Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[Batya33]

Again, thanks for the input. I'm glad that it ended up working out for you.

 

That is not why I shared that -it was to hopefully inspire you. By doing what you're doing you're taking care of you and when you do that, good things happen.

[valavoo]

That is not why I shared that -it was to hopefully inspire you. By doing what you're doing you're taking care of you and when you do that, good things happen.

 

Yes that is what I meant ;v; I was just trying to share good thoughts back at you.

[Akfranklin2014]

I rekindled with my ex after a year. I went through a lot moving back home and then my mother passed. He'd been there for me during that time as his mother had passed a few years before. We were actually 800 miles away from each other so it was through texts and phone calls. He moved up to be with me and we got married about 6 months later. It was a mistake however, as he cheated on me and became abusive.

 

I say that to say this: an ex is an ex for a reason. Unless you split amicably and mutually (which is almost never the case) I don't believe relationships should be rekindled after they die. There are some exceptions as we all hear the stories of high school sweethearts who reconnected after their spouses have passed and their relationship lasts another 25 years. Generally speaking I would never take another ex back. I believe it's just asking for trouble and honestly wish I'd known it when I did it.

[Batya33]

Yes that is what I meant ;v; I was just trying to share good thoughts back at you.

 

Thank you!!

[valavoo]

I rekindled with my ex after a year. I went through a lot moving back home and then my mother passed. He'd been there for me during that time as his mother had passed a few years before. We were actually 800 miles away from each other so it was through texts and phone calls. He moved up to be with me and we got married about 6 months later. It was a mistake however, as he cheated on me and became abusive.

 

I say that to say this: an ex is an ex for a reason. Unless you split amicably and mutually (which is almost never the case) I don't believe relationships should be rekindled after they die. There are some exceptions as we all hear the stories of high school sweethearts who reconnected after their spouses have passed and their relationship lasts another 25 years. Generally speaking I would never take another ex back. I believe it's just asking for trouble and honestly wish I'd known it when I did it.

 

Dang! I'm really really sorry you went through that. However, I do not adapt the mindset of 'an ex is an ex for a reason' in the sense that one should never go back. I think that phrase means more that the breakup happened for a reason and unless those reasons are resolved somehow it won't work.

[valavoo]

New question! Please take this question at face value!

 

Why, if someone is a "dumper" but misses you to the point of wanting you back...would they not speak to you? Why would they still wait?

[alex122344]

New question! Please take this question at face value!

 

Why, if someone is a "dumper" but misses you to the point of wanting you back...would they not speak to you? Why would they still wait?

 

In my situation, when i dumped me ex i did come back to her, but i took my time to get the relationship going again

[alex122344]

And yes they probably will, depends on the person

[mustlovedogs]

If they miss you to the point of wanting you back, they would likely reach out.

[mandeelove]

It could be a pride thing. They realize it was a mistake maybe and dont want to admit it.

[valavoo]

In my situation, when i dumped me ex i did come back to her, but i took my time to get the relationship going again

 

Interesting. Did you start as friends? I feel like that would be super hard to do for the one that got dumped.

[MissCanuck]

If a dumper misses you so much that they feel they made a mistake, they will almost always reach out in some way.

 

The only time I can personally think of when one didn't, (a friend), was because the break-up was very messy and the dumpee had told dumper never to contact him again. So she didn't. And it's a good thing she didn't because I very much doubt a reconciliation would have gone well.

[Lightjocj]

I'm curious Valavoo, I don't want to go off your current topic. But can you discribe your current day to day actions. Example- you wake up and the first thing you do is check social media? Do you search for what your ex is up to ? How many times a day do you check your phone in hopes of hearing from him? How much time do you spend either sleeping or just laying around . Do you go out? So pretty much how much of your day is spend thinking, reading , watching videos ect that have to do with your ex or relationships in general. At the moment I'm just gathering information. I'm not going to say move on, or don't move on, for now it's just taking a snap shot of how your moving along day to day.

