She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

[cousin]

Being angry is a stage, of course As you continue to process this experience I am hopeful you will see yourself as someone who is in control, who puts themselves in position for things to happen.

 

Yes, she was not a good choice for you. Phrases like "she did me wrong" position her as a wrong-doer and you as a victim.

 

Maybe she did what was right for her, and left it to you to look after yourself.

 

You are probably right. She gave me plenty of clues. I just refused to accept them. Very early on she said i reminded me of her husband. She said our early dates made her feel the same as when they first met (I know now that was a sign of rebounding). She had fought really hard to keep their marriage together. I kept telling myself that she will never let me go.

 

I was probably using those phrases because I was angry. Talking to you guys has helped me not be so mad. She is a good woman. Loves Jesus. I feel bad that she temporarily strayed from her values while she was with me. She didn't go to church on the Sundays when I spent the night on Saturdays. I hope she gets back on track and finds someone. She's had many guys since the divorce. I wasn't the first that she's probably strayed away from her values for.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Sometimes the sting of stuff like that is the incentive to do the right thing and start the moving forward process.

Saw her profile on Match.com just now. That really helped me realize that it's over. I deleted her number and blocked her on all social media.

[cousin]

Excellent. Sometimes the sting of stuff like that is the incentive to do the right thing and start the moving forward process.

 

Thank you. It definitely hurt. Right before I deleted her number all our pics and blocked her on social media, I sent her a text. Wished her luck. She replied a few hours later. She said, "lol, thanks We'll see!" I woke up this morning kinda angry bc in her profile, she was wearing a couple of the dresses I helped her pick out last week.

[ManyDates]

Excellent. Sometimes the sting of stuff like that is the incentive to do the right thing and start the moving forward process.

 

It stings but is mandatory to move on quickly. The alternative is burying your head in the sand, hoping, wishing and dreaming forever.

[Sportster2005]

Good - I've done the same a dozen times. If they even mention their ex, they are rebounding. Some argue with this, but do you have any reason at all, to bring up your old high school girlfriend on a first date? No, so why bring up any ex???

 

To demonstrate you had an amicable split. But it shouldn't be done soon. And you should be prompted. But for sure, a definite red flag when it's brought up early. Especially if they're slagging them. And a woman who wants a man is never going to bring up exes. If they casually start talking all the time about exes and past relationships that's your cue you're headed for the friend zone.

[ManyDates]

To demonstrate you had an amicable split. But it shouldn't be done soon. And you should be prompted. But for sure, a definite red flag when it's brought up early. Especially if they're slagging them. And a woman who wants a man is never going to bring up exes. If they casually start talking all the time about exes and past relationships that's your cue you're headed for the friend zone.

 

Its never landed me in the friend zone, they just vanish once they realize they need time to get over their ex.

[cousin]

I know now what to look for. I'll never make that mistake again.

[cousin]

It stings but is mandatory to move on quickly. The alternative is burying your head in the sand, hoping, wishing and dreaming forever.

 

I had a date just now. She is a friend of a friend. It was very sudden. She messaged me on Facebook earlier today and wanted to meet. When we met, I told her about what I just went through. I was very upfront. I even told her if someone is talking about their ex on the first date, then they aren't ready yet. It was my way of telling her that there probably won't be a second date. She seemed cool about it. There's a 13 year age difference, we didn't know about until the date anyway. It was still fun though. She got free food and drinks. We both just really wanted to watch the Final Four with someone.

[cousin]

She called me today. Stupid me answered. I had deleted her number, but I still knew it was her. She said her phone had not been receiving text messages for a couple of days. She asked me if I had texted her. I said no. Then I asked her when a good time is to bring her laptop to her. I work in IT. I was going to fix it for her. She lives about 30 miles away. I'll be in her town this week for work. I left the conversation really short. I told her I'd drop it off Tuesday. Then ended the phone call. Probably lasted 45 seconds.

[annie24]

You're too nice. I don't think you need to fix her laptop, just give it back to her. I guess since you said you were going to you may as well. but ugh.

[Krankor]

OP are you hoping to reattract her or are you just done and moving on?

[nsolo]

" I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely. "

 

One of my mentors quotes a famous Green Beret frequently: "The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it."

