Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[valavoo]

Valavoo - I want you to be the first to know because you're the one person who regularly responds to my posts.

 

I just got off the phone with my ex. We talked for more than an hour. It really is done. The whole time I was pining over her these 2+ months, she was having the time of her life. We were both very transparent. I told her that I've been having a hard time getting over her and she told me what she has been up to since the break-up. In the beginning, I told her that I was afraid that we're going to be strangers with each other. She said we already were strangers (a lot can happen in 2 months). By the end of the conversation, she was right. That's how I felt. We were strangers. She was always this introvert person who had limited friends and now she's been going out with lots of friends and getting drunk (she never got drunk in the last 3 years we were together). A big thing she revealed to me was she realized, she is bisexual (this is a shock to me because I never saw her being with a guy, she always thought she was a lesbian and it took 23 years for her to realized that she doesn't mind being with guys). She said she first realized this 2 months before we broke up. It's not like she was inlove with a guy, but when she was talking to a girl in class and when that girl teased her about some guy in class, her mind said "Ugh, no, I'm in a relationship" and she began questioning why the thought of "eww no, he's a guy" never came to her mind.

 

Anyway, she was really wishing me luck in trying to get over her. A weird thing that happened was that she still wanted to keep my family (and me, but we were never going to delete each other anyway) on her social media. She insisted on keeping them and her voice was sad. I don't know why but I don't want to dwell on that as hope. She was really clearly happier and over me.

 

It was good to catch up, I learned more about her life again. She's very open to talking to me if I need her or even being friends in the future. I was right all along, they never come back. I'm not the type of person an ex goes back to.

 

Wait! Don't talk about yourself like that. Do not think you are not the type of person people "never come back to". You must not talk about yourself in this negative way, because someone coming back to you or not has nothing to do with your self worth. You are a human worthy of love despite exes coming back to you or not. However, I am really sorry that was the conclusion to the conversation. Will this be closure for you, then? Did you really feel like you were strangers? What support can we give you here on this forum?

 

Side note - dang you got me paranoid now DX

[mandeelove]

hey mandeelove,

Thanks for sharing, its really nice to have that insight. Can I ask why you broke up?

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago but I didn't do any begging or crying. He offered friendship and mentioned maybe being together in the future. Since then we have been on contact almost every day. My hope I that he will see I have respected his needs, so in the future when he thinks about me he may think of reconnecting We broke up because we were fighting alot and it really came down to incompatibility. However I felt we both could grow together and fix the issues but he didnt. We were very in love though so that was the hardest. He would always come back but eventually our issues would resurface because he wasnt into forgetting the past and starting on a clean slate. I totally was.

 

I think yours sounds promising bcuz u guys are civil and friends stikk. It doesnt sound like u r fighting which is good! Just always have clear communication and stay mature. I just wish I did it differently but u live and learn. I def had my meltdowns and he saw it lol which turned him away...Good luck !!!

[valavoo]

Hey! We broke up because we were fighting alot and it really came down to incompatibility. However I felt we both could grow together and fix the issues but he didnt. We were very in love though so that was the hardest. He would always come back but eventually our issues would resurface because he wasnt into forgetting the past and starting on a clean slate. I totally was.

 

I think yours sounds promising bcuz u guys are civil and friends stikk. It doesnt sound like u r fighting which is good! Just always have clear communication and stay mature. I just wish I did it differently but u live and learn. I def had my meltdowns and he saw it lol which turned him away...Good luck !!!

 

So, you said your ex missed you the entire time? Was there any indication of that to you while you were apart? I'm having trouble deciding if I think my ex misses me or not. Rough.

[Disenchanted]

Wait! Don't talk about yourself like that. Do not think you are not the type of person people "never come back to". You must not talk about yourself in this negative way, because someone coming back to you or not has nothing to do with your self worth. You are a human worthy of love despite exes coming back to you or not. However, I am really sorry that was the conclusion to the conversation. Will this be closure for you, then? Did you really feel like you were strangers? What support can we give you here on this forum?

 

Side note - dang you got me paranoid now DX

 

Sorry to get you paranoid!

 

I just spoke to my cousin and she brought up something that I didn't really mention. The whole bi thing - she mentioned that she's not attracted to guys and was uncomfortable being intimate with them. BUT she said she started thinking that she actually didn't mind being with them. My cousin said that didn't make sense and that my ex is just confused. You're not automatically a certain sexual orientation just because you "don't mind being with them" but you're not really attracted to them. I know this is a hard thing to understand.

