Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[valavoo]

Hope it's okay if I just put my 2c in here...

 

Valavoo I really like what you've written about neediness, and I definitely need to hear it.

 

After my break up I blamed myself a lot for my 'neediness', when in reality it was just life , and I couldn't have done much about it.

 

I went through a lot of stressful things last year, and I needed my partner more than usual. Unfortunately that manifested as me trying to take up more of his free time, because I needed someone to talk to and comfort me. I let it go on a little too long.

At he same time he was going through some extreme stress, and he deals with stress by being alone.

It just so happened that the timing was terrible, and neither of us were strong enough to be there for each other, so the relationship broke down.

It was no one's fault, and I don't think either of us asked too much of the other.

I don't blame myself any more, and o don't blame him.

 

However if we had stayed together and I was constantly demanding his time, without dealing with my own problems, and instead making it his responsibility to make me feel happy all the time, then that is needy.

Neediness and clinginess isn't a 'once every now and then' thing, its a consistent and unjustified behaviour that is destructive and comes from deep within someone that hasn't dealt with their own issues. Calling someone because you need them in an emergency is anything but clingy, it's what partners and marriages are for.

 

And it is definitely subjective to the couple, my friend gets anxious when her bf doesn't txt her for a few hours or so. I think that's clingy, but they don't, it's all relative

 

LITERALLY SAME Ames! It's always fine for you to put your two cents in haha. This is is a public forum, of course.

Sometimes, timing sucks.

[Batya33]

"Calling someone because you need them in an emergency is anything but clingy, it's what partners and marriages are for.

 

And it is definitely subjective to the couple, my friend gets anxious when her bf doesn't txt her for a few hours or so. I think that's clingy, but they don't, it's all relative "

 

Completely agree. The problem with the second scenario is when there's an imbalance. And sometimes one person interprets needy/clingy behavior as the other person expressing love/caring even if it's more about the other person's neediness - that can work too. It's not healthy IMO but it can work for that couple. Typically where there is a breakup situation the person who wants to get back together is more likely to be seen as needy if he/she contacts the person who has told him/her that he wants space and doesn't want to be with that person. It's a situation that requires extra care and forethought in how/when/if to contact. Had I contacted my ex after he told me he didn't want to be with me/give things another chance (I was the one who initially ended our engagement) I know for sure we would not be married now.

[Jibralta]

This happened back in 2001.

 

how in the world did you actually reconnect? I'm not speaking about who contacted who first, rather, I want to know how you got to know each other again and how you dealt with the breaking of trust/the rift that appears when it comes to a breakup.

 

When we met again, it was like no time had passed at all, even though it had been ten years. We got in my car and drove around for hours, catching up on each other's lives. We hadn't broken up over a betrayal, so trust wasn't an issue--at first. Our rift was time. A lot had happened in his life, and it was complicated. He'd had two kids, and was raising a third child as his own. He and his children's mother had just broken up, but he was still living with her.

 

I loved him very much, and even though we didn't work out the first time I thought we might work out now that we were older. I just needed to take it slow, and he respected that. Then one day, he was at my house and his ex-girlfriend called. He wouldn't answer the phone. I pressed him about it and found out that she didn't know that he was with me. Even though he and I were still at the platonic stage, I was enraged by his deception and I threw him out of my house.

 

A couple months later, September 11 happened, and it got me thinking about all of the people I cared about in my life. I called him up to see how he was doing. I learned that he'd moved out of his ex-girlfriend's house. We started talking, and eventually started dating. We lasted for about 8 months. Even though I loved him, and loved his kids, I didn't like the situation. I just felt like there was a lot of bad decision-making at hand, and I didn't want to get dragged down by it. So, we broke up. Again.

 

In addition, how did you fare in the meantime - before you rekindled? When those pesky thoughts that threatened to make you sad came up, how did you swat them away? How did you move forward with your life while you were apart?

 

I was in a better place than him because I had the luxury of preparation. I think he dealt by rushing into his next relationship and starting a family. But I don't think that was necessarily a bad thing for him, because those are things that he wanted. Even though I broke up with him, there were times where I missed him. I think those times still occur, to be honest. After all, this is someone who I loved very much. So, I don't try to swat those memories away. I enjoy them. He will always be special to me, and I will always remember him with affection.

[valavoo]

This happened back in 2001.

