Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[vesper]

Since May 5th. So almost 3 months.

 

Have you had any contact with him during this time?

[valavoo]

Have you had any contact with him during this time?

 

Yes. Intermittent messages from him about random stuff we are both interested in. That's about it. Is this relevant to the main question on my thread or are you just curious?

[vesper]

I was just curious to see if I could tell if you had a chance to get back together with him. Sorry to annoy you but if you give him the gift of missing you and NC and move on and date others and really do NC and get back to the way things were when you first met I would say you would have a chance of getting back.l DISCIPLINE>

[valavoo]

I was just curious to see if I could tell if you had a chance to get back together with him. Sorry to annoy you but if you give him the gift of missing you and NC and move on and date others and really do NC and get back to the way things were when you first met I would say you would have a chance of getting back.l DISCIPLINE>

 

You aren't annoying me AT ALL. PLEASE don't worry about it in the least

 

Ames34 and I have similar situations. As of rn, I did 30 days of nc and am now letting him message me when he wants, though I don't respond much. I feel that he is going through some thing gigs like, though not with another person rather...we've been together for so long I feel that he may need time to grow by himself. While I would like to 'get back to how i was when we met', I actually prefer to embrace the changes in both of us, and I most certainly don't want to pretend to be happy when I'm not. I also prefer to use the term 'move forward' rather than 'move on', because to me move on has always denoted 'never going back'. Move forward tends to mean keep living your life without forgetting about them. All around, though, sound advice and I do appreciate it. I've been good about not contacting him!

 

I'm trying to make some pancakes right now but I'll come back when I have a stomach full of carbs and syrup LOL .

[dave4443]

Sorry you're in that position Valavoo! Going through the same now but only 8 days of no contact as I know she's been going on dates with someone else. Hurts like hell but I know the chances she marries this guy are slim so I keep up hope. But I'm not going to message, not anytime soon anyway, going to keep working out and working on my career and then even if I don't get her back I know I've become the best person possible and will ultimately find someone even better ( or so I tell myself for now )

[valavoo]

Sorry you're in that position Valavoo! Going through the same now but only 8 days of no contact as I know she's been going on dates with someone else. Hurts like hell but I know the chances she marries this guy are slim so I keep up hope. But I'm not going to message, not anytime soon anyway, going to keep working out and working on my career and then even if I don't get her back I know I've become the best person possible and will ultimately find someone even better ( or so I tell myself for now )

 

We support you here!

[dave4443]

We support you here!

 

Haha thanks! Doing a lot better, as a female what do you think the chances this is a rebound are? We were getting on well in those 6 weeks getting to know eachother and kissing and cuddling sometimes over night, but then she sprung wanting to date a couple days later so I said no contact. She's been on another date with the same guy, maybe more I don't know seeing as I'm in no contact... just hoping the No contact works one way or the other eventually haha

[valavoo]

Haha thanks! Doing a lot better, as a female what do you think the chances this is a rebound are? We were getting on well in those 6 weeks getting to know eachother and kissing and cuddling sometimes over night, but then she sprung wanting to date a couple days later so I said no contact. She's been on another date with the same guy, maybe more I don't know seeing as I'm in no contact... just hoping the No contact works one way or the other eventually haha

 

I read your posts. It's probably a rebound or a coping mechanism but I think she's not being fair to you at all.

[valavoo]

OK SO. I've been a liiittle too distracted on this post, so please please let's try to keep it relevant from now on! I'd like to discuss how and why exes reconnect and how the trust is rebuilt.

[dave4443]

I read your posts. It's probably a rebound or a coping mechanism but I think she's not being fair to you at all.

 

Thanks! Yeah I do hope so, part of me gets a little angrier at how she led me on though every day, granted I wasn't the best at the end due to uni but I did everything possible for her to spring dating on to me. Got past the week I said I'd message her without speaking, so don't know if I ever will now, not worth going back to square one for what seems like no chance at the moment. Just gotta let her run the course with the new guy if it ever ends!

 

Eventually we will be much better looking and successful anyways

[jenny_mcs]

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. There is really nothing like it in the world. The strength of the emotions you feel during this period are astounding. You know that so many other people have felt this way, but the despair is so uniquely yours.

