My boyfriend won't defend me

[catfeeder]

What do you want him to do?

[Jinjimmynie]

What do you want him to do?

 

I asked him if he could ask his sister to stop. That it's getting way out of hand. Hating me is one thing but deliberately ruining me to their family is just a whole new level. Actually even just humiliating me or targetting me is uncalled for considering i never did anything. Or he could at least tell his relatives that the rumors arent true, or at help me prove them otherwise and help me establish a better relationship with his family. I know these are things one could do by themselves but ive tried talking to the sister before (for a different issue) and she was having none of whatever i say. I dont think the relatives will be too welcoming to me either. As far as they know, im a gold digging and boyfriend beating girlfriend. He dismissed all options and refused to acknowledge how terrible this is making me feel.

[thealchemist]

It does sound like you should be able to ignore what she is doing a bit better. The things it sounds like she calls you are pretty juvenile and most people shouldn't believe that crap. It is also a sister, not even a parent.

 

On the same note, as a boyfriend I would not just sit by and just ignore you when you are getting this upset over something. Him not standing up for you now is a good indicator of future behavior. I couldnt possibly be with someone who dismisses me and does nothing at all.

[chitown9]

It sounds like the boyfriend does not like confrontation. Who is this extended family? I would have a talk with them if I were you. Set the record straight.:single_eye: chi

[j.man]

So if you're expecting she hates you because you caused a rift between her and her now ex, why do you think a rift between your boyfriend and him will serve your situation any better? I'm not sure what you want your guy to do about her facebook posts and rumor spreading (assuming you could even prove she's the one doing it).

 

You dispel rumors by not giving people a reason to believe them. Getting defensive over them or, worse, having someone else get defensive over them for you is probably the worst way to go about not giving weight to rumors. Kill 'em with kindness.

[j.man]

So if you're expecting she hates you because you caused a rift between her and her now ex, why do you think a rift between your boyfriend and him will serve your situation any better? I'm not sure what you want your guy to do about her facebook posts and rumor spreading (assuming you could even prove she's the one doing it).

 

You dispel rumors by not giving people a reason to believe them. What evidence could she possibly have for you to need to "prove otherwise?" Getting defensive over them or, worse, having someone else get defensive over them for you is probably the worst way to go about not giving weight to rumors. Kill 'em with kindness.

[Jinjimmynie]

So if you're expecting she hates you because you caused a rift between her and her now ex, why do you think a rift between your boyfriend and him will serve your situation any better? I'm not sure what you want your guy to do about her facebook posts and rumor spreading (assuming you could even prove she's the one doing it).

 

You dispel rumors by not giving people a reason to believe them. What evidence could she possibly have for you to need to "prove otherwise?" Getting defensive over them or, worse, having someone else get defensive over them for you is probably the worst way to go about not giving weight to rumors. Kill 'em with kindness.

 

And you think i havent been kind? This has been going on for years. I've ignored it for a long time and it has never, ever helped. And the rumors and the reactions just keep getting worse. I remember the last time i had dinner along with his family and his cousin was seated beside me. I striked a conversation and she literally refused to answer me, stood up from her chair and sat beside the sister. I did not mention it to the SO as it was his send off party and i didnt want to ruin it for him.

 

Im sorry but it may work for some but kindness has gotten me NOWHERE. What irks me is that not only is the SO refusing to do anything about it, he thinks all this is completely healthy. It was a minor thing at the start and has escalated despite my inaction. I want to develop a better relationship with his family but i cant exactly do that when they refuse to even talk to me.

 

But hey if you think its perfectly acceptable for people to act this way, then i cant really do anything about that.

[DancingFool]

The sister sounds like quite a handful and I would guess that your bf knows better than to try and take her on. I would follow his example on that in terms of ignoring her and keeping away from her drama. He is speaking from a lifetime of experience here.

 

As unpleasant as it may be for you that she is saying crazy things about you, you also need to realize that people will look at you as a person, look at who you are and how you act and then judge for themselves. If someone paints you as this crazy bf beating psycho, but people meet you and see this kind, sweet girl, they will quickly conclude that the sister is full of it. That doesn't mean that his cousins will rush to be your pals. Remember that long standing family dynamics trump you. Just keep in mind that people are way smarter than to accept crazy rumors at face value.

 

As j.man said, kill 'em with kindness and that's truly your best path. By your own admission you get along with his parents just fine. So assume that they also know the lesser qualities of their daughter and know better than to believe her bs and will see you for whoever you show yourself to be and reach their own conclusions about you. Don't get so sensitive about the sister that you actually fall right into her drama. Be smarter than that.

[Jinjimmynie]

The sister sounds like quite a handful and I would guess that your bf knows better than to try and take her on. I would follow his example on that in terms of ignoring her and keeping away from her drama. He is speaking from a lifetime of experience here.

 

As unpleasant as it may be for you that she is saying crazy things about you, you also need to realize that people will look at you as a person, look at who you are and how you act and then judge for themselves. If someone paints you as this crazy bf beating psycho, but people meet you and see this kind, sweet girl, they will quickly conclude that the sister is full of it. That doesn't mean that his cousins will rush to be your pals. Remember that long standing family dynamics trump you. Just keep in mind that people are way smarter than to accept crazy rumors at face value.