 

 

 

When we met again, it was like no time had passed at all, even though it had been ten years. We got in my car and drove around for hours, catching up on each other's lives. We hadn't broken up over a betrayal, so trust wasn't an issue--at first. Our rift was time. A lot had happened in his life, and it was complicated. He'd had two kids, and was raising a third child as his own. He and his children's mother had just broken up, but he was still living with her.

 

I loved him very much, and even though we didn't work out the first time I thought we might work out now that we were older. I just needed to take it slow, and he respected that. Then one day, he was at my house and his ex-girlfriend called. He wouldn't answer the phone. I pressed him about it and found out that she didn't know that he was with me. Even though he and I were still at the platonic stage, I was enraged by his deception and I threw him out of my house.

 

A couple months later, September 11 happened, and it got me thinking about all of the people I cared about in my life. I called him up to see how he was doing. I learned that he'd moved out of his ex-girlfriend's house. We started talking, and eventually started dating. We lasted for about 8 months. Even though I loved him, and loved his kids, I didn't like the situation. I just felt like there was a lot of bad decision-making at hand, and I didn't want to get dragged down by it. So, we broke up. Again.

 

 

 

I was in a better place than him because I had the luxury of preparation. I think he dealt by rushing into his next relationship and starting a family. But I don't think that was necessarily a bad thing for him, because those are things that he wanted. Even though I broke up with him, there were times where I missed him. I think those times still occur, to be honest. After all, this is someone who I loved very much. So, I don't try to swat those memories away. I enjoy them. He will always be special to me, and I will always remember him with affection.

 

Thank you for answering ;v; I am sorry it didn't work out in the end. I hope you are in a good place now though?

[Jibralta]

Thank you for answering ;v; I am sorry it didn't work out in the end. I hope you are in a good place now though?

 

I am. I hope he is, too. Last I heard, he cheated on his girlfriend and their nearly ten-year relationship was ending!

[valavoo]

I am. I hope he is, too. Last I heard, he cheated on his girlfriend and their nearly ten-year relationship was ending!

 

 

Oh no! Not cheating DX anything but cheating!

[boltnrun]

I think there is a difference between "needing" and "wanting".

 

When I had a bad day I WANTED comfort from my partner. When I had good news I WANTED to share it with my partner. I would never call it a "need" because, obviously, it's not a need like oxygen or food or water. It was something that could help me feel better, but I didn't NEED the attention or comfort to survive.

 

I got back together with one ex, which turned out to be a bigger disaster than the first time around. I really should have known better, but I was feeling sorry for myself because the guy I'd been dating was doing a slow fade on me and I wanted someone else's attention so I would feel better about myself. Another ex came creeping back around after he got out of prison and split with his wife (not even kidding about this!). I used to declare him "the love of my life who I'll LOVE FOREVER!!!111" (before the whole prison thing, BTW), but when I saw him a few years after he broke up with me I found him insufferably boring and annoying. I couldn't get away from him fast enough. Funny how things work out.

 

Today I'm totally, 100% single and so, so happy I am no longer torturing myself by trying to be in a relationship with someone who is wrong for me. Maybe someday I'll meet someone awesome, but for now things are good with family and friends.

[valavoo]

I think there is a difference between "needing" and "wanting".

 

When I had a bad day I WANTED comfort from my partner. When I had good news I WANTED to share it with my partner. I would never call it a "need" because, obviously, it's not a need like oxygen or food or water. It was something that could help me feel better, but I didn't NEED the attention or comfort to survive.

 

I got back together with one ex, which turned out to be a bigger disaster than the first time around. I really should have known better, but I was feeling sorry for myself because the guy I'd been dating was doing a slow fade on me and I wanted someone else's attention so I would feel better about myself. Another ex came creeping back around after he got out of prison and split with his wife (not even kidding about this!). I used to declare him "the love of my life who I'll LOVE FOREVER!!!111" (before the whole prison thing, BTW), but when I saw him a few years after he broke up with me I found him insufferably boring and annoying. I couldn't get away from him fast enough. Funny how things work out.

 

Today I'm totally, 100% single and so, so happy I am no longer torturing myself by trying to be in a relationship with someone who is wrong for me. Maybe someday I'll meet someone awesome, but for now things are good with family and friends.

 

Thanks for your answer as well! But oh god, prison? That must have been a rough one to deal with.

[boltnrun]

Thanks for your answer as well! But oh god, prison? That must have been a rough one to deal with.

 

He wasn't in prison when we dated. All that happened after he broke up with me. Like, a couple of years later. He reconciled with his ex and the two of them got heavy into drugs. Sadly, there were children involved.

