Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[valavoo]

Well, no. And that's because the person reaching out likely would be doing so by text or on social media which requires about 5 seconds total (and in many cases you get a reminder of the birthday so it's not even that you've "remembered" in the pre-internet old days). If the purpose of reaching out is to reconcile then the reaching out should be related to the purpose - because that's the most honest/open/direct way to go about it. When my now husband and I reconciled I'm certain neither of us ever dreamed that sparks would fly during our dinner that we planned just to catch up because he was in town and we'd seen each other only once in almost 8 years. But when he realized he wanted to reconcile with me he was very direct about it - involved one sentence -and I was very direct in my response after getting over my surprise (even though I wanted the same thing).

 

I have reconciled where we started out more tentative -chatting here and there on IM, etc - there's not just one way.

 

If an ex didn't wish me a happy bday I probably would notice but understand why (also because if it's texted the ex's new SO might see it, etc -I also kept that in mind as far as deciding when/how to contact).

 

Wow. Okay, I think I've been convinced that I am aggressively overthinking this.

 

I'm also a huuuuuuuge fan of the whole directness thing. But I can't say with absolute certainty that I could, if I had broken up with someone, have the courage to just say it outright. So I understand that perspective as well and the need to reach out bit by bit.

[Batya33]

Wow. Okay, I think I've been convinced that I am aggressively overthinking this.

 

I'm also a huuuuuuuge fan of the whole directness thing. But I can't say with absolute certainty that I could, if I had broken up with someone, have the courage to just say it outright. So I understand that perspective as well and the need to reach out bit by bit.

 

Yes and I understand that as well. I think "happy birthday" is not an effective way to reach out if the ultimate purpose is reconciliation. If the total purpose is to wish the person a happy birthday and you are certain the person will receive it in that way and it won't unduly interfere with his life then sure why not. Obviously there are exceptions -sometimes people even discuss that in advance as in "ok so we won't be in contact but it's ok if I wish your mom a happy birthday, right?" etc.

 

It's actually not so much about courage in this way -if the two of you are in touch and both want reconciliation then it's not a huge deal to be the first to express that in words. If it is going to take that much courage because there's only a remote chance the other person would be interested, that's different. It was not easy for my future husband to say it I am sure but after three evenings hanging out and catching up I think he had a strong sense that it needed to be said and thankfully didn't take his friend's advice to wait longer - he was leaving town for months and I was meeting and dating other people so we really might have missed the boat.

[valavoo]

Yes and I understand that as well. I think "happy birthday" is not an effective way to reach out if the ultimate purpose is reconciliation. If the total purpose is to wish the person a happy birthday and you are certain the person will receive it in that way and it won't unduly interfere with his life then sure why not. Obviously there are exceptions -sometimes people even discuss that in advance as in "ok so we won't be in contact but it's ok if I wish your mom a happy birthday, right?" etc.

 

It's actually not so much about courage in this way -if the two of you are in touch and both want reconciliation then it's not a huge deal to be the first to express that in words. If it is going to take that much courage because there's only a remote chance the other person would be interested, that's different. It was not easy for my future husband to say it I am sure but after three evenings hanging out and catching up I think he had a strong sense that it needed to be said and thankfully didn't take his friend's advice to wait longer - he was leaving town for months and I was meeting and dating other people so we really might have missed the boat.

 

Great. Honestly, I needed to hear that due to some current frustrations!

[Batya33]

Great. Honestly, I needed to hear that due to some current frustrations!

 

I'm glad what I wrote was helpful. My story is highly unusual. What is more typical is what I went through with my ex before that -back and forth several times over more than 5 years. Ironically we each got married the same year, him first, about 3 years after breaking up for the last time.

[Doc Blaze]

Oh no not necessarily disagreeing, just not understanding.

 

That makes sense as well. It's not a good impression, okay. But why wouldn't it be helpful toward a potential reconciliation? Isn't reaching out in some way the first step? And then would NOT reaching out automatically mean NOT interested in reconciling?

