She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

[Mari]

I (39/M) met her (31/F) on a dating site a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times.

 

During the first few weeks of dating, she was into me big time. She texted me nonstop and called me all the time. She always initiated sex. Things got physical on the second date even though she initially said she didn't want to sleep together until marriage. She comes from a very religious family. She has been divorced for two years. She and her ex have two young children together.

 

Her ex-husband cheated on her and ended up marrying the woman he cheated with a couple of weeks ago. The woman I've been seeing told me that she was "really sad" about it. She even visited her sister across the country to distract herself during the wedding. She posts things about divorce on social media all of the time.

 

I noticed that she has been very distant lately via texting since the trip. She actually looked like she was in a daze when I dropped her off at the airport. She only texted me once during the trip. It was the night before she was to come back. She was drunk.

 

I have texted her first almost every time since she got back from her trip. The only time she texted me first was to ask me to stay over this past Saturday.

 

I asked her a couple of days ago if we need to talk. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

 

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

 

 

There are multiple issues she's dealing with right now by hearing about her ex's wedding. It was one thing that he cheated on her but now that he married the girl she's processing the loss that he's never coming back. She may have held hope that some day perhaps he would realize that he made a mistake leaving her and come back. But instead she's probably thinking that she just wasn't good enough to keep him and this other girl is.

 

How she treated you in the beginning may be because she wanted confirmation that she is a good partner or perhaps she was rebounding. But despite that I think there has to be a reason she went with you and not just anyone. Now she's confused, will you leave her too after marriage? Is she good enough to keep you? What happens with the kids, will you love them like their father did? How can she be sure that going with anyone isn't going to end up with that person cheating on her and then marrying the one they cheated with?

 

With all these questions she's thinking that what she had with you isn't real, because what she had with her ex was a marriage and that turned out not to be real either. In this time if you want to help her you would have to work on rebuilding her trust in men through you. This task is really difficult and for most people they would rather just find someone new who doesn't have these issues. It's a lot easier and stress free. But I don't know what she's worth to you. If you want to stay with her it's going to cost you a lot of patience and trust, rebuilding by inviting her to things, being positive and refuting her negativity with sound reasoning, and being there for her and her kids. To start you could question what she did see you in and if what she saw was true, to confirm that it is true.

[cousin]

And what did you take her comments to imply?

At

 

At that time, I felt like she wanted to wait til she was ready. Now I realize she probably was saying she isn't ever gonna be ready to date me, and I should wait because I'm still hurting.

[cousin]

There are multiple issues she's dealing with right now by hearing about her ex's wedding. It was one thing that he cheated on her but now that he married the girl she's processing the loss that he's never coming back. She may have held hope that some day perhaps he would realize that he made a mistake leaving her and come back. But instead she's probably thinking that she just wasn't good enough to keep him and this other girl is.

 

How she treated you in the beginning may be because she wanted confirmation that she is a good partner or perhaps she was rebounding. But despite that I think there has to be a reason she went with you and not just anyone. Now she's confused, will you leave her too after marriage? Is she good enough to keep you? What happens with the kids, will you love them like their father did? How can she be sure that going with anyone isn't going to end up with that person cheating on her and then marrying the one they cheated with?

 

With all these questions she's thinking that what she had with you isn't real, because what she had with her ex was a marriage and that turned out not to be real either. In this time if you want to help her you would have to work on rebuilding her trust in men through you. This task is really difficult and for most people they would rather just find someone new who doesn't have these issues. It's a lot easier and stress free. But I don't know what she's worth to you. If you want to stay with her it's going to cost you a lot of patience and trust, rebuilding by inviting her to things, being positive and refuting her negativity with sound reasoning, and being there for her and her kids. To start you could question what she did see you in and if what she saw was true, to confirm that it is true.

 

Yes! That is what I was thinking. I feel like she thinks I will leave her someday like her ex husband did. We have not had any serious topics like this in person. I want to talk to her in person and let her know that she can trust me. I want to keep talking to her and see if she ever stops thinking about her ex getting remarried. She told me at the beginning, it would be six months before she announced we were dating. Maybe we took things too fast?

[SherrySher]

It's a guess though. You have to be open to the possibility that she has spent time with you and also might be thinking.." No, I won't ever be in love with him like I should be and I need to be fair to him now and tell him it's not going to happen."..it truly might not all be about her need to get over her ex.

 

When and if you talk to her again and if she tells you it really is over, ask her for specifics as to why, so you can get the proper closure and you won't be driving yourself crazy wondering what she really meant or thought.

[Wiseman2]

Read up on this and see if this fits your situation:

 

"Is It Unhealthy for Men to Have Knight Syndrome?

