Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[Batya33]

*sigh*

 

Yes, I know. I'm supposed to work on forgetting.

 

I disagree- no need to work on forgetting or to forget. Just how you react to reminders. I've not forgotten my exes and my reactions to reminders do not hurt me or my marriage or any relationships really. At some point some of those reminders definitely would have.

[valavoo]

I disagree- no need to work on forgetting or to forget. Just how you react to reminders. I've not forgotten my exes and my reactions to reminders do not hurt me or my marriage or any relationships really. At some point some of those reminders definitely would have.

 

Ah yeah. I guess. The term 'move on' to me has always meant to forget + forgo any chance of ever getting back together. It involves feelings dissipating as well. Rather, move 'forward' is more what you're talking about, though with the added desire of wanting to be with the person who broke up with you.

[Batya33]

Ah yeah. I guess. The term 'move on' to me has always meant to forget + forgo any chance of ever getting back together. It involves feelings dissipating as well. Rather, move 'forward' is more what you're talking about, though with the added desire of wanting to be with the person who broke up with you.

No. I am talking about moving on. Moving on doesn't require forgetting about the person. It does mean being able to live your life and when you feel like you want to be with the other person you are able to react to that feeling by letting it exist in a way that doesn't impede your interactions with anyone else or your pursuit of anyone else should you feel like dating. I think about my exes from time to time including about what I would have done differently. But it's not because I want that person back it's because sometimes I'm surprised st how I behaved and the choices I made that are inconsistent with how I see myself and inconsistent with how I would act today. For example.

[valavoo]

I guess I don't really want to get into another argument so I'll just say thanks for the thoughts.

[mustlovedogs]

Why does what Batya says sound bad? To me that sounds very healthy and very realistic. I'm trying to understand your frame of mind.

[valavoo]

Why does what Batya says sound bad? To me that sounds very healthy and very realistic. I'm trying to understand your frame of mind.

 

I didn't say it was bad, actually. I just word what they're saying differently. In addition, I've already stated my position on myself "moving on". Batya has actually been quite nice and insightful given a little misunderstanding a few posts ago.

 

Anyway, I would ather not be called either delusional or high and mighty again, so I'm not really sure what else I'm safe to say here.

[Batya33]

I am baffled as to how you could come away with that reaction from what I wrote. I don't think you're delusional or high and mighty nor did I ever suggest that.

[mustlovedogs]

I am baffled as to how you could come away with that reaction from what I wrote. I don't think you're delusional or high and mighty nor did I ever suggest that.

 

It's a reference to me.

[valavoo]

I am baffled as to how you could come away with that reaction from what I wrote. I don't think you're delusional or high and mighty nor did I ever suggest that.

 

Not you at all! Sorry for the confusion. Gah. Your posts have actually helped me a ton.

[Tomthumb88]

I feel like as long as it's not consuming you, it's ok to harbor some hope. Live your life, grow and who knows

[valavoo]

I feel like as long as it's not consuming you, it's ok to harbor some hope. Live your life, grow and who knows

 

Yeah, only problem is that sometimes it does feel consuming. Like, I'm living my life and doing whatever but I feel really hollow sometimes. Not even trying to say I haven't had any happy times - I definitely have - but I'm definitely still feeling really off. This isn't even something going full "block everything" would fix.

[Batya33]

Leo faking it till you make it. It's worth it in the end even if it's tough right now.

[valavoo]

Leo faking it till you make it. It's worth it in the end even if it's tough right now.

 

Indeed. A lot of people IRL probably don't know how depressed I actually am.

[Tomthumb88]

I think you should try hard to move yourself forward and do some living. I decided to show my ex I was ok with social media posting... so think of that what you will, it had the side effect of me doing all sorts of fun things

[Batya33]

Indeed. A lot of people IRL probably don't know how depressed I actually am.