 

 

Again, I'm just asking questions!

 

 

No..........

[Jibralta]

Did you + your ex wish each other happy [insert holiday] while you were apart? Or just complete silence? Including birthdays, etc.

 

I think mostly complete silence. One time, I was the dumpee, and our break up occurred a day or two before his birthday. I emailed him a brief Happy Birthday with a silly video ( ). He completely ignored my email but he posted the accompanying video on facebook with zero shout out to me. That made me sad and I blocked his cold, cruel ass.

 

Another time (different boyfriend), I sent some sort of greeting card to his parents. I'm sitting here trying to remember why I did this seemingly creepy thing, like what occasion was it? It wasn't Christmas, because we broke up a couple months after that. It may have been an Easter card. Or maybe it was an anniversary card. They were just such nice people, and I think I felt guilty for breaking up with their son. He had just given me an ipod and an ihome (this was 10 years ago, before smartphones really broke through). And his parents were so excited about me going to architecture school. I think they thought I was going to marry him, even though we were only together 7 months (actually, that was pretty long for me). So I sent this simple greeting card to assuage my own guilt, and it worked! It might have freaked them out, though...lol.

[Batya33]

I think mostly complete silence. One time, I was the dumpee, and our break up occurred a day or two before his birthday. I emailed him a brief Happy Birthday with a silly video ( ). He completely ignored my email but he posted the accompanying video on facebook with zero shout out to me. That made me sad and I blocked his cold, cruel ass.

 

Another time (different boyfriend), I sent some sort of greeting card to his parents. I'm sitting here trying to remember why I did this seemingly creepy thing, like what occasion was it? It wasn't Christmas, because we broke up a couple months after that. It may have been an Easter card. They were just such nice people, and I think I felt guilty for breaking up with their son. He had just given me an ipod and an ihome (this was 10 years ago, before smartphones really broke through). And his parents were so excited about me going to architecture school. I think they thought I was going to marry him, even though we were only together 7 months (actually, that was pretty long for me). So I sent this simple greeting card to assuage my own guilt, and it worked! It might have freaked them out, though...lol.

 

I sent an ex's parents a thank you card because they'd had me at their house regularly and been so good to me. We did end up reconciling and no harm was done but my ex was baffled (he still lived at home at the time!).

[Jibralta]

Glad you understand!

[valavoo]

Glad you understand!

 

That's so interesting. I recently found out that my ex apparently texted my mother last month. She said it was something random/inconsequential and wouldn't tell me exactly what he said. But I was like

 

????

 

What?

 

LOL

[Batya33]

That's so interesting. I recently found out that my ex apparently texted my mother last month. She said it was something random/inconsequential and wouldn't tell me exactly what he said. But I was like

 

????

 

What?

 

LOL

 

I wouldn't read into it.

[valavoo]

I wouldn't read into it.

 

I’m certainly not, but I do think it was not appropriate.

[Batya33]

I’m certainly not, but I do think it was not appropriate.

 

Depends on the reason but I tend to agree with you.

[mandeelove]

I wished an ex a happy bday which fell 3 months after our breakup. I waited a day late lol he got mad that I missed his bday by one day. Then my bday was a few months later. He didnt say anything !

I proceeded by texting him Merry Christmas a few months later. No response. Then even a sweet text "thinking of you" on fathers day since it was his first fathers day without his dad. He had just passed on. Again, no response. I stopped after that. We did have limited contact in between all these dates but he totally ignored me when it came time for important dates so I never did it again. He didnt either. I think theres a big form of rejection if u remember their bday and then they say nothing back. Its a terrible feeling. So only if you're prepared for rejection then Id say follow your instinct. But if your ex texts you on the occassions, its really up to you to see if you will respond or not. Some people dont think its worth breaking the NC they worked hard on.

My bday is coming up so if this ex texted me Id def not answer. Its been 5 months of NC. I cant risk going back into a cycle.

