Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

[eidetic]

((((HUGS)))) Thank you -- I totally love this thread, thanks for hosting it!

[valavoo]

((((HUGS)))) Thank you -- I totally love this thread, thanks for hosting it!

 

Do you ever think the "dumper" waits for the "dumpee" to contact?

[Ames34]

Wow eidetic that's a fabulous post... going to bookmark this one. I think it really ties in to the whole idea as well that if both parties are doing 'NC', then they may both be thinking "if my ex really wanted me, he/she would reach out." So regardless of who 'should' make the moves, if no one does anything, then everyone loses! (Love your ship analogy! )

[valavoo]

Wow eidetic that's a fabulous post... going to bookmark this one. I think it really ties in to the whole idea as well that if both parties are doing 'NC', then they may both be thinking "if my ex really wanted me, he/she would reach out." So regardless of who 'should' make the moves, if no one does anything, then everyone loses! (Love your ship analogy! )

 

Eidetic has basically saved my life with their posts. You should read everything they said on my main.

[Ames34]

I'm reading through your main thread again , even though I've read most of it already haha, it's still helpful. I struggle sometimes to remember my values and decisions through this process, so the reminders are nice.

I have to say that your attitude and approach has changed dramatically since you first started posting, so even though you are feeling down, please know that it really seems like you've made progress within yourself

[valavoo]

I'm reading through your main thread again , even though I've read most of it already haha, it's still helpful. I struggle sometimes to remember my values and decisions through this process, so the reminders are nice.

I have to say that your attitude and approach has changed dramatically since you first started posting, so even though you are feeling down, please know that it really seems like you've made progress within yourself

 

It has? o.o and here I was thinking I wasn't moving forward and making good decisions at all. I will acknowledge that I have stayed strong in my own decisions.

[Ames34]

Yeah totally you have! I mean, at least from my perspective it looks that way, I can only base my opinions on what you write

You have stayed really strong in your decision to reject the nc theory, which I think is tought to do. And you were super strong when everyone was telling you that you were delusional! It's crazy how cruel people can be when you are clearly going through something so tough.

The strength you have in just deciding to try to let things happen naturally and not to force or play mind games, but sort of leave things up to fate in a sense, that's extremely hard to do.

Also thanks for all your advice just chatting to you and knowing we are following similar paths has helped me immensely.

[Disenchanted]

I might be off topic or off the mark with this next but -- consider a different angle. In a very basic masculine/feminine construct, and maybe depending on culture of origin, the "she" in a relationship dynamic is conventionally either expected or trained to be the receiver or the one who selects yes or no when approached. Conventionally the "he" is the one to make the approach/proposition. The "she" can give cues and sometimes very bold ones, that she's interested and available to approach -- but primitively it's still expected on some level that if a "he" is interested and wants her company, he's going to make the moves. Sometimes without waiting for cues. This is either decisive or just aggressive, depending on your filter. And of course now with contemporary and fluid gender roles and dynamics, maybe that primitive convention is outdated and less often adhered to, but some vestiges of those expectations and/or native impulses or roles remain.

 

For sure today the roles can be completely inverted. If your "she" is the more masculine and direct, or typically the leader of the relationship interaction, ok. If the "he" of your relationship is more a passive or somewhat introverted (different strengths) type of masculine, and more a recipient or typically reticent/indirect in the relationship, ok. You may find that a direct person will continue to be direct even after breakup, or that a typically indirect/reticent person will continue to be reticent. You may also find that the directness you thought you could count on is suddenly altogether gone, or that the typically non assertive person will suddenly assert itself most passionately. It's always kind of a toss up.

 

But one thing to keep in mind is that as we endure the strangeness of breakup or separations, many times we are also thinking on some level what it means to be a proper masculine or feminine. And those old conventions may come into play as we consider how to navigate or express or even experience our pain. A "she" may find that in order to feel like the "she" that she is -- direct or not -- she needs the "he" to behave in a traditional masculine way: by approaching her of his own volition, decisively and possibly without cues. And a "he" may find that in order to feel fully the "he" that he is -- assertive or not -- he needs the "she" to wait for him to approach, and then for her to be receptive and open to his proposition (or apology or whatever).

