Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[valavoo]

Same idea, different approach due to different situation for me. I also find it immature to say delete/block them forever. Remove pictures etc. What? Are you denying this is a part of your past?

Learn from your past, and you'll be fine again. Also similarly to your ex, blocking me would me the end of every last chance you have. It would signal to me, you no longer want anything to do. It would get me so angry I would honestly start burning all the bridges. And even after years, if you'd want to return, I'd say no. Because yeah, my family is very good at holding grudges. Real good at it.

I honestly think you are doing the mature thing here, I'd only say block them if you truly find it annoying that they contact you. Not due to this idea of 'need to move on', no only if you truly believe that that is the right decision now. Because if you do it without that conviction, then you might just think down the line 'Sh*t, s/he is the one that got away! OH if only I had acted differently'. Boom regret...

 

So no, it is good that you do not initiate it, but do react. Be mature, be grown-up. Do protect your heart, be careful. If he comes and starts talking about a new gf and his problems with her, I would advice telling him to deal with those problems with his new gf, not with you. This is hypothetical, please do not become anxious. Just thinking of a situation. Because if you are the shoulder to lean on during that time, you might hurt your chances the most.

 

As for honesty, yes definitely. Your ex is not stupid, they've known you for quite some time. They KNOW when you're acting strange. I mean differently after a breakup is already strange, but they know it is due to the breakup as it is out-of-character most of the time. I am back to in-character now aka no-where to be found online xD. But yeah, honesty is best. You can not regret being honest, lying yes. If you are honest and they are like 'nah do not want you back', well fine. Then you do not want ME. Then I should not want you.

 

You got the right jist in my eyes. You are acting far more mature in my eyes than others who are simple 'block/delete, burn memories and move on'.

 

Exactly. Thanks for the response. And thanks for the little addendum for me not to get anxious LOL. I felt my heart flutter a little.

[mandeelove]

Gotcha! I'm keeping it cool. But I won't lie and tell you that I don't hope that every text is a reconciliation text, haha. I just don't think I want to outright ask him to try things. I don't LOVE talking to him casually, but it doesn't hurt the same way when he's the one to initiate it and I keep it chill. I'm sure there are a million people that would tell me to quit talking to him/block him everywhere to "speed up my healing process" buuuuut again, I don't feel right doing that. He hasn't done anything worthy of a block or me ignoring him, and knowing his and my personalities reconciling after blocking literally would not happen. A block is a very final thing for me and if I choose to block someone I will NOT be undoing that block. Ever.

 

I think that there's also a difference between being mature/cool and being fake. For example, pretending you're fine when talking to said ex. Nah bruh. Honest is the correct route for me. He knows the breakup tore me up - not gonna pretend to be happy daisies about everything in my communications with him. Of course, this does not mean I think we should all be crying in our ex's ears every single conversation. I'm saying that it's possible to be both cool AND honest about your feelings at the same time.

 

Much love to you That is great. Kudos to you! I think whatever works for you go for it. I never judge anyone in their choices if its not hurting them . The part about being fake is SO true too. If you arent being real then these texts between you guys are pointless . Its good that you stay cool yet honest. The only question I have now is do you think you will ever date anyone else or are you clear on he's the one for you? Do you think that would ever hinder the moving on process for you? (Dating and keeping his casual friendship)

[valavoo]

That is great. Kudos to you! I think whatever works for you go for it. I never judge anyone in their choices if its not hurting them . The part about being fake is SO true too. If you arent being real then these texts between you guys are pointless . Its good that you stay cool yet honest. The only question I have now is do you think you will ever date anyone else or are you clear on he's the one for you? Do you think that would ever hinder the moving on process for you? (Dating and keeping his casual friendship)

 

Nope. Not interested in dating anyone else. I honestly only want him. [cue people screaming at me for being immature]. Like, if someone else comes along and asks me on a date, I probably won't say no, but I don't think I'd be serious with them.

 

And frankly we don't have a casual friendship right now. We're friendly, not friends. We don't talk enough for it to be considered a friendship. I highly doubt that I'll ever lose my love for him, which would make being friends with him and dating other people immensely difficult.

 

I'm okay with walking the current path I have, regardless of how much it can hurt sometimes.

[mandeelove]

Nope. Not interested in dating anyone else. I honestly only want him. [cue people screaming at me for being immature]. Like, if someone else comes along and asks me on a date, I probably won't say no, but I don't think I'd be serious with them.

 

And frankly we don't have a casual friendship right now. We're friendly, not friends. We don't talk enough for it to be considered a friendship. I highly doubt that I'll ever lose my love for him, which would make being friends with him and dating other people immensely difficult.

 

I'm okay with walking the current path I have, regardless of how much it can hurt sometimes.

Its good that you know what you want and I commend you on that !!

[valavoo]

Its good that you know what you want and I commend you on that !!

 

I appreciate. I just wish there was something definite I could do to make a "reconciliation" happen. It's so aggressively out of my control.