 

 

My husband and I broke up twice while we were dating. Once for a few months - I started my first thread on ENA about breaking up with him and going NC. We got back together after about 2 months and it was a huge mistake. Nothing had really changed (how could it in 2 months?) so we broke up again months later. We muddled along, broken up, but still talking and seeing each other. After a couple of months of this, I finally went NC. He tried to keep in contact, but eventually also went NC. We didn’t see or speak to each other for almost a year.

 

 

He sent me an email after almost one year of full, hard-core NC, and we talked. We began dating again, and about 8 months later got engaged. We got married about 8 months after that, and a few years later had our little boy.

 

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but there are 2 things that I feel enabled us to get back together. One is in your control and one is not.

 

 

 

• You have to let go. I know, I know. But you do. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t think he is the one for you. But letting go means you take full responsibility for your happiness, and realize there is a huge beautiful world out there, and SO many things and people that you can take joy in. When my husband and I were split up, I found (and in many cases re-discovered) so many things that brought me happiness. I hiked really hard hikes with my dog. I deepened my friendships (so important). I dug in at work. I traveled, I knitted a sweater, I dated a guy who owned a boat and we went sailing and then we took cooking lessons together! It sounds SO cliche, like some kind of montage from a romantic comedy, but it is what it is. You have to be able to make yourself happy. I never thought I would see or hear from my now husband again, and I made peace with that, by making myself happy. The guy with the boat didn’t work out, so I casually dated another guy, a really funny and nerdy IT guy. I realized that in all of the world, my then ex was not the source of my happiness (I was), and not he was not the only man I could connect with. I thought about what I had done wrong in my past relationship, and really worked on my shortcomings and tried to practice new habits with these guys I was dating. So, that is the first thing, and it is totally within your control.
  

 

 

• The second thing, which is totally out of your control, is that he has to get out in the world, and learn some things about himself, and grow, and change. And maybe this will lead him to another place altogether. And maybe this will lead him back to you. It’s terrifying, I know. But it didn’t work out the first time (or in our case the first two times), so everyone has to shift and grow and realize some things for it to work again.
  

 

 

As far as our actual reconciliation, it wasn’t awkward or confusing. He emailed me, said he had been thinking of me, had thought of me so much over the past year, and could we talk? I wasn’t desperate, wasn’t unhappy, wasn’t lonely, but I was hesitant. I told him of course I had thought about him, but I was in a really good place, and was not up for Round 3 of our same old stuff. We emailed back and forth a little bit. He showed up at my door a few nights later, and we went out for a drink, and then took a walk. Put everything out on the table, and started dating again. It’s hard to explain how I knew it was different, but he was so open about what had gone wrong, and what he wanted for our future, and what he had realized, and how he had missed me. He was so vulnerable, that it was easy for me to open up, too. It just flowed. So, that’s how it happened, and after years and years of marriage and raising our son, it does feel like a (large-ish) blip on the radar.

 

 

I am sending you huge hugs! I know you will get through this challenging time.

[valavoo]

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. There is really nothing like it in the world. The strength of the emotions you feel during this period are astounding. You know that so many other people have felt this way, but the despair is so uniquely yours.

 

 

My husband and I broke up twice while we were dating. Once for a few months - I started my first thread on ENA about breaking up with him and going NC. We got back together after about 2 months and it was a huge mistake. Nothing had really changed (how could it in 2 months?) so we broke up again months later. We muddled along, broken up, but still talking and seeing each other. After a couple of months of this, I finally went NC. He tried to keep in contact, but eventually also went NC. We didn’t see or speak to each other for almost a year.

 

 

He sent me an email after almost one year of full, hard-core NC, and we talked. We began dating again, and about 8 months later got engaged. We got married about 8 months after that, and a few years later had our little boy.

 

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but there are 2 things that I feel enabled us to get back together. One is in your control and one is not.

 

 

 

• You have to let go. I know, I know. But you do. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t think he is the one for you. But letting go means you take full responsibility for your happiness, and realize there is a huge beautiful world out there, and SO many things and people that you can take joy in. When my husband and I were split up, I found (and in many cases re-discovered) so many things that brought me happiness. I hiked really hard hikes with my dog. I deepened my friendships (so important). I dug in at work. I traveled, I knitted a sweater, I dated a guy who owned a boat and we went sailing and then we took cooking lessons together! It sounds SO cliche, like some kind of montage from a romantic comedy, but it is what it is. You have to be able to make yourself happy. I never thought I would see or hear from my now husband again, and I made peace with that, by making myself happy. The guy with the boat didn’t work out, so I casually dated another guy, a really funny and nerdy IT guy. I realized that in all of the world, my then ex was not the source of my happiness (I was), and not he was not the only man I could connect with. I thought about what I had done wrong in my past relationship, and really worked on my shortcomings and tried to practice new habits with these guys I was dating. So, that is the first thing, and it is totally within your control.
  