 

Yes I felt like we were strangers. I didn't know she was doing all these uncharacteristic things while I was crying about her. We really drifted, she's a different person now even after just 2 months! I thought about marriage with her more after the break-up than during our relationship. That's how far my imagination took me to cope with the break-up. It's what kept me going that the possibility was there, but it really wasn't.

 

Anyone have any idea why she didn't want to block/delete my family off her social media?

[valavoo]

Sorry to get you paranoid!

 

I just spoke to my cousin and she brought up something that I didn't really mention. The whole bi thing - she mentioned that she's not attracted to guys and was uncomfortable being intimate with them. BUT she said she started thinking that she actually didn't mind being with them. My cousin said that didn't make sense and that my ex is just confused. You're not automatically a certain sexual orientation just because you "don't mind being with them" but you're not really attracted to them. I know this is a hard thing to understand.

 

Yes I felt like we were strangers. I didn't know she was doing all these uncharacteristic things while I was crying about her. We really drifted, she's a different person now even after just 2 months! I thought about marriage with her more after the break-up than during our relationship. That's how far my imagination took me to cope with the break-up. It's what kept me going that the possibility was there, but it really wasn't.

 

Anyone have any idea why she didn't want to block/delete my family off her social media?

 

I will be able to respond more coherently to this tomorrow. I am suuuuper tired.

[Ames34]

Hey! We broke up because we were fighting alot and it really came down to incompatibility. However I felt we both could grow together and fix the issues but he didnt. We were very in love though so that was the hardest. He would always come back but eventually our issues would resurface because he wasnt into forgetting the past and starting on a clean slate. I totally was.

 

I think yours sounds promising bcuz u guys are civil and friends stikk. It doesnt sound like u r fighting which is good! Just always have clear communication and stay mature. I just wish I did it differently but u live and learn. I def had my meltdowns and he saw it lol which turned him away...Good luck !!!

 

Oh sorry to hear that. Did you get a chance to tell him that you felt the issues were workable? I feel like if the love is really deep and real, there should be some desire in both sides to want to work through anyway that may come up, you know?

 

Like valavoo I'd also like to know if he gave any indication that he missed you during the break up?

 

It's nice to hear that mine sounds promising. We never fought, even during the relationship. We loved to laugh and always had fun together. We had a few disagreements, but never raised voices or anything. The reason he gave for breaking up was too much "arguing and upsetting each other". So... yeah, confusing to say the least haha. I don't know if I will ever really know the true reason, but I have to let it go I think.

[mandeelove]

Oh sorry to hear that. Did you get a chance to tell him that you felt the issues were workable? I feel like if the love is really deep and real, there should be some desire in both sides to want to work through anyway that may come up, you know?

 

Like valavoo I'd also like to know if he gave any indication that he missed you during the break up?

 

It's nice to hear that mine sounds promising. We never fought, even during the relationship. We loved to laugh and always had fun together. We had a few disagreements, but never raised voices or anything. The reason he gave for breaking up was too much "arguing and upsetting each other". So... yeah, confusing to say the least haha. I don't know if I will ever really know the true reason, but I have to let it go I think.

How long were you together? Is the bond really deep?

 

We went NC for 6 months. There was no indicator that he missed me. He even blocked me on his phone and social media. I reached out once or twice and he ignored me. So I was def hopeless and just moved on. Then out of nowhere he gave me an email reminiscing on us... And said he thought of me often...wanted to reach out but backed out. He also passed my house many times which he revealed. We live close by but still! I was shocked. Thought he hated me at that point. So i guess u can never tell . You have to just believe in what u had sometimes that its strong enough to make them remember. After he came back we spoke for 2 months straight. He gave me all signals he wanted us but when I approached him on it he said he didnt think he could trust that we'd be good long term. He felt old issues would come up. Then he exited my life again and NC from there.

 

Yeah Im surprised that u never fought but he said thats why he broke up.. Did you sense anything feeling off? Was it out of nowhere? Breakups are hard. I do feel if they return u kind of have to lay it out there and make sure they want it bcuz exes play games sometimes. My ex was back and forth for over a year and still didnt know what he wanted.

[Ames34]

How long were you together? Is the bond really deep?

