Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[Thani]

Ames, about 5 months.

We talked about non relationship things, went to the cinema a few times, took long walks or we cooked something together. It was never a real friendship though since I always clearly stated that I'm interested in a second relationship and I told him to let me know if he would just see me as a "regular friend". We actually were almost there since we tried not to touch each other apart from the "hello-and-goodbye" hug and act "casual" around each other. So in OUR case that "acting happy and aloof" almost killed our chance. We both felt that the other one was not his or her true self and then.

That's also something that we had to learn. At the beginning of our breakup phase we always told ourselves that we could be friends one day. Now we both see that's just not the case. We still care way too much and we would always be caught in the same circle of laughing together, having more feelings, being sad the relationship is over and then talking about it until we laughed again.

 

I admit that I would have gone NC if he would have seen me just as a friend... Try to live my own life and then MAYBE to reconnect with him in a year or so.

 

So it was a bit like:

 

Phase 1: We talked a lot about the betrayal, I was still very hurt and sad. My darkest phase, of course.

Phase 2: We tried to heal apart from each other, occasional contact, "happy and aloof" acting, learning a lot apart from each other. Still talked about the past but we were more focused on each as a individual. Be both tried some "online flirting", no dates though.

Phase 3: We realized that we would always be in each others claws if we didn't give us a second chance. The relationship was never bad, it was just a LTR with two mostly unexperienced individuals. We didn't know better. Talking is now more hopeful, we both feel more stable, more physical contact helped a lot! No more online flirting on both sides. We're taking it slow, we'll see ;3

[Ames34]

Ames, about 5 months.

We talked about non relationship things, went to the cinema a few times, took long walks or we cooked something together. It was never a real friendship though since I always clearly stated that I'm interested in a second relationship and I told him to let me know if he would just see me as a "regular friend". We actually were almost there since we tried not to touch each other apart from the "hello-and-goodbye" hug and act "casual" around each other. So in OUR case that "acting happy and aloof" almost killed our chance. We both felt that the other one was not his or her true self and then.

That's also something that we had to learn. At the beginning of our breakup phase we always told ourselves that we could be friends one day. Now we both see that's just not the case. We still care way too much and we would always be caught in the same circle of laughing together, having more feelings, being sad the relationship is over and then talking about it until we laughed again.

 

I admit that I would have gone NC if he would have seen me just as a friend... Try to live my own life and then MAYBE to reconnect with him in a year or so.

 

So it was a bit like:

 

Phase 1: We talked a lot about the betrayal, I was still very hurt and sad. My darkest phase, of course.

Phase 2: We tried to heal apart from each other, occasional contact, "happy and aloof" acting, learning a lot apart from each other. Still talked about the past but we were more focused on each as a individual. Be both tried some "online flirting", no dates though.

Phase 3: We realized that we would always be in each others claws if we didn't give us a second chance. The relationship was never bad, it was just a LTR with two mostly unexperienced individuals. We didn't know better. Talking is now more hopeful, we both feel more stable, more physical contact helped a lot! No more online flirting on both sides. We're taking it slow, we'll see ;3

 

Thani,

 

Thanks so much for the reply, it's really interesting

It's great that you guys were able to talk about what happened openly in the beginning, that probably helped a lot to clear the air and make things more even between you.

When you say that you were being friends but you made him aware that you were interested in a second chance, weren't you worried that he was stringing you along or keeping you as a safety net? Or using the friendship as a sort of 'slow exit' from the relationship?

I know I should trust my gut and what I know about him, but I find myself second guessing everything now.. especially since my breakup came with zero warning, and he is still acting so nice towards me. I can't decide if staying his friend is he right thing to do.. even though I have seen instances where it brings people back together..

Sounds like you guys are on the right track though and I truly hope it works out for you

[valavoo]

Just bumping this for more answers

[vesper]

You have to *REALLY* move on and no contact is the key. You have to explore new places, new things, treat yourself , get with friends, get to work and get excited about the endless possibilities in the universe today, tomorrow and yesterday.

