Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[Disenchanted]

tbh best ted talk ever thank you

 

You've watched it before?

[valavoo]

You've watched it before?

 

No I haven't watched it yet, but I'm sure itll be promising!

[Disenchanted]

No I haven't watched it yet, but I'm sure itll be promising!

 

Let me know what you think!

[Lightjocj]

I do agree that you both have to let go complety before any reconnecting can be done. What if I said the best thing for you to do is also the hardest.? Would you still do it. Sadly that's what I found to be true ..both sides have to date and see what else is out there, esp if neither of you have done that . If you ever have only been with each other then it's nearly impossible to know wether or not there's something even better out there. So although time maybe what has you worried, time can also teach you both wether or not you are in fact compatable for each other ..I think under those circumstances a stronger reconciliation is possible . I disagree that if alot of time goes by 6-12 months even longer that it's unlikely that you will be back together ..people change, and change is what needs to happen. Otherwise your just going back to the same old issues and problems . Theres no set rule ..or time. If you feel the need to dip your toes in the water and see what the reaction is from your ex , then go for it. I did, after 6 months ..I got no response..and I'm fine with it, no regrets . Im not happy I was ignored but whatever . I needed to know where I stood. And yano come this Feb I have every intention on wishing him a happy birthday ..1 year after NC.

Btw I still have some faith left..not much but some

[Disenchanted]

I do agree that you both have to let go complety before any reconnecting can be done. What if I said the best thing for you to do is also the hardest.? Would you still do it. Sadly that's what I found to be true ..both sides have to date and see what else is out there, esp if neither of you have done that . If you ever have only been with each other then it's nearly impossible to know wether or not there's something even better out there. So although time maybe what has you worried, time can also teach you both wether or not you are in fact compatable for each other ..I think under those circumstances a stronger reconciliation is possible . I disagree that if alot of time goes by 6-12 months even longer that it's unlikely that you will be back together ..people change, and change is what needs to happen. Otherwise your just going back to the same old issues and problems . Theres no set rule ..or time. If you feel the need to dip your toes in the water and see what the reaction is from your ex , then go for it. I did, after 6 months ..I got no response..and I'm fine with it, no regrets . Im not happy I was ignored but whatever . I needed to know where I stood. And yano come this Feb I have every intention on wishing him a happy birthday ..1 year after NC.

Btw I still have some faith left..not much but some

 

What did you say after those 6 months?

[rollie]

Asking you a specific question - how in the heck did you keep your faith all that time? Did people tell you not to? Did you go ahead and date others as well?

Well it's really a case by case basis. As for me personally, I really only had 1 person telling me to move on as he felt it was over. Everyone else in my family and friends were hopeful that she would reach out, and I shared that same optimism because I know the kind of relationship we shared. Our split was mutual, we had no fights, there were no hard feelings. That is one of the more ideal situations to reconcile from. Knowing that, and understanding the type of relationship we shared, is how I was able to keep my faith and know that we would return together.

 

I am her first love, and we are both madly in love. We're that cute couple that just connects on every single level, starting with our sarcastic personalities. We're goofy, we love to have fun around each other, we do everything together. She is my best friend, and I am hers. When you share a bond like that, it almost always deserves a second chance. Of course if there was physical abuse or cheating, then I think you're doomed, but anything else, and I think you can work through it.

 

I took a risk by showing up at her work unannounced after 8 months NC, and it was the best decision I've ever made. She is also I'm happy I made that risk, because she was too nervous to make the first move, so she sat back and waited for me. One of the last things she said to me during our final talk, she told me she wanted to try and work things out in the future, because it was either going to be me, or no one at all. She would have preferred to be single rather than date anyone else. She was 31 when I met her, and had been single her whole life. Obviously dating wasn't a high priority or interest to her, and after we split, she remained committed to not dating anyone, and I'm glad she kept her word. After we got back together, she told me she was happy that I did not give up on her, or us, and she was the dumper. I did not date anyone, either. Right after our break, I went to work finishing up my engineering degree, getting job offers, strengthening relationships with family and friends, and being more successful at my current job. After that was all completed, I then began work on myself, going to counselling and trying to right the wrongs and faults in my life. If we were to try things again down the road, I wanted to make sure I had my issues sorted. To say I went through a lot of change in those 8 months, is an understatement. I put my head down and busted my tail to improve my life, and I'm proud of where that got me.