 

One of the many, many reasons why I didn't want him when he tried to reconnect. I can't be around someone like that and I sure don't want my kids around that, even though they are adults.

[loip9114]

Same! I want to straight up tell him I miss and love him, but I feel like that's a baaaaaad idea.

@Ames as well.

 

Oh yeah definitely also have that feeling, fear of saying/doing the wrong things at the right/wrong time. Or you could even do the right thing at the wrong time and still fail.

The thing that bugs me the most is a bit of all those stories and all those paths to go along with. Some people reconcile within a couple of months, others do it decades later. Some have had contact the whole time, others had a period of no communication at all. As you have a desire to reach a certain goal you are afraid that if you do not do any of this you might not reach it. My anxiety always gets fueled a bit whenever someone says 'You need to have some contact' or 'You should say that you are only interested in them romantically and walk away' which I both didn't do. So 'Oh myyyyy goooood!!! I am ing it up, must fix, must fix!!!' Anxiety kicks in. (I know how to reduce it and level with it). Some also say have contact and get blown off, it might just kill that last bit of hope in you.

So complicated!

 

But with all these different paths one could take it just shows me 1 thing for certain. There is no right or wrong way to go about it.

Everyone must follow their own path, so I'd propose we all follow the path we think will give us the peace and calmness in our lives we so desire at this point. The path that will provide you with your own happiness. If you have as a goal things you can adjust and influence than you can only fail if you do not act upon this desire. Of course we want to reconcile, but part of that is outside of our power, but I honestly believe we can hedge our chances by focussing on ourselves.

[loip9114]

I think there is a difference between "needing" and "wanting".

 

When I had a bad day I WANTED comfort from my partner. When I had good news I WANTED to share it with my partner. I would never call it a "need" because, obviously, it's not a need like oxygen or food or water. It was something that could help me feel better, but I didn't NEED the attention or comfort to survive.

 

This is also my perspective now. I actually made that mistake by confusing 'wants' and 'needs'. I thought I needed her in my life to be happy. No I wanted her in her my life and she cannot make me happy, only I can. Therefore it changed, I do not need somebody, but I want somebody to share my happiness with. There are however some basic needs that are defiintely required for a healthy relationship; mutual respect and trust, and feelings of security and affection.

In my opinion these are needs that definitely need to be met for it to be a healthy relationship. Now we will not die from being single, it is not horrible to be single. But when you have a relationship somethings NEED to be met, other things are simply a desire/want to met. These last ones are the bendable ones, the first one might breakup the relationship.

 

So yeah I'd say being 'needy' is when you confuse the 'wants' for 'needs', but if you are trying to get those 'needs' met, I would definitely not say you are needy. (Of course you can take 'needs' in the extreme)

[valavoo]

This is also my perspective now. I actually made that mistake by confusing 'wants' and 'needs'. I thought I needed her in my life to be happy. No I wanted her in her my life and she cannot make me happy, only I can. Therefore it changed, I do not need somebody, but I want somebody to share my happiness with. There are however some basic needs that are defiintely required for a healthy relationship; mutual respect and trust, and feelings of security and affection.

In my opinion these are needs that definitely need to be met for it to be a healthy relationship. Now we will not die from being single, it is not horrible to be single. But when you have a relationship somethings NEED to be met, other things are simply a desire/want to met. These last ones are the bendable ones, the first one might breakup the relationship.

 

So yeah I'd say being 'needy' is when you confuse the 'wants' for 'needs', but if you are trying to get those 'needs' met, I would definitely not say you are needy. (Of course you can take 'needs' in the extreme)

 

100% right imo.

[valavoo]

@Ames as well.

 

Oh yeah definitely also have that feeling, fear of saying/doing the wrong things at the right/wrong time. Or you could even do the right thing at the wrong time and still fail.

The thing that bugs me the most is a bit of all those stories and all those paths to go along with. Some people reconcile within a couple of months, others do it decades later. Some have had contact the whole time, others had a period of no communication at all. As you have a desire to reach a certain goal you are afraid that if you do not do any of this you might not reach it. My anxiety always gets fueled a bit whenever someone says 'You need to have some contact' or 'You should say that you are only interested in them romantically and walk away' which I both didn't do. So 'Oh myyyyy goooood!!! I am ing it up, must fix, must fix!!!' Anxiety kicks in. (I know how to reduce it and level with it). Some also say have contact and get blown off, it might just kill that last bit of hope in you.

So complicated!

 

But with all these different paths one could take it just shows me 1 thing for certain. There is no right or wrong way to go about it.

