Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[valavoo]

True I completely agree, I always try to look at the situation someone is in and if they ask advice I make it cut to be for that specific situation. You can tell people things that will resonate latter on, but you can also tell them that at that specific moment.

When the wound was still fresh someone said to me 'oh she almost certaintly already has another guy', this was I believe 1 month after the breakup. With no clear indication of it being truthful. While it might be true also not, It hurt like hell, I was not ready to hear that. I was not ready to accept that and it only hurt me. Now I can slowly start thinking and actually picture her with another without immediatly becoming hurt. Still hurts a bit down the line, but still it's something.

 

That's just my point, if someone says 'I cannot move on from her, I can never love again.' You should not say ' Just move on' but more something along the lines of encouragement in my eyes. Things that will make that person believe they can move on, even if it might take a while. Or you'll love again, just not now. Give them things to handle their current position.

 

At least that is my way of going about things. Ask questions, listen to the answers and give tips for those answers. (Yes I have been in therapy, that's how therapy mostly works).

 

 

 

Oh yeah, I might not disappear immediatly into thin air when I am healed. I will stick around to keep helping others. I like giving people the help I desired as well. I will just slowly stop discussing my ex.

 

Just a question - have you been advising people on the forum (including myself) from a position of trying to steer them into moving on eventually? OR have you been taking things as they are even when people are resolute in the fact that they want their ex back? I know for me, it kinda stung when someone I knew told me they'd only been giving me encouragement to get my ex back because they thought I'd eventually give up. They changed their tune more recently, in the sense that they seemed upset at my not moving on and my own decisions regarding my S.O. I felt disrespected to say the least.

[loip9114]

Just a question - have you been advising people on the forum (including myself) from a position of trying to steer them into moving on eventually? OR have you been taking things as they are even when people are resolute in the fact that they want their ex back? I know for me, it kinda stung when someone I knew told me they'd only been giving me encouragement to get my ex back because they thought I'd eventually give up. They changed their tune more recently, in the sense that they seemed upset at my not moving on and my own decisions regarding my S.O. I felt disrespected to say the least.

 

I try to steer them towards healing themselves. To get the pain, hurt and all negative emotions away. I do not desire to take away the hope or love.

I want to take the things how they are, I have no judgement as to what is good or bad. The only thing I steer clear off are situations of infidelity and cheating, psychological or physical abuse. Those are the only things where I do not desire to help when someone did any of those. Other than that, I believe everybody is different, every person acts differently and thus must be treated differently.

However, I do not wish to steer someone away from their personal goal. I do however wish to steer people out of the hole they are in. For example anyone saying they can never love again and just want to give up. I'd help them atleast heal from that. If they then say I want my ex back, I would only kindly ask if they think they are ready.

 

Because you want your ex back, I know that. And that is perfectly fine, that is your path and your goal. You know I want(ed) that too and only recently start second guessing that path, but that is my position and my goal/path. You should not follow the same path I go on my accord. Because you might regret it and resent me for it. No what I wish for you is that you are in a strong and healthy position so you can achieve that goal. If I can help you with it awesome, because I would rather not sit idle when I know someone desires this and moves out, gets rejected and begins from square one. Nullifying all the progress made thus far.

I believe my path might lead me to my ex, or potentially to another partner. One that might be an even better fit for me (my god, if that happens, I'll marry that woman xD). But My path is to heal myself and to become better. I will be single for a while, because I am getting opportunities at this moment, my god. I have done something right along the way.

 

So to summarize: I take as it is, I only steer people to heal their heartbreak. I do not wish people to forfeit their path. I kept that hope to not drown completely, but it is now starting to weigh me down. That's why I will choose this path.

But I believe you are definitely still in love with your ex (so am I, believe me. I hold no resentment or anger, only love for my ex. I am just putting myself first now). I would say, keep at it. If you honestly and truthfully think this is the best path for you, then do it. All I wish to warn you about is that, do take into account you have a large unknown factor which is your ex. You cannot make him love you, and he might reject you. Please be carefull and move in such a way that you do not cause yourself unnecessary harm.

 

If this rambling makes sense, I've been awake for almost a day now. So I am going to sleep. xD

[valavoo]

 

So to summarize: I take as it is, I only steer people to heal their heartbreak. I do not wish people to forfeit their path. I kept that hope to not drown completely, but it is now starting to weigh me down. That's why I will choose this path.

