friends who've come from that background, and I've worked in that system. I came from a working class background.

 

It's a health issue. And it is important for gaining and keeping employment. For securing a good place to live. For being able to fully get access to opportunities.

 

There are free classes here ( don't know about there) for adults and kids in the system to learn about things they may not have learned growing up at home. About health, nutrition, employment, etc.

 

Just be honest with her , it's not about what people think, it's about her wellbeing. Show her facts, not emotion, and it's not about judging her. It's just giving her a different perspective to think about. Going from ' bathing is a luxury', to 'bathing is an important part of taking care of oneself'.

 

If you can have sex with her, you can talk about this right?

[annie24]

I agree ^^

 

Also, I think that this lack of hygiene will impact her life - no one wants to work with Stinky Sally or whatever. She could get passed up for jobs and promotions, just because they don't want to sit in the same office as her.

[yatsue]

Oh my word, I had to stop eating after reading the opening about your girlfriend's terrible hygiene...seriously buy her baking soda and a tooth brush at least. It can be used for everything: hair, body, teeth. It is extremely cheap and available, probably around one dollar a box. There is no excuse to not be cleanly to at least a basic level.

 

Even though I'm an American, knowing we can be over cleanly at times, I do know basic healthy human hygiene consists of washing everything at least once every few days, while washing high bacteria infested places such as your face/mouth, armpits, and groin area every day. This is so bacteria doesn't become opportunistic and lead to pathogen based illnesses, as mentioned by others.

 

Teeth can be extra important to clean more than once daily because they're so sensitive. Heck I have great oral hygiene, which was pointed out by my dentist, and I still get a couple cavities because my molars have very deep grooves that are hard to clean. I do not doubt her and your concerns about the state of her teeth. She can definitely minimize the damage by starting very good oral hygiene now along with an enamel restoring mouth wash.

 

Really, she has let herself go. She needs a stern talking to by someone on how this is not good for her overall health. If you are the only one to do it, do emphasize that you are concerned for her health as well as yours. Being so close to her, I would worry about you catching something from her. Help by buying her those two basic items for starters and, if she cannot obtain good water sources otherwise, point her out to some of the washing facilities at school. There may be a gym with showers or sinks large enough for a sponge bath. She can at least take quick overall body showers; I have at school sinks before (don't ask why).

 

Now, excuse me, I feel the urgent need to take a shower now.

[pinkfang]

I have 2 words that should be real real helpful. Shower sex.

[SherrySher]

When you mentioned the plague bit, I literally gagged..omg that's gross!!!

 

You need to tell her that she needs to wash more and brush her teeth. I mean, come on! She's a grown adult. No way would I put up with that nastiness.

 

That's not poverty, that's laziness!!

[pippy longstocking]

I have 2 words that should be real real helpful. Shower sex.

 

Good girl ..I like it

[pippy longstocking]

We're best friends, though, I've dated a fair few girls and I've never been with someone I have so much in common with and find it so easy to get along with. I can kind of forgive her a lot, I've never had a girlfriend who I trust and care about quite as much, and who I know cares about me the same.

As for her teeth, she told me once that she'd never been to the dentist in her life. I think she'd be worried to go for fear of what she'd find, she said to me once that her teeth don't hurt her so she'd rather not find out if there are any problems, because she couldn't afford to fix them if there were.

To be honest her teeth are the thing I'm most worried about from a health point of view, seeing as it's the hardest thing to fix later on. I'll try to show her that she needs to take much better care of them.

 

darling let me tell you , because I understand you are 18 .....so I don't expect you to know how the system works ...... she gets free NHS dental treatment and will do into her 18th year ... then if she is still at school she will fill in an exemption form that the dentist will give her for when she turns 19 and the free treatment will carry on .

 

No , we can't get implants and shiney Hollywood teeth , but ...we get them cleaned , we get them filled , we get bridges and crowns ..all free ...she has no excuse , her mum should know this because you said she is unemployed which means she will be on benefits and also gets free dental care ..as will the two younger siblings .

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry but I am having a hard time understanding how you can be sexually intimate with someone that has not showered in a week! It speaks to your own lack sensibilities, values and standards to be honest. Genitals are NOT self-cleaning and anyone who has been in a public washroom stall after someone that is not clean can attest that they don't smell like flowers either.

 

If I were you, I'd have a scented bath waiting for her when she graces you with her company and I'd educate her on how to keep herself socially acceptable before she's unable to keep a job because of her personal stench or before some stranger lets her know without worrying about her feelings.

 

Her lack of personal care has zero to do with poverty. She is not living on the street and has no access to water or a dollar bar of soap.

[RomanticFool]

Thought I’d just post an update - I had a chat with her earlier today about her hygiene. She was pretty upset, burst into tears and everything, but I don’t think she was upset with me, more that she hadn’t realised I thought it was this bad.

 

Apparently her mum has always told her and her sisters that it’s fine to shower only once a week, and that it helps save money in terms of using less electricity for the shower, and that’s more or less what they’ve always done since they were young. She also said that one reason she’s been reluctant to have a shower is that their flat smells pretty dirty anyway, and that even when she’s just showered, her clothes and her hair smell again really soon after spending any time at home.

She promised me that she’ll shower once every other day in future, or once every three days at absolute least, and that on the nights she doesn’t shower, she’ll wash her feet and genitals with a flannel and some soap. We’ve also worked out some nights when she can come round to my house and have a shower, if her mum doesn’t want her to use the shower at home more often. I also bought her some cheap new pairs of shoes, because she only owns two pairs at the minute and they both really stink, so that her feet smell really bad as soon as she puts them on, even if she’s just showered.