[valavoo]

Well it's really a case by case basis. As for me personally, I really only had 1 person telling me to move on as he felt it was over. Everyone else in my family and friends were hopeful that she would reach out, and I shared that same optimism because I know the kind of relationship we shared. Our split was mutual, we had no fights, there were no hard feelings. That is one of the more ideal situations to reconcile from. Knowing that, and understanding the type of relationship we shared, is how I was able to keep my faith and know that we would return together.

 

I am her first love, and we are both madly in love. We're that cute couple that just connects on every single level, starting with our sarcastic personalities. We're goofy, we love to have fun around each other, we do everything together. She is my best friend, and I am hers. When you share a bond like that, it almost always deserves a second chance. Of course if there was physical abuse or cheating, then I think you're doomed, but anything else, and I think you can work through it.

 

I took a risk by showing up at her work unannounced after 8 months NC, and it was the best decision I've ever made. She is also I'm happy I made that risk, because she was too nervous to make the first move, so she sat back and waited for me. One of the last things she said to me during our final talk, she told me she wanted to try and work things out in the future, because it was either going to be me, or no one at all. She would have preferred to be single rather than date anyone else. She was 31 when I met her, and had been single her whole life. Obviously dating wasn't a high priority or interest to her, and after we split, she remained committed to not dating anyone, and I'm glad she kept her word. After we got back together, she told me she was happy that I did not give up on her, or us, and she was the dumper. I did not date anyone, either. Right after our break, I went to work finishing up my engineering degree, getting job offers, strengthening relationships with family and friends, and being more successful at my current job. After that was all completed, I then began work on myself, going to counselling and trying to right the wrongs and faults in my life. If we were to try things again down the road, I wanted to make sure I had my issues sorted. To say I went through a lot of change in those 8 months, is an understatement. I put my head down and busted my tail to improve my life, and I'm proud of where that got me.

 

Thank you very much for answering my questions so concisely. I see some similarities in our stories (though still I acknowledge that every single relationship is different). Again, thank's for answering my question so kindly. As of right now, I'm kind of leaning to do what you're doing. I have 0% interest in dating around and would prefer to improve myself in other ways. I'm heading to graduate school in exactly one month from tomorrow and I have a lot of personal plans I'll be working on. We were indeed close enough to be best friends and lovers, and until the stresses of college got in the way I feel that we were on the same wavelength. I don't know what he'll be doing but...I also feel that I'm handling it okay for the time being.

 

I really hope things continue to go well for you, friend. You deserve it!

[Lightjocj]

I sent just a simple hello email. The reason I didn't text was because I didn't want to be to intrusive, so I figured an email was a bit more chill, and less pushy. I mentioned how he was in my thoughts from time to time, and was hoping he was doing well. I got nothing back after sending that. I should mention, that a few months after the breakup we did stay in touch, not alot but we did text each other , mostly my doing . But he did usually respond. Then the one day I sent a text and got nothing back. I sent another a few weeks later and still nothing . That's when I took the hint and just stopped. Something interesting did happen a few months ago that I forgot about till just now though..he had me blocked from FB for the longest time..months I was blocked . I'd say 4 or so months ago I noticed his name showed up on some mutual friends pages. He unblocked me! We're not fb friends so I can't read his posts but I can see his profile . I have my profile settings pretty laxed so he can see alot of what I've been up to. But the fact he would just rondom unblock me? I've always looked at that as a positive sign on his part, and for letting time take it corse. Iv been scared to reach out again. Mostly because if I'm ignored that would really strike my ego and self esteem pretty hard again. So one might agree the blocked vs being unblocked as a good sign. But I'm still holding still at the moment, doing my own thing. Not dating anybody, as I have no interest . And as messed up as this does sounds , I'm hoping he IS going out and seeing what's out there . I do plan on reaching out again maybe in a few more months, if not I'll prob wish him happy bday, but that's not till Feb. So far doing nothing has very slowly been working. Him unblocking , and giving me a little boost along the way, knowing that I can still move forward..time time and more time seems to work best. But it's so hard to do.