But I believe you are definitely still in love with your ex (so am I, believe me. I hold no resentment or anger, only love for my ex. I am just putting myself first now). I would say, keep at it. If you honestly and truthfully think this is the best path for you, then do it. All I wish to warn you about is that, do take into account you have a large unknown factor which is your ex. You cannot make him love you, and he might reject you. Please be carefull and move in such a way that you do not cause yourself unnecessary harm.

 

If this rambling makes sense, I've been awake for almost a day now. So I am going to sleep. xD

 

Indeed. Thanks for your honesty. That last part is a part I know but I have a lot of trouble dealing with. The unknown element.

[loip9114]

Indeed. Thanks for your honesty. That last part is a part I know but I have a lot of trouble dealing with. The unknown element.

 

Hope for the best, perpare for the worst? Expect to be rejected, make sure you are able to handle that rejection and it won't send you spiralling back down the 'broken-heart' hole of despair *ghostly noises* (I want to make fun of the situation, because I want to laugh. Otherwise all I do is cry). I honestly think that should be your priority for now. To make sure you have gathered up everything so you can handle that rejection. So get a healed heart, make the changes, have a nice environment, be strong-headed (which I believe already are), also feel strong both mentally and emotionally. I honestly believe that you can do that AND still have hopes of reconciliation.

 

Now I absolutely DO NOT wish to scare you, but really take that one in account. Prepare yourself for rejection, plan for success. Make sure you can be rejected, the reason well you might want to think of them a bit. But really there is no need to dwell on them to much. As you mentioned earlier, be it he is actually not into the opposite sex or he has another or simply does not desire to reconcile. These reasons matter little! Because there is only 1 fact you should focus on at that point, the rejection. However harsh it might come. Just like with breakups, even if they are mutual they still s*ck (I hate censorship. It's so useless, if * is enough to make it not work I mean come on. Sock, sack, sick or seck. I didnt even know the last one was a word! Only one remains... but I digress). But if you are capable of dealing with that I believe you have a strong chance.

Another thing, do not be afraid to walk away. To be clear, I do not intend to say 'stop this fool's errand', just be capable of doing that. Why? Because it will strengthen you. I believe that if you are capable of walking away you will not radiate desperation. You can still have the desire to truly want something, but also radiate that you can live without it. I just wish to say, make yourself strong enough to be able to walk away if needed.

Those two things might be essential (in my eyes they are), as you are not afraid to be rejected and not afraid to reject him. That means you are not a slave to his whims or the faiths.

 

Then I would say re-establish communication through a very low medium. Something he would expect, chat a bit and you'll notice if you have a window of opportunity or not. You'll just know, you can feel those things. If you do have that window, seize the opportunity to possibly get a date or something. If that works out and you start dating a bit more, keep at it. Perhaps somewhere down the line if things are turning for the better you might wish to clearly state that you want a second chance. Take it easy and take it slow to build the trust again. (This was my original plan).

This might all be really scary as you need to open up again to a person who has hurt you deeply. Do remember you need to make it work from both sides! If his effort is significantly less than yours, you might want to protect yourself. You'll need to bold from time to time, you need to have courage. Because you'll be confronting some fears and you'll possibly be reminded of the pain you endure right now. But I do think it is possible and with the right approach you might make it.

 

I made the analogy some time ago to people who do extreme sports. A sh*tload of them break something or get injured (hello, cartillage rapture in my shoulder), but pretty much all of them (hello) give it time to heal, make sure it's healed (not me I walked around with it for 2 years! 2 YEARS, bloody moron) and as soon as it is, they go back to the sport. They start of easy, get the feel again, do some minor things and as soon as they have the confidence again, they blast off. Back to the point where they hurt themselves and beyond. With a bit of fear, but more courage and boldness to do it again. But that analogy paints the right order in my eyes. Heal > Get the feel > Blast off

[meographer]

There is only one way for this.

It is to start afresh.

You both have to really bog about it, in the sense that you can't bring up old things and mistakes.

It's not going to be east I can tell you that for sure.

But this is the only way.

If you cling on to the past or keep on revisiting it then it will end up with a break-up.

