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She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

cousin

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cousin Contributor

cousin

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So why were you angry? Because she didn't kiss you? You said above that you were going to take it slow. You have to remember that she has told you that she doesn't see you as "a long term romantic partner". Your title of the threads shows that you know you've been friend zoned. That is never a good situation to accept but you are putting yourself right there in the friend zone. In that case you can't really get angry when it doesn't go down the romantic path. She has made it clear a relationship isn't what she wants. If you choose to put yourself in the friend zone then accept that you are only just friends. Hard to do, of course, which is why it was suggested that you don't go there. But you will anyway so just be aware that the longer you allow this to go on far the harder it will to break away and the anger or frustration that you felt this time will be a constant negative emotion in your life. Honestly, for someone you've only known a short while it just isn't worth it. Your call though. Just be aware of where you really are. You are her "lean to" guy. The chances are she will continue to lean on you until you are replaced with someone she does feel a romantic connection with.

 

Thank you for the reply. I think I was mostly angry because she was so flirty all day. We watched the movie sitting right next to each other just like we used to. I got ahead of myself. It's my own fault.

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cousin Contributor

cousin

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You're your own worst enemy, OP.

 

She broke up with you, and now you're angry - why? You knew she didn't want a relationship, so you can't be surprised that she didn't want to kiss you goodnight. Friends don't generally do that, and that's what you are to her now: a friend.

 

You said you knew she would have a change of heart after seeing you in person. Well, that didn't happen, did it? Please, don't keep doing this to yourself.

 

Stop clinging to hope. Stop bargaining with yourself. Stop trying to convince yourself that if you see her or slow down she'll change her mind. She's in love with her ex, and you cannot change that. Especially given that this was such a short relationship. Learn to walk away when someone tells you very clearly that they don't want to continue.

 

Thank you for the message. I am trying my best to walk away. Today is the first day in a long time where I feel like that may be possible soon.

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cousin Contributor

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You're your own worst enemy, OP.

 

She broke up with you, and now you're angry - why? You knew she didn't want a relationship, so you can't be surprised that she didn't want to kiss you goodnight. Friends don't generally do that, and that's what you are to her now: a friend.

 

You said you knew she would have a change of heart after seeing you in person. Well, that didn't happen, did it? Please, don't keep doing this to yourself.

 

Stop clinging to hope. Stop bargaining with yourself. Stop trying to convince yourself that if you see her or slow down she'll change her mind. She's in love with her ex, and you cannot change that. Especially given that this was such a short relationship. Learn to walk away when someone tells you very clearly that they don't want to continue.

 

I was just kind of shocked. That is the first time we've never kissed goodnight. I kissed her on the first date which is something I rarely do. Although she did tell me she didn't want to date me a month ago, this was the first time we had seen each other in two weeks. We had barely texted in that time too. She was giving me mixed signals all day. Wanting me to rub her shoulder and her feet. I did do her shoulder, but I felt uneasy about it. When she asked me to help her undress in the changing room, I felt kind of uneasy too. When she asked me to watch a movie, which originally was going to be at a later date and not last night, I was thinking, "wow, she's making future plans like we used to." We ended up watching it last night because her female friend cancelled their original plans last minute.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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Thank you for the reply. I think I was mostly angry because she was so flirty all day. We watched the movie sitting right next to each other just like we used to. I got ahead of myself. It's my own fault.

 

Well this is the thing. The boundaries of what is and what isn't appropriate behaviour between friends who were once lovers gets blurred. Ultimately the person who ended the relationship is happy to stay friends whilst gaining some of the aspects of being in a relationship that they miss. The person being friendzoned, however, is often left confused and hurt.

 

It really is better to stay out of the friend zone because you rarely gain anything positive from it.

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cousin Contributor

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Well this is the thing. The boundaries of what is and what isn't appropriate behaviour between friends who were once lovers gets blurred. Ultimately the person who ended the relationship is happy to stay friends whilst gaining some of the aspects of being in a relationship that they miss. The person being friendzoned, however, is often left confused and hurt.

 

It really is better to stay out of the friend zone because you rarely gain anything positive from it.

