Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[valavoo]

vesper, what can we do to help you, here? It sounds like your husband loves you and will do his best to contain this situation. But you need to take responsibility for and in it as well. The ex that you are talking about sounds really problematic. If this ex was instrumental in the break up of a different marriage, that is a morality problem and not love. It is more like mischief, and seeing what he can get away with, or what he can get you to do.

 

Depending on the length of the marriage that you are in, or what age or stage of life you are in, you may be in one of those natural periods in which people generally or of course are reflecting on the past and comparing it to the present and finding the present not quite as alluring. But this is where the tire touches the road and you have to make a decision to either keep with your marital vows or to break them yet again.

 

I am not a clinician and even if I were, it wouldn't be my place to say -- but I think you have an opportunity here to commit or soundly recommit to the husband that you have, a man who loves you and knows your health circumstances and your mind's ways, and to be honest with him and pursue in therapy the source of the hook that keeps you wanting to reconnect with this old mayhem from the past.

 

My concern for you is that this person from your past does not authentically have your best interests in mind, no matter how you feel about him or how long you have felt it. A good person will not intrude on another person's marriage, nor destroy it. And a person who does so -- either or both -- if he had been otherwise moral person, who loved and respected you in the way and at the level that you deserve, should've married you on the spot. It doesn't sound like that is what happened. My concern is that your love for him exceeds his for you, and may be based in nostalgia, which is not something that will care for you in ill health or old age.

 

Do what is smart and wise. Be honest with your husband about your feelings for other men, because this may be part of the medical issue and may require treatment regardless who you choose to be with. I don't know how to tell you to make your ex prove whatever he is saying, with concrete actions and quantifiable gestures -- but it sounds like your husband is already doing this, proving his devotion and intention, and therefore he is the better and safest man for you.

 

Buddhism and nonattachment will only get you so far. Unless both are family constructs that have been in your family for generations, both are really just spiritual bookstore talk, and kind of like a fluffy frappucino. If you have a serious medical issue, this sweetness and really self deprivation and anti nourishing will only take you so far, and may in fact hurt you in a way that is not worth it.

 

If you ask yourself what it is you really need in order to live a fulfilled life, what is that? Is it the passing glimpse of this ex from your past, who really sounds like a troublemaker and not an ideal mate or ideal personal support? Or is it the promise of something more lasting and reliable?

 

Don't chase the past. And don't be fooled by it.

 

Again with the wise words.

[valavoo]

Going to repost the questions again in case someone doesn't feel like going all the way back to the beginning.

 

I've asked this before but I thought I would seek more concrete answers because I'm curious.

 

Those who have gotten back with an ex, how in the world did you actually reconnect? I'm not speaking about who contacted who first, rather, I want to know how you got to know each other again and how you dealt with the breaking of trust/the rift that appears when it comes to a breakup.

 

In addition, how did you fare in the meantime - before you rekindled? When those pesky thoughts that threatened to make you sad came up, how did you swat them away? How did you move forward with your life while you were apart?

 

An added couple [ha, couple]: How did your ex get in contact with you again after the time apart? Do the feelings really just....still exist and the ex decides to talk to you again?

 

I especially want to hear the long distance ones though I don't think there are many on this forum!

[valavoo]

Posting this here as well because I think it's relevant.

 

Update: I have decided to quit using breakup buzzwords or 'buzzphrases'.

 

"NC", "LC", "Radio Silence", "GBT", "Become you 2.0!!111", "Breadcrumbs" . Ever had a time where you hear a word or phrases so many times it starts to piss you off? That's basically what I'm saying with those words. I say this ESPECIALLY because they're words that pigeonhole every single breakup into the same routine. It's not magic and it's certainly not routine. I suppose some of you may say that I'm just resentful that these """""proven tactics"""""" don't work for me as they have for others. Maybe I am. But I've definitely been leaning toward the more organic advice I've gotten from some very nice people here, not necessarily because it's different, but because it takes into account the individuality of everyone's situations.