[Ames34]

Hey Valavoo,

 

I just came across this story posted on another site by an anonymous poster, I thought it was a really nice story and gives some good insight into reconciliation through friendship. It's very long but I think well worth the read

 

 

 

*******

 

Have to go Anon…for somewhat obvious reasons

 

We were together for 5 years- 3 of them were LDR. I am in SF, he is in NYC.

 

Last summer, things got a little weird between us. We were arguing a bit more, primarily because of the distance- but we weren’t seeing eye to eye on a few things.

 

Fast forward to a night that ended with us in an argument, and the next morning he told me he had a lot of doubts about us because he met and felt this immediate connection with someone else.

 

The guy lives in Canada and was visiting NY for work and they basically had an affair for a few weeks. After a disastrous month of me flying to NYC twice to make things work, we ended up “going on break”. A month later, he emailed me that it was formally over and that he was with the new guy. The reasons he gave me were absurd rationalizations.

 

The first few weeks, I made all the common mistakes. Sent him a huge amount of texts and emails, tried to facetime him. He’d agree to take my FaceTimes, but it was always clear he had no interest in speaking and was in a rush to get off the call. I was angry, I tried to berate him, to guilt him, to make him realize that he still loved me and that he was chasing butterflies in a different country. Basically every single mistake in the book.

 

Finally, I got ahold of myself and realized I was going about this all wrong.

 

First- I spent a few months by myself, rebuilding my identity. This part is really critical as when you first met, you were a single happy person without them, they need to see that in order to get attracted again. Being needy/desparate/pleading/telling how much you love them/you are the only one for them, etc. Doesn’t work. You need to be by yourself again and regain confidence.

 

I spent a lot of time learning about “Awareness” and “Acceptance” - that just because he felt in love with me 2 weeks before we broke up, was no indication that's how he felt now. That even though I felt like we were soulmates and that I could see the bigger picture, that wasn’t where he was and that I needed to be able to emotionally connect with the him of the present, not my projections of where he should be based on my needs and wants.

 

I spent some time thinking about the two big issues we had. One was a bad habit of mine and he was right to point it out. The other was something that was changing in me quite naturally, leading me to be confident that I wasn’t “changing” because of him and that we could give ourselves a fair second shot.

 

While many of my friends and family villainized him- I found that I could see through my jealousy, anger and sadness that he went to someone else. I realize as a human being, you can’t control when that happens to you and when you get knocked off your feet by someone who makes your heart pound and gives you butterflies, you don’t really make rational or sane decisions. I realized and took accountability that he didn’t “leave me for this guy”- but instead he “left because he no longer felt I could make him happy”- these realizations were critical, it let me see things from his perspective rather then focusing on just mine. I saw the whole situation from his eyes and could see why events unfolded the way they did.

 

I was sad and devastated- but I knew I’d be okay.

 

The first thing I focused on was doing things for myself- for the first 2 months post break up, I realized I was still “living life” for him. When I posted on social media, I was doing it in the hopes that he would see it (even though we agreed to block each other). I eventually just started to do things for myself and enjoy them, including a month long trip to Europe- along the way I addressed the first issue he had brought up. It was a win/win- because even if he and I didn’t get back together, it would still make me a better person for the next guy. I got back into music, started new hobbies and interests, relaunched my blog, met new friends, reconnected with old ones and at about the 3/4 month mark, it still really hurt, I still missed him a great deal and I would still cry from time to time…but I felt …more like myself.

 

I moved back to NYC- this was always the plan anyway and it was the best outcome for me. I did really want to get back with him- but I couldn’t do it from SF, and I couldn’t do it while his mind was obsessed with butterflies from this new guy. I saw and recognized I had a HUGE advantage because my ex always wanted one thing- companionship. Throughout the LDR, he was constantly frustrated that we weren’t “making memories together”. So he fell for someone who lives 500 miles away, but has to cross an international border to see so logically speaking, if I was patient with this, the situation would take care of itself.

 

On the other side, my situation was very difficult because I was competing against butterflies. This is VERY difficult if you are the old “routine”. You can be the perfect boyfriend, but if you are up against someone who is giving the object of your attention those stomach turning thrills and loops- you have to act completely counterintuitively.