Everyone must follow their own path, so I'd propose we all follow the path we think will give us the peace and calmness in our lives we so desire at this point. The path that will provide you with your own happiness. If you have as a goal things you can adjust and influence than you can only fail if you do not act upon this desire. Of course we want to reconcile, but part of that is outside of our power, but I honestly believe we can hedge our chances by focussing on ourselves.

 

Agree so so much. There isn't a roadmap for this, which is why I have stopped using breakup buzzwords and whatever. It just sucks. All of it does.

 

More questions on topic - how do you get over the betrayal that you feel when you were dumped? Regardless of how "good" the reasons for breaking up were, I'm sure many of us feel super betrayed. There are some very specific things that mine did that really made me sad, and I'm wondering if it'll be hard to re-enter a relationship while that is all still weighing on my heart.

 

Thoughts?

[loip9114]

Agree so so much. There isn't a roadmap for this, which is why I have stopped using breakup buzzwords and whatever. It just sucks. All of it does.

 

More questions on topic - how do you get over the betrayal that you feel when you were dumped? Regardless of how "good" the reasons for breaking up were, I'm sure many of us feel super betrayed. There are some very specific things that mine did that really made me sad, and I'm wondering if it'll be hard to re-enter a relationship while that is all still weighing on my heart.

 

Thoughts?

 

Those things will definitely weigh down your heart if you would re-enter your relationship. Therefore, I truly believe we have to fully and completely process the breakup. The only thing that I believe you should utterly and fully 'leave behind' is the breakup and all attached the emotions and feelings regarding that. You must not forget it, but you must process it and forgive both yourself and your ex. If you want to ensure that future relationships will not suffer. So yes, that feeling of betrayal is something that must be adressed as well.

 

Personally I haven't really adressed it much, as there was not really much feeling of betrayal. Of course there were the broken promises and plans. As I saw past love letters with endings like 'Your now and forever', 'You're the one for me and only you' etc etc. But for me the trust only disappeared and never really went into the area of distrust.

 

It could be possible that due to my perspective of life (Nothing is certain, everything might be possible, we cannot know anything for sure) and a high tolerance to accept reality for what it is, that I never really felt much betrayal. I accept that yesterday's promises are no guarantee for future actions. Words are hollow to me without the proper action. I never could really accept the phrase 'We'll be together forever' as I believe it meant nothing. I still believe you can be together untill death, but to truly reach that you need to work on staying togetehr every single day/week/month/year. Merely the words or stating the desire to do so, just doesn't cut it for me. Maybe that's why I did only feel a little bit of betrayal myself, as I rather look at people their actions instead of their promises or words. Thus the actual act of breakup overshadowed the broken promises.

Also for example, my ex kept telling me she was glad we were together even 1 week prior to the breakup, I never really felt that. As I did respond positively and stated the same, I just felt that her words and actions did not match up at that point. That's why untill the end I acted upon her actions not her words.

 

However, as I mentioned earlier I did forfeit my faith and trust. My faith that reconciliation will not work out at this point in time. As the breakup is still really fresh (that was 6th of june, so barely over 2 months) and the problems are definitely still present. My trust is broken, but trust is also something that can be rebuild. It will just take a lot of time and effort.

It could also be that I just unconsciously also processed that feeling due to anger and sadness. I did go completely of the rails in the first month, screaming, shouting, crying, laughing, etc etc. So it could be that at some point there (I honestly do not know a lot anymore of that month )... nevermind it just came back to me literally during writing that sentence. I actually started raging being angry and sad about the fact that she always stated we were 'soulmates' and that I was the only one she ever wanted, and that she wanted to stay together. I said something along the line of 'well nice promises, worth s*** now right'. Then I cried and felt relief.

 

So yeah, that was my coping I believe. Go raging mad and accept it all. Now the trust is just gone, but no distrust it present. I am just really get rid of pretty much all feelings surrounding the breakup.

[Batya33]

Agree so so much. There isn't a roadmap for this, which is why I have stopped using breakup buzzwords and whatever. It just sucks. All of it does.

 

More questions on topic - how do you get over the betrayal that you feel when you were dumped? Regardless of how "good" the reasons for breaking up were, I'm sure many of us feel super betrayed. There are some very specific things that mine did that really made me sad, and I'm wondering if it'll be hard to re-enter a relationship while that is all still weighing on my heart.

 

Thoughts?

