Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[Batya33]

"I feel like I've "lost" somehow if I just disappear."

 

When you wrote that, when you chose those words, I interpreted that to mean you would feel like someone else "won" or was "right". Thanks for clarifying and your pleas that I not observe that you just want to be right were based entirely on what you wrote and what was to me a very reasonable interpretation of what you wrote.

[Lightjocj]

I agree with the above posters. I to was very defensive after my breakup. (For me) I wanted it suger coated. And if somebody told me to forget about my ex I just stopped asking them for advice. Others just listened and let me vent. But I always tried to hear what they had to say. Good and bad. Ofcorse I didn't want to hear the bad, but it was essentiall that I did hear it. It is the same old cookie cutter advice , but it's not all wrong. It's a win win in most cases actually . If you move forward in your life( not forgetting him) and he doesn't come back you will have become a new improved you. If you move forward ( not forgetting him) and he does come back he will see a strong independent person..something to always remember (((Confidence = attraction))) ..both put you in a good position. I think in general that's what alot of us are trying to say.

[MissCanuck]

You know, I actually have thought about stopping my postings. But, and while this may sound ridiculous, I feel like I've "lost" somehow if I just disappear. I almost feel obligated to keep posting even when it stresses me out. This is no one's fault but my own.

 

That, and I feel pretty lonely because this place is my only outlet to talk about this stuff as of right now.

 

*headdesk*

 

Lost what, exactly?

[valavoo]

Lost what, exactly?

 

Lost a source of venting. Lost myself. Lost...something. I've had the feeling that, to be honest, others have wanted me to leave and I feel like if i DO leave I'm giving in to that. Of course this is possibly the anxiety talking, but it does occasionally feel like my presence is nothing more than annoying.

 

Though I do really like facilitating discussion with others [including others that disagree with me] I guess I feel uncomfortable doing that sometimes.

[valavoo]

"I feel like I've "lost" somehow if I just disappear."

 

When you wrote that, when you chose those words, I interpreted that to mean you would feel like someone else "won" or was "right". Thanks for clarifying and your pleas that I not observe that you just want to be right were based entirely on what you wrote and what was to me a very reasonable interpretation of what you wrote.

 

Don'tcha worry about it. Sorry for being unclear!

[valavoo]

I agree with the above posters. I to was very defensive after my breakup. (For me) I wanted it suger coated. And if somebody told me to forget about my ex I just stopped asking them for advice. Others just listened and let me vent. But I always tried to hear what they had to say. Good and bad. Ofcorse I didn't want to hear the bad, but it was essentiall that I did hear it. It is the same old cookie cutter advice , but it's not all wrong. It's a win win in most cases actually . If you move forward in your life( not forgetting him) and he doesn't come back you will have become a new improved you. If you move forward ( not forgetting him) and he does come back he will see a strong independent person..something to always remember (((Confidence = attraction))) ..both put you in a good position. I think in general that's what alot of us are trying to say.

 

Yes yes, of course. This is absolutely right and I do both agree AND am already trying to do that.

 

 

Since this wasn't clear already, I'll try to say it clearly now. I appreciate the different types of advice and perspectives given here. Whether or not I "agree" with them is irrelevant. Discussion is discussion. So long as people don't subscribe to the idea that there's only ONE way to go about things post-breakup or attack others, I don't really have a problem. It's all valuable in the end, I think.

[Doc Blaze]

Well I got my ex back:

 

 

I worked on myself, i started working out, lost 30 pounds, got my confidence back, started working hard at work, meeting new people, old friends

 

took a break from social media,

 

 

and Tuesday night less than 2 weeks ago i got a message from her saying, small talk, then "i was thinking about trying us again".

 

 

This was it, what ive been waiting for, But with NC and time to work on myself, time to think more logically and not so much with my heart

I denied trying to work on us again.

 

 

probably one of the hardest decisions relationship wise ever.

 

 

 

later in the week i found out from one of her best friends who is a close friend of mine that my ex has not been in a good place lately , dating scene isnt going

 

well and broke down at some dinner with her friends about breaking up with me being the worst decision ever. she told me to be careful because she didnt

want me to get hurt by my ex again.

 

I know 100 percent of i wasnt working on my self and i wasnt focused on myself and healing that i most likely would of went back to her

again.

 

But i did and I am happy being single right now.