[valavoo]

I'm curious Valavoo, I don't want to go off your current topic. But can you discribe your current day to day actions. Example- you wake up and the first thing you do is check social media? Do you search for what your ex is up to ? How many times a day do you check your phone in hopes of hearing from him? How much time do you spend either sleeping or just laying around . Do you go out? So pretty much how much of your day is spend thinking, reading , watching videos ect that have to do with your ex or relationships in general. At the moment I'm just gathering information. I'm not going to say move on, or don't move on, for now it's just taking a snap shot of how your moving along day to day.

 

Oh uh. I mean, I'm one of those people who is on the computer a lot anyway so yeah I do get up and check it, but not necessarily looking at his social media. I have him unfollowed, unfriended, or hidden pretty much everywhere (though not blocked because I don't believe in blocking unless something is really going wrong).

 

But in any case. I wake up and go about my day? It's different every day. Working, getting ready for class next week, drawing.... watching shows I like, seeing friends when they are available. To add, I am kind of a homebody, so my desire to stay home a lot doesn't really have anything to do with my ex. But I'm doing various things as hobbies or work pretty much every day except this one time I got sick.

 

Only place I constantly come to in regards to exes and relationships is ENA. Right now it's pretty therapeutic and helpful for me, although sometimes it's stressful but that's only when there are little tense situations on the site itself. I won't lie and tell you I don't think about him pretty consistently but it's not to say my mind is one-track always about him only. I have a kind of dual thinking going on - the rest of my life and the other side of my mind thinking about him. Sometimes it's not the back of my mind - usually right in the morning and at night, so I make sure to use loooooots of happy distractions (normally humorous ones) in those times.

 

In other words, I always always miss and love him. I am very sad not to be with him. But I'm not staying curled up in bed staring at my phone waiting for him to send me a text. I can't afford to do that for my mental health and my life in general.

 

;-; Oh, I feel like I'm under a microscope.

[Lightjocj]

Oh uh. I mean, I'm one of those people who is on the computer a lot anyway so yeah I do get up and check it, but not necessarily looking at his social media. I have him unfollowed, unfriended, or hidden pretty much everywhere (though not blocked because I don't believe in blocking unless something is really going wrong).

 

But in any case. I wake up and go about my day? It's different every day. Working, getting ready for class next week, drawing.... watching shows I like, seeing friends when they are available. To add, I am kind of a homebody, so my desire to stay home a lot doesn't really have anything to do with my ex. But I'm doing various things as hobbies or work pretty much every day except this one time I got sick.

 

Only place I constantly come to in regards to exes and relationships is ENA. Right now it's pretty therapeutic and helpful for me, although sometimes it's stressful but that's only when there are little tense situations on the site itself. I won't lie and tell you I don't think about him pretty consistently but it's not to say my mind is one-track always about him only. I have a kind of dual thinking going on - the rest of my life and the other side of my mind thinking about him. Sometimes it's not the back of my mind - usually right in the morning and at night, so I make sure to use loooooots of happy distractions (normally humorous ones) in those times.

 

In other words, I always always miss and love him. I am very sad not to be with him. But I'm not staying curled up in bed staring at my phone waiting for him to send me a text. I can't afford to do that for my mental health and my life in general.

 

;-; Oh, I feel like I'm under a microscope.

I will respond to this later today. But maybe this will help also..

 

[valavoo]

I will respond to this later today. But maybe this will help also..

]

 

I'd rather keep this thread on the topic of the questions I've asked.

 

None of that advice was anything I haven't heard before and I'm pretty done watching breakup/ex back advice vids.

 

*EDIT* wow wait that came off more rude than I intended. I do always appreciate all kinds of comments buuuuut I am admittedly tired of my behavior being picked apart I guess. Not saying you would necessarily do that, but I've found that watching those videos to be discouraging, not encouraging, and blah.

[Lightjocj]

I'd rather keep this thread on the topic of the questions I've asked.

 

None of that advice was anything I haven't heard before and I'm pretty done watching breakup/ex back advice vids.