 

As j.man said, kill 'em with kindness and that's truly your best path. By your own admission you get along with his parents just fine. So assume that they also know the lesser qualities of their daughter and know better than to believe her bs and will see you for whoever you show yourself to be and reach their own conclusions about you. Don't get so sensitive about the sister that you actually fall right into her drama. Be smarter than that.

 

Thank you for this. Any advice on how to ignore it? Sometimes though it becomes too much to bear. How i wish i could be a person who doesnt give a damn about what people think but a part of me truly wants his family to like me, or at the very least, respect me as a person.

 

My worst fear is this continuing, if (just assuming here) we get married. i get it that the sister is there to stay, but if she continues acting like that and i dont think i can handle a lifetime of that kind of emotional and mental stress. I love my boyfriend but it can be exhausting if he's not even gonna acknowledge this ty situation right now.

[Jinjimmynie]

It sounds like the boyfriend does not like confrontation. Who is this extended family? I would have a talk with them if I were you. Set the record straight.:single_eye: chi

 

His cousins. They're a tight knit group and the SO is very close with them.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for this. Any advice on how to ignore it? Sometimes though it becomes too much to bear. How i wish i could be a person who doesnt give a damn about what people think but a part of me truly wants his family to like me, or at the very least, respect me as a person.

 

My worst fear is this continuing, if (just assuming here) we get married. i get it that the sister is there to stay, but if she continues acting like that and i dont think i can handle a lifetime of that kind of emotional and mental stress. I love my boyfriend but it can be exhausting if he's not even gonna acknowledge this ty situation right now.

 

I've found it helpful to avoid creating my own stress by carrying assumptions about what anyone else may say or think or how they will behave. Instead, I adopt a convenient case of amnesia and treat everyone as kindly as I would a stranger whose path has crossed mine. So a simple hello is always on the table, regardless of whether it's reciprocated, and from there I can regard anyone else's rudeness as a reflection on them, not me.

 

A popular mindset is called 'stupid and cheerful,' with stupid not meant as literally as acting like a fool, but rather an obliviousness toward insult. When you don't 'get' any intended malicious meanings, then they can't penetrate, and this serves like Teflon where everything just rolls right off you as you change subjects or otherwise remain cheerful and pleasant.

 

You can limit the scope of your direct involvement with SO's family. Send cards and gifts in lieu of attending any events hosted by anyone who has been cruel, but otherwise attend and stay close to any allies within the family. Stay busy helping hosts with food prep, cleaning up, mixing or delivering drinks, and you'll coast your way through without sitting like a lump and sulking. Your help will also be appreciated, which undermines anybody's preformed conclusions.

 

Head high.

[RedDress]

This thread is already quite long - I just had a few thoughts that might be helpful.

 

I agree that the best way to tackle this is to kill with kindness and handle things with grace.

 

Have you ever watched a (good) politician be asked a clearly attacking question by a reporter? A good politician will smile, thank the reporter for the question, state their position in a sentence or two and move on to another topic. They don't engage in the debate or lose their cool. They recognize that will just make them come out looking worse. It's a skill, really. One that would be helpful for you in this situation.

 

I do tend to agree that getting your bf involved will only make things worse. If she is saying that you are controlling, gold-digging, bf-beating - anything he says will come across as "proof" that you made him say it and that you are controlling.

 

If it helps empathize with her at all - I would bet that she is highly embarrassed by her actions with her ex. Every time she looks at you, she is likely reminded of her own actions and so it's MUCH easier for her to go into "attack" mode then it is for her to remember that she is a horrible person. It's a defense mechanism. It's so that if you ever decide to call her out, it will just look more like the petty feud between the two of you.

 

The only way to make that go away is to be the bigger person, To consistently be kind and to not react to any of the stuff she throws your way.

 

As others have said, your grace and kindness will not go unnoticed by others. They may try to still stay out of it and keep their distance - but it will not go unnoticed.

[abitbroken]

Hi. I think you're misunderstanding the last paragraph. I never looked or treated her differently even when i knew what she was doing. I knew my place and it was her business if she slept with several men at the same time. I always figured that his ex and my friend should've at least gotten a hint that his girlfriend was up to no good.

 

This was such a huge issue that you mentioned it to us, so trust me, it is coming out in your actions --- it could be subtle and she is picking up on it, or you simply have a prejudice against her and *expect* that she acts out, *expect* that she makes bad decisions. She also could perceive you as a whistle blower who wrecked things for her too. My ex SIL -- i would always be braced for something when she was around and then i realized half the problem as me because i as EXPECTING her to be an attitude or do something crazy -- so i was "ready" for it if that makes any sense.

 

There are people who have generally nice families -- but then have that one relative who is a doozey. if you are lucky, that person is a second cousin or someone rarely scene. In your case, its his sister. If you guys are young -- is she even younger and therefore not quite mature yet? If people handle their nutty relative in a way that doesn't suck them in and do not reward their behavior, they have often figured out how to deal with them way before you came along. I don't think your boyfriend is dismissive -- i think he is telling you he loves you and what his sister thinks does not matter. His parents are fond of you - and that's 3/4 to 90 percent of the battle. If she said something at dinner, they would say something -- but she uses Facebook because she knows how to get you. Also, women more so than men are very sensitive to perceived slights. But then again -- you could be reading WAY into her comments as well. Does she actually start things in front of the parents or in person?