 

In addition, I do worry about the healthiness of a bunch of people who have been broken up with giving each other advice and lifting each other up. I am always one to advocate for positivity, but I also realized that a lot of the people who have been giving me advice are people who haven't gotten back with exes. I wonder what that means or if we're all just support groups for each other and we're all in depressingly hopeless situations. In addition, some of the situations where people got back with their exes seem to be pretty unhealthy to me, and a lot of the ones who have gotten back with their exes in a HEALTHY way don't come back and post about it in any kind of detail. Obviously that is totally within their right! But it's disheartening. I would indeed love to hear from those who have had a successful time re-establishing their relationship.

[dave4443]

I did get back my ex last time, few years ago she left for someone else and I did all the crap of begging and stuff, after 3 months of her ignoring everything I did I have up ( I was a young beta male ) and then when her new relationship started to fail she got back in touch. was great for a while but guess I harboured resentment and we broke up again, she led me on for a bit until I told her I can't be her friend.

 

Thing I've learnt from that is that the time alone and apart is for the best, if I get back with her this time I know it'll be much better as I've been working on myself instead of constantly being depressed, learning to forget and forgive and if it works out in future ( hopefully) will treat it as a new relationship.

 

I have no idea if it will work, I'm doing the whole NIC and often get a call or text about trivial stuff, just act polite and happy, don't respond straight away, but while she's dating someone else I won't be the one to initiate, no sense ignoring and being rude though! So yeah kind of had a reconciliation, just make sure you're mature enough to handle it as I wasn't

[Foreverdumpee]

To add my answer to your original question, I have been broken up and got back together with 2 people. The first one we split because there wasn't mutual love, after one month of zero contact when it was realized that there was love, simply drove to their house, confessed our mutual love and got back together, later got married, divorced 5 years later.

 

The second one dumped me, I ignored her for 3 weeks, which was difficult as we worked together. But once a week for those 3 weeks she would text or call and it was confusing to me as to what her intentions were. She called me one night on the 3rd week and asked me to take her on a date, I did, we got back together that same night as if we hadn't even broke up at all. Then 4 months later she dumps me and didn't even say why. Been NC 4 months since that breakup. So in my experience, not enough time passed by to need to get to know each other again as nothing had really changed.

 

I guess this may not exactly answer your question but I guess it can help show that if there's to be a reconciliation, if it doesn't happen soon after the breakup, it probably never will happen. I don't know anyone who has split for a year or longer and got back together and had it last.

[Ames34]

To add my answer to your original question, I have been broken up and got back together with 2 people. The first one we split because there wasn't mutual love, after one month of zero contact when it was realized that there was love, simply drove to their house, confessed our mutual love and got back together, later got married, divorced 5 years later.

 

The second one dumped me, I ignored her for 3 weeks, which was difficult as we worked together. But once a week for those 3 weeks she would text or call and it was confusing to me as to what her intentions were. She called me one night on the 3rd week and asked me to take her on a date, I did, we got back together that same night as if we hadn't even broke up at all. Then 4 months later she dumps me and didn't even say why. Been NC 4 months since that breakup. So in my experience, not enough time passed by to need to get to know each other again as nothing had really changed.

 

I guess this may not exactly answer your question but I guess it can help show that if there's to be a reconciliation, if it doesn't happen soon after the breakup, it probably never will happen. I don't know anyone who has split for a year or longer and got back together and had it last.

 

This is quite a helpful post, but your last paragraph doesn't seem to make sense..

From what I've read and what you've said above, a reconciliation is LESS likely to be successful if it occurs too soon after the break up. People have not had enough time to reflect and make permanent changes to themselves and their lives, so the reconciliation is less likely to 'stick'.

I'd think that a couple coming back together after 6 months or so, with a period of NC, would have had enough time to process the break up, the reasons for it, and to truly know if they miss each other or not..

 

So yes, a reconciliation may happen soon after a break up, but it's more likely to be due to loneliness/ ego/ insecurity, and therefore will not last, which is what we're all going for right..?

 

Just my take on it anyway...