 

I'm still waiting on her to tell me if she wants to try and reconcile slowly. We had agreed to hang out as friends, but I texted her this morning and told her I'm not interested in being friends for good. I told her that my intentions are to try things slow since we went sooo fast the first time. I also told her I know I was a rebound, and I did not blame her. If it does not work out, I can at least say I tried. She has her kids and church on Sundays, so she probably won't respond until later tonight.

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Krankor Rising Star

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She texted me back and said she wants to keep hanging out as friends and that we can still have fun. I told her I wasn't interested in doing that and to let me know when she changes her mind.

Excellent. Now just leave it at that. Whether she ever wants you back or not,

 

It's OK to feel sad about this. My hardest break ups have always been after something shorter term, at least in terms of intensity of pain if not duration. Here you have this new thing in your life, your brain is flooded with all those wonderful bonding hormones, you have all these future plans in your mind, maybe even thinking "I think this could be it. She may be the one!" Then bam, the rug gets pulled out from under you. It's tough. With my longer term relationships I at least saw it coming, things had been going sideways for a while, so while I've missed the woman afterwards there's also always been an element of relief.

 

So feel sad. Let it out. But also start to move on with your life in the ways I talked about. Resist the urge to text her. If you don't hear from her for a week or two don't think "oh no, she's forgetting about me. I'd better find some lame excuse to reach out to her just to remind her that I exist!" Don't do it.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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I'm glad you made your intentions clear. It's the only way of getting the same back. Better the Devil you know - as "they" say. Now you can finally start moving forwards instead of hanging on to something that wasn't going to work.

 

And as sweet as this woman is, she is still being rather selfish. It might be fun for her to hang out with you as friends and revel in some male attention when she needs it but she's failing to see how it is hurting and confusing you.

 

You have made the right choice.

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Mari Collaborator

Mari

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She texted me back and said she wants to keep hanging out as friends and that we can still have fun. I told her I wasn't interested in doing that and to let me know when she changes her mind.

 

Why did she mention "that we can still have fun"? Is that her way of saying she wants to be friends with benefits? I guess if she doesn't want a relationship then that's that. Good luck in the future, thanks for trying and leaving the door open.

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cousin Contributor

cousin

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Why did she mention "that we can still have fun"? Is that her way of saying she wants to be friends with benefits? I guess if she doesn't want a relationship then that's that. Good luck in the future, thanks for trying and leaving the door open.

 

I don't think she wants to be friends with benefits. When she broke things off, she said that she really enjoyed the sex, but she does not want to keep doing it casually. On a side note, I did a little bit of digging today, because I saw that she had posted something on another guy's Facebook page. I don't usually pry, but I was curious as to who he is. About two weeks after she and I had started hooking up, he posted a pic of his new house of Facebook. She commented, "Nice house! When do I get to see it AND you??" He didn't reply to her, but he did to other people. I wish I had seen that earlier.

 

I know I should not follow her on social media. I'm going to block her now.

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Mari Collaborator

Mari

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I don't think she wants to be friends with benefits. When she broke things off, she said that she really enjoyed the sex, but she does not want to keep doing it casually. On a side note, I did a little bit of digging today, because I saw that she had posted something on another guy's Facebook page. I don't usually pry, but I was curious as to who he is. About two weeks after she and I had started hooking up, he posted a pic of his new house of Facebook. She commented, "Nice house! When do I get to see it AND you??" He didn't reply to her, but he did to other people. I wish I had seen that earlier.

 

I know I should not follow her on social media. I'm going to block her now.

 

Thanks for responding, it seems like you've done everything at this point. You might as well start looking for someone new. As sweet as she may be, she's not ready for a relationship and I don't know how long it will take her to get ready. Sorry you had to go through with this. Good luck in the future.

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cousin Contributor

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Thanks for responding, it seems like you've done everything at this point. You might as well start looking for someone new. As sweet as she may be, she's not ready for a relationship and I don't know how long it will take her to get ready. Sorry you had to go through with this. Good luck in the future.

 

Thank you. I've already got a couple of conversations going on a dating app. It's helping.

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cousin Contributor

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He should go bang a few chicks

 

You're right. I feel like all I really miss is the sex. I can't think of any other reason to be with her. She barely has time to ever do anything because her kids are so young and she has them almost every day. Most of our encounters involved having sex. I wish she wasn't so good at it.

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