 

Since you know you don't want to be friends with her, an effective way to man up and put her behind you is by saying something to the effect of, "I really would like to continue pursuing something romantic with you, and since you don't want the same thing, I've decided that we should only keep in touch if we're on the same page. I absolutely wish the best for you, but I have to say to please only contact me if you want to pursue something more than friends in the future." And that's it. Never look back. If she's too tied up emotionally with her ex or the divorce or whatever, it's not your problem anymore. And I'd be glad of that, though I hate that you're having to go through this. I'd get back to dating and forging onward toward women who are highly attracted to you and not hot and cold.

[cousin]

OP are you hoping to reattract her or are you just done and moving on?

 

I deleted her number and so forth to get past her. It was an impulse thing when I answered the phone. Yesterday was the first day in two weeks that I had been to the gym or played tennis. I normally do those two things several times a week. I reminded myself after our phone call yesterday that I don't ever want to feel like I have the past two weeks. I honestly didn't want to talk to her. I didn't cut the phone call short as some kind of getting her back together method. If she wants to talk about things Tuesday, then I'll be open to it. I'm going to keep on living my life though.

[cousin]

" I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely. "

 

One of my mentors quotes a famous Green Beret frequently: "The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it."

 

Since you know you don't want to be friends with her, an effective way to man up and put her behind you is by saying something to the effect of, "I really would like to continue pursuing something romantic with you, and since you don't want the same thing, I've decided that we should only keep in touch if we're on the same page. I absolutely wish the best for you, but I have to say to please only contact me if you want to pursue something more than friends in the future." And that's it. Never look back. If she's too tied up emotionally with her ex or the divorce or whatever, it's not your problem anymore. And I'd be glad of that, though I hate that you're having to go through this. I'd get back to dating and forging onward toward women who are highly attracted to you and not hot and cold.

 

Thank you for your input. I'll tell her that when I see her Tuesday. I'm going to keep talking and seeing other women until she commits or I find someone else. I was proud of myself yesterday. I simply said, "what day do you not have the kids?" She said,"Tuesday." I then told her I'll bring her computer then and bye. I could tell she wanted to talk even though I could hear her kids in the background. She's never called me when she has them before. She must have really wanted to talk.

[cousin]

You're too nice. I don't think you need to fix her laptop, just give it back to her. I guess since you said you were going to you may as well. but ugh.

 

I'm going to give it back to her without repairing it. I'm not a chump. I would fix it for a friend or a significant other. She is neither of these at the moment.

[IAmFCA]

She called me today. Stupid me answered. I had deleted her number, but I still knew it was her. She said her phone had not been receiving text messages for a couple of days. She asked me if I had texted her. I said no. Then I asked her when a good time is to bring her laptop to her. I work in IT. I was going to fix it for her. She lives about 30 miles away. I'll be in her town this week for work. I left the conversation really short. I told her I'd drop it off Tuesday. Then ended the phone call. Probably lasted 45 seconds.

 

That is a win for you. You got scheduled in a way that works for you, no extra time spent, and you are divesting yourself of connecting links.

 

Good.

[IAmFCA]

I'm going to give it back to her without repairing it. I'm not a chump. I would fix it for a friend or a significant other. She is neither of these at the moment.

 

I am ambivalent about fixing it.

 

Returning it unfixed -- I would probably never talk to you again if I were her. Not because of the laptop, but because I would regard that as an act of kicking me to the curb.

 

Returning it fixed -- I would appreciate it as something you did when you didn't need to do it. I would be glad of it. I would think you genuinely kind even if you never spoke to me again.

 

 

If it requires new parts or many hours etc, then no. I would return it with a diagnosis: "I looked at it, you will need to buy a new thingamajig. Take it to Best Buy, tell them what's wrong; they can fix it. Maybe will cost you $200."

[cousin]

I am ambivalent about fixing it.

 

Returning it unfixed -- I would probably never talk to you again if I were her. Not because of the laptop, but because I would regard that as an act of kicking me to the curb.

 

Returning it fixed -- I would appreciate it as something you did when you didn't need to do it. I would be glad of it. I would think you genuinely kind even if you never spoke to me again.

 

 

If it requires new parts or many hours etc, then no. I would return it with a diagnosis: "I looked at it, you will need to buy a new thingamajig. Take it to Best Buy, tell them what's wrong; they can fix it. Maybe will cost you $200."

 

It will take a little a hour or two to fix. Work is extremely slow this week. I am literally watching baseball at my desk. haha

[cousin]

That is a win for you. You got scheduled in a way that works for you, no extra time spent, and you are divesting yourself of connecting links.

 

Good.

 

Thank you. I'm kinda proud of myself. Still not sure what she wanted. She could have texted me instead of calling.