 

 

• The second thing, which is totally out of your control, is that he has to get out in the world, and learn some things about himself, and grow, and change. And maybe this will lead him to another place altogether. And maybe this will lead him back to you. It’s terrifying, I know. But it didn’t work out the first time (or in our case the first two times), so everyone has to shift and grow and realize some things for it to work again.
  

 

 

As far as our actual reconciliation, it wasn’t awkward or confusing. He emailed me, said he had been thinking of me, had thought of me so much over the past year, and could we talk? I wasn’t desperate, wasn’t unhappy, wasn’t lonely, but I was hesitant. I told him of course I had thought about him, but I was in a really good place, and was not up for Round 3 of our same old stuff. We emailed back and forth a little bit. He showed up at my door a few nights later, and we went out for a drink, and then took a walk. Put everything out on the table, and started dating again. It’s hard to explain how I knew it was different, but he was so open about what had gone wrong, and what he wanted for our future, and what he had realized, and how he had missed me. He was so vulnerable, that it was easy for me to open up, too. It just flowed. So, that’s how it happened, and after years and years of marriage and raising our son, it does feel like a (large-ish) blip on the radar.

 

 

I am sending you huge hugs! I know you will get through this challenging time.

 

Thank you for this comment, lovely human! I am currently in the process of "creating my own happiness". I dunno about dating other people, but I am definitely doing things to keep myself busy. I start grad school in like, a month, so that will DEFINITELY keep me busy and bring on new experiences as well. This was probably the best description of 'letting go' I've heard.

 

Did you have any indication at all that he missed you while you were apart?

 

Thank you for the realistic answer to the question and your kindness in giving me advice as well.

[robin13]

She came back to me after 4 months of begging. she said she missed me. I lied to her again and things just went down hill. She now won't even speak to me anymore. you put one foot wrong and they are gone.

[valavoo]

She came back to me after 4 months of begging. she said she missed me. I lied to her again and things just went down hill. She now won't even speak to me anymore. you put one foot wrong and they are gone.

 

Whoa whoa. You lied to her? Why did you lie? That is not grounds for a good relationship at all! D:

[rollie]

Well you've already read my getting back together story, but I'll post it again here:

 

Fiance broke up with me, I spent 8 months NC, working on myself and my life. I made a decision to reach out to her due to her father's injury, and we decided to give it another go after talking over everything that day. Things are still going slow, and there are no timetables as to when things are going to progress. We're letting them progress naturally, and slowly. We started out with phone calls and texts for 2 weeks. Half the time the calls were fun and light, the other part of them were a little more on the serious side, discussing things we were too timid to talk about the first time around. Laying down guidelines, so to speak. Talking about our issues, and how we can avoid them in the future. My thoughts on things I didn't like, her thoughts on things she didn't like from me, and then we would discuss how to fix those things if they were to arise again. So in that sense, our communication has improved greatly.

 

After our 2 weeks of phone calls, we started dating casually once or twice a week. Nothing major, just dinners, movies, etc. No spending nights or weekends together. Just day dates. We've now progressed to seeing each other about 2-3 times a week, but still no spending nights. As for trust issues, I don't really think we have any now. We are very open with our communication, we both know what each other is up to on any given day, and we have nothing to hide from one another. I have been working on doing the things I say I'll do, and just being open that way, there doesn't appear to be any trust issue.

 

During our 8 months NC, I stayed focus with school, and work, and counselling. I finished off my final 2 semesters of college and wrote my final exam. I then proceeded to strive hard at work, getting a promotion and pay raise. Then I went to counselling to help fix some of the flaws that plagued me in the relationship. Doing these things, plus spending time with family and friends helped pass the time. Because we have a very special kind of relationship, and the split was mutual, I knew in my heart that we would find our way back to each other down the road. I just knew we weren't done, so I carried that with me. Writing in a journal also helped to put me into good spirits, and get rid of the negative thoughts.