 

And that's fine if they are not people who can help you or who it would be helpful to tell (balanced against any downsides). Letting it all hang out sometimes is not the best way to heal. You are going to get to the other side, you really will.

 

By the way, how old are you?

[valavoo]

And that's fine if they are not people who can help you or who it would be helpful to tell (balanced against any downsides). Letting it all hang out sometimes is not the best way to heal. You are going to get to the other side, you really will.

 

By the way, how old are you?

 

May I ask why you want to know? (I'm 23 next month!)

[Capricorn3]

Indeed. A lot of people IRL probably don't know how depressed I actually am.

 

Have you ever considered counselling/therapy?

[valavoo]

Have you ever considered counselling/therapy?

 

Absolutely not. I've had nothing but bad experiences with therapists and I don't need yet another person trying to pull the "there's more fish in the sea" or "you have so much to live for" stuff. It's not helpful, especially since there's more than one thing contributing to my depression. It's a lot.

 

I'd been on medication for a time but the physical side effects were too bad.

[valavoo]

I messed up and took my own thread off topic. Sorry everyone!

[Batya33]

May I ask why you want to know? (I'm 23 next month!)

 

Because I have compassion and a practical side and if you said you were in your late 30s and still wanted to try and have children naturally with a partner you love, I might suggest hastening this "moving on" process.

 

Therapists who tell you fish in the sea etc crap are not acting in a professional way. I will say though when I was struggling at your age as to whether to marry the guy I was engaged to I went to a renowned therapist and one of the things he said -to test my thinking -was "well what do you mean -what's wrong with holding your nose and saying "I do?" So sometimes maybe the cliches/platitudes are to test you and see how you react but I agree just throwing around cliches - your mother can do that for free lol.

[valavoo]

Because I have compassion and a practical side and if you said you were in your late 30s and still wanted to try and have children naturally with a partner you love, I might suggest hastening this "moving on" process.

 

Therapists who tell you fish in the sea etc crap are not acting in a professional way. I will say though when I was struggling at your age as to whether to marry the guy I was engaged to I went to a renowned therapist and one of the things he said -to test my thinking -was "well what do you mean -what's wrong with holding your nose and saying "I do?" So sometimes maybe the cliches/platitudes are to test you and see how you react but I agree just throwing around cliches - your mother can do that for free lol.

 

That totally makes sense. I wish I'd had better experiences with therapy but unfortunately I really haven't. It's a long process to find a therapist that works (because even if they're good, you may not 'click' with them). I just don't have the mental fortitude to keep trying and getting more people that just don't work for me. It all feels rather hopeless.

[Batya33]

That totally makes sense. I wish I'd had better experiences with therapy but unfortunately I really haven't. It's a long process to find a therapist that works (because even if they're good, you may not 'click' with them). I just don't have the mental fortitude to keep trying and getting more people that just don't work for me. It all feels rather hopeless.

 

Yes, it's a balance. It depends how hard you want to work to reach your goals and how important your goals are to you. You are entitled to believe you don't have the "mental fortitude" and accept that as your reality. Or, you can make a different choice. It really is all under your control as to how much time, effort, energy, emotional investment you want to put into becoming the right person to find the right person (that is how I described it to myself -for years I got in my own way -I wasn't yet the right person to find the right person).

[valavoo]

I'm back again! Woo!

 

Anyway. Indeed, you are right. As of right now I'm really needing to get my head set for graduate school.

[Batya33]

I'm back again! Woo!

 

Anyway. Indeed, you are right. As of right now I'm really needing to get my head set for graduate school.

 

Because I went to grad school and because I stopped myself from an awful breakup hampering my grad school efforts, I: met my future husband, had a successful long career in a field I was and am passionate about, saved enough of a nest egg because of that career to feel 100% comfortable being a full time parent for 7 years, was able to move out of my parents' house, etc. your education and the results from that are far far more important right now than any guy. Good for you!

[valavoo]

Again, thanks for the input. I'm glad that it ended up working out for you.