[Batya33]

"Perhaps somewhere down the line if things are turning for the better you might wish to clearly state that you want a second chance. Take it easy and take it slow to build the trust again. (This was my original plan). "

 

For me/us it worked best not to take it too slowly because of logistics and our situations. There was a long distance issue that had never been true of our first time around such that he probably was going to leave town within a month or so, I was dating up a storm (I was almost 39) and he may have sensed that so the opportunity could have been lost if things were too vague and slow, and we weren't getting any younger.

 

One of his friends advised him to take it more slowly than he did and had he done that he would have been asking for a reconciliation from long distance and that might have affected my mindset/reaction. We saw each other 3 times before he asked to give us a second chance. The first 2 times -and the third time up until 2am that night - nothing was said on the subject, including nothing on email or during our few phone convos between the times we saw each other.

 

The reason we didn't have to take it slow was because the breakup was fairly amicable, it had been almost 8 years, and we had moved on and had the most limited contact during that time, 99% of it impersonal (we had seen each other one time, after about 6 years, for a quick dinner). If we had gotten back together soon after our broken engagement we would have had to take it very slowly and for us, that likely would have meant the death knell -slow would have triggered my overthinking/doubts and too soon after would have meant that neither of us would have gone through the changes we had to go through to be right together.

[loip9114]

Yes, that is true. But as I said that was my original plan. My ex isn't moving away at least not permanently, I heard she would go abroad for 3 months. But most likelly returns after that, so taking it slow would not be a major problem.

 

Yet this is all in the span of 1 year, so perhaps it might even be too soon to reconcile or not. I really have started making changes in my perspective and started thinking more about myself. I cannot wait a year let alone 8. I am still young (26) and therefore more than enough time to find love. But I want to focus on gaining footing in my carreer. I want to get a PhD which will take 4 years at least and I want to get some regrets of my list as I now have that opportunity. But for the PhD I never wanted to move abroad, because I had a relationship and she had a lot of things going here. I never forfeited the idea, just limited my scope. But now seeing as I am single I can move abroad if I had that opportunity, depends on the country. But I wouldn't mind now. Which is a huge advantage and seeing as I already had talks with a limited scope, I might well land one now.

 

BUT you make a fair point, that's also why I believe it is best to ask questions and give advice based on the answers. Because everybody is different, and it works differently for all. I have gone without communication, but for some that's just not possible. One of the major things I have learned is that: Nobody knows exactly what they are doing, everybody is different, and nobody has a golden rule of how to get over it. Merely tips, advice and some tactics to help you through it.

Some are realistic and are able to hear 'She won't return, focus on you'. Others are more romantic and need to hear 'Keep a strong heart and focus on getting better before you move'. All of it is genuine advice, but different for the person.

So yes, taking it slow would possible have made it disasterous in your situation, hats off to you for taking this route.

[Batya33]

I don't think there are golden rules. I think there are guidelines that in general work better than other ideas. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater "we're all different so none of it is relevant" isn't a productive approach IMO. I don't think "keep a strong heart" is "romantic" advice at all -actually I think it's rather realistic and practical depending on how you implement that input.

 

I've never, ever seen a healthful relationship result from one person begging the other or trying to convince the other to come back. Golden rule? If not, darn close. I've never ever seen a healthful relationship resulting from people getting back together solely based on missing each other if the breakup happened because of difference in values.

 

I have seen people give up core dreams and seem to be happily married but "seem" -meaning seem on Facebook. For example a woman who posted on facebook that if she never had a child that would be her deepest regret and a few years later married a man who did not want any more children (they have no children, she is in her 50s) I remember that same woman seeing me at a dinner party when my son was a newborn and home with my husband. She is the only person who ever said to me (ever, in any situation, in all the years since I became a mom) something to the effect like "you came to the party -don't you feel weird being away from your baby -don't you miss him???" So yes maybe she's mostly ok having given up her dream to be with her husband. Mostly.

 

So please don't dismiss well-intentioned advice as "everyone is different". Everyone is, it's true. And there are also truths that generally apply and can be extremely helpful if you're wiling to listen.

 

My niece is your age and 6 months ago moved hundreds of miles away mostly to be with a guy she met on tinder who claimed to have changed his stripes from player to wanting to be in a relationship with her. Disastrous idea. What did I tell her? Nothing at all. Why? Because she didn't ask me and she wouldn't have listened. 2 months later it was over (and I'm glad because she also wants to pursue a phd and he likely would have ended up being an impediment to that). If I had thought for a second she would want to hear what I had to say based on my experiences in relationships and in life I would have done my best to have her avoid this level of stress and upheaval. If she had come to me and asked, of course. So be careful about the rigidity because it might be partly self-sabotage.