[valavoo]

You have to *REALLY* move on and no contact is the key. You have to explore new places, new things, treat yourself , get with friends, get to work and get excited about the endless possibilities in the universe today, tomorrow and yesterday.

 

I mean, I understand your perspective, but I don't agree in the least. Moving on is erasing the possibility of getting back with your ex. Moving forward is wanting to get back with your ex but also loving your life at the same time. I get really frustrated with the same cookie cutter advice over and over.

 

Plus, didn't you get married instead of getting back with your ex? Or was there another story I wasn't aware of?

 

If this sounds angry, I promise I'm not. Just asking questions.

[vesper]

I mean, I understand your perspective, but I don't agree in the least. Moving on is erasing the possibility of getting back with your ex. Moving forward is wanting to get back with your ex but also loving your life at the same time. I get really frustrated with the same cookie cutter advice over and over.

 

Plus, didn't you get married instead of getting back with your ex? Or was there another story I wasn't aware of?

 

If this sounds angry, I promise I'm not. Just asking questions.

 

I am currently keeping in contact with my ex but I have no intentions of infidelity. We are just really great together and we really enjoy each other. It has taken me really moving on and marrying to get his attention, thats what I mean by moving on. Like you don't have a care in the world, don't focus on HIM, focus on you. Moving forward isnt strong enough you really have to take all of your insecurities and attachments and really detach yourself. I'm a Buddhist and suffering comes from attachment. You really have to detach yourself .

[Ames34]

I am currently keeping in contact with my ex but I have no intentions of infidelity. We are just really great together and we really enjoy each other. It has taken me really moving on and marrying to get his attention, thats what I mean by moving on. Like you don't have a care in the world, don't focus on HIM, focus on you. Moving forward isnt strong enough you really have to take all of your insecurities and attachments and really detach yourself. I'm a Buddhist and suffering comes from attachment. You really have to detach yourself .

 

I totally understand this point of view, and I've seen examples of it working many times. But, what would be the argument against keeping in contact and staying friends with your ex if both of you are happy enough to do so? Don't we have a better chance at showing the changes in our lives to each other if there is an open line of communication?

[vesper]

I totally understand this point of view, and I've seen examples of it working many times. But, what would be the argument against keeping in contact and staying friends with your ex if both of you are happy enough to do so? Don't we have a better chance at showing the changes in our lives to each other if there is an open line of communication?

 

Of course I can see your point, there are always opportunities to show how you have changed your life, but all I am saying is that you don't have to do it directly. For example, you have a great new job and your are successful????? Post on LinkedIN and if your ex is one of your contacts, he/she will see it BUT all Im saying is that you have to be creative and not seem to clingy and always have to 'directly' contact your ex. AM I making sense at all??? lol

[vesper]

so I guess I am making a case of LC but only after a period of NC WHERE you have gotten yourself back in a place of success and are happy with yourself and your own life before contacting ex.

[Ames34]

so I guess I am making a case of LC but only after a period of NC WHERE you have gotten yourself back in a place of success and are happy with yourself and your own life before contacting ex.

 

Yes I totally get it, sounds logical

My issue is that it's been about 7 weeks, and from day one my ex continued daily contact with me, texting/ online messaging multiple times a day, reminding me of things about us and making jokes etc. So I haven't really had the chance to go NC at all, and haven't really felt the need to.

I've pulled myself back up on my feet and made a lot of changes for ME. I guess I'm saying, is it not possible to do both..?

[vesper]

Yes I totally get it, sounds logical

My issue is that it's been about 7 weeks, and from day one my ex continued daily contact with me, texting/ online messaging multiple times a day, reminding me of things about us and making jokes etc. So I haven't really had the chance to go NC at all, and haven't really felt the need to.