 

We went NC for 6 months. There was no indicator that he missed me. He even blocked me on his phone and social media. I reached out once or twice and he ignored me. So I was def hopeless and just moved on. Then out of nowhere he gave me an email reminiscing on us... And said he thought of me often...wanted to reach out but backed out. He also passed my house many times which he revealed. We live close by but still! I was shocked. Thought he hated me at that point. So i guess u can never tell . You have to just believe in what u had sometimes that its strong enough to make them remember. After he came back we spoke for 2 months straight. He gave me all signals he wanted us but when I approached him on it he said he didnt think he could trust that we'd be good long term. He felt old issues would come up. Then he exited my life again and NC from there.

 

Yeah Im surprised that u never fought but he said thats why he broke up.. Did you sense anything feeling off? Was it out of nowhere? Breakups are hard. I do feel if they return u kind of have to lay it out there and make sure they want it bcuz exes play games sometimes. My ex was back and forth for over a year and still didnt know what he wanted.

 

That's so interesting that he never knew he missed you. I think if there was lovery they will always think about us no matter how things ended.

We were together for 2.5 years. We clicked instantly, I've never felt so comfortable being myself around someone in my life. We discussed having a relationship for quite a long time before we became official, as we have both had long term relationships in the past, and we didn't want to get in to something that wasn't going to be real and long term.

Our relationship was fun and we made each other laugh every single day. We have the same dreams, goals and morals. I got along with his friends perfectly and they loved us as a couple. He would always talk about buying a house together and the future, he even offered for me to move in with him a few times when I was hard up for somewhere to live.

The weeks before the break up were amazing. We were going out having fun, spending time with his friends, staying in watching movies. Physical side of things was still amazing as always. I was totally blindsided by the break up..

Not sure if you've read my other posts, but 2 months before hand my ex went through some highly stressful work and family situations, and as a result was diagnosed with anxiety/ depression and prescribed meds. The break up happened 6 to 7 weeks after he started the meds, about the time the typically kick in. Hence why I have given him the chance to stay friend etc...

 

Yours just goes to show that you never know what someone is thinking. I am afraid that even if my ex wanted to come back, he may be too proud and stubborn to admit he made a mistake. . What did you do during the NC? And who knows, maybe in another 6 months he will feel differentry? 6 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, even though it feels that way when you're in it. I have made a lot of changes and have many more to make, so hopefully I will have the best chance to sow him things can be better.

[mandeelove]

That's so interesting that he never knew he missed you. I think if there was lovery they will always think about us no matter how things ended.

We were together for 2.5 years. We clicked instantly, I've never felt so comfortable being myself around someone in my life. We discussed having a relationship for quite a long time before we became official, as we have both had long term relationships in the past, and we didn't want to get in to something that wasn't going to be real and long term.

Our relationship was fun and we made each other laugh every single day. We have the same dreams, goals and morals. I got along with his friends perfectly and they loved us as a couple. He would always talk about buying a house together and the future, he even offered for me to move in with him a few times when I was hard up for somewhere to live.

The weeks before the break up were amazing. We were going out having fun, spending time with his friends, staying in watching movies. Physical side of things was still amazing as always. I was totally blindsided by the break up..

Not sure if you've read my other posts, but 2 months before hand my ex went through some highly stressful work and family situations, and as a result was diagnosed with anxiety/ depression and prescribed meds. The break up happened 6 to 7 weeks after he started the meds, about the time the typically kick in. Hence why I have given him the chance to stay friend etc...

 

Yours just goes to show that you never know what someone is thinking. I am afraid that even if my ex wanted to come back, he may be too proud and stubborn to admit he made a mistake. . What did you do during the NC? And who knows, maybe in another 6 months he will feel differentry? 6 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, even though it feels that way when you're in it. I have made a lot of changes and have many more to make, so hopefully I will have the best chance to sow him things can be better.

Wow your relationship seemed great honestly! I am going to read your posts. Sorry I didnt get to read the full story but thanks for explaining. I can see why you feel this way. Nothing bad even happened.

 

Well the crazy twist in my story is 3 months after the breakup I met someone. My ex clearly told me to move on so when he came back I was with this new guy. He never used that as an excuse or got mad , but I do feel he was trying to mess it up . Maybe an ego thing but having a new guy and all didnt even make him realize what he had. We never hung out but talked and he always wanted to be extra caring. Again, Idk if it was bcuz I had someone or not. I was even confused for a minute bcuz I still loved him deep down but had a new thing. After all that he left again. Oh and during our reconnection he was talking about dates he went on etc. It got awkward. He even said he loved me but logically we dont match.