 

You can’t try to guilt them- they made their choice, and deep down they feel terrible, but they need to get to that spot on their own

You can’t bring up or give life to their other relationship- it has nothing to do with you, even though you are dying to know, you ignore it. You don’t even mention their name. (Naturally, I knew everything about the guy, but i didn’t share that with my ex- the first time I did, it just got us into a fight)

My ex is selfish and doesn’t hold grudges- I have always been extremely impressed at his ability to just focus on moving forward. There is nobody on this earth that knows him as well as I do, I’ve been with him through some monumental changes in his life. His parents passed away and he finds it difficult to have meaningful friendships, instead he has tons of acquaintances. He made it clear several times that he didn’t want to lose me and was hoping we could be friends if I wasn’t hurt about his new relationship.

While every fiber in my being was screaming that this was a bad or insulting idea- realize that for two people who were truly in love, there is no such thing as “the friendzone”- those feelings are right there below the surface, ready to be re-ignited. So I agreed to be “friends”

You can’t be a doormat friend, but you have to intentionally friendzone yourself in order to get close to your ex. They NEED a reason to tell the world why they are hanging out with you again. If you continue to be needy, desperate, angry, guilt-inducing- they will keep you at a distance. If you try to make a plea to get back together, they will push you out- but if you can manage the pain and realize that the friend zone between two people who were in love is an illusion, then activate it. This gives you the chance to slowly but surely activate your plan.

Me ex and I were together for 5 years and had been broken up for 4 months. He was already “Serious” with the new guy, they had been on 5 vacations together, my ex introduced him to his family at a few functions. All indicating that this was a rebound. There was simply no way he was fully “over” me, especially because the week before my ex met this guy, my ex wrote me this huge email about how in love with me he was and how he wanted me in his life forever.

I realized that my ex felt no attraction to me. If he and the guy ended things, I might have a shot because my ex doesn’t like to be alone, but I realized for the last 6 months, all I had shown my ex was anger, guilt, sadness or jealousy- the only conversations we had were the relationship. It was only natural he felt absolutely nothing but negativity towards me. Friendzoning myself let his walls down and we began to speak. It was a little awkward at first- me initiating it, and him gradually lowering his walls and becoming more friendly and relaxed. We agreed to meet for coffee a few weeks later and ended up having a great time.

If they bring the new relationship, you have to be polite about it, acknowledge and accept it as reality but being COMPLETELY calm about it. If you try to insult, degrade or attack the person- it just justifies your exes decision. If you bring up the persons name, you are distancing yourself from your ex because they feel terrible for leaving you for this person and you saying that name reminds them of that- plus they will feel like you have no right to say the name, as it’s between your ex and the new person. You basically have to treat like a random subject and find a way to naturally change the subject without giving an emotional response

Slowly but surely, I applied the Decoy Effect. This has been one of the greatest psychological tricks used by Marketers for years- and it DOES work on people in an emotional way. Let me explain:

We were in an LDR and he had kept the door open for me. He said to me a few times “I really hate hurting you- and I’d love for us to be friends because you are so incredibly valuable to me. When you are back in NYC, maybe let’s just go out for coffee or dinner and just catch up one night? I just don’t want to talk about the old relationship anymore and if you can handle that I’m with someone else, I would be really curious in catching up and finding out what you were up to as friends” Again- this REALLY HURT, all my emotional responses were to scream against this and yell “We will never be friends”- yet, I kept that all in check, and told him I thought that was a great idea- I could tell this *immediately* lowered his defenses and a few weeks later when I sent him a random text, he was was friendly and cordial in responding. This was after 2 months of silence, and prior to that me being heated and angry and over-communicating on texts and emails, with him being distant and unresponsive.

The decoy effect is an interesting phenomenon. If a person is presented with two choices that suit a need, but those choices have no similar traits, the person will likely just go with whatever is convenient as they really don’t see the difference between the two. So if you are hungry and someone says “do you want a sandwich or pasta?” both of those will fill your hunger need. Neither is better then the other, and you are likely merely to go with whatever choice is easier- but…if I introduce a third option and say “or pasta with chicken and vegetables”- naturally this is far more appealing than just pasta, but now it sounds much more appealing then the sandwich as well. This is the decoy effect. When introduced with a third choice that is an improvement over one of the other choices, it becomes the most focused and appealing choice, even over the second choice.