I've pulled myself back up on my feet and made a lot of changes for ME. I guess I'm saying, is it not possible to do both..?

 

When I broke up with my ex, I was in a downward spiral and all I could focus on is my ex. I had to detach from the situation, address the suffering, get myself back and THEN try to contact, but I slipped and contacted him numerous times but he would always ignore me. so that hurt my feelings a lot....but honestly I kept going around in circles till somehow maybe because of time I pulled myself out of that downward spiral

[Ames34]

When I broke up with my ex, I was in a downward spiral and all I could focus on is my ex. I had to detach from the situation, address the suffering, get myself back and THEN try to contact, but I slipped and contacted him numerous times but he would always ignore me. so that hurt my feelings a lot....but honestly I kept going around in circles till somehow maybe because of time I pulled myself out of that downward spiral

 

That sounds awful sorry you had to go through that

If I was in that situation I would definitely do the same thing. I suppose wha I'm confused about and I've had a hard time finding examples of is the fact that he is contacting me. I haven't initiated at all over the past 7 weeks, so I'm not sure how to move forward.

 

Anyway thanks for the advice.... Sorry for the sidetrack everyone!!

[valavoo]

That sounds awful sorry you had to go through that

If I was in that situation I would definitely do the same thing. I suppose wha I'm confused about and I've had a hard time finding examples of is the fact that he is contacting me. I haven't initiated at all over the past 7 weeks, so I'm not sure how to move forward.

 

Anyway thanks for the advice.... Sorry for the sidetrack everyone!!

 

Not a side track. This is all on topic with multiple questions in my post so it's all helpful. It's important to understand one another even if we don't always agree. So yes, Vesper, you are making sense.

[valavoo]

In my situation, since it's long distance, I've read so mcuh disheartening advice about it. A lot of people do say that you MUST remain in contact with them in order to facilitate reconciliation. In addition, some of the better coaches say that you can't get your ex back long distance until they see you in person at least once. I have literally no reason to be in the same state my ex is in right now - only him.

 

But I just...can't. I'm too scared. I would like to be able to deal with it maturely but the very idea of messaging him while we're not on the path to reconciliation scares me a ton. Is this normal for others during the period of separation with a lover?

 

In addition, a POSITIVE question for EVERYONE!

 

What is an experience that you will use to reconnect with your ex in the future? What is something that you would like to do with them that you're looking forward to?

[valavoo]

Also, this person could probably use some advice/support!

 

 

[Thani]

Thani,

 

Thanks so much for the reply, it's really interesting

It's great that you guys were able to talk about what happened openly in the beginning, that probably helped a lot to clear the air and make things more even between you.

When you say that you were being friends but you made him aware that you were interested in a second chance, weren't you worried that he was stringing you along or keeping you as a safety net? Or using the friendship as a sort of 'slow exit' from the relationship?

I know I should trust my gut and what I know about him, but I find myself second guessing everything now.. especially since my breakup came with zero warning, and he is still acting so nice towards me. I can't decide if staying his friend is he right thing to do.. even though I have seen instances where it brings people back together..

Sounds like you guys are on the right track though and I truly hope it works out for you

 

Yes it helped a lot. Closure means a lot to me and since he is the kind of guy that likes to talk (also about emotions) he tried to give me the answers. Of course it was a lot of "how could you do this to me?" in the beginning but soon changed to "how could this even happen? we were so happy? what was wrong in our relationship". And a few months later it changed to "what is wrong inside you and inside of me? How can we become better people?"

 

And yes, I was worried a lot that he was stringing me along. I even think that he did it in some kind of way, but not intentionally. Maybe one of the reasons was, that he never wanted the relationship to end in the first place. It was just one event after another that led to this whole situation (well...if you fall in love with another woman and fall out of love with your fiancee you have to end it, right? RIGHT?). I was worried about it but I also could detach myself a bit from the whole situation. There were times when I hoped that he would do something terrible, say something hateful, treating me like - so I could hate him and abandon him for good. But he never did. I know it sounds wrong since "all cheaters are evil" but he's not a bad guy. I never heard sentences like "it was your fault all along".