 

I think you have a good shot bcuz the breakup is external. He has depression and people with that can push their loved ones away. It wasnt you at all..

Maybe he doesnt want u seeing him like that. I think if you stay friends and be there for him it can happen. Do u see a future with him? During nc u should def put you first. Dont be down...just try to keep moving. That was my mistake. I showed him too much neediness. I showed him he was important.

[valavoo]

Wow your relationship seemed great honestly! I am going to read your posts. Sorry I didnt get to read the full story but thanks for explaining. I can see why you feel this way. Nothing bad even happened.

 

Well the crazy twist in my story is 3 months after the breakup I met someone. My ex clearly told me to move on so when he came back I was with this new guy. He never used that as an excuse or got mad , but I do feel he was trying to mess it up . Maybe an ego thing but having a new guy and all didnt even make him realize what he had. We never hung out but talked and he always wanted to be extra caring. Again, Idk if it was bcuz I had someone or not. I was even confused for a minute bcuz I still loved him deep down but had a new thing. After all that he left again. Oh and during our reconnection he was talking about dates he went on etc. It got awkward. He even said he loved me but logically we dont match.

 

I think you have a good shot bcuz the breakup is external. He has depression and people with that can push their loved ones away. It wasnt you at all..

Maybe he doesnt want u seeing him like that. I think if you stay friends and be there for him it can happen. Do u see a future with him? During nc u should def put you first. Dont be down...just try to keep moving. That was my mistake. I showed him too much neediness. I showed him he was important.

 

Oh this is making me so unbearably sad and worried T_T I truly wish my situation was as hopeful sounding as yours was, Ames. I wasn't able to convey my closeness with my ex on this forum but we were close .Really close.

[Ames34]

Honestly I don't think my situation has any better or worse chance than anyone else here. If I've learnt anything from spending hours and hours reading through all these posts, it's that nothing is predictable. We really have no idea what these people could really be thinking. For all I know, maybe my ex was never honest with me and never intended to stay with me forever, maybe for him I'm not the "one", and these events were just a catalyst for him to leave. On the other hand, people who cheat on each other get back together all the time.

Don't panic just because of what happening to someone else, because we are all different. And don't assume you know anything!

Valavoo - you've given some fantastic advice to others in this forum, and you know what you need to do, and you are strong! Feel the pain of the low days and don't be afraid of it. Embrace it and then let it go. If you're having trouble sleeping, there are some really beautiful tracks available on youtube, I use them most nights. Just search for words like: meditation, sleep, rain, music. It might help

 

Mandeelove thanks for reading! I guess the fact that you met someone else does complicate things a bit.. if he made a point of telling you he had been dating then that sort of tells me he wanted you to know to see how you'd react... and he's telling you he loves you but logically you don't work together....but he didn't even give it another real try? That must be so frustrating

 

It's funny you ask, I definitely see a future with him. The week before the break up I realised finally that I do want marriage, kids and a home with someone (I hadn't been sure about these things before). So yes, I'd love to have those things with him, and I'd more than happily do what it takes to be there for him, mental/ emotional scars and all. One day I'll make sure he knows this, but right now this time is about me, and getting back to who I was when we met!

[valavoo]

You guys, I'm in need of emotional support today. It's all such a nightmare. Nothing new happened I'm just...upset.

 

 

I realized that he goes back to school in about a month (so do I but I'm going to grad school while he has one more year in college) and I'm really worried what that could mean for my chances. Will he miss the routine we had? Will he 100% forget about me because he is busy with classes? Will the friends he got really close to keep him away from any prospect of speaking to me? I dunno what will happen and today that fear is paralyzingly me.

[vesper]

You guys, I'm in need of emotional support today. It's all such a nightmare. Nothing new happened I'm just...upset.

 

 

I realized that he goes back to school in about a month (so do I but I'm going to grad school while he has one more year in college) and I'm really worried what that could mean for my chances. Will he miss the routine we had? Will he 100% forget about me because he is busy with classes? Will the friends he got really close to keep him away from any prospect of speaking to me? I dunno what will happen and today that fear is paralyzingly me.