[valavoo]

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm probably gonna continue being quiet on this forum unless something major happens. Probably post a new thread too. Much love.

[Trying again]

I did get back with my ex boyfriend after one month he dumped me. I didn't do NC, I contacted him once a week, either call or go to his place to have a brief talking. He didn't initial any contact, but when I call or text him, he will reply. He was thinking he made right decision for the first three weeks, but he saw I trying hard and made effort, he was thinking maybe he should give me a second chance. It happened this weekend when we had a dating night. We have been together for 2 and half years. The reason he broke up with me is he felt he didn't love me enough. Hope it help you guys suffering the pain of being dumped. I had been there, couldn't sleep and eat, lost 5 pounds....

[valavoo]

Aah a small thing happened.

 

Would anyone mind me PMing them for advice?

[shiner501]

Very rarely do people get back together again successfully. There was a reason for the break up in the first place. That is the experience of myself, all my friends both male and female and is also the general observation of nearly everyone on this forum. Rarely does it work out 2nd, 3rd (nth) time because the issues that drove you apart are still there; there was something fundamentally wrong or an incompatibility on outlook on life between you to drive you apart the first time. People who say "there wasn't anything wrong" are kidding themselves or are naive and not looking at their own situation objectively enough.

[Batya33]

I knew there was something wrong just like I knew almost 8 years later that what was incompatible faded with time, growth and changed life situations. Sure I get irritated or annoyed at times but I've never ever felt like oops o made a mistake reconciling because we're back to where we were. I think they would have happened though had he agreed to get back together 6 weeks after we broke up. For example it never would have occurred to me the first time around that lesrngong from his type B attributes could be a positive change for me.

We got back together about a dozen years ago and married for almost 9. So far so good!

[valavoo]

Still looking for someone who would let me PM them for a pretty short bit of advice. I just don’t want to post said thing publicly.

[MissCanuck]

I know we've had differing views in the past, but do feel free to PM me if you'd like, OP.

[Batya33]

Still looking for someone who would let me PM them for a pretty short bit of advice. I just don’t want to post said thing publicly.

 

Sure -go ahead -didn't know you were looking for input. Will add you to my contacts now.

[valavoo]

Ah thank you for the kindness!

[nknhnikki]

Hello there & how are you? I've experienced what it sounds like you are experiencing in this post... I've got an ex I've taken back multiple times. My belief is, if there's mutual love & any common ground. Try to work it out talk about what created the issues in the first place. Never be afraid to ask if ones alright or how do they honestly feel. Because in reality, it's up to you to find out if it's worth it. You know how you are personally, & know what you want. So, that's what I've done. Bit if certain issues kept reaccuring, depending on what they was, I would eventually have to part ways with them... Now what to do in the meantime while remaining apart? Goes with what I've said above. If you,

[nknhnikki]

made your mind up & you really feel there is a mutual, connection & love. Then take that time to think about what happened? What led up to this point of separation? & Then think about a positive way to interject it as a reach out to him. The. My dear, I would find out if it's mutual & he wants it to work to I talk from him from there & we agree to work it out & we move forward. Like I've always heard when it comes to developing a deep love, caring steady relationship.... "Rome wasn't built in a day" or it's going to take sometime to get to really know each other especially if you've never lived with him or her... Because everyone is always more comfortable in their own home to be open & honest don't you think?

[valavoo]

made your mind up & you really feel there is a mutual, connection & love. Then take that time to think about what happened? What led up to this point of separation? & Then think about a positive way to interject it as a reach out to him. The. My dear, I would find out if it's mutual & he wants it to work to I talk from him from there & we agree to work it out & we move forward. Like I've always heard when it comes to developing a deep love, caring steady relationship.... "Rome wasn't built in a day" or it's going to take sometime to get to really know each other especially if you've never lived with him or her... Because everyone is always more comfortable in their own home to be open & honest don't you think?

 

Ahhhh thank you for this friend! I actually really needed to see this today. I'm having a really tough time.