[Batya33]

it's not immature at all not to date- dating is only if you feel like it or if you have a reason to do so (mine was to get married). I wouldn't go out with someone who asks you if that person is looking for something serious - but sure if you feel like it and someone happens to ask you, go for it. Who says you have to date or look to date?

[loip9114]

it's not immature at all not to date- dating is only if you feel like it or if you have a reason to do so (mine was to get married). I wouldn't go out with someone who asks you if that person is looking for something serious - but sure if you feel like it and someone happens to ask you, go for it. Who says you have to date or look to date?

 

I always trust that the ones worth having happen upon your path when you least expect it. At least that's pretty much how I stumble upon anyone worth dating or having a relationship with. The moments when I am least looking for it is the moment they pop into my life.

[mandeelove]

I appreciate. I just wish there was something definite I could do to make a "reconciliation" happen. It's so aggressively out of my control.

I think the more you stay civil and talk, he may see the possibilities. He's approaching you first and thats a good thing.

[valavoo]

You all are sweet humans

[valavoo]

it's not immature at all not to date- dating is only if you feel like it or if you have a reason to do so (mine was to get married). I wouldn't go out with someone who asks you if that person is looking for something serious - but sure if you feel like it and someone happens to ask you, go for it. Who says you have to date or look to date?

 

Ah I'm glad you think this way. I had a couple family members trying to push me to date, even with the intention to replace my ex and enter into another LTR. The reality is that I very much do want to get married and grow as a person alongside the one I love....buuuuut I refuse to marry just anybody.

[valavoo]

I think the more you stay civil and talk, he may see the possibilities. He's approaching you first and thats a good thing.

 

Indeed, but many would say it means nothing if it isn't the big ol "can we get back together" text.

[mandeelove]

Indeed, but many would say it means nothing if it isn't the big ol "can we get back together" text.

I think it matters because its building a foundation. It gives him new positive convos to remember especially if u guys used to fight alot. It washes out the negative. In my case, my ex wanted to talk civil so he could test out if I changed. He didnt want to jump right in. He was nervous old habits would kick in so he tested us as friends first. It didnt work lol because in fact I had alot of changing to do. We both did. Some people do that though... They fish around to see a possibility. Just keep staying strong.

[valavoo]

I think it matters because its building a foundation. It gives him new positive convos to remember especially if u guys used to fight alot. It washes out the negative. In my case, my ex wanted to talk civil so he could test out if I changed. He didnt want to jump right in. He was nervous old habits would kick in so he tested us as friends first. It didnt work lol because in fact I had alot of changing to do. We both did. Some people do that though... They fish around to see a possibility. Just keep staying strong.

 

 

Indeed. I really hope I hear from him more soon. Maybe even something that works toward fixing things.

[Batya33]

I always trust that the ones worth having happen upon your path when you least expect it. At least that's pretty much how I stumble upon anyone worth dating or having a relationship with. The moments when I am least looking for it is the moment they pop into my life.

Well not really. Certainly being in desperate mode repels people but if you want to get married and have kids maybe then imo it's best to be proactive. People mistake the "don't be desperate" with "when you least expect it". I could have described my story as when I least expected it but in reality it was because I was out there and proacit e about looking for a good match. But I wasn't desperate. Also don't mistake a coincidence of meeting someone when you least expect it with a good way to approach finding a good match.

[loip9114]

Well not really. Certainly being in desperate mode repels people but if you want to get married and have kids maybe then imo it's best to be proactive. People mistake the "don't be desperate" with "when you least expect it". I could have described my story as when I least expected it but in reality it was because I was out there and proacit e about looking for a good match. But I wasn't desperate. Also don't mistake a coincidence of meeting someone when you least expect it with a good way to approach finding a good match.

 

Nah that's what I mean with it. I've you want to find someone you still need to be proactive and go out. You cannot meet anybody new if you are at home talking to a wall. But I just for myself that whenever I would least expect it, I suddenly had a girlfriend. Really strange, just poof suddenly. I am in a relationship kidding a bit. Of course there was some dating, but the most striking thing is that whenever I tend to think 'That looks like a nice girl to meet, but most likely nothing will come from it' Those are always the ones that I get into a relationship with. And it's not an attempt to get in 'inddiference' mode to attract them. It's a genuine thought.

 

It works for me, at least if the last would have stayed it are those moments when I am the most genuine myself. That's what I mean.

[loip9114]

I think it matters because its building a foundation. It gives him new positive convos to remember especially if u guys used to fight alot. It washes out the negative. In my case, my ex wanted to talk civil so he could test out if I changed. He didnt want to jump right in. He was nervous old habits would kick in so he tested us as friends first. It didnt work lol because in fact I had alot of changing to do. We both did. Some people do that though... They fish around to see a possibility. Just keep staying strong.

 

A good comparison I heard was that if you have a falling out with someone, and that person extends their hand to reconcile and you immediatly reject it or ignore it. Being stubborn and not wanting it. They will be put off and eventually they will not reach out any longer as they see it is not worth the effort. Then they will just accept you do not wish to reconcile and leave it be.