[loip9114]

Golden rules don't exist, but as you say some advice is more helpful than others. But with my everybody is different, I mean some advice works for one, while it will be disasterous for another. Somebody adviced me to get drunk and just go out and have one-night-stands. While that might work for him, it will down-right kill me (believe me, I've tried it in another breakup. Took me long to heal from that one). So that's more what I mean with it. When giving advice, IF someone asks for it (as you state with your niece), I believe you need to listen and take into account the actual person asking. Not immediatly tell someone to man up, no contact and move on. Because that works for some and in some situations, but will be a disaster in others.

So my point is more take well-intented advice and listen to it, but decide for yourself IF it applies to you.

 

I also never seen a healthy relationship from begging and pleading from one party. Relationships are a two-people (or more if you're into that) thing, both need to commit and put effort in, one cannot carry the complete burden. So yeah darn close to a golden rule. Because the exception is when in times of need and high stress.

As for that 'seemingly' happy is the worst type of happiness to me. I've been there and done that, hurts like hell. A facade you have to wear the whole time. I am not going to surrender core values and dreams again.

[valavoo]

You all had a lot of long posts while I was asleep lolol let me read

[valavoo]

Okay, I have questions/statements for both of you then, and I'll try to make it about my situation as specifically as possible.

 

First of all, I want to say that you are both right in my eyes. I think what you're saying is very much two sides of the same coin.

 

Now, frankly, I am not at all in any place to take more rejection. However, I feel that it is not possible to have a reconciliation if I am indifferent to the idea i.e. okay with rejection. If I love someone (which, to be honest, I do believe will be forever and I do ask that you not argue against that specific fact) there's simply no way that I'm going to be fine if I get rejected. Not even a little bit fine. I think that's why people say you have to choose between wanting an ex back and 100% "moving on". Blegh, I still hate those two words for some reason.

 

I'm also a little wary about the communication aspect. I did tell him that I couldn't really be friends and that if he wanted to fix things in the future I would be around. Since then, we've barely talked. However very recently he actually initiated contact with me me and we had a normal conversation for the first time since the breakup. It was very short, but it seemed honest. When he asked me how I was I decided NOT to take the advice of "you have to be happy and upbeat when talking to your ex". I answered simply that I was feeling a range of things and asked how he was. He said he'd been feeling a range of things as well. (I don't want to use the exact wording to keep myself relatively anonymous, so if you want to know you'll have to PM me). However, I have heard so many times that it must must be the one who did the breaking up to initiate the contact, because if I'm the one who does it it'll communicate that I'm okay with being friends, which I'm very much not.

 

WHICH IS WHY I've opted to not say anything and just keep living hoping he'll contact me wanting to get back together. I guess I'm really really scared of reaching out because I don't WANT to get rejected again. However other advice says that the only way TO rebuilt anything is to start as friends and work my way back up/basically hoping that friendship turns back into a relationship. It's all very confusing and very difficult. ESPECIALLY because school is starting very soon for both of us (Grad year 1 for me, senior year for him). Even though I've been told time and time again that reconciliation doesn't necessarily have a time limit (I said time three times, no, four LOL), I feel that I've "run out" of it so to speak. Like if we didn't get back together this summer than we never will. Then again, Batya got back together with someone after eight years.

 

In any case I just realized I didn't really ask any questions. I just kinda talked. Sorry.

[loip9114]

I believe that if you truly loved the other it will never die, thus you will always love the other. They hold a special place in your heart.

I will say my opinion about being rejected is different, in the sense that you do not need to be indifferent. As I mentioned elsewhere when I started dating my ex, I was not indifferent I very much wanted something more to happen. We both fell in love really quickly. So the first time I asked her for a date, I already kind of had feelings towards her. But I was prepared to be rejected, even though I wouldn't have liked it. That's more what I mean, you'll still take the hit, because you're not indifferent. But you can stand the hit.