 

 

Just wanted to show you both sides and how healing has helped me move on. I know i deserve someone who

wants to be with me all the time, not when they need comfort.

[valavoo]

Well I got my ex back:

 

 

I worked on myself, i started working out, lost 30 pounds, got my confidence back, started working hard at work, meeting new people, old friends

 

took a break from social media,

 

 

and Tuesday night less than 2 weeks ago i got a message from her saying, small talk, then "i was thinking about trying us again".

 

 

This was it, what ive been waiting for, But with NC and time to work on myself, time to think more logically and not so much with my heart

I denied trying to work on us again.

 

 

probably one of the hardest decisions relationship wise ever.

 

 

 

later in the week i found out from one of her best friends who is a close friend of mine that my ex has not been in a good place lately , dating scene isnt going

 

well and broke down at some dinner with her friends about breaking up with me being the worst decision ever. she told me to be careful because she didnt

want me to get hurt by my ex again.

 

I know 100 percent of i wasnt working on my self and i wasnt focused on myself and healing that i most likely would of went back to her

again.

 

But i did and I am happy being single right now.

 

 

Just wanted to show you both sides and how healing has helped me move on. I know i deserve someone who

wants to be with me all the time, not when they need comfort.

 

I'm really really happy for you that you were able to get to such a good place! I am super confident that you'll enjoy whatever comes to you in life going forward.

[HeartGoesOn]

Valavoo...Considering the length of this thread, and the numerous replies already posted, maybe it's time to post your thoughts in a journal?

[valavoo]

I know I'm one of those posters you feel contempt for, but I think it's because you haven't liked my messages.

 

This is just an observation. If you're thinking of stopping posting because it means you've lost, that does, in a sense, indicate a need to be right. It tells me there is an argument to be had instead of a discussion.

 

When I was going through my breakup, I was defensive. I get it. I wanted to be right, too.

 

It's natural. However, I think you should take some time to be introspective. Think about the comments you disagree with. Read some articles outside of here. Read some self help resources and ways to manage a breakup (not to get back together, but how to manage yourself).

 

The me post breakup is totally unrecognizable from the me pre relationship and the me during my relationship. I'm significantly happier, I feel like my life is finally on the right track, and my confidence is way higher than it's ever been.

 

The breakup with my ex fueled that. This period, IMO, is a huge opportunity for personal growth. My concern is you're holding yourself up in order to hold on to your ex.

 

*sigh* look. I already told you it wasn't about the message, it was about the delivery. I get it, we're different people, but I personally believe that speaking to someone going through any kind of trauma, regardless of how 'tough love' you want to be, means that you avoid saying certain things. Not everyone can handle the same kind of harshness at various points in their life and that. is. okay. It's fine if you don't believe that, but that doesn't make either one of us inherently wrong.

 

At this point, yeah, I'm upset, and yeah, I feel pretty defensive. But it's not because of me inherently disagreeing with what others say or not wanting to believe them, rather, it's because somehow I've gotten misinterpreted as a naive lovesick person when I have stated multiple times that I actually have given this quite a bit of thought. So I'll try to make it clear here. I've posted multiple times that I am moving forward with my life. I have thought and thought and rethought about the things that people say here that I agree and disagree with. I have read the articles on 'how to get over a breakup' - so many of them that I've pretty much memorized the steps they've added. I've unfriended and I don't ever initiate communication despite the fact that I sometimes feel that I am not making the right move in staying silent. I very well understand that the relationship is over and that there is no guarantee that we're ever going to be an item again. This realization hurts continually and that. is. okay.

 

I hate that I have to type all this out to try and justify myself but it seems I must. I would understand the supposed "concern" if I were literally doing nothing but crying and staring at a wall and eating my feelings this far down the line, but I'm most certainly not - as I've posted. Which is why I get so unbelievably frustrated. I'm not even trying to deny that I have things to learn, which I obviously do as humans improve by learning, but the perception seems to be that I'm not trying hard enough. That it's not enough that I went from not being able to get out of bed + obsessively checking his social media to going out every day + managing to detach myself.

 

While this is my "first" big breakup, it is not my first major trauma and therefore not my first rodeo through the extremely non-linear process of grieving and living life. I am most certainly not in the same exact low place I was three months ago, but I also don't understand why this is not yet enough, somehow. That I'm not okay 'enough' yet. That I should be doing more than graduate school and diving into my favorite hobbies or practicing self care as often as I possibly can.