Initially, when a dependent and passive person looks to you for everything, a guy can feel like a hero. "But there's a huge and painful payback when the woman's bad habits surface and he becomes aware of them," Tessina says. "The dependent person is not going to change just because you want her to." If you recognize yourself as a knight, you may want to examine your own motivation for your behavior. Subconsciously, you may think rescuing a woman makes you more strong and manly. For a guy who is lonely or has low self-esteem, stepping in to take charge of another person's life can initially make him feel more purposeful. But the feelings of well-being are short-lived."

[Mari]

Yes! That is what I was thinking. I feel like she thinks I will leave her someday like her ex husband did. We have not had any serious topics like this in person. I want to talk to her in person and let her know that she can trust me. I want to keep talking to her and see if she ever stops thinking about her ex getting remarried. She told me at the beginning, it would be six months before she announced we were dating. Maybe we took things too fast?

 

I think she would've stayed on that path if she hadn't heard the news about her ex. In her situation if you could go to counseling with her as to what happened it would probably help her, this is assuming she'd want to go. I don't know her to say how she would react to that suggestion.

[cousin]

I think she would've stayed on that path if she hadn't heard the news about her ex. In her situation if you could go to counseling with her as to what happened it would probably help her, this is assuming she'd want to go. I don't know her to say how she would react to that suggestion.

 

I think she might be open to counseling. She went through it when her husband wouldn't.

[cousin]

It's a guess though. You have to be open to the possibility that she has spent time with you and also might be thinking.." No, I won't ever be in love with him like I should be and I need to be fair to him now and tell him it's not going to happen."..it truly might not all be about her need to get over her ex.

 

When and if you talk to her again and if she tells you it really is over, ask her for specifics as to why, so you can get the proper closure and you won't be driving yourself crazy wondering what she really meant or thought.

 

I agree. She wouldn't tell me why she suddenly stopped wanting to date me. Every time I suggest a reason, she says, "no. you did everything right" I really think it's the ex getting married. She talks about it all the time on social media. I feel like I can wait it out until she comes around.

[cousin]

Read up on this and see if this fits your situation:

 

"Is It Unhealthy for Men to Have Knight Syndrome?

Initially, when a dependent and passive person looks to you for everything, a guy can feel like a hero. "But there's a huge and painful payback when the woman's bad habits surface and he becomes aware of them," Tessina says. "The dependent person is not going to change just because you want her to." If you recognize yourself as a knight, you may want to examine your own motivation for your behavior. Subconsciously, you may think rescuing a woman makes you more strong and manly. For a guy who is lonely or has low self-esteem, stepping in to take charge of another person's life can initially make him feel more purposeful. But the feelings of well-being are short-lived."

 

Thank you for that. I don't feel like I am trying to take charge. I'm just wanting her to not give up before giving us a proper chance. It's so easy for her to text me saying she isn't feeling a connection. I guarantee she will want to continue seeing me after we've had a heart to heart. I always avoid important conversations in person. I'm going to talk to her for real next week.

[cousin]

It's a guess though. You have to be open to the possibility that she has spent time with you and also might be thinking.." No, I won't ever be in love with him like I should be and I need to be fair to him now and tell him it's not going to happen."..it truly might not all be about her need to get over her ex.

 

When and if you talk to her again and if she tells you it really is over, ask her for specifics as to why, so you can get the proper closure and you won't be driving yourself crazy wondering what she really meant or thought.

 

I am convinced it's about her ex. She posts stuff on social media about it all of the time. She told me specifically it made her sad. I've gone back to the text messages. That is the exact time she became distant.

 

She talked about the marriage for a really long time during our first date. Then she didn't mention it again until the wedding. I thought she was over him. She's not. I think she will eventually, and I will be there for her when she does.

[Hollyj]

I am convinced it's about her ex. She posts stuff on social media about it all of the time. She told me specifically it made her sad. I've gone back to the text messages. That is the exact time she became distant.

 

She talked about the marriage for a really long time during our first date. Then she didn't mention it again until the wedding. I thought she was over him. She's not. I think she will eventually, and I will be there for her when she does.

 

These were all big red flags! You should have bailed after the first date!

 

Learn from this. Unfortunately,, you are still pursuing this with everything you know. You should have known better!

[ManyDates]

Forget her and move on - the same thing happened to me last year. We had amazing dates and crazy chemistry together, then she called up crying how her ex of 12 years had just got engaged a couple years after they "broke up". Looking back at it, she was never over the guy and had probably only started dating because she heard he was - that all came crashing down when the guy put an actual ring on the new girls finger.

 

Never heard from her again.

 

This is why I will now have nothing to do with women that are clearly re-bounding and not over their ex. The big red flag? If they mention their ex at all, even in passing, they aren't over them.

[abitbroken]

She may not be wanting her ex back - she could be totally over him - but when an ex moves on faster than you and marries and you are not even dating anyone, for a LOT of people who no way in heck would ever want their ex back are often shell shocked, set back, etc. I am not saying she is emotionally ready to have a relationship - she likely isn't. However, it may not be that she WANTs him - but when an ex marries its a different kind of closure - and maybe a particular slap in the face since he married the mistress.