 

As for her teeth, I think she was a bit ashamed of letting them get this bad, she told me she’d be embarrassed to go to a dentist and she’d also be really worried about how bad it really was. But she’s agreed that she’ll start brushing twice a day, and she’s going to book an appointment to see the dentist soon. She asked me to have a look inside her mouth and see how bad things were, her breath stank really badly but her teeth themselves weren’t anything like as bad as I was afraid they might be. They were pretty dirty and stained, but I could only see two fairly small cavities- so hopefully she might get away without needing too much done.

 

Thanks for trying to help, everyone, and hopefully things will be a lot better in the future. She’s already had a shower and brushed her teeth after our chat earlier, I’ll just have to make sure she keeps to her promise and makes sure she’s clean in the future. As for how I could be with someone who hasn’t showered for ages, I get why some of you think it’s a bit disgusting, I probably would have thought the same before I started going out with her. It’s just I genuinely do care about her a great deal, she’s an incredibly lovely person, and I guess I’ve been too willing to put up with her dirtiness just because I didn’t want to damage our relationship. But I think things will hopefully be better now.

[pippy longstocking]

Oh how wonderful to read , you are a very nice young man and very kind x I wish you both the best

[RomanticFool]

Thank you so much, if you knew her you’d see why she deserves someone to be kind to her.

[pippy longstocking]

Thank you so much, if you knew her you’d see why she deserves someone to be kind to her.

 

I think that is really why we have been a little harsh about it , because we know she doesn't deserve the bullying and cruelty she will get through life if she doesn't sort this out .

For the record , I do believe what she said about the shower and her mum putting restrictions on all of them , it does burn through the electric and gas and living on the bread line , as I suspect her mother did , as did her parents and her parents , these little habits follow down through the family and I do get that . I remember a time of bath sharing , one in , next one in in the same water once the first was out .

 

I believe she does deserve love and kindness and so do you .

[True Story]

With the shower issue, why not suggest filling a bucket with water instead of letting the shower run. It's what I do, though i'm not on a tight budget, it's a great way to not waste water.

[MissCanuck]

It is good that you talked to her, OP. She needs to get herself cleaned up if she expected to lead a decent life, for reasons we've already stated. I am sure she felt embarrassed but it's so much better to address it now than wait until a health issues or some other social embarrassment arises. It was very kind of you to get her some new shoes and offer your own home shower, and I do hope she takes you up on the showering.

 

The one point I would continue to insist on is that she get to a dentist. You looking inside her mouth doesn't cut it, as you aren't trained to detect dental problems in the making (ie. early signs of cavities, micro-cracks in the enamel, gum problems) nor can your eyes do what an x-ray or scan can. Many dental problems are not visible to the naked eye. That is why she very much needs a professional to examine her before matters get any worse. That horrible breath might not be only from a lack of brushing. There could be other problems causing it, too. You can reassure her that a good dentist isn't going to embarrass her; in fact, they will likely be glad she's taking control of the situation and doing something about it that could prevent problems in the future.

 

She is lucky in many ways that this is coming from you, and relatively early in her life. As she gets older, people around her won't be so forgiving and it could be a lot worse for her. Let's hope she listens to your concerns and takes the correct course of action.

[orphansparrow]

*edit* Forget all this - sorry! I didn't see that you had already talked to her. Good luck - you both sound like wonderful people.

 

I think you can tell her the truth without really hurting her. You might slightly embarrass her, but I think you can talk through it. Just be really gentle, and start the conversation by telling her all the things you told us - "you're my best friend, I love you no matter what, I think you're so kind/beautiful/the best thing ever, etc." Then say that you're a little concerned about her lack of hygiene. Tell her that it isn't healthy in the long run to not bathe, and to not brush your teeth. Tell her about your concerns with germs, her health/your health. Read some online facts about oral hygiene, brushing and flossing, and tell her about your concerns over what you learned. Tell her it's silly for her to have to worry about her breath, and that she could stop worrying if she just took care of herself in that way. Tell her how proud you are of her for being an active person and taking care of her body in that regard. Tell her that you'd never want to hurt her feelings, but that you really would prefer that she brush and wash more often. Let her know that if she doesn't want to, you of course love her no matter what. Tell her that you hope you didn't hurt her feelings, that you were afraid to bring it up, but that you thought it might help her get healthier, and feel better about herself. If she shows any sort of negative reaction, tell her immediately and gently that you are sorry, and that you really love her. You've got to be really sensitive and reassuring in relationships. If she is sane and aware and loves you at all, this should not be a very big problem.

[abitbroken]

Apparently her mum has always told her and her sisters that it’s fine to shower only once a week, and that it helps save money in terms of using less electricity for the shower, and that’s more or less what they’ve always done since they were young. She also said that one reason she’s been reluctant to have a shower is that their flat smells pretty dirty anyway, and that even when she’s just showered, her clothes and her hair smell again really soon after spending any time at home.

 

That is so sad. How about telling her if she is worried about money, she can always shower at your place? I was also going to make the suggestion make showers part of intimacy -- take a couples shower in an intimate way. But since she understands now -- watch how she does going forward. For Christmas get her a regular gift and then get her some pretty scented shower gels or fun hair stuff or lip balm. People give those things as gifts even to people that shower frequently