 

*EDIT* wow wait that came off more rude than I intended. I do always appreciate all kinds of comments buuuuut I am admittedly tired of my behavior being picked apart I guess. Not saying you would necessarily do that, but I've found that watching those videos to be discouraging, not encouraging, and blah.

 

Didn't take it as rude, but keep in mind just picking and choosing what you want to hear, from those of us who are taking the time to help and have been threw this does come across as discouraging to certain people, as I'm sure is does you also, I do hope things work out for you, just was trying to help... hope is never a bad thing...please don't discount everything everybody has to say or show. You certainly don't have to read it or watch it, but it's still something we/I took the time to respond to..

PS.. thank you for clarifying in Edit.

[valavoo]

Didn't take it as rude, but keep in mind just picking and choosing what you want to hear, from those of us who are taking the time to help and have been threw this does come across as discouraging to certain people, as I'm sure is does you also, I do hope things work out for you, just was trying to help... hope is never a bad thing...please don't discount everything everybody has to say or show. You certainly don't have to read it or watch it, but it's still something we/I took the time to respond to..

PS.. thank you for clarifying in Edit.

 

I still don't think I'm expressing myself correctly ; - ; I don't at all mean to say I don't want to hear all perspectives (unless people are being mean. meanness can go away)

 

Like yeah, it is helpful, and I totally recognize that. But I fully admit it is a little frustrating when I'm asking specific questions and still somehow people feel the need to act like my questions are based on fantasy. I don't really think my questions or my thread are particularly blind or wrong, rather, it's just something different that I wanted to do. As said in my previous postings, I've gotten pretty much all of that advice before, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of moving forward with my life. I guess, for some people here, I'm not doing enough or being less sad fast enough.

 

Again, not saying that you are doing any of this, but I've become a little wary toward people here because of that.

[Batya33]

I still don't think I'm expressing myself correctly ; - ; I don't at all mean to say I don't want to hear all perspectives (unless people are being mean. meanness can go away)

 

Like yeah, it is helpful, and I totally recognize that. But I fully admit it is a little frustrating when I'm asking specific questions and still somehow people feel the need to act like my questions are based on fantasy. I don't really think my questions or my thread are particularly blind or wrong, rather, it's just something different that I wanted to do. As said in my previous postings, I've gotten pretty much all of that advice before, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of moving forward with my life. I guess, for some people here, I'm not doing enough or being less sad fast enough.

 

Again, not saying that you are doing any of this, but I've become a little wary toward people here because of that.

 

So, ENA is a free site and most people who take the time to respond here are well-meaning. So if I were you I'd take that into account as far as your expectations as to whether people are interpreting what you've asked correctly, or staying on topic, etc. Certainly if you pay for therapy and you feel the therapist is going off topic, not taking the proper time and attention to understand you -well of course you should say something! If you feel that people aren't being helpful, just scroll by or stop posting if the benefit/downside analysis comes out towards the latter.

 

And remember no one is "acting" here -they are typing. Typed words can be misunderstood as can tone in typed words.

[loip9114]

While you can listen to all the advice, you can also decide that some types of advice do not apply to your specific situation.

For some people harsh advice works, others need a 'silk-touch' type of advice. Some advice gives people comfort, while it send others into a rage or panic-mode.

 

It is true that you would wish someone to read your advice, and while most of the time people will. They will decide whether to follow it or not. I listen to all the advice people present me, but then I decide whether it applies to me and is worth following. So it's more of discounting it after thinking it through. Does that make a difference?

 

Specific questions might elicit varying answers. So yeah that could be it. Some people are more bitter than others as well due to their experiences.

 

Also we all go in our own tempo.

[valavoo]

While you can listen to all the advice, you can also decide that some types of advice do not apply to your specific situation.

For some people harsh advice works, others need a 'silk-touch' type of advice. Some advice gives people comfort, while it send others into a rage or panic-mode.

 

It is true that you would wish someone to read your advice, and while most of the time people will. They will decide whether to follow it or not. I listen to all the advice people present me, but then I decide whether it applies to me and is worth following. So it's more of discounting it after thinking it through. Does that make a difference?