Same will happen if you constantly ignore an ex, if you truly wish to reconcile you should not ignore them.

[valavoo]

A good comparison I heard was that if you have a falling out with someone, and that person extends their hand to reconcile and you immediatly reject it or ignore it. Being stubborn and not wanting it. They will be put off and eventually they will not reach out any longer as they see it is not worth the effort. Then they will just accept you do not wish to reconcile and leave it be.

Same will happen if you constantly ignore an ex, if you truly wish to reconcile you should not ignore them.

 

I always worried that not initiating would also do this. My ex is more passive and I am more active, which makes me wonder if I should be sucking it up and reaching out. Unfortunately, I'm simply not able to do so because of fear of getting hurt, as I said. But I do worry a little that my silence communicates hostility. I dunno.

[Batya33]

I always worried that not initiating would also do this. My ex is more passive and I am more active, which makes me wonder if I should be sucking it up and reaching out. Unfortunately, I'm simply not able to do so because of fear of getting hurt, as I said. But I do worry a little that my silence communicates hostility. I dunno.

 

Silence cannot communicate hostility as long as you explained at the outset that you were not going to be in contact or responding anymore -then it's clear.

[Batya33]

Nah that's what I mean with it. I've you want to find someone you still need to be proactive and go out. You cannot meet anybody new if you are at home talking to a wall. But I just for myself that whenever I would least expect it, I suddenly had a girlfriend. Really strange, just poof suddenly. I am in a relationship kidding a bit. Of course there was some dating, but the most striking thing is that whenever I tend to think 'That looks like a nice girl to meet, but most likely nothing will come from it' Those are always the ones that I get into a relationship with. And it's not an attempt to get in 'inddiference' mode to attract them. It's a genuine thought.

 

It works for me, at least if the last would have stayed it are those moments when I am the most genuine myself. That's what I mean.

 

Oh sorry - I thought it was the OP who wrote that.

[valavoo]

Oh sorry - I thought it was the OP who wrote that.

 

it wasn't me I swear! XD

[valavoo]

Silence cannot communicate hostility as long as you explained at the outset that you were not going to be in contact or responding anymore -then it's clear.

 

I did. I explained exactly why I wasn't going to be in contact.

 

A lot of people advocate for just 'disappearing' without saying anything, which feels so so wrong somehow. Again looking back to honesty - I decided that saying something was the right thing to do. I just hope against all odds that we'll still work out after all that.

[Batya33]

I did. I explained exactly why I wasn't going to be in contact.

 

A lot of people advocate for just 'disappearing' without saying anything, which feels so so wrong somehow. Again looking back to honesty - I decided that saying something was the right thing to do. I just hope against all odds that we'll still work out after all that.

 

It's not about honesty as much as it's the reason behind not being in contact -if it's to punish, you just disappear. If you have an established relationship (because I don't think it's even appropriate to tell someone "we've gone out twice, it was fun and I just want you to know I'm not going to be asking you out again, you are AMAZING and so SPECIAL but I am not ready for a relationship right now and you deserve THE BEST" (or anything similar -silence =lack of interest in another date at that point).

 

But in an established relationship if the point of no-contact is self-care and to move on, understanding that if the person changes his mind he knows where to find you and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it, then of course you tell the person - kindly -just that. Shows the person you care about yourself, too, that you have reasonable boundaries based on self-care and that you want to find someone who is "that" into you and you can't if you're still in touch with that person.

[valavoo]

+pause! Mildly angry post coming! Note that tone is not directed at any one of you here at all+

 

Oh, yeah, um, I didn't tell him I was moving on. I don't really want to re-type my entire opinion on the concept of moving on and myself - sorry about that ;o;.

 

Today, I'm feeling really empty and a little bit angry. Angry that I wasn't good enough somehow, that he really could decide to walk away from me, even when stating how he really did love his relationship with me. That he could essentially say 'ohoho time to explore life not in a relationship'. I want to say I understand but I don't - I just get that he is viewing this differently than I am. He has a right to feel how he feels, but so do I.

 

I'm also feeling, to be honest, jealous of all of the people who reported successful reconciliations. While I know it is an irrational thought, I can't help sitting here thinking 'why can't I have that?

Why do they get to be with the one they posted on ENA about while I don't? What makes it so that I don't deserve that or I don't get that?' No circumstance is the same, of course, but I am definitely feeling that today.

 

I dunno when I'm going to run out of words on this subject. At some point I'm sure I'll fade away from these forums [again, hopefully because my stupid love problems are finally freaking solved], but whatever.

[Batya33]

Apples and oranges -each relationship is different, why they end is different, etc. He's allowed to not be that into you - and assume that rather than "he's not available for a relationship with anyone" because that will make it easier should you hear he is involved with someone else. Accept that - and work on moving on. Been there. Sure he loved parts of the relationships, loved you, etc. but right now the benefits of being on his own and able to live his life without you outweigh the benefits of being with you. And that's ok. It's also ok to have these thoughts and feelings.

[valavoo]

*sigh*

 

Yes, I know. I'm supposed to work on forgetting.