 

Stay with it Valavoo. You are just going to have to take a break from thinking about your ex and do something for you. Do not get caught up in the what ifs.

 

IM just wondering if my ex saw the messages I posted on twitter. I know I shouldn't contact him but its hard.

[valavoo]

Stay with it Valavoo. You are just going to have to take a break from thinking about your ex and do something for you. Do not get caught up in the what ifs.

 

IM just wondering if my ex saw the messages I posted on twitter. I know I shouldn't contact him but its hard.

 

Do you also have a situation you need support with? We have quite a little group growing here if you want in, haha. The password is: Love is Freakishly Complicated

 

I will try my best to do things for myself. I have a LOT going on for me in life right now and it's not all too positive so I am dealing with a ton at once.

[vesper]

Do you also have a situation you need support with? We have quite a little group growing here if you want in, haha. The password is: Love is Freakishly Complicated

 

I will try my best to do things for myself. I have a LOT going on for me in life right now and it's not all too positive so I am dealing with a ton at once.

 

YES! I want in!!!!!

 

 

I am with someone but my ex has popped back in my life. Don't know what to do.

[valavoo]

YES! I want in!!!!!

 

 

I am with someone but my ex has popped back in my life. Don't know what to do.

 

Uh oh. That sounds complicated. You're the one who is married right? Do you...still love your ex?

[vesper]

Uh oh. That sounds complicated. You're the one who is married right? Do you...still love your ex?

 

Yes, I am the one who is married. I honestly dont know how I feel about my ex its just a bunch of unsorted feelings that I feel for him. Anger, love, saddness, longing, excitement, fear, wonder. Just a lot to go through when I thought I was done with him, but obviously not

 

 

I know I am not the most popular person on this forum, i have caused a lot of drama here so I guess you still decided to talk to me despite that. You are a great person, thank you for letting me post on your thread.

[valavoo]

Yes, I am the one who is married. I honestly dont know how I feel about my ex its just a bunch of unsorted feelings that I feel for him. Anger, love, saddness, longing, excitement, fear, wonder. Just a lot to go through when I thought I was done with him, but obviously not

 

 

I know I am not the most popular person on this forum, i have caused a lot of drama here so I guess you still decided to talk to me despite that. You are a great person, thank you for letting me post on your thread.

 

Being nice is something I pride myself on. I do it for selfish reasons sometimes, to be honest. I just don't ever want someone else to feel the way I've felt about myself for years, so if there's something I can do to brighten up someone's day even the teeniest amount, I would be happy to do it. Plus, I haven't seen any of this drama you're talking about anyway LOL.

 

About your situation - I just read the post about your husband, and I think that there might be a small issue of you having something you're unhappy with your husband doing (The smoking) and then looking to your ex for potential relief. It sounds like it's way down deep in you, but it's there. I think you should, for the sake of your marriage (if you're has happy as you said you were in it), back off of your ex. Marriage is intended to be forever, and I want to see that success for you.

[vesper]

Marriage is intended to be forever, and I want to see that success for you.

 

I agree. So no more talking about the ex for me. I do intend to make my marriage work.

[mandeelove]

Yes, I am the one who is married. I honestly dont know how I feel about my ex its just a bunch of unsorted feelings that I feel for him. Anger, love, saddness, longing, excitement, fear, wonder. Just a lot to go through when I thought I was done with him, but obviously not

 

 

I know I am not the most popular person on this forum, i have caused a lot of drama here so I guess you still decided to talk to me despite that. You are a great person, thank you for letting me post on your thread. ! This is whats happening to me. Well I have a bf of 15 months and still care about my ex and dont know why. So i wonder if its bcuz my new guy isnt as nice as my ex or I just love the ex...idk! Either way hes been out of my life for over a year. Id like to read about ur situation .

[mandeelove]

Not that I want him ..its just I want to see who his new gf is. Idk why i care.... i wonder about him.

[vesper]

Mandeelove, Here is the story: Valavoo, here is my original thread that i posted about my ex.

 

 

I really do not want to talk about him anymore, If you want any information just PM me! thanxs

 

 

 

xxx

vesper

 

[valavoo]

Thanks for being vulnerable with us, Vesper.

 

 

Also! I would love to see more things that are on topic as well Xd

[vesper]

How long have you been broken up with your ex valavoo????

[valavoo]

How long have you been broken up with your ex valavoo????

 

Since May 5th. So almost 3 months.