Now- in this example, the guy my ex left me for is on one hand, and let’s say for the next few months my ex and I bond again- but everything is the same as it was. Now he’s split. He has new exciting feelings for the new guy, and he has old comfortable feelings for me. My chances are 50/50 and it’s likely he will actually stay with the new guy out of convenience because he already made that choice and needs to keep justifying it to himself

However, I activated the decoy effect. An upgraded version of myself. One that is more confident, a bit thinner, more travelled, who has a few more hobbies and interests then the last time he saw me, etc, and now all of a sudden I seem WAY more appealing then the other guy- because it’s an *upgraded* version of me. He also say me happy, high energy, making jokes - he hadn’t seen that side of me for months- it was an immediate upgrade to the old version of me he had with him. What made me confident in this was that the upgrade were natural. It wasn’t like I was changing who I was for him- they were actually in alignment with what we both wanted.

This took a few months- but there was an almost immediate re-attraction, followed by a slow and patient but steady rebonding. He subconsciously needed to see the changes I had made, and they were natural- hanging out with me so much started to bother his ex, shifting the “drama” to that relationship rather than between he and I, and when the new guy said to my ex “I feel like the two of you are spending a ton of time together- I’d rather you not seem him as much”- when my ex told me that I remained calm, expressed my regrets and told him that I hoped we could reconnect another point.

That night, he emailed me saying that he hated that he had to stop speaking to me, and that me being so understanding made it much worse. He emailed how much he loved me and how lucky I’d make some other guy and that he hoped at some point in a few years we might reconcile. I again ignored all of my emotional panic buttons and just didn’t respond. This was me 2.0, I wasn’t emotional, or confrontational. I didn’t send back a snarky or sarcastic message I just reiterated that I understood his situation, that I too was enjoying reconnecting and that I hoped we could continue sometime.

He lasted 4 days before texting me.

We got back together officially 3 weeks later. Completely his idea. I made him chase me for a little bit before finally agreeing to it.

We’ve been together since, it’s been a beautiful reconnection- we have much better communication, sex and have done some pretty amazing things. We’ve spoken honestly and candidly about the past, and he has apologized a few times and I’ve seen tremendous empathy within him for what he put me through. I let him do this by himself, even though I didn’t need it- but it was important to him that I understand how sorry he was, so I let him and it bonded us further.

TL/DR:

1- Reclaim Who You Are

2- Realize and Understand if this is something you really want

3- Take responsibilities for the faults that were YOURS. Don’t over-apologize for them, but they need to be DIFFERENT, and you need to SHOW- not TELL

4- Take some time for yourself, remember who you are by yourself, find your confidence

5- Intentionally friend-zone yourself, but ensure you aren’t overdoing it. Don’t turn into their door mat

6- Apply the Decoy Effect

7- Remain cool and detached about them dating /being with someone else

8- Have it be THEIR idea to get back together

[valavoo]

An interesting story. I wish I was brave enough to do those things.

[Disenchanted]

That person was brave, indeed. He really knew they were meant to be and planned this out.

[misterjister]

intentionally friendzoning yourself to show them the upgraded version of you. definitely a gamble...thoughts?

[Tarq]

If it's between friendzoning and NC then it's a no brainer. It's what I'm doing right now with my ex, I'd rather take the pain of being there on the frontline if/when she moves on to maybe pick up the pieces than be in a no man's land where I don't know how she is, what's going on or be forgotten about. Even if nothing happens between us again, right now I don't want anything too, I'm happy just being her closest friend.

 

Maybe I just like putting myself in line for misery haha

[misterjister]

If it's between friendzoning and NC then it's a no brainer. It's what I'm doing right now with my ex, I'd rather take the pain of being there on the frontline if/when she moves on to maybe pick up the pieces than be in a no man's land where I don't know how she is, what's going on or be forgotten about. Even if nothing happens between us again, right now I don't want anything too, I'm happy just being her closest friend.

 

Maybe I just like putting myself in line for misery haha

 

i said the same exact thing Tarq .. holding on to hope.

 

Make sure you're as prepared as you can be for the worst and take whatever else as a bonus would be my advice. Good luck!

[Thani]

intentionally friendzoning yourself to show them the upgraded version of you. definitely a gamble...thoughts?

 

I did this and it worked for me. Not officially back together, but in the process of reconcilliation

But I admit- it's a dangerous game and can go terribly wrong.