[valavoo]

This is quite a helpful post, but your last paragraph doesn't seem to make sense..

From what I've read and what you've said above, a reconciliation is LESS likely to be successful if it occurs too soon after the break up. People have not had enough time to reflect and make permanent changes to themselves and their lives, so the reconciliation is less likely to 'stick'.

I'd think that a couple coming back together after 6 months or so, with a period of NC, would have had enough time to process the break up, the reasons for it, and to truly know if they miss each other or not..

 

So yes, a reconciliation may happen soon after a break up, but it's more likely to be due to loneliness/ ego/ insecurity, and therefore will not last, which is what we're all going for right..?

 

Just my take on it anyway...

 

Indeed. I think ForeverDumpee is not right in saying that people don't get back together if the breakup was for a year plus. I dunno, sounds kinda pointlessly negative to me. Though I always appreciate stories.

[mandeelove]

I dont think there should be a timeline on getting back together. I think and have heard stories of people getting back together right away or even years down the line. The key i think is to learn from the breakup and fix your side of the breakup. Always be better so if u get back together u dont pick up where u left off. Theres got to be improvement on both sides! Love is powerful and if its true love, two people will always come back to each other. Live life normally...dont put your life on hold...thats key. Because if it doesnt work out, u still grew either way and maybe fall for someone better fit.. u never know. But if u really want them, have faith. Pray if thats your thing. Really believe it could happen. Manifest it by being positive and feeling it could happen for u. The scariest part is letting go and stop worrying if they will be dating anyone. They def will! But its got to happen to play its course in reconciliation. Sometimes they even have to get their heart broken by another.... In my opinion....

[Foreverdumpee]

Very good points made about my situations, I've never had an ex try to reconnect after more than 2 months. They all had someone new by then and never heard from them again. But it is the only experience I have therefore is all that I know. Was simply adding another story and perspective to the collection.

[Ames34]

Very good points made about my situations, I've never had an ex try to reconnect after more than 2 months. They all had someone new by then and never heard from them again. But it is the only experience I have therefore is all that I know. Was simply adding another story and perspective to the collection.

 

This is very true as well.. I think that the factor of your ex having a rebound can change everything. I know the last time I dumped someone, I already had feelings for someone else, so there was no way I would have gone back no matter what he did... it's quite sad, but at the same time I had given him more than six months to remedy his behaviour, and he chose not to.

 

But if they are going to meet someone else here's really nothing you can do about that. And who wants to be with someone who could move on from you so quickly anyway..?

[valavoo]

Very good points made about my situations, I've never had an ex try to reconnect after more than 2 months. They all had someone new by then and never heard from them again. But it is the only experience I have therefore is all that I know. Was simply adding another story and perspective to the collection.

 

We DO appreciate shared stories, don't get me wrong ;v;

[valavoo]

I feel gross today. Utterly disgusting, hope squashed, all of that.

 

I know I'm supposed to be the friendly believer on the forum but something broke me. I'm sure it was partially those people who told me to just give up but...I don't know how much longer I can keep being this beacon of hope when all we're doing here is floundering together and being nothing but a bunch of hopeless lovesick desperate people.

 

Maybe the harsh people were right. Maybe the real reason we don't hear from people who got back together is because people don't get back together. Maybe we're all just wrong to believe. If we did, maybe we wouldn't even be on this forum in the first place.

 

I'm sure there are some of you who would say "oh good job I'm glad you finally realized that now move on and get to healing," but that's not what I want to do. I want to keep on believing, but apparently we're just not allowed to do that. We're not allowed to have hope for five seconds because it's stupid and apparently the reality is just that someone we had a great connection with is gone and they probably don't give a crap about us anymore. We're not allowed to lift each other up, only to give "reality checks" and use evidence that could go toward either direction to the negative one.

 

It's enraging to me that there is no action that I personally can take in this time apart. It is horrible that ever day we're apart is another memory missed that we can't have. It's awful that I have absolutely no bravery to just text him and ask him to talk or something.