 

I come here, partially, for purpose of discussing concepts of how and why reconciliation works because I want to, and it helps me both understand AND move forward. The other side is that I do sometimes need a place to vent, and I figured a forum would be better than talking the ear off of the same friends for however long it takes. I am moving forward, in fact, rather quickly IMO from such a long relationship and strong love. I think that it is my own business if I want to forget him in the sense that I 100% give up. I also think that even if I do make that decision, I will get there on my own.

 

Without a really good way to end this, I'll I would love to keep having discussions. But if anyone really wants to view me as someone with no understanding and no effort or thought, then it would be most respectful to both me and them to avoid conversing with me.

[valavoo]

Anyway, despite the tense postings I'm gonna just send one more message.

 

HUGS FOR EVERYONE! REALLY.

 

I don't care how much I agree or disagree or what we all think of each other. Bottom line is that we all deserve love and happiness. Period.

[mustlovedogs]

I never implied in my post any of the things you seem to think I was implying. I never said you aren't trying. I just tried to offer a positive story.

 

Breakups suck. Grieving isn't linear. I get that. I went through it. If venting is what you want, then perhaps a journal is a better forum.

 

What do you want from eNA? What would give you a more positive experience? The direction of your threads has me confused, so I'm asking for clarification.

[valavoo]

I never implied in my post any of the things you seem to think I was implying. I never said you aren't trying. I just tried to offer a positive story.

 

Breakups suck. Grieving isn't linear. I get that. I went through it. If venting is what you want, then perhaps a journal is a better forum.

 

What do you want from eNA? What would give you a more positive experience? The direction of your threads has me confused, so I'm asking for clarification.

 

Do you think it'd be prudent to just re-start my thread? Unsure of the rules for re-posting/starting over.

 

I still want to have a discussion/have as many answers to my original questions as possible. I just thought it was something interesting, and it was pretty helpful to me.

 

I had been posting my feelings in my main thread regarding my breakup, but I started getting questions about my situation here so it ended up blending the two

[Ames34]

Well I got my ex back:

 

 

I worked on myself, i started working out, lost 30 pounds, got my confidence back, started working hard at work, meeting new people, old friends

 

took a break from social media,

 

 

and Tuesday night less than 2 weeks ago i got a message from her saying, small talk, then "i was thinking about trying us again".

 

 

This was it, what ive been waiting for, But with NC and time to work on myself, time to think more logically and not so much with my heart

I denied trying to work on us again.

 

 

probably one of the hardest decisions relationship wise ever.

 

 

 

later in the week i found out from one of her best friends who is a close friend of mine that my ex has not been in a good place lately , dating scene isnt going

 

well and broke down at some dinner with her friends about breaking up with me being the worst decision ever. she told me to be careful because she didnt

want me to get hurt by my ex again.

 

I know 100 percent of i wasnt working on my self and i wasnt focused on myself and healing that i most likely would of went back to her

again.

 

But i did and I am happy being single right now.

 

 

Just wanted to show you both sides and how healing has helped me move on. I know i deserve someone who

wants to be with me all the time, not when they need comfort.

 

Thanks for sharing, I really like this. Well done for finding that strength

 

I imagine that it can't be easy to hear that she isn't doing well now, almost like the roles have been reversed, it's funny how time changes things.

 

In the theme of the thread: when you heard from her, had you been in contact or was it out of the blue? (Sorry I'm not familiar with your story).

 

Thanks again for sharing

[Doc Blaze]

Thanks for sharing, I really like this. Well done for finding that strength

 

I imagine that it can't be easy to hear that she isn't doing well now, almost like the roles have been reversed, it's funny how time changes things.

 

In the theme of the thread: when you heard from her, had you been in contact or was it out of the blue? (Sorry I'm not familiar with your story).

 

Thanks again for sharing

 

we here off and on for 5 years, she has come back before and i have taken her back, last time i did we almost last 2 years but

this final time when we broke up around thanksgiving i told her that was it . i am done. my heart had seriously been broken

so bad. I seriously thought i was going to marry this girl.