 

If you truly wish to reconcile then you NEED communication. So yes, I think you did right by not ignoring him and also being honest! If they sense or smell that you are being dishonest, why the hell would they take you back? As I mentioned earlier here, I would rather be myself and lose than be another and win/lose. Because if I win while being myself, I've earned it. So no you did good. F*ck those tips about keeping up appearances.

 

As far as the rest, that's the problem of the internet, so much information. You get confused as hell. I honestly believe you can move forward and still want your ex. I honestly believe you can reconcile.

And sometimes it might even be good to be away for a long time. So you both can truly grow and change. I am thinking my ex and I will most likely not have contact for at least 1 year and we will most likely not reconcile within that year. So I am not aiming for it. But again that's my path my way.

 

Bring on the questions!

[Batya33]

"I also never seen a healthy relationship from begging and pleading from one party. Relationships are a two-people (or more if you're into that) thing, both need to commit and put effort in, one cannot carry the complete burden. So yeah darn close to a golden rule. Because the exception is when in times of need and high stress."

 

Not an exception at all -if someone is with you in a romantic relationship because you begged and pleaded and the other person agrees because you're needy and highly stressed (the general "you") then the relationship is not healthy and a short term bandaid. Once the needy person becomes more balanced and the need is gone, the motivation to stay around out of obligation is gone, too. And if the neediness continues the two people involved are not in a healthy relationship because it results from neediness, begging and pleading, not genuine positive feelings and it's also imbalanced.

[Batya33]

"However other advice says that the only way TO rebuilt anything is to start as friends and work my way back up/basically hoping that friendship turns back into a relationship. "

 

Once I felt a spark with my ex there is no way we could have been friends first. Friends talk about who they're dating and who they would like to date and I couldn't have handled that. The first time we had dinner after almost 8 years apart (except for that one brief dinner I'd mentioned) we didn't talk about dating at all which was great -I'd been doing so much dating and was totally burnt out. The second time -still platonic although I felt a spark! - we talked about our exes a little (in part because I'd discovered he'd recently broken up with someone) and he mentioned that he was ready to date again and what he was looking for generally but our conversations were not about dating. The third time we got together, we got back together and I know that if he'd wanted to continue building a "friendship" while I was dating a number of other people and he might have been going on dates I would have wanted to throw up if he talked about other women. And I never throw up!

[loip9114]

"I also never seen a healthy relationship from begging and pleading from one party. Relationships are a two-people (or more if you're into that) thing, both need to commit and put effort in, one cannot carry the complete burden. So yeah darn close to a golden rule. Because the exception is when in times of need and high stress."

 

Not an exception at all -if someone is with you in a romantic relationship because you begged and pleaded and the other person agrees because you're needy and highly stressed (the general "you") then the relationship is not healthy and a short term bandaid. Once the needy person becomes more balanced and the need is gone, the motivation to stay around out of obligation is gone, too. And if the neediness continues the two people involved are not in a healthy relationship because it results from neediness, begging and pleading, not genuine positive feelings and it's also imbalanced.

 

I might then when you are a couple and in times of need sorry. Only then might a relationship be carried for a little while by one person. But when building a new relationship it has to come from both sides.

[loip9114]

"However other advice says that the only way TO rebuilt anything is to start as friends and work my way back up/basically hoping that friendship turns back into a relationship. "

 

Once I felt a spark with my ex there is no way we could have been friends first. Friends talk about who they're dating and who they would like to date and I couldn't have handled that. The first time we had dinner after almost 8 years apart (except for that one brief dinner I'd mentioned) we didn't talk about dating at all which was great -I'd been doing so much dating and was totally burnt out. The second time -still platonic although I felt a spark! - we talked about our exes a little (in part because I'd discovered he'd recently broken up with someone) and he mentioned that he was ready to date again and what he was looking for generally but our conversations were not about dating. The third time we got together, we got back together and I know that if he'd wanted to continue building a "friendship" while I was dating a number of other people and he might have been going on dates I would have wanted to throw up if he talked about other women. And I never throw up!

 

I would not even consider it to be friends not only due to that fact of talking about dates etc. But also because I do not wish to 'settle for less', which a friendship is when you had a romantic relationship. I want to be romantic or else I will disappear. All or nothing baby! wooow!

[valavoo]

Sorry for the slow responses again. I'm in agreement with both of you.