 

I don't know how much longer I can keep up the positivity thing when no one else seems to want to give it back. I feel completely alone in this. I know that belief is supposed to come from inside, but how the absolute he** am I supposed to keep believing when I don't have a support system to do that?!

 

Good lord, I am so utterly completely hopeless.

[Thebighere]

Hello Valvoo,

I am sorry you are having a hard day.

I personally think there are *loads* of positive people here!

 

You are going to have your good days and your bad days. Today seems like a tough one.

 

I believe there *is* action you can take while you are apart. Are there things you would like to work on to improve yourself and/or future relationship? Self improvement is something you can always do! Writing lists really help me If you do get back together, i am sure you want to be the best version of yourself.

 

((((hugs))))

 

"I know I'm supposed to be the friendly believer on the forum but something broke me."

Would it help to talk about what broke you? x

[valavoo]

Hello Valvoo,

I am sorry you are having a hard day.

I personally think there are *loads* of positive people here!

 

You are going to have your good days and your bad days. Today seems like a tough one.

 

I believe there *is* action you can take while you are apart. Are there things you would like to work on to improve yourself and/or future relationship? Self improvement is something you can always do! Writing lists really help me If you do get back together, i am sure you want to be the best version of yourself.

 

((((hugs))))

 

"I know I'm supposed to be the friendly believer on the forum but something broke me."

Would it help to talk about what broke you? x

 

 

Hi hi sweet human. You're right, today IS a tough one. What broke me was nothing in particular, I just let all the doubts I've heard here on the forums and some people IRL get to me. I'm still feeling really low and like all my hope is gone.

 

I honestly do want to keep improving myself, but unfortunately I've always felt I have pressure on my back from various people in my IRL life to constantly be "excellent". I'm getting tired on that front as well.

 

Weirdly enough I heard from him in a meaningful way for the first time since May (after I posted). Interesting how on my lowest day something kinda positive happens.

[Ames34]

Hi hi sweet human. You're right, today IS a tough one. What broke me was nothing in particular, I just let all the doubts I've heard here on the forums and some people IRL get to me. I'm still feeling really low and like all my hope is gone.

 

I honestly do want to keep improving myself, but unfortunately I've always felt I have pressure on my back from various people in my IRL life to constantly be "excellent". I'm getting tired on that front as well.

 

Weirdly enough I heard from him in a meaningful way for the first time since May (after I posted). Interesting how on my lowest day something kinda positive happens.

 

Has a VERY low day yesterday too, you're not alone

 

Ride those lows and remember everything is temporary.

 

Funny that happened, how did you feel when you heard from him?

I finally decided to go NC with mine and heard from him within hours, life is so strange...

[Wisebutsodumb]

I feel gross today. Utterly disgusting, hope squashed, all of that.

 

I know I'm supposed to be the friendly believer on the forum but something broke me. I'm sure it was partially those people who told me to just give up but...I don't know how much longer I can keep being this beacon of hope when all we're doing here is floundering together and being nothing but a bunch of hopeless lovesick desperate people.

 

Maybe the harsh people were right. Maybe the real reason we don't hear from people who got back together is because people don't get back together. Maybe we're all just wrong to believe. If we did, maybe we wouldn't even be on this forum in the first place.

 

I'm sure there are some of you who would say "oh good job I'm glad you finally realized that now move on and get to healing," but that's not what I want to do. I want to keep on believing, but apparently we're just not allowed to do that. We're not allowed to have hope for five seconds because it's stupid and apparently the reality is just that someone we had a great connection with is gone and they probably don't give a crap about us anymore. We're not allowed to lift each other up, only to give "reality checks" and use evidence that could go toward either direction to the negative one.

 

It's enraging to me that there is no action that I personally can take in this time apart. It is horrible that ever day we're apart is another memory missed that we can't have. It's awful that I have absolutely no bravery to just text him and ask him to talk or something.

 

I don't know how much longer I can keep up the positivity thing when no one else seems to want to give it back. I feel completely alone in this. I know that belief is supposed to come from inside, but how the absolute he** am I supposed to keep believing when I don't have a support system to do that?!