 

6 years is a very long time, but a lifetime is a whole lot longer.

Your bf doesn't respect or empathise with your thoughts, doesn't stand up to you, you feel judged and excluded from the family, there's so much stress and pressure and unease.

AND your bf still hasn't proposed either?

 

It's time to break up.

 

I don't think its right to expect the boyfriend to say "sis, you said something on facebook that my gf didn't like, so stop it". If she said something in front of the boyfriend and you - then that's another story. But you need to set your own boundaries. Why not unfollow or block her on facebook? Its your facebook page and your rules, you know?

[indea08]

If I were you, this is exactly what I would do. (Keep in mind I'm quite bold, but I think my husband's family kind of respects me for that.)

 

When she drops an inappropriate comment and you're around to hear it, deal with it right then and there. "You know, I really don't appreciate your snarky comments. I don't believe they're meant as jokes and frankly I'm tired of tolerating them, so if you wouldn't mind, please try to be respectful of me, and I'll do the same for you." If she continues to go on and on, then just say you're adults and you're not going to argue, and leave. And at the next family gathering, if it happens again, give her the same shpiel. "I've asked you once, this is the last time I'll be polite about it. We aren't children, so STOP." I can't imagine his family would continue to believe her bullsh*t gossip if you've maturely drawn the line, especially if you've had to reinforce multiple times.

 

If you don't like how someone is treating you, don't allow it. If your boyfriend wants to be a coward, handle it yourself. I think that's a respectable quality in a person, not something his family would think was childish/crazy/whatever it is you're worried about.

 

Also wanted to add, by doing nothing, you are allowing her to push you to further resent your boyfriend and effectively ruin your relationship....

[milly007]

If I were you, this is exactly what I would do. (Keep in mind I'm quite bold, but I think my husband's family kind of respects me for that.)

 

When she drops an inappropriate comment and you're around to hear it, deal with it right then and there. "You know, I really don't appreciate your snarky comments. I don't believe they're meant as jokes and frankly I'm tired of tolerating them, so if you wouldn't mind, please try to be respectful of me, and I'll do the same for you." If she continues to go on and on, then just say you're adults and you're not going to argue, and leave. And at the next family gathering, if it happens again, give her the same shpiel. "I've asked you once, this is the last time I'll be polite about it. We aren't children, so STOP." I can't imagine his family would continue to believe her bullsh*t gossip if you've maturely drawn the line, especially if you've had to reinforce multiple times.

 

If you don't like how someone is treating you, don't allow it. If your boyfriend wants to be a coward, handle it yourself. I think that's a respectable quality in a person, not something his family would think was childish/crazy/whatever it is you're worried about.

 

Also wanted to add, by doing nothing, you are allowing her to push you to further resent your boyfriend and effectively ruin your relationship....

 

I agree with Indea. It's reached a point where, if I were in your shoes, I'd say something.

 

I actually had to pipe up once at a family gathering when my sister-in-law made a few comments that made my family and I uncomfortable. I let her know that her comments were making all of us uncomfortable. She got her back up a bit, which I think is completely normal, but I had to let her know that I couldn't let her comments continue.

 

After I said what I had to say, it was somewhat uncomfortable because we still had to sit through dinner (at their house), however it had to be said, and she hasn't made any similar comments since. We're also very civil with each other, and it helps that we're both pretty mature about it.

 

Having to go through that sucked though because I never thought my brother would marry someone who made me that uncomfortable, but it is what is, and things are better now. I just want everyone to get along and be happy, that's it.

 

I can only tolerate crap for so long before I have to pipe up and say something. Not sure if this would make things worse for you though, as your SO's sister sounds like she could be pretty stubborn and may not react in the most rational way.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for this. Any advice on how to ignore it? Sometimes though it becomes too much to bear. How i wish i could be a person who doesnt give a damn about what people think but a part of me truly wants his family to like me, or at the very least, respect me as a person.

 

My worst fear is this continuing, if (just assuming here) we get married. i get it that the sister is there to stay, but if she continues acting like that and i dont think i can handle a lifetime of that kind of emotional and mental stress. I love my boyfriend but it can be exhausting if he's not even gonna acknowledge this ty situation right now.

 

You take her off of facebook - you block her so she can't reach out like that. That's how you "ignore" it.

[Flipper15]

I have just been in the same situation after 4 years together and very close. His sister caused a lot of problems. Then some other family members to follow. I tried and tried again despite remarks towards me. But we have now split. He told me it was other stuff, but his friend has told me it was because of the rift between his family and I. He never stuck up for me, ever. I never asked him to choose either. But accepted I tried. But in the end he's seen it as a choosing game and we're no longer together, infact won't even speak to me at all after all that time together and talked about our future together. Best thing is to communicate. It caused rows between us because we didn't communicate about it