 

Not sure if you were just referring to the person who posted. In one case I didn't feel betrayed because I had eyes wide open from the beginning (that was a 5 month relationship) - it was sort of out of the blue timing-wise and sort of not. He just didn't see a future and wasn't that into me. The great result of my being very strict after a short time about no contact was that he met his future wife 6 months after we broke up. He had been by all accounts a "player" -never having had a long term relationship, 40 years old, etc. Had I stayed in contact I would have been so much more hurt when he met his future wife. Because I didn't I got over him so much faster and was able to recover from the news that he met her and later the news that they were engaged. Ego bruising but not devastating.

 

I did feel betrayed and blindsided in my mid-20s when my long term bf broke up with me twice over one summer -the first time was the worst because he came back a week later begging for another chance, which I gave, he ended things with a phone call the next day. Then we actually did get back together 5 months later and he proposed 8 months after that. I declined because something didn't feel right. The something turned out to be that he really belonged with a man not a woman. That was not the sense I got in the least but it explains a lot of the hot/cold/ambivalence/distance. He's been happily married to a man for almost 10 years and with him for almost 20. I got over the feelings of betrayal from the first time but I was still so very into him for a long time (which is why we tried again).

[valavoo]

Not sure if you were just referring to the person who posted. In one case I didn't feel betrayed because I had eyes wide open from the beginning (that was a 5 month relationship) - it was sort of out of the blue timing-wise and sort of not. He just didn't see a future and wasn't that into me. The great result of my being very strict after a short time about no contact was that he met his future wife 6 months after we broke up. He had been by all accounts a "player" -never having had a long term relationship, 40 years old, etc. Had I stayed in contact I would have been so much more hurt when he met his future wife. Because I didn't I got over him so much faster and was able to recover from the news that he met her and later the news that they were engaged. Ego bruising but not devastating.

 

I did feel betrayed and blindsided in my mid-20s when my long term bf broke up with me twice over one summer -the first time was the worst because he came back a week later begging for another chance, which I gave, he ended things with a phone call the next day. Then we actually did get back together 5 months later and he proposed 8 months after that. I declined because something didn't feel right. The something turned out to be that he really belonged with a man not a woman. That was not the sense I got in the least but it explains a lot of the hot/cold/ambivalence/distance. He's been happily married to a man for almost 10 years and with him for almost 20. I got over the feelings of betrayal from the first time but I was still so very into him for a long time (which is why we tried again).

 

I was asking anyone so that's totally fine that you responded. I want to ask about my specific "betrayals" but I don't want to risk ANY chance of my ex finding this forum, haha. Gotta keep it general.

 

Oh jesus christ now I'm scared my ex is secretly into men.

[Batya33]

I was asking anyone so that's totally fine that you responded. I want to ask about my specific "betrayals" but I don't want to risk ANY chance of my ex finding this forum, haha. Gotta keep it general.

 

Oh jesus christ now I'm scared my ex is secretly into men.

 

LOL honestly I don't think he knew for sure he was into men - he'd never been with one until after we ended things.

[valavoo]

LOL honestly I don't think he knew for sure he was into men - he'd never been with one until after we ended things.

 

*aggressive fear intensifies*

 

I'm actually paranoid about this now T_T. That would honestly be the worst, because then there really WOULD be 0% chance. My worst fears, tripled.

 

 

Didn't you say on another post that the person you're married to now is an ex? What about those feelings with that particular person? If I'm wrong, sorry. Could have been someone else.

[Batya33]

*aggressive fear intensifies*

 

I'm actually paranoid about this now T_T. That would honestly be the worst, because then there really WOULD be 0% chance.

 

But.... for me it was validating -it answered so many questions for me. He came out to me 10 years after we broke up. We met up for coffee and I swear I have no issue with people who are gay -whatever floats their boats -I knew many gay people, had friends who were gay, for many years. But when he said "I live with my boyfriend" I was just sure I'd heard wrong. Literally did a double take. We'd been talking about how high/crazy rents were. I think I said blankly "what?" And he repeated it, patiently. I made the decision not to pry with when he knew, what would have happened had we married etc. It was fine. Later I called our mutual friend who he'd told some years earlier and we talked about some of the timing/details (especially since I'd slept with him so of course I wanted to know if I'd ever been at risk).

I'm really happy for him. We are friends on Facebook and I love reading his news/updates. His husband seems like a fantastic person.