[abitbroken]

It will take a little a hour or two to fix. Work is extremely slow this week. I am literally watching baseball at my desk. haha

 

Did you tell her that you would fix it? If you did, then i would stick by your word and do it, especially if you had it for awhile. But don't do anything more for her. You are done.

[cousin]

Did you tell her that you would fix it? If you did, then i would stick by your word and do it, especially if you had it for awhile. But don't do anything more for her. You are done.

 

Yes. I've been telling her for a few weeks I'd fix it. I finally took it home last week. I will fix it. I've got nothing to lose.

[Sportster2005]

Thank you for your input. I'll tell her that when I see her Tuesday. I'm going to keep talking and seeing other women until she commits or I find someone else. I was proud of myself yesterday. I simply said, "what day do you not have the kids?" She said,"Tuesday." I then told her I'll bring her computer then and bye. I could tell she wanted to talk even though I could hear her kids in the background. She's never called me when she has them before. She must have really wanted to talk.

 

You're not really walking away if you tell her she can come back. Walk away and mean it. No pleading, no negotiating. She already knows if she wants you, she can contact you. Telling her she can contact you under terms you set, doesn't make you look strong. It borders on begging. Drop of the laptop, smiled, and say 'have a nice day'. And really, really walk away. No gamesmanship or chitter chatter. Actions speak louder than words.

[nsolo]

"I will fix it."

 

I agree that this is a good thing to do as a man, because real men do what they say they're going to do.

[nsolo]

You're not really walking away if you tell her she can come back. Walk away and mean it. No pleading, no negotiating. She already knows if she wants you, she can contact you. Telling her she can contact you under terms you set, doesn't make you look strong. It borders on begging. Drop of the laptop, smiled, and say 'have a nice day'. And really, really walk away. No gamesmanship or chitter chatter. Actions speak louder than words.

 

What you're saying is good food for thought, but I still like my suggested strategy a little more because it lays down rules. The thing with me is this: If a girl is contacting me who has been playing hard to get and all that, and the situation is going nowhere, I'm not going to ignore her. I'm going to say something. If you don't say the right thing, then you leave the lines of communication open, which I don't want with some woman who I feel is toying with me. So I say something along the lines of "Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again, because as I've said, I can't do texting buddies, friends, etc." Then you walk away and never ever contact her ever again. If she then contacts me, I say, "Well, presumably you're ready to get on another date since you're reaching out to me." If she says yes, I go on the date and treat it as a first date, having fun and all that. If she says no, I say, "Well, like I said, I'm not going to do friends because not being able to spank you, for instance, is going to drive me crazy, so I'll ask again that you respect my wish and only contact me if you want to hang out such that there aren't any rules against smackin' that behind of yours."

That's just an example, but I think it's more direct than ignoring a woman and disappearing.

 

Of course Cousin can decide the best route at his own discretion. Perhaps there are benefits to simply giving her the laptop and ignoring her calls/texts afterward.

[Sportster2005]

What you're saying is good food for thought, but I still like my suggested strategy a little more because it lays down rules. The thing with me is this: If a girl is contacting me who has been playing hard to get and all that, and the situation is going nowhere, I'm not going to ignore her. I'm going to say something. If you don't say the right thing, then you leave the lines of communication open, which I don't want with some woman who I feel is toying with me. So I say something along the lines of "Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again, because as I've said, I can't do texting buddies, friends, etc." Then you walk away and never ever contact her ever again. If she then contacts me, I say, "Well, presumably you're ready to get on another date since you're reaching out to me." If she says yes, I go on the date and treat it as a first date, having fun and all that. If she says no, I say, "Well, like I said, I'm not going to do friends because not being able to spank you, for instance, is going to drive me crazy, so I'll ask again that you respect my wish and only contact me if you want to hang out such that there aren't any rules against smackin' that behind of yours."

That's just an example, but I think it's more direct than ignoring a woman and disappearing.

 

Of course Cousin can decide the best route at his own discretion. Perhaps there are benefits to simply giving her the laptop and ignoring her calls/texts afterward.

 

I understand. If you're going to do that, I would keep it short.

 

"Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again"

vs.

"Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again, because as I've said, I can't do texting buddies, friends, etc."

 

There's a very subtle but important difference, I think. To me, the first one seems more decisive and strong. I would also add, if you made it clear to a woman the only contact you will accept is a clear signal they want to date, and they contact you, you ignore them. Don't ask them to respect your wish. Ignore them. You may unwittingly be getting drawn into a game. I can't stress enough, it's about action, what you do, not what you say. Good luck.