 

As for keeping me as a safety net... Hmm, I don't know. In the end he ended his perfect affair with his dreamgirl because of me. And since I'm less pretty than her and maybe "less interesting" (after 8 years) that helped me a lot, actually

Well... I told him that I would go full NC if he had a real relationship with this woman - that he proabably would never hear from me again and that I would vanish from his life. Maybe that helped, I don't know.

 

And thank you! I really hope it works out as well, we're seeing each other tonight again

 

What is something that you would like to do with them that you're looking forward to?

 

Travelling (most of all)...visiting new restaurants...making projects for the future. How I loved that!

[Ames34]

Yes it helped a lot. Closure means a lot to me and since he is the kind of guy that likes to talk (also about emotions) he tried to give me the answers. Of course it was a lot of "how could you do this to me?" in the beginning but soon changed to "how could this even happen? we were so happy? what was wrong in our relationship". And a few months later it changed to "what is wrong inside you and inside of me? How can we become better people?"

 

And yes, I was worried a lot that he was stringing me along. I even think that he did it in some kind of way, but not intentionally. Maybe one of the reasons was, that he never wanted the relationship to end in the first place. It was just one event after another that led to this whole situation (well...if you fall in love with another woman and fall out of love with your fiancee you have to end it, right? RIGHT?). I was worried about it but I also could detach myself a bit from the whole situation. There were times when I hoped that he would do something terrible, say something hateful, treating me like - so I could hate him and abandon him for good. But he never did. I know it sounds wrong since "all cheaters are evil" but he's not a bad guy. I never heard sentences like "it was your fault all along".

 

As for keeping me as a safety net... Hmm, I don't know. In the end he ended his perfect affair with his dreamgirl because of me. And since I'm less pretty than her and maybe "less interesting" (after 8 years) that helped me a lot, actually

Well... I told him that I would go full NC if he had a real relationship with this woman - that he proabably would never hear from me again and that I would vanish from his life. Maybe that helped, I don't know.

 

And thank you! I really hope it works out as well, we're seeing each other tonight again

 

 

 

Travelling (most of all)...visiting new restaurants...making projects for the future. How I loved that!

 

Wow that's amazing that you guys were able to turn it away from blaming each other and learn to look inside yourselves for the answers. It really shows maturity.

Unfortunately, mine isn't a talker... I haven't even gotten the courage yet to ask why he left me!

Did you ever 'slip up' along the way and make any of the dumpee mistakes? Tonight I lost my composure a little bit. I texted him after work... "Hey, how was your day?

Three hours later he hadn't replied but posted on instagram. I liked the post (neither of these actions are unusual for us by the way). Then I checked the other likes and saw some new girls I hadn't seen on his friends list before. They are gorgeous and waaaay younger than me. I got upset and unfollowed him! Then I panicked and refollowed him, and liked an older post.. I have no idea what I was thinking.

I know in the long run it makes no difference, I'm just angry at myself because I haven't made a single mistake in the past 2 months... I feel like I'm starting to lose it.. How did you hang in there and keep things in check? Looking forward to hearing how your meeting goes.

 

As for what I would be looking forward to doing with my ex... it would be simply meeting for lunch or a coffee... in my OWN car! I've just begun driving, and I'd love for him to see my new independence, I think he would see me in a whole new way

[Eshushi]

I'm still in daily contact with my partner after our separation; However... my situation is kind of different compared to a lot of the ones I've read on here. Both still in love with each other, but my mental health just got to the point where it was destroying our relationship and I didn't fully comprehend it until he decided he needed space. Honestly, the contact isn't bad whatsoever for me - and it doesn't seem to be having negative effects on him either. I've started to focus on bettering myself for my own happiness rather than just doing so so we could maybe reconnect romantically later on (I mean, I still am really hopeful for this and while it is one of my end goals... it's not the sole reason anymore?). My therapist told me something yesterday that really stuck out to me and I feel like a lot of people need to hear this on this forum in particular "You need to go from 'I need this person to survive' to 'I want to share my life with this person' before you can even begin to start anew".