 

Good lord, I am so utterly completely hopeless.

 

Hey Val,

 

Listen here, you have your belief correct? Your hope that you carry within you. That is yours, you hold onto it. It is inside your heart, not in your brain. People who speak to you can only reach your brain, and make you think a certain way, but you heart will feel a certain way, and that is your choice on how to feel. I'm sure a lot of on here wouldn't mind having our exes back. I mean even you told me I had no hope to get mine back.

 

That didn't take away my ounce of hope that I still have within. The thing is I'm not waiting for it anymore, I hope one day she just messages me again or says hi.

 

Why? Because the only thing that is keeping my hope alive is that she will remember how good I was to her. That her thoughts of me would be happy instead of depressing, that she finds herself and wakes up entirely. That she remembers how happy she was to be with me and remembers all I did, that all I did is not forgotten. That I wasn't just a lesson or moment in her.

 

You see you love and care for your ex. You want to support, care and guide them right? But now your in no position to. They don't need you, and they never did, they lived without you before you came into there life. Sure you could've made their life easier and happier but to be honest with, especially in a LDR, your more easily replaced, that being said you should still not hinder from your feelings.

 

Also usually the people who get back together probably arnt on the sight anymore...because they back with their ex. No offense to No1 or Miss Canuck, they will tell you straight up move on, get on with yourself and be happy.

 

And they are right in an aspect,

Get over it. Break-ups happen, yeah it sucks a lot.

 

 

Your old relationship is dead, you want a new one? Build yourself, build a new better you, because if the relationship was perfect this all wouldn't of happened.

 

But you don't need to move on, and disregard that person but they can't be your goal. Your goal has to be you. And then when you are happy you can make your next goal him or her, but it is really important your at your best.

 

You want to be able to build and grow with your partner not start where you ended. You want to start at a higher level. A level with more fresh air.

If you really want this you will really analyze what went wrong and went right. Look for the signs and then start to build.

 

 

 

Yeah they're a lot of negative people in this world and cold people but it's your choice to do what your heart desires. No one will stop you but you.

 

Don't pause your life for someone who is not waiting on you. It's your time to work on yourself.

 

I know how it feels to read this get back together stories. They make you happy, but don't lose yourself in that world. Every situation is different.

 

If you want the best chance of getting him or her back. Build a new you.

 

 

I'm rooting for you and I will root for anyone who wants to get back with their ex because it takes a lot of strength just don't forget about yourself

[Thebighere]

Hi hi sweet human. You're right, today IS a tough one. What broke me was nothing in particular, I just let all the doubts I've heard here on the forums and some people IRL get to me. I'm still feeling really low and like all my hope is gone.

 

I honestly do want to keep improving myself, but unfortunately I've always felt I have pressure on my back from various people in my IRL life to constantly be "excellent". I'm getting tired on that front as well.

 

Weirdly enough I heard from him in a meaningful way for the first time since May (after I posted). Interesting how on my lowest day something kinda positive happens.

 

Then take the pressure off of yourself. Big kind and gentle with yourself. Have a hot drink. Be still Don't be hard on yourself - you are going through something very hard. Give yourself the space to feel bad, frustrated, hopeless in the moments when it feels overwhelming - just don't dwell. You will be able to get yourself into a better way of feeling afterwards. That's just the healing process.

 

How are you feeling today?

[kleinspark]

Valavoo, how long have you and your ex been apart?

[valavoo]

Then take the pressure off of yourself. Big kind and gentle with yourself. Have a hot drink. Be still Don't be hard on yourself - you are going through something very hard. Give yourself the space to feel bad, frustrated, hopeless in the moments when it feels overwhelming - just don't dwell. You will be able to get yourself into a better way of feeling afterwards. That's just the healing process.

 

How are you feeling today?

 

 

I was okay, anxious and sad but okay, until I came on here and read that I'm easily replaceable and I should get over it. Doesn't matter though I guesss. I think what I hate most is that I really like being nice to other people, to be sweet and helpful, but I feel myself getting cold here. I had to erase something I was gonna send to an above poster because it was straight up mean.