 

Specific questions might elicit varying answers. So yeah that could be it. Some people are more bitter than others as well due to their experiences.

 

Also we all go in our own tempo.

 

I'll also add the issue of opposing advice. There has been advice all over the spectrum given to me and everyone seems to have equal intention (either to help me or to just generally be right). No one is to blame as 'right or wrong', but I am having the world's hardest time trying to figure out who is the "right" one to listen to.

 

Actually, I'd rather listen to myself, but I'm finding that to be the hardest of all.

[valavoo]

So, ENA is a free site and most people who take the time to respond here are well-meaning. So if I were you I'd take that into account as far as your expectations as to whether people are interpreting what you've asked correctly, or staying on topic, etc. Certainly if you pay for therapy and you feel the therapist is going off topic, not taking the proper time and attention to understand you -well of course you should say something! If you feel that people aren't being helpful, just scroll by or stop posting if the benefit/downside analysis comes out towards the latter.

 

And remember no one is "acting" here -they are typing. Typed words can be misunderstood as can tone in typed words.

 

You know, I actually have thought about stopping my postings. But, and while this may sound ridiculous, I feel like I've "lost" somehow if I just disappear. I almost feel obligated to keep posting even when it stresses me out. This is no one's fault but my own.

 

That, and I feel pretty lonely because this place is my only outlet to talk about this stuff as of right now.

 

*headdesk*

[Batya33]

You know, I actually have thought about stopping my postings. But, and while this may sound ridiculous, I feel like I've "lost" somehow if I just disappear. I almost feel obligated to keep posting even when it stresses me out. This is no one's fault but my own.

 

That, and I feel pretty lonely because this place is my only outlet to talk about this stuff as of right now.

 

*headdesk*

 

Right. So that is your benefit/downside analysis -you feel the need to be "right" in this situation when interacting with strangers on a message board. So that is your priority and sticking to it means the downside of the frustration you described. I'm sorry you feel lonely and it's better sometimes to post then to talk to friends where the broken record thing can happen all too quickly. I didn't have this outlet during one break up (25 years ago and I still remember the devastation and hopelessnes). and really annoyed a new friend.

[valavoo]

Right. So that is your benefit/downside analysis -you feel the need to be "right" in this situation when interacting with strangers on a message board. So that is your priority and sticking to it means the downside of the frustration you described. I'm sorry you feel lonely and it's better sometimes to post then to talk to friends where the broken record thing can happen all too quickly. I didn't have this outlet during one break up (25 years ago and I still remember the devastation and hopelessnes). and really annoyed a new friend.

 

T-T pleeaaaaase stop saying I just want to be right. I am not that shallow. I've already said that is really not at all my intention so please take what I say at face value. Especially not toward you. While I do have a small bit of contempt for a few other people around here, you are not among them nor are a good bit of people who have posted on this topic in particular.

 

As for feeling as if I "lost", it's more like a lack of confidence than anything else. Some self imposed feeling of not belonging but the desire to stay and search for said belonging anyway.

[mustlovedogs]

I know I'm one of those posters you feel contempt for, but I think it's because you haven't liked my messages.

 

This is just an observation. If you're thinking of stopping posting because it means you've lost, that does, in a sense, indicate a need to be right. It tells me there is an argument to be had instead of a discussion.

 

When I was going through my breakup, I was defensive. I get it. I wanted to be right, too.

 

It's natural. However, I think you should take some time to be introspective. Think about the comments you disagree with. Read some articles outside of here. Read some self help resources and ways to manage a breakup (not to get back together, but how to manage yourself).

 

The me post breakup is totally unrecognizable from the me pre relationship and the me during my relationship. I'm significantly happier, I feel like my life is finally on the right track, and my confidence is way higher than it's ever been.

 

The breakup with my ex fueled that. This period, IMO, is a huge opportunity for personal growth. My concern is you're holding yourself up in order to hold on to your ex.