 

Just food for thought. Gender roles and conventions aren't nailed down anymore, so it's true enough that we each are fluid in our expressions of what used to be more clearly "masculine" or "feminine" qualities. Also that our expressions of both may change significantly depending on who we interact with and how their "M" or "F" show up. But I feel concerned sometimes when it looks like men expect women to be assertive to close a relationship gap, or when women are annoyed or put off when men make what are reasonably traditional masculine relationship gestures. Those traditional ways have been around a long time, and are possibly inborn, even if today they are all up for question and changing.

 

If we take all the gender out of it and consider ourselves only souls, the question is then really, "Who is going to lead this relationship right now?" Then it's imperative to remember that a ship is only going to drift, if no one takes the helm.

 

We're both "she". It's really hard to have masculine and feminine dynamics on my situation. I'm not going by any angle except for the fact that I reached out to my ex last weekend after 8 weeks and while it was a 2 hour text exchange, it was platonic. We haven't spoken since. I put myself out there and while she responded a lot, nothing good came from it.

 

Sorry if I sound cranky. After 2 months, you would think I would be far along my journey of recovering but lately, I've been feeling the lowest of the low. The sadness is unbearable. I broke down twice today - almost 9 weeks after break-up!

[valavoo]

We're both "she". It's really hard to have masculine and feminine dynamics on my situation. I'm not going by any angle except for the fact that I reached out to my ex last weekend after 8 weeks and while it was a 2 hour text exchange, it was platonic. We haven't spoken since. I put myself out there and while she responded a lot, nothing good came from it.

 

Sorry if I sound cranky. After 2 months, you would think I would be far along my journey of recovering but lately, I've been feeling the lowest of the low. The sadness is unbearable. I broke down twice today - almost 9 weeks after break-up!

 

If you look at the majority of the reconciliation stories on here, they took more than 2 months. They took anywhere from like 3 months to over a year. The breakdowns might continue (I still have them too) and it does hurt, but you gotta decide each day what you can handle THAT DAY and do it. As for hope or not hope, I really advise you to think for a little bit without the influence of us forum people and decide what YOU want to do. ;v; I believe in you. And also apologies for forgetting the gender dynamic in your relationship! Also do not hate yourself for not being fully recovered. 2 months is not a long time.

[valavoo]

Yeah totally you have! I mean, at least from my perspective it looks that way, I can only base my opinions on what you write

You have stayed really strong in your decision to reject the nc theory, which I think is tought to do. And you were super strong when everyone was telling you that you were delusional! It's crazy how cruel people can be when you are clearly going through something so tough.

The strength you have in just deciding to try to let things happen naturally and not to force or play mind games, but sort of leave things up to fate in a sense, that's extremely hard to do.

Also thanks for all your advice just chatting to you and knowing we are following similar paths has helped me immensely.

 

Holy goodness, so nice ;v; . I admit I almost left when people were calling me delusional. For all the heartbreak that happened...I've tried to keep a level head. Let me tell you though, for both you AND I, we are not choosing the easy route. Not that any option is easy, but 100% NC would have let us imagine a potential reconciliation, perhaps, and be able to live a separate life. The only news would be good news. However you and I have chosen to leave communication channels open. That means we will see every little thing and overthink it and take longer to be indifferent (if ever. I know that I'll never be indifferent toward mine). Sometimes before reconciliation comes another relationship. That is gonna hurt if it happens. That's why it's so so important to stick to your guns and have your faith - aggressively. I have some excercises I'm trying to do if you want them.