 

This past time was probably the longest she has gone without contacting me but the past

month or so she has contacted me 4 or 5 times..twice she was drunk, said sorry the next

day and tried to make plans. but i wasnt having it. i still care about her and it does

make me feel bad for what is going through, but in a way i feel she needs to go through

it and figure out whatever she is struggling with and without me this time.

[Capricorn3]

Valavoo...Considering the length of this thread, and the numerous replies already posted, maybe it's time to post your thoughts in a journal?

 

Glad you mention this. I was going to suggest the same thing.

[valavoo]

Um, I'd rather not close this thread ^^' when people are on topic it's actually pretty helpful and therapeutic for me. I'll try to keep it that way from now on.

[Batya33]

I think they meant to switch to a journal format on ENA.

[goggles]

I just read this whole discussion from page 1 to here and I just want to say that besides the times where people tried to analyze the OP instead of discussing the topics given, and the misunderstandings in communication here and there, it supplied very helpful topics and discussions. It was theraputic to me as a lurker and I've had a streak of good days after reading through it (my bf broke up with me a month and a half ago).

 

I also want to say that I really like the OP's style of communication and positivity. This has been the most enjoyable thread on this forum for me to read through so far.

 

I wasn't going to comment since I don't have much to contribute and I know staying on-topic is important here... but it seems to already have been derailed. So I made an account after seeing the disappointing direction the thread starting going towards near the end... I also wanted to say, if the OP stops posting and does go to some kind of journal format, I would like to follow. However, I like the info/advice I gathered from many of the interactions, so I feel something would be lost.

 

Whatever happens, thank you for this thread, OP.

[mandeelove]

I just read this whole discussion from page 1 to here and I just want to say that besides the times where people tried to analyze the OP instead of discussing the topics given, and the misunderstandings in communication here and there, it supplied very helpful topics and discussions. It was theraputic to me as a lurker and I've had a streak of good days after reading through it (my bf broke up with me a month and a half ago).

 

I also want to say that I really like the OP's style of communication and positivity. This has been the most enjoyable thread on this forum for me to read through so far.

 

I wasn't going to comment since I don't have much to contribute and I know staying on-topic is important here... but it seems to already have been derailed. So I made an account after seeing the disappointing direction the thread starting going towards near the end... I also wanted to say, if the OP stops posting and does go to some kind of journal format, I would like to follow. However, I like the info/advice I gathered from many of the interactions, so I feel something would be lost.

 

Whatever happens, thank you for this thread, OP.

Agree! I liked it too !

[valavoo]

I just read this whole discussion from page 1 to here and I just want to say that besides the times where people tried to analyze the OP instead of discussing the topics given, and the misunderstandings in communication here and there, it supplied very helpful topics and discussions. It was theraputic to me as a lurker and I've had a streak of good days after reading through it (my bf broke up with me a month and a half ago).

 

I also want to say that I really like the OP's style of communication and positivity. This has been the most enjoyable thread on this forum for me to read through so far.

 

I wasn't going to comment since I don't have much to contribute and I know staying on-topic is important here... but it seems to already have been derailed. So I made an account after seeing the disappointing direction the thread starting going towards near the end... I also wanted to say, if the OP stops posting and does go to some kind of journal format, I would like to follow. However, I like the info/advice I gathered from many of the interactions, so I feel something would be lost.

 

Whatever happens, thank you for this thread, OP.

 

Oh goodness what a sweet comment. I really appreciate it. All I ever wanted to do was help others and myself. The positivity I like to spread has never meant to rule out "reality" or the unknown aspect of break ups, so again, thanks for this.

 

So unless it's breaking rules, I would like to keep my thread open and periodically post follow-up questions.

 

I'm not super inclined to start a journal because I've already kinda laid my entire self out there in my threads and I don't want to do it again. So from now on....on topic only. I'll follow my own rule. Rest assured though, if my dear ex decides to re-appear in my life I'll post about that too.

 

Now then, how about another question. Why are there so many broad terms and cliches associated with how to deal with a break up and reconciling? By broad terms, I mean "all women" or "all men" or "it takes X amount of time".

[Batya33]

"Why are there so many broad terms and cliches associated with how to deal with a break up and reconciling? By broad terms, I mean "all women" or "all men" or "it takes X amount of time"."