 

It's really hard to be in a normal friendship with him if we aren't going to be working towards getting back together. That's kinda why I've been not saying anything unless he initiates.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm really on the right track here. That is...trying my best to live my own life and do what I want to do instead of constantly reaching out to him. Somehow, even though it's what I've chosen to do, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

 

Batya you're so right about that 'spark'. Once you feel it there's really no way to be 'just friends'.

[loip9114]

Sorry for the slow responses again. I'm in agreement with both of you.

 

It's really hard to be in a normal friendship with him if we aren't going to be working towards getting back together. That's kinda why I've been not saying anything unless he initiates.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm really on the right track here. That is...trying my best to live my own life and do what I want to do instead of constantly reaching out to him. Somehow, even though it's what I've chosen to do, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

 

Batya you're so right about that 'spark'. Once you feel it there's really no way to be 'just friends'.

 

I think confusion is a natural part of this process. Sometimes you need to do things that seem so counter-intuitive at this point. Your brain is planning mind-games with you. I always viewed my brain as addicted and therefore it is doing everything it can to get it's fix. Need that drug. I mean the whole scene in the Trainspotting move where he ends with 'Now I just need one last hit before the valium kicks in' after doing everything to prepare to get of heroine, he sabotages everything in the end just for one final hit. Your brain is constantly begging to get that and nagging you to get that hit. Dammit do it.

 

So perhaps you are confused by that and that confusion kind of infects your desired path. I thought a long time that I was obsessed with my ex 24/7, and at first I was. But at some point I was obsessed with the aftermath of the breakup. My mind was constantly screening my thoughts and memories and internal state for emotions, feelings and anything I had to go through. It was like a virus-scanner going on in my head 24/7. I interpreted this as being obsessed with my ex, but after looking closer at it I found it was actually me focussing insanely well on my own well-being. Almost obsessively focus on my own well-being. It immediatly showed me that while my ex still came to mind from time to time, I was not obsessed with my ex. And the obsessive overthinking actually died down a long time ago. Since then I've had a lot more rest!

 

so that might be your confusion, maybe?

 

As for the 'spark' that's why I say go with your feeling, but make sure you can trust it. Because going with your feeling 1 month after the breakup is mostly a bad idea. But if you are healed, you can trust it again.

[valavoo]

I think confusion is a natural part of this process. Sometimes you need to do things that seem so counter-intuitive at this point. Your brain is planning mind-games with you. I always viewed my brain as addicted and therefore it is doing everything it can to get it's fix. Need that drug. I mean the whole scene in the Trainspotting move where he ends with 'Now I just need one last hit before the valium kicks in' after doing everything to prepare to get of heroine, he sabotages everything in the end just for one final hit. Your brain is constantly begging to get that and nagging you to get that hit. Dammit do it.

 

So perhaps you are confused by that and that confusion kind of infects your desired path. I thought a long time that I was obsessed with my ex 24/7, and at first I was. But at some point I was obsessed with the aftermath of the breakup. My mind was constantly screening my thoughts and memories and internal state for emotions, feelings and anything I had to go through. It was like a virus-scanner going on in my head 24/7. I interpreted this as being obsessed with my ex, but after looking closer at it I found it was actually me focussing insanely well on my own well-being. Almost obsessively focus on my own well-being. It immediatly showed me that while my ex still came to mind from time to time, I was not obsessed with my ex. And the obsessive overthinking actually died down a long time ago. Since then I've had a lot more rest!

 

so that might be your confusion, maybe?

 

As for the 'spark' that's why I say go with your feeling, but make sure you can trust it. Because going with your feeling 1 month after the breakup is mostly a bad idea. But if you are healed, you can trust it again.

 

Mind giving me the short version of that middle paragraph? I'm either tired or I completely don't get what you mean. Confusion marring my path?

[loip9114]

Mind giving me the short version of that middle paragraph? I'm either tired or I completely don't get what you mean. Confusion marring my path?

 

ok bear with me (I am tired and having a bit of a fall-back out of nowhere, sudden longing for my ex again still miss her so much).

What I mean is this:

Currently we have certain feelings stemming from a source lets say A, but unknowingly we are attributing those feelings to B.

So what I mean is that my obsession came from source A: Healing. And I attributed it to B: my ex. Thus thinking I was obsessing about my ex.

 

Now what this means in your situation is:

You are actually confused by source A: the addiction your brain has to your ex and the sudden parting. Cold turkey. and are attributing that to B: the path you wish to follow.