[Disenchanted]

If you look at the majority of the reconciliation stories on here, they took more than 2 months. They took anywhere from like 3 months to over a year. The breakdowns might continue (I still have them too) and it does hurt, but you gotta decide each day what you can handle THAT DAY and do it. As for hope or not hope, I really advise you to think for a little bit without the influence of us forum people and decide what YOU want to do. ;v; I believe in you. And also apologies for forgetting the gender dynamic in your relationship! Also do not hate yourself for not being fully recovered. 2 months is not a long time.

 

Thank you for this! Valavoo, you're very sweet.

This is my 4th break-up and they don't come back. I'm the type of person that someone leaves and never looks back. One ex came back but it was only to apologize for what I went through during the break-up. I don't know, maybe I don't possess that thing that people want "forever".

[valavoo]

Thank you for this! Valavoo, you're very sweet.

This is my 4th break-up and they don't come back. I'm the type of person that someone leaves and never looks back. One ex came back but it was only to apologize for what I went through during the break-up. I don't know, maybe I don't possess that thing that people want "forever".

 

May I ask a question? Do you really deep in your heart, want her back and want things to work again? In a perfect world - not dependent on statistics. I ask so I can make a hopefully non asinine suggestion.

[Ames34]

Holy goodness, so nice ;v; . I admit I almost left when people were calling me delusional. For all the heartbreak that happened...I've tried to keep a level head. Let me tell you though, for both you AND I, we are not choosing the easy route. Not that any option is easy, but 100% NC would have let us imagine a potential reconciliation, perhaps, and be able to live a separate life. The only news would be good news. However you and I have chosen to leave communication channels open. That means we will see every little thing and overthink it and take longer to be indifferent (if ever. I know that I'll never be indifferent toward mine). Sometimes before reconciliation comes another relationship. That is gonna hurt if it happens. That's why it's so so important to stick to your guns and have your faith - aggressively. I have some excercises I'm trying to do if you want them.

 

You're right we are definitely not choosing the easy route. Even knowing that if things aren't going the way we imagine and they meet someone new. We only have ourselves to blame because we have chosen to be in the friendship. I guess its the balance between keeping the communication and staying open for good things, while still preparing for the worst. I feel like two different people some days haha.. and you're right too when you say that there could be a relationship in between, as far as I've seen its very common. At times I have the awful thought (hope?) that he may not meet someone like me, or someone that will appreciate him as much as I do, but at the same time I do want him to be happy.

Yeah I'd love to know about the exercises of that's okay, sounds really helpful. I have a self esteem work book that I'll be working through. Sounds a bit silly but who knows it may help

[Disenchanted]

May I ask a question? Do you really deep in your heart, want her back and want things to work again? In a perfect world - not dependent on statistics. I ask so I can make a hopefully non asinine suggestion.

 

Yes I do. I miss her like crazy.

[valavoo]

You're right we are definitely not choosing the easy route. Even knowing that if things aren't going the way we imagine and they meet someone new. We only have ourselves to blame because we have chosen to be in the friendship. I guess its the balance between keeping the communication and staying open for good things, while still preparing for the worst. I feel like two different people some days haha.. and you're right too when you say that there could be a relationship in between, as far as I've seen its very common. At times I have the awful thought (hope?) that he may not meet someone like me, or someone that will appreciate him as much as I do, but at the same time I do want him to be happy.

Yeah I'd love to know about the exercises of that's okay, sounds really helpful. I have a self esteem work book that I'll be working through. Sounds a bit silly but who knows it may help

 

You could try to be "friendly, not friends". You're in more contact with yours than I am with mine. BUT, the exercises. I actually strongly suggest you work on self esteem separately from wanting your ex back. I've had clinical depression and anxiety since junior high and am still trying to deal with it. Not because of my ex (though for a while I thought I HAD to get a hold on my depression to have a successful relationship. I refuse to pretend to be someone I'm not just to woo another human being, haha. I suggest keeping a journal/collection of things you want to show your ex, be it YouTube videos, memories, recipes, cool projects...whatever! I have a secret playlist of YouTube videos that I want to show him because that's what we used to do together. It helps me not miss him so much.