 

For the same reasons there are broad terms and cliches associated with romantic relationships and marriages -because many of them have at least a grain of truth. My favorite talk radio psychologist who died last year had few hard and fast rules except one - do not date anyone whose divorce is final for less than a year no matter what the reason or why the divorce. Many disagreed and many who disagreed called in. It was fascinating over the years to see how right she was despite the rigidity of the rule.

 

I think if you focus on Facebook/on line forums you'll tend to see more cliches and if you find a close friend and have a face to face conversation, that friend may try her best to give individual advice if you want it.

[Doc Blaze]

"Why are there so many broad terms and cliches associated with how to deal with a break up and reconciling? By broad terms, I mean "all women" or "all men" or "it takes X amount of time"."

 

is it really bad advice is it really if its the truth though? i feel some people only look for advice to help their case to what they are looking for.

 

Sometimes there is but most people are trying to help because they have been through it before.

 

I personally do read over each thread to see where they are coming from but its usually the same issue, with slightly different details but

over all the same thing.

 

ive been here since 2007. ive personally gone though mutitple break ups but most of the situations are

the same as everyone else..not much difference so most of the advice is the same.

[loip9114]

"Why are there so many broad terms and cliches associated with how to deal with a break up and reconciling? By broad terms, I mean "all women" or "all men" or "it takes X amount of time"."

 

is it really bad advice is it really if its the truth though? i feel some people only look for advice to help their case to what they are looking for.

 

Sometimes there is but most people are trying to help because they have been through it before.

 

I personally do read over each thread to see where they are coming from but its usually the same issue, with slightly different details but

over all the same thing.

 

ive been here since 2007. ive personally gone though mutitple break ups but most of the situations are

the same as everyone else..not much difference so most of the advice is the same.

 

'Confirmation bias' is the term you describe. It is a thing that the majority of people do, regardless of intellect, religion, principles or anything. Very few people are really strong enough to look for the information to debunk their own perceptions and things. Even those that think they do, most likely do that in order to sustain their belief of being capable of debunking themselves. It's one of the hypocrises of mankind tbh.

 

Still, I believe every piece of advice holds truth. But it is the interpreter to say whether that piece of advice applies to them. The complexity of psychology does not come from the uncertainty and ridiculous nature of our bodies or anything. It stems from the fact that our minds work in such complex ways. The complexity is that there might be several theories that describe how a person could react to an event. Yet they are all equally right and wrong. Grief is a process that is poorly understand, because it differs for us all. Some take longer overal, others tend to remain in the anger phase, others more in depression, some skip denial completely, etc. Yet the theory holds true for all. Thus any advice that you give can hold truth, but for it to be useful it needs to apply to the recipient.

So yeah, there is really bad advice. Telling somebody something will work for them, when it does not apply for them. For example, someone told me to just go out and have sex and drink with as many girls as I'd like to get over my ex. Well guess what? Been there, done that, it f*cked me up beyond all recognition. It prolonged my suffering unnecesarily. So yeah, BAD advice applied to me. He might have benefitted from it.

 

Everybody tries to help, I do not doubt that in anybody on this forum. I highly doubt there is anyone here, rubbing their hands, giving their evil mustache a good twirl and then writing some bad advice. It's just that your way, might not be my way. See previous paragraph.

 

 

I definitely agree there is a certain backbone as to how this whole period goes. We are in utter shock, we are crying, we are angry, we are hoping, denying etc. The stages of grief, the unbelieve and also the hope of reconciliation. These are things I see everywhere and a lot of the advice applies to many people. But I honestly believe the form of communication and the timing is paramount. Telling someone in shock to just snap out of it, is not helping. Telling someone who's still highly in love to move on is not helping.

That's my take to be honest.

 

As for the broad terms, yes that's because there are a lot of patterns and a lot of things that might help and I see those broad terms as well. But I'd be damned if I would follow the advice 'start dating again'. It will destroy me, it will only set me back and make me long for my ex. Unless I really really want it.

That's the only piece of advice I do think we all need to her. It's our path, our way, we must listen, but we must decide for ourselves what we really want to do. Heed the warnings, listen and take the advice. Don't go through it alone, but only you can decide which path to take. Because if we think we were guided incorrectly, we'll not only resent listening to them. We'll regret it, we'll regret not doing what we wanted to do. And that is the worst regret you can ever have (imo)

[Doc Blaze]

I should of been more clear,

but yes there is good and bad advice..

 

i was referring to more of broad terms.