[valavoo]

Valavoo, how long have you and your ex been apart?

 

We have been apart three months. Why?

[Wisebutsodumb]

I was okay, anxious and sad but okay, until I came on here and read that I'm easily replaceable and I should get over it. Doesn't matter though I guesss. I think what I hate most is that I really like being nice to other people, to be sweet and helpful, but I feel myself getting cold here. I had to erase something I was gonna send to an above poster because it was straight up mean.

 

Guess that was to me, I thought it was inspirational and not offending. Sorry if it was.

 

I didn't think I was stepping on anyone, if you want you can pvt message me. I honestly don't think I said anything that would detriment your hope and it wasn't the usual stuff ppl say

 

Based off people who have in breakup, I feel like in some sort of sense of direction that is the best way to go, because it's not healthy to think about them all day or all night.

 

 

Good luck with everything though. I hope it works out for you in the end

[valavoo]

Guess that was to me, I thought it was inspirational and not offending. Sorry if it was.

 

I didn't think I was stepping on anyone, if you want you can pvt message me. I honestly don't think I said anything that would detriment your hope and it wasn't the usual stuff ppl say

 

Based off people who have in breakup, I feel like in some sort of sense of direction that is the best way to go, because it's not healthy to think about them all day or all night.

 

 

Good luck with everything though. I hope it works out for you in the end

 

This is 100000% not your fault. There are some people who have been terribly rude to me on this forum, and you are not one of them, so I do apologize for my snippyness. This is me having a lot of trouble staying in my standard pleasant demeanor. Please know that you have a right to say literally a thing and it's my own fault I am currently picking out the negative in otherwise positive posts. I may take a small break from the forum until I can get my head straight.

[Batya33]

Going to repost the questions again in case someone doesn't feel like going all the way back to the beginning.

 

I've asked this before but I thought I would seek more concrete answers because I'm curious.

 

Those who have gotten back with an ex, how in the world did you actually reconnect? I'm not speaking about who contacted who first, rather, I want to know how you got to know each other again and how you dealt with the breaking of trust/the rift that appears when it comes to a breakup.

 

In addition, how did you fare in the meantime - before you rekindled? When those pesky thoughts that threatened to make you sad came up, how did you swat them away? How did you move forward with your life while you were apart?

 

An added couple [ha, couple]: How did your ex get in contact with you again after the time apart? Do the feelings really just....still exist and the ex decides to talk to you again?

 

I especially want to hear the long distance ones though I don't think there are many on this forum!

 

We were able to get back together because of all the time that had passed (almost 8 years) and all the changes we had made independently from our early 30s till our late 30s. Also our breakup was as amicable as it could be even with our cancelled wedding. Our parents were so happy we were getting back together so that helped, as well as our friends.

We moved forward by living life including getting involved with others (but neither of us married or really lived with anyone) and working on our careers and professional goals, social life, volunteer work (me) and he moved to different cities. We were concerned that the same thing would happen again but when we got back together we had a short conversation to make sure we were on the same page especially since we were going to be long distance. We discussed how marriage was our goal this time around and we were exclusive from the first day.

[kleinspark]

We have been apart three months. Why?

 

I ask because I'm almost 7 months out of a 6 year relationship (not by my choice). I found that the 3rd month was one of the hardest. I guess just keep your head up, I honestly thought I was going to be stuck like that forever, but I took the steps to get myself better (counseling, friends, volunteering, and the biggest I stopped looking at social media). I hate hearing these words, but they are true, "give it time". I still hate it but it's really the only thing

[valavoo]

I ask because I'm almost 7 months out of a 6 year relationship (not by my choice). I found that the 3rd month was one of the hardest. I guess just keep your head up, I honestly thought I was going to be stuck like that forever, but I took the steps to get myself better (counseling, friends, volunteering, and the biggest I stopped looking at social media). I hate hearing these words, but they are true, "give it time". I still hate it but it's really the only thing

 

Thank you for the kind words.