[valavoo]

Yes I do. I miss her like crazy.

 

Okay. Now, how long can you hold out hope? I ask this because I am a firm believer

 

Friend, you CAN move forward (notice I say move FORWARD, not move ON) and still want your ex back. I had to learn this one but I promise you it can be done. Take the attitude I posted for Ames34. Fill your life with cool stuff so that you have things to tell her when you get back together. let these things be your hope and your ticket for coping and if you want, your way to move "on". Again, I believe in you and all of us that we will get out of this really dark place.

[Disenchanted]

Valavoo - Thanks for the encouragement. I'm slowly falling apart and I don't know how long I can hold out to hope. But, it's not like no-hope is an option that I have at the moment. Both just causes so much sadness.

 

I just called my ex. I don't know why I did, but I did. I think I was going to ask her if she's open to meeting up in September. She didn't pick up. Typical. She is not one of those people who constantly have their phones with them at all times. So I guess it's just a waiting game now of whether she will call back, text back or not at all.

 

I'm going to try to move forward, I will. Today was a tough day. I don't know why but I broke down 3-4 times. This not normal for me. I broke down that much maybe in the first week? But not since then and it's been 9 weeks.

[mandeelove]

I used to look at these threads too when i first lost my bf in feb 2016. I was the dumpee. I never went nc . 6 months was the longest. He came back alot to be honest but we never got back. It was all mixed signals. Idk what makes them come back or not but i can say this as being the dumpee.....how u carry yourself is a big factor in it. If you explode or break down it pushes them far. It makes them have a big ego. If u handle it with grace it seems they want to come back and persue it. (If thats what u want) so nc really helps and talking to them diplomatically. I always fought with my ex when he came back or I cried. The break up period tarnished our relationship more than the actual relationship. If i didnt handle it so poorly i would have him here 100 percent. So whether ur ex returns or not, id say be your best version of you and you win either way.

[mandeelove]

Oh and my thoughts were very negative. In nc i obsessed over him and if he found a new gf. But really u need to think positive. Its scary ...to not know where they are etc but what i learned is they do think of us. My ex said he thought of me everyday despite our bad blood at the time. They just wont show it...

[Ames34]

You could try to be "friendly, not friends". You're in more contact with yours than I am with mine. BUT, the exercises. I actually strongly suggest you work on self esteem separately from wanting your ex back. I've had clinical depression and anxiety since junior high and am still trying to deal with it. Not because of my ex (though for a while I thought I HAD to get a hold on my depression to have a successful relationship. I refuse to pretend to be someone I'm not just to woo another human being, haha. I suggest keeping a journal/collection of things you want to show your ex, be it YouTube videos, memories, recipes, cool projects...whatever! I have a secret playlist of YouTube videos that I want to show him because that's what we used to do together. It helps me not miss him so much.

 

That's another thing I'm nervous about.. he reached out to me three times this week and I didn't acknowledge him.. (not sure why). I hope I haven't put him off from contacting me.

But yes I will be working on my self esteem for myself. I'm in counselling, got my first car, new hair colour, new clothes etc etc. And the self esteem exercises.

Good on you for battling anxiety / depression through all of this. I couldn't imagine all of that at once myself. (Which is what my ex is going through I guess).

I like the idea of collecting links and things, I've saved a few, and I've also made a habit of writing things down that I want to say to him and keeping them in a note on my phone. That way when I go back and read them I can see that I have grown emotionally since I wrote it, and that sending it would have been a mistake. Helps to keep things in perspective too.

 

It's his friends wife's birthday today and I sent her a nice message. Her and I grew very close over the years, but I don't expect to see her again to be honest. She was really happy to get my message, so I feel better about that. I miss his friends a lot and it makes me sad I may not spend time with them again. She told me she hopes that we work things out, so at least I know he hasn't told them anything bad about me. Not that he would

[valavoo]

Oh and my thoughts were very negative. In nc i obsessed over him and if he found a new gf. But really u need to think positive. Its scary ...to not know where they are etc but what i learned is they do think of us. My ex said he thought of me everyday despite our bad blood at the time. They just wont show it...