 

So really short, we might feel something and attribute it mistakingly to a thought in our head, while that feeling is not coming from that.

I hope that clears my thought process a bit.

[Batya33]

Mind giving me the short version of that middle paragraph? I'm either tired or I completely don't get what you mean. Confusion marring my path?

 

on the topic of confusion, what always helped me was distilling these relationship issues down to their most basic - using simple language. When I overanalyzed/overthought it became an excuse to not only indulge in that but to prolong the inevitable. I have a friend who has always been a great distiller - and when I was twisting myself in a pretzel to justify a 7 year on and off back and forth relationship he would try to get me down to basics and not let me go on and on about what my doubts could mean, etc When I finally had my aha moment as to why that relationship never really worked it was so obvious, simple and I just needed to be ready to absorb it. About 6 weeks later was when my now husband and I got back together.

[boltnrun]

I desperately, desperately wanted to get back with my ex. Never mind that he'd hurt me by leaving me (via email!) for someone else. I just wanted nothing else but to get back together.

 

We'd communicate every so often, he'd tell me things like "No one understands me the way you do", he'd call me when he and the girlfriend were fighting, his family and friends loved me...so I took all that as signs that we really did belong together and that, once he got that other girl out of his system, he'd realize I was the right one for him.

 

But...I was doing all sorts of unhealthy things trying to keep attached to him. I was getting up extra early so I could peruse his social media and that of the girlfriend. I was also getting up extra early so I could drive by his house to see if her car was parked outside. I was calling his number from a fax machine so if she hit *69 it wouldn't go to my phone. I was "accidentally" sending him blank texts. And, since he told me he wanted to stay "friends", I was dropping by and calling him to talk about BS things I made up so I could say I really needed a friend or needed to talk.

 

After months of this, I got sick and tired! Tired of wanting something that wasn't happening. Tired of expending all that effort trying to keep track of his life. Tired of putting so much of my focus on him instead of on me. Tired of wishing for something that wasn't happening.

 

So, since I seemed to have so little self-control, I took the drastic step of moving hundreds of miles away so I couldn't do most of that ridiculous stuff. And, with distance and clarity, I finally saw that he was absolutely NOT the right man for me! I'd been wishing for something that wasn't even right for me.

 

Topic? This had been our second go-round. We'd dated and I'd left him because he wanted to keep trying to "hook up" with other girls, even doing it right in front of me. So I left him and dated someone else. He begged me back for FIVE entire years, promising me the world. I finally gave in and went back to him because he was so persistent and because he swore I was the one he truly loved. But when I went back he still did the same things that led me to leave him the first time, except this time I was broken down from my previous relationship and allowed him to become the main focus in my life, which made it harder for me to detach from him. I stayed for 4 years and would probably still be there today if he hadn't dumped me for the girl he was cheating on me with.

 

Him dumping me and me moving away made me find my lost self-esteem, my sense of self-worth. And I'll never go back.

 

Funny thing is, I never wanted him back during his 5 years of begging. And it was hard for me to remember that I used to care nothing for him. Well, now I once again care nothing for him and it feels terrific.

 

A relationship doesn't have to be bad or toxic for it to be the wrong match. There doesn't need to be a concrete reason why someone no longer feels the same way they once did for their ex. Sometimes, it really is what it is (and I HATE that phrase!). It's just one of those things that can't be explained.

 

Sometimes time and distance makes you realize you're wrong for one another. And sometimes it makes you realize it's worth working out. But, like others have said before, it takes two.

[valavoo]

I desperately, desperately wanted to get back with my ex. Never mind that he'd hurt me by leaving me (via email!) for someone else. I just wanted nothing else but to get back together.

 

We'd communicate every so often, he'd tell me things like "No one understands me the way you do", he'd call me when he and the girlfriend were fighting, his family and friends loved me...so I took all that as signs that we really did belong together and that, once he got that other girl out of his system, he'd realize I was the right one for him.

 

But...I was doing all sorts of unhealthy things trying to keep attached to him. I was getting up extra early so I could peruse his social media and that of the girlfriend. I was also getting up extra early so I could drive by his house to see if her car was parked outside. I was calling his number from a fax machine so if she hit *69 it wouldn't go to my phone. I was "accidentally" sending him blank texts. And, since he told me he wanted to stay "friends", I was dropping by and calling him to talk about BS things I made up so I could say I really needed a friend or needed to talk.