[valavoo]

Well you've already read my getting back together story, but I'll post it again here:

 

Fiance broke up with me, I spent 8 months NC, working on myself and my life. I made a decision to reach out to her due to her father's injury, and we decided to give it another go after talking over everything that day. Things are still going slow, and there are no timetables as to when things are going to progress. We're letting them progress naturally, and slowly. We started out with phone calls and texts for 2 weeks. Half the time the calls were fun and light, the other part of them were a little more on the serious side, discussing things we were too timid to talk about the first time around. Laying down guidelines, so to speak. Talking about our issues, and how we can avoid them in the future. My thoughts on things I didn't like, her thoughts on things she didn't like from me, and then we would discuss how to fix those things if they were to arise again. So in that sense, our communication has improved greatly.

 

After our 2 weeks of phone calls, we started dating casually once or twice a week. Nothing major, just dinners, movies, etc. No spending nights or weekends together. Just day dates. We've now progressed to seeing each other about 2-3 times a week, but still no spending nights. As for trust issues, I don't really think we have any now. We are very open with our communication, we both know what each other is up to on any given day, and we have nothing to hide from one another. I have been working on doing the things I say I'll do, and just being open that way, there doesn't appear to be any trust issue.

 

During our 8 months NC, I stayed focus with school, and work, and counselling. I finished off my final 2 semesters of college and wrote my final exam. I then proceeded to strive hard at work, getting a promotion and pay raise. Then I went to counselling to help fix some of the flaws that plagued me in the relationship. Doing these things, plus spending time with family and friends helped pass the time. Because we have a very special kind of relationship, and the split was mutual, I knew in my heart that we would find our way back to each other down the road. I just knew we weren't done, so I carried that with me. Writing in a journal also helped to put me into good spirits, and get rid of the negative thoughts.

 

Asking you a specific question - how in the heck did you keep your faith all that time? Did people tell you not to? Did you go ahead and date others as well?

[vesper]

Hey valavoo! Ya alright? Wish I could post about my ex but my original thread about him got locked daughter is leaving tomorrow and he wants to have a serious talk tomorrow night.

[valavoo]

Hey valavoo! Ya alright? Wish I could post about my ex but my original thread about him got locked daughter is leaving tomorrow and he wants to have a serious talk tomorrow night.

 

If you wanna talk, maybe send me a PM? I want to try to keep this thread a little more on topic because I really need that right now. Also, I don't think you should meet with your ex...you have a husband...

[valavoo]

[from now on, i want to 100% stay on topic. Thank you]

[valavoo]

On topic question: some of the "so called" relationship experts say that if you don't get your ex back in a certain amount of time then you won't. They also say that it's a bad sign if your ex doesn't speak to you often when you're in NC. This directly conflicts with what people say here about reconnecting. Sometimes people go from nothing to being in love again in a matter of simple emails/texts. What say you?

[vesper]

Always keep busy, work on yourself. LET THEM COME TO you by showing that you've got yourself back. Really show them that you have!!!! GOOD LUCK VALAVOO!!!! xxxxxxx - bondgirl

[eidetic]

Mind that most relationship experts online are selling programs, teleclasses, and conference seats. The sense of urgency seen in all of them is a marketing tactic.

 

Some couples only reunite after their 25th or 50th HS reunions. Some reunite 20 years after divorcing. Most of the successful reconciliations I've witnessed have happened only after either or both parties explored other (sometimes several) love relationships with other people. Sometimes we have to really grow a lot further in our own paths before they connect up again and can go forward together.

 

We live in a world/time/culture of immediate gratification, but that's not how these things work. To keep faith, lean into faith -- while also leaning hard into your own self and path. There is so much else to learn and do while the time keeps passing. If we don't take advantage of the opportunity and space for self growing, but keep focusing instead on the relationship or partner or the potential of that couplehood, we run the risk of being too serious and heavy if there ever comes a time when that person or possibility shows up again.

 

Think of it as all the things that happen in time lapse photography. That flower is you.

[Tomthumb88]

Well said! I think the culture has this notion that once we "move on" everything between two people are forever finished. In most cases, it's probably true but not always. I also think hanging on to a bit of hope isn't a bad thing as long as it's not hindering personal progress

[Disenchanted]

Just leaving this TedTalk about forgiveness from the perspective of the dumper who eventually goes back to ex after 16 months of LC:

 

[valavoo]

just leaving this tedtalk about forgiveness from the perspective of the dumper who eventually goes back to ex after 16 months of lc:

]

 

tbh best ted talk ever thank you