 

My cousin's best friend's marriage fell apart. She really wanted babies and the husband did not. Well, they broke up - she was doing fine with things - looking forward to healing and meeting a man who wanted kids. She started to date. Then she found out her ex met a woman who already had a child, she is pregnant with his child almost immediately, etc. That really sent her spinning - ie, did he really ever love her? What the heck? was their marraige just a sham?

[Wiseman2]

This is sort of a take charge statement, no? guarantee she will want to continue seeing me after we've had a heart to heart".

I don't feel like I am trying to take charge. I'm just wanting her to not give up before giving us a proper chance.

[cousin]

You're right. It is a take charge statement. Good call.

[Tanzi]

I feel like I can wait it out until she comes around.

 

That could be quite a while .... and who's to say that she will want to see you again when she does "come around"? Why put your life on hold for such uncertainty ... and for someone you've only had a handful of dates with?

[cousin]

I know. She didn't really mention him after that day though.

[ShatteredMan]

Don't wait for her to come around. You are not part of her life and she's making this clear.

 

Start looking for someone else and don't call her anymore. If she has any form of emotional attachment, she knows how to get in touch with you......

 

It sucks but you gotta do this for yourself. Not her.

[cousin]

That's the plan. She said she wanted to "chat" when she gets back from vacation. I'm going to have a real talk with her on that day.

[cousin]

That could be quite a while .... and who's to say that she will want to see you again when she does "come around"? Why put your life on hold for such uncertainty ... and for someone you've only had a handful of dates with?

 

I'd say it was probably 10 dates. With me staying over most of the time. Sex 5 or 6 times.

[cousin]

That could be quite a while .... and who's to say that she will want to see you again when she does "come around"? Why put your life on hold for such uncertainty ... and for someone you've only had a handful of dates with?

 

I don't plan on putting my life on hold. I just thought about hanging out with her from time to time. We don't get to see each other but twice a weeks tops because of the kids situation.

[Tanzi]

I'm just wanting her to not give up before giving us a proper chance.

 

But she has to want that too and it doesn't sound as though she does.

 

It's so easy for her to text me saying she isn't feeling a connection.

 

Easy or not, she still said it and she wouldn't have said it without reason or purpose.

 

I guarantee she will want to continue seeing me after we've had a heart to heart. I always avoid important conversations in person. I'm going to talk to her for real next week.

 

That's a rather ingenuous statement to make. Do you really think it is that easy or simple? She has told you she doesn't see anything long term with you. Why would she say that if it was that easy to turn her around?

 

I don't mean to be a killjoy but I think this is far simpler than you are making it. All you need to do is properly hear what she has said.

[SadPanda78]

Similar situation happened to me, oh about a few days ago. You can see my original post just few below yours on this forum. What really makes your situation very similar to mine, is the length of "relationship" - a tad over a month for me, age gap (39/M & 29/F), and she had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship three months before we started seeing each other. Things were great, then all of a sudden I get the "we're looking for diff things, let's be friends". Let me tell you that I am in a similar mindset of you (holding out hope that things could change and constantly trying to dissect the situation on how things could have been different), but feel that a lot of the advice you are receiving from the wonderful people on this forum is enlightening and is helping me try to move on.

[cousin]

Similar situation happened to me, oh about a few days ago. You can see my original post just few below yours on this forum. What really makes your situation very similar to mine, is the length of "relationship" - a tad over a month for me, age gap (39/M & 29/F), and she had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship three months before we started seeing each other. Things were great, then all of a sudden I get the "we're looking for diff things, let's be friends". Let me tell you that I am in a similar mindset of you (holding out hope that things could change and constantly trying to dissect the situation on how things could have been different), but feel that a lot of the advice you are receiving from the wonderful people on this forum is enlightening and is helping me try to move on.

 

Oh wow. What are your plans?

[cousin]

But she has to want that too and it doesn't sound as though she does.

 

 

 

Easy or not, she still said it and she wouldn't have said it without reason or purpose.

 

 

 

That's a rather ingenuous statement to make. Do you really think it is that easy or simple? She has told you she doesn't see anything long term with you. Why would she say that if it was that easy to turn her around?

 

I don't mean to be a killjoy but I think this is far simpler than you are making it. All you need to do is properly hear what she has said.

 

I just feel like there is so much of a connection when we are together. She holds my hand, kisses me at random moments, rubs my back etc. I think that I texted her way too much when she really just wanted to be left alone. In the future, I might just text her to make plans and that's it. I'm telling you, when we're together it isn't just about sex. We enjoy each other's company. I think slowing things down will help. I didn't plan on having sex so early and often. I just didn't want to make her feel bad if I rejected her.