[valavoo]

I did this and it worked for me. Not officially back together, but in the process of reconcilliation

But I admit- it's a dangerous game and can go terribly wrong.

 

Goodness that's hard. I always heard "friendly, not friends." But at this point I'm too afraid to even text him or e-mail him. I can't stand the awkward/friendly dynamic between us and he hasn't bothered messaging so I don't really know what to do anymore. It's so hard...

 

I have this weird feeling in me though. I've started to feel like something good is just around the corner for me and mine, and as much as I try to squash that hope because of what I've heard on this forum I can't make that feeling go away. It seems that my "gut" is finally showing up.

[Aelr]

NC is for you, not them. This is not something you'll believe/even care about in the beginning.

 

You have separation anxiety, and the thought of leaving them scares you because you're afraid it gives them the time & space to forget about you, right?

This is almost never the case. (Please, note the word almost.)

 

Problem is that we look for definitive answers because we just want our loved ones back for f*cks sake!

In truth, you know your loved one best, so you have to do whats truly best for you, not them. They left you.

Staying in contact, especially when they're going to begin dating, is not whats truly best for you.

You're holding on to that idea because you're anxious that they'll forget you. I assure you that unless they have severe attachment issues, they will not forget you.

 

Just because they are feeling free from you today, does not mean it will stay that way in a month, 3 months, a year.

 

Patience is the hardest thing to have at a time like this because we all want to "DO" something.

You're right, so go do something. Work on yourself.

---

 

Sorry for going off-topic.

I'm in NC (about 5 weeks) and I am hoping my Ex-Fiance will reach out before she goes to Grad School in January.

I will definitely come back here and let you guys know if I ever got a shot at reconciliation.

[valavoo]

NC is for you, not them. This is not something you'll believe/even care about in the beginning.

 

You have separation anxiety, and the thought of leaving them scares you because you're afraid it gives them the time & space to forget about you, right?

This is almost never the case. (Please, note the word almost.)

 

Problem is that we look for definitive answers because we just want our loved ones back for f*cks sake!

In truth, you know your loved one best, so you have to do whats truly best for you, not them. They left you.

Staying in contact, especially when they're going to begin dating, is not whats truly best for you.

You're holding on to that idea because you're anxious that they'll forget you. I assure you that unless they have severe attachment issues, they will not forget you.

 

Just because they are feeling free from you today, does not mean it will stay that way in a month, 3 months, a year.

 

Patience is the hardest thing to have at a time like this because we all want to "DO" something.

You're right, so go do something. Work on yourself.

---

 

Sorry for going off-topic.

I'm in NC (about 5 weeks) and I am hoping my Ex-Fiance will reach out before she goes to Grad School in January.

I will definitely come back here and let you guys know if I ever got a shot at reconciliation.

 

We support you here and your choices!

 

It IS important to note that there are not hard and fast rules to any reconciliation. There is the socially accepted "norm" and the thing that seems to work the "best", but it doesn't work in every single case. So while you are 100000% right, sometimes different options DO work (though they ARE risky!). I honestly worry that I made a mistake doing NC, but I also know that talking to him right now would probably destroy me and I would feel better if HE were to message ME first.

[Wisebutsodumb]

We support you here and your choices!

 

It IS important to note that there are not hard and fast rules to any reconciliation. There is the socially accepted "norm" and the thing that seems to work the "best", but it doesn't work in every single case. So while you are 100000% right, sometimes different options DO work (though they ARE risky!). I honestly worry that I made a mistake doing NC, but I also know that talking to him right now would probably destroy me and I would feel better if HE were to message ME first.

 

Thanks guys, your posts are really helping me in a time of need. Make me not doubt my stance and choices

[Lightjocj]

It's so interesting to read every bodies comments, it's like reading my own life a year ago. I remember thinking and doing pretty much what your all talking about, I played every angle, thought about every cinero, I tried the friends thing at first. For me, it didn't work. The reason being as friends they can do whatever they want and there's not much you can say about it. They have the best of both worlds , can sleep around and still have you as a friend on the side ,that thought alone caused me more pain. It was either rip the band-aid off and stop all contact. Or slowly peel it back prolonging the pain. It's a gamble. It can work out in your favor , but it may not. For me it did not. They can't miss you if your still around. It usually gives them more time to distance themselfs from you . They can slowly get used to the fact that your not around as often. Easy for them considering they broke it off. Torture for the dumpee though. It's hard to say what the best thing to do is, because everybody has different results. As I said in past posts, iv been in a year nc . Iv learned and grown. And I'm sure he is doing the same. But I still have a slice of hope..right now I'm keeping the happy times alive in my mind. But at the moment in not making time for somebody who clearly isn't making time for me..