[valavoo]

But.... for me it was validating -it answered so many questions for me. He came out to me 10 years after we broke up. We met up for coffee and I swear I have no issue with people who are gay -whatever floats their boats -I knew many gay people, had friends who were gay, for many years. But when he said "I live with my boyfriend" I was just sure I'd heard wrong. Literally did a double take. We'd been talking about how high/crazy rents were. I think I said blankly "what?" And he repeated it, patiently. I made the decision not to pry with when he knew, what would have happened had we married etc. It was fine. Later I called our mutual friend who he'd told some years earlier and we talked about some of the timing/details (especially since I'd slept with him so of course I wanted to know if I'd ever been at risk).

I'm really happy for him. We are friends on Facebook and I love reading his news/updates. His husband seems like a fantastic person.

 

Oh I totally get it. I'm glad it was validating for you totally, especially since it explained so much. I also definitely didn't think you were anti-gay or whatever so don't worry about that. ;v;

 

I suppose I'm kind of bristly about it because I really don't want to have anything else working against me in terms of fixing things with my boyfriend. It just so happens that very recently my dad decided to "make me feel better" by theorizing that his sexuality may come into play. I really didn't think that before and frankly I didn't WANT to think about it because it'd be yet another thing for me to be upset about. Does that make sense? It's just that I didn't need any other doubts weighing on my mind when I want to be positive about this whole thing.

[loip9114]

Oh I totally get it. I'm glad it was validating for you totally, especially since it explained so much. I also definitely didn't think you were anti-gay or whatever so don't worry about that. ;v;

 

I suppose I'm kind of bristly about it because I really don't want to have anything else working against me in terms of fixing things with my boyfriend. It just so happens that very recently my dad decided to "make me feel better" by theorizing that his sexuality may come into play. I really didn't think that before and frankly I didn't WANT to think about it because it'd be yet another thing for me to be upset about. Does that make sense? It's just that I didn't need any other doubts weighing on my mind when I want to be positive about this whole thing.

 

See that thing as a bridge you will cross when the information comes to you. Accept that it merely is a figment of your imagination at this point, it is a hypothesis with no proof or anything back it. You can of course starting thinking about a lot of reasons etc etc. But none of that adds up to exactly that. So state clearly to yourself, 'this is all my thoughts, these things are all MY ideas, none of them are grounded in reality'. This helped me a bit as well.

[valavoo]

See that thing as a bridge you will cross when the information comes to you. Accept that it merely is a figment of your imagination at this point, it is a hypothesis with no proof or anything back it. You can of course starting thinking about a lot of reasons etc etc. But none of that adds up to exactly that. So state clearly to yourself, 'this is all my thoughts, these things are all MY ideas, none of them are grounded in reality'. This helped me a bit as well.

 

*repeats this really loudly* GAH

[Jibralta]

I really didn't think that before and frankly I didn't WANT to think about it because it'd be yet another thing for me to be upset about. Does that make sense?

 

It makes sense. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about your current situation, so it's not surprising that you're stressing over possibilities and unknowns.

[valavoo]

It makes sense. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about your current situation, so it's not surprising that you're stressing over possibilities and unknowns.

 

Aaaahhhh so many responses ;v; sorry if I start responding a little slower.

 

I have a lot of anxiety in general, haha. I've never ever liked things that are out of my control and the unknown, especially with people. Having gone through quite a bit of trauma as well I have some issues coming to trust the world around me. It's something I've been fighting with my whole life, but I'm still alive so that's a plus, right? I think it is.

 

Since he's not with me right now, I've been coming up with a ton of reasons why he may or may not ever want to be with me again. I've been trying to quiet it but it comes up when I'm not distracted or stressed about unrelated things!

 

I am much more effective at helping other people through their problems than sorting through my own.

 

 

 

Anyway, thank you to literally everyone who has taken the time to respond to me. That goes for people who have helped and people I may have been snippy with. Without multiple opinions and perspectives, humans can't grow.

[loip9114]

No worries, take all the time you need.

 

I definitely understand that, my past also made me very paranoid of people and their true intentions. I rarely fully trust anyone, pretty much none of my friends know everything about me. There's always some part I never show. Definitely a plus that you are still standing, maybe draw power from that? You've gone through enough before, and that sucks, but it also shows you are strong enough to get through this as well.

 

Those are the natural triggers for overthinking. Same applies here. Are there perhaps one of those reasons which you believe is grounded in reality? That could be some sort of goal to work on. Possibly returning some feeling of control. For me it was self-esteem.

 

Maybe this one helps 'My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.' or 'My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling'

'When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass.'

'When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.'

 

These are some phrases I found online somewhere they kind of helped me.