 

After months of this, I got sick and tired! Tired of wanting something that wasn't happening. Tired of expending all that effort trying to keep track of his life. Tired of putting so much of my focus on him instead of on me. Tired of wishing for something that wasn't happening.

 

So, since I seemed to have so little self-control, I took the drastic step of moving hundreds of miles away so I couldn't do most of that ridiculous stuff. And, with distance and clarity, I finally saw that he was absolutely NOT the right man for me! I'd been wishing for something that wasn't even right for me.

 

Topic? This had been our second go-round. We'd dated and I'd left him because he wanted to keep trying to "hook up" with other girls, even doing it right in front of me. So I left him and dated someone else. He begged me back for FIVE entire years, promising me the world. I finally gave in and went back to him because he was so persistent and because he swore I was the one he truly loved. But when I went back he still did the same things that led me to leave him the first time, except this time I was broken down from my previous relationship and allowed him to become the main focus in my life, which made it harder for me to detach from him. I stayed for 4 years and would probably still be there today if he hadn't dumped me for the girl he was cheating on me with.

 

Him dumping me and me moving away made me find my lost self-esteem, my sense of self-worth. And I'll never go back.

 

Funny thing is, I never wanted him back during his 5 years of begging. And it was hard for me to remember that I used to care nothing for him. Well, now I once again care nothing for him and it feels terrific.

 

A relationship doesn't have to be bad or toxic for it to be the wrong match. There doesn't need to be a concrete reason why someone no longer feels the same way they once did for their ex. Sometimes, it really is what it is (and I HATE that phrase!). It's just one of those things that can't be explained.

 

Sometimes time and distance makes you realize you're wrong for one another. And sometimes it makes you realize it's worth working out. But, like others have said before, it takes two.

 

Ahhhh I'm so sorry that you went through all that difficulty! I'm glad you were able to make a choice for yourself that ended up being better in the long run? People can be ridiculous, though. Especially cheating. I have no tolerance for it. I think I've said this before, but I hope you're doing well now ;v;

[valavoo]

ok bear with me (I am tired and having a bit of a fall-back out of nowhere, sudden longing for my ex again still miss her so much).

What I mean is this:

Currently we have certain feelings stemming from a source lets say A, but unknowingly we are attributing those feelings to B.

So what I mean is that my obsession came from source A: Healing. And I attributed it to B: my ex. Thus thinking I was obsessing about my ex.

 

Now what this means in your situation is:

You are actually confused by source A: the addiction your brain has to your ex and the sudden parting. Cold turkey. and are attributing that to B: the path you wish to follow.

 

So really short, we might feel something and attribute it mistakingly to a thought in our head, while that feeling is not coming from that.

I hope that clears my thought process a bit.

 

Okay, I think I'm following you. I'm kinda mixing a few things in my head -

 

1. My own desire to be with the person I love

2. The external voices telling me confusing things

3. My original feelings of abandonment and whatnot from about a month after the breakup

 

That makes sense. I can see why confusion would set in with all this.

[valavoo]

on the topic of confusion, what always helped me was distilling these relationship issues down to their most basic - using simple language. When I overanalyzed/overthought it became an excuse to not only indulge in that but to prolong the inevitable. I have a friend who has always been a great distiller - and when I was twisting myself in a pretzel to justify a 7 year on and off back and forth relationship he would try to get me down to basics and not let me go on and on about what my doubts could mean, etc When I finally had my aha moment as to why that relationship never really worked it was so obvious, simple and I just needed to be ready to absorb it. About 6 weeks later was when my now husband and I got back together.

 

That is so interesting! Honestly it is helpful to have someone to bounce those things off of. I have one (two, actually) friend who has really helped me see into the basic issues that caused our split. It's both helpful AND hopeful.

 

It's weird because I feel that I'm not portraying exactly how logically I've been thinking about this for a while. This forum tends to get the more emotional side of me, and while I'm definitely veeeery emotional IRL, I have done a considerable amount of thinking and processing my situation. It has been 3+ months after all. And though I'm sad and though I still cry and have moments of emptiness, I can still see the reality of the current situation AND logical paths of the future. I hope that makes some kind of sense.