[Tarq]

i said the same exact thing Tarq .. holding on to hope.

 

Make sure you're as prepared as you can be for the worst and take whatever else as a bonus would be my advice. Good luck!

Very prepared. I don't think I'm in any danger of being hurt again, my desire to be with her in a relationship is gone. Without derailing this thread, we have a unusual friendship dynamic going on for people that have just broken up.

[Ames34]

I decided to go the friends route. Mostly because the break up was so sudden and I had no idea how to react, also because he insisted we be friends as he didn't want to lose me (yes I know, classic safety net scenario).

I have to say it's been.. strange. He was in CONSTANT contact with me for weeks after the split, it almost didn't feel real. I've initiated maybe 5% of the time, but I don't go more than 2 days without hearing from him.

I have to agree with others its verrrrry difficult. You almost have to separate yourself from the whole situation and put your needs above what is happening.

And it's very confusing as to how I should proceed, but all I can do is take it day by day!

[Thani]

Goodness that's hard. I always heard "friendly, not friends." But at this point I'm too afraid to even text him or e-mail him. I can't stand the awkward/friendly dynamic between us and he hasn't bothered messaging so I don't really know what to do anymore. It's so hard...

 

Yes, it's hard, very very hard. I had to fight on a lot of days and I still do sometimes. Maybe it was "easier" for me because he always contacted me and told me he missed me when I tried to apply NC for a few days.

What was very important in my situation is the fact that he cheated on me and fell in love with another woman. While I could easily hate him for that (I really understand how people could do that) I TRIED to understand and forgive him quite soon. We had hours and days and weeks of talking and discussing our situation which probably made it easier. While I still think that he made a terrible mistake and risked to destroy such a great relationship I now understand the reasons and how it could get so bad. It could have been me, I guess.

 

It's not easy but it always felt "wrong" for me to go full-NC. Since we are both "Internet-people" we even talked about the different "Ex-Back"-Websites yesterday. He even told me he is glad that we didn't make the "mistake of NC". Maybe we're different, I don't know...

[valavoo]

Yes, it's hard, very very hard. I had to fight on a lot of days and I still do sometimes. Maybe it was "easier" for me because he always contacted me and told me he missed me when I tried to apply NC for a few days.

What was very important in my situation is the fact that he cheated on me and fell in love with another woman. While I could easily hate him for that (I really understand how people could do that) I TRIED to understand and forgive him quite soon. We had hours and days and weeks of talking and discussing our situation which probably made it easier. While I still think that he made a terrible mistake and risked to destroy such a great relationship I now understand the reasons and how it could get so bad. It could have been me, I guess.

 

It's not easy but it always felt "wrong" for me to go full-NC. Since we are both "Internet-people" we even talked about the different "Ex-Back"-Websites yesterday. He even told me he is glad that we didn't make the "mistake of NC". Maybe we're different, I don't know...

 

 

Indeed, it's impossible to know what the real correct decision is.

[Ames34]

Yes, it's hard, very very hard. I had to fight on a lot of days and I still do sometimes. Maybe it was "easier" for me because he always contacted me and told me he missed me when I tried to apply NC for a few days.

What was very important in my situation is the fact that he cheated on me and fell in love with another woman. While I could easily hate him for that (I really understand how people could do that) I TRIED to understand and forgive him quite soon. We had hours and days and weeks of talking and discussing our situation which probably made it easier. While I still think that he made a terrible mistake and risked to destroy such a great relationship I now understand the reasons and how it could get so bad. It could have been me, I guess.

 

It's not easy but it always felt "wrong" for me to go full-NC. Since we are both "Internet-people" we even talked about the different "Ex-Back"-Websites yesterday. He even told me he is glad that we didn't make the "mistake of NC". Maybe we're different, I don't know...

 

Thani,

 

Can I ask, how long was your break up? Did you guys just act like friends and talk about non relationship things? And who was the first person to bring up the relationship and issues?