[vesper]

We're getting back together! I've decided to leave my husband.

[mustlovedogs]

We're getting back together! I've decided to leave my husband.

 

Vesper, I'm not sure you're in a good place to make that decision.

[boltnrun]

We're getting back together! I've decided to leave my husband.

 

Who? Your ex boyfriend? Your ex husband? Your boss with the folded napkin?

 

I'm not trying to be facetious, but you have something like three active threads, all about different men. It's confusing.

[valavoo]

Vesper, I'm not sure you're in a good place to make that decision.

 

Good god I agree

 

Vesper no. Nononono. I know I'm just a person on the forum and you don't know who I am and I don't know who you are....but you posted the love story of you and your husband, stated that you would never give your husband up for anyone....and now suddenly you're leaving him for your ex?!

 

Don't throw away a MARRIAGE unless you are absolutely sure, and from your posts it doesn't sound like you are sure! Please take some time away before you make this decision!

[vesper]

I tried to break up for the 3rd time with no success. My husband said he would fight for me, so the journey continues

[vesper]

And I'm curious if my husband still has feelings for his ex now that I've expressed that I still have feelings for mine ???

[eidetic]

vesper, what can we do to help you, here? It sounds like your husband loves you and will do his best to contain this situation. But you need to take responsibility for and in it as well. The ex that you are talking about sounds really problematic. If this ex was instrumental in the break up of a different marriage, that is a morality problem and not love. It is more like mischief, and seeing what he can get away with, or what he can get you to do.

 

Depending on the length of the marriage that you are in, or what age or stage of life you are in, you may be in one of those natural periods in which people generally or of course are reflecting on the past and comparing it to the present and finding the present not quite as alluring. But this is where the tire touches the road and you have to make a decision to either keep with your marital vows or to break them yet again.

 

I am not a clinician and even if I were, it wouldn't be my place to say -- but I think you have an opportunity here to commit or soundly recommit to the husband that you have, a man who loves you and knows your health circumstances and your mind's ways, and to be honest with him and pursue in therapy the source of the hook that keeps you wanting to reconnect with this old mayhem from the past.

 

My concern for you is that this person from your past does not authentically have your best interests in mind, no matter how you feel about him or how long you have felt it. A good person will not intrude on another person's marriage, nor destroy it. And a person who does so -- either or both -- if he had been otherwise moral person, who loved and respected you in the way and at the level that you deserve, should've married you on the spot. It doesn't sound like that is what happened. My concern is that your love for him exceeds his for you, and may be based in nostalgia, which is not something that will care for you in ill health or old age.

 

Do what is smart and wise. Be honest with your husband about your feelings for other men, because this may be part of the medical issue and may require treatment regardless who you choose to be with. I don't know how to tell you to make your ex prove whatever he is saying, with concrete actions and quantifiable gestures -- but it sounds like your husband is already doing this, proving his devotion and intention, and therefore he is the better and safest man for you.

 

Buddhism and nonattachment will only get you so far. Unless both are family constructs that have been in your family for generations, both are really just spiritual bookstore talk, and kind of like a fluffy frappucino. If you have a serious medical issue, this sweetness and really self deprivation and anti nourishing will only take you so far, and may in fact hurt you in a way that is not worth it.

 

If you ask yourself what it is you really need in order to live a fulfilled life, what is that? Is it the passing glimpse of this ex from your past, who really sounds like a troublemaker and not an ideal mate or ideal personal support? Or is it the promise of something more lasting and reliable?

 

Don't chase the past. And don't be fooled by it.