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you! That's so hard and I really hope you're in an okay place now? Thank you for your input as well!

[Ames34]

Idk what makes them come back or not but i can say this as being the dumpee.....how u carry yourself is a big factor in it. If you explode or break down it pushes them far. It makes them have a big ego. If u handle it with grace it seems they want to come back and persue it. (If thats what u want) so nc really helps and talking to them diplomatically. I always fought with my ex when he came back or I cried. The break up period tarnished our relationship more than the actual relationship. If i didnt handle it so poorly i would have him here 100 percent. So whether ur ex returns or not, id say be your best version of you and you win either way.

 

hey mandeelove,

Thanks for sharing, its really nice to have that insight. Can I ask why you broke up?

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago but I didn't do any begging or crying. He offered friendship and mentioned maybe being together in the future. Since then we have been on contact almost every day. My hope I that he will see I have respected his needs, so in the future when he thinks about me he may think of reconnecting

[valavoo]

hey mandeelove,

Thanks for sharing, its really nice to have that insight. Can I ask why you broke up?

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago but I didn't do any begging or crying. He offered friendship and mentioned maybe being together in the future. Since then we have been on contact almost every day. My hope I that he will see I have respected his needs, so in the future when he thinks about me he may think of reconnecting

 

What he said he may want to get back together in the future?! Friend that is AMAZING. All I got was "idk when or if I'll want to come back to the relationship." It's not a 'never' but it's harder to come back from.

[Ames34]

What he said he may want to get back together in the future?! Friend that is AMAZING. All I got was "idk when or if I'll want to come back to the relationship." It's not a 'never' but it's harder to come back from.

 

Well... he said that to me on the phone during the break up. I didn't put much stock in it though because a) he may have just been saying it out of guilt, he felt awful about dumping me and b) I know that feelings can change a lot. Maybe he did feel that way at the time, it doesn't mean he still does. We haven't had a 'proper' break up discussion really.

It's also why I felt that he was making the decision under stress / influence from meds and depression, because he did sound unsure at the time. But I could have just been hearing what I wanted to hear... who knows!

[Disenchanted]

Valavoo - I want you to be the first to know because you're the one person who regularly responds to my posts.

 

I just got off the phone with my ex. We talked for more than an hour. It really is done. The whole time I was pining over her these 2+ months, she was having the time of her life. We were both very transparent. I told her that I've been having a hard time getting over her and she told me what she has been up to since the break-up. In the beginning, I told her that I was afraid that we're going to be strangers with each other. She said we already were strangers (a lot can happen in 2 months). By the end of the conversation, she was right. That's how I felt. We were strangers. She was always this introvert person who had limited friends and now she's been going out with lots of friends and getting drunk (she never got drunk in the last 3 years we were together). A big thing she revealed to me was she realized, she is bisexual (this is a shock to me because I never saw her being with a guy, she always thought she was a lesbian and it took 23 years for her to realized that she doesn't mind being with guys). She said she first realized this 2 months before we broke up. It's not like she was inlove with a guy, but when she was talking to a girl in class and when that girl teased her about some guy in class, her mind said "Ugh, no, I'm in a relationship" and she began questioning why the thought of "eww no, he's a guy" never came to her mind.

 

Anyway, she was really wishing me luck in trying to get over her. A weird thing that happened was that she still wanted to keep my family (and me, but we were never going to delete each other anyway) on her social media. She insisted on keeping them and her voice was sad. I don't know why but I don't want to dwell on that as hope. She was really clearly happier and over me.

 

It was good to catch up, I learned more about her life again. She's very open to talking to me if I need her or even being friends in the future. I was right all along, they never come back. I'm not the type of person an ex goes back to.