She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

[ManyDates]

I just feel like there is so much of a connection when we are together. She holds my hand, kisses me at random moments, rubs my back etc. I think that I texted her way too much when she really just wanted to be left alone. In the future, I might just text her to make plans and that's it. I'm telling you, when we're together it isn't just about sex. We enjoy each other's company. I think slowing things down will help. I didn't plan on having sex so early and often. I just didn't want to make her feel bad if I rejected her.

 

Its a fake connection - she thought she could slot you in as a replacement as rebounders try to do - then they pull stuff like this once they realize you can't do that. I've had a rebounder put her hand around my waist on our way into a bar after just meeting in the parking lot and kiss passionately minutes later - on a first date/meet! And as usual, *POOF* she completely disappeared a couple days later.

 

That one was 4 months out of a 7 year relationship.

[cousin]

Its a fake connection - she thought she could slot you in as a replacement as rebounders try to do - then they pull stuff like this once they realize you can't do that. I've had a rebounder put her hand around my waist on our way into a bar after just meeting in the parking lot and kiss passionately minutes later - on a first date/meet! And as usual, *POOF* she completely disappeared a couple days later.

 

That one was 4 months out of a 7 year relationship.

 

It's hard for me to feel like i'm the rebound because she dated a guy about six months ago. I've seen the pictures on FaceBook. She said they just "hung out" but there are tons of pics. I can tell they were an item. She's also said that she did some crazy things sexually when she first got a divorce. I think she slept around a lot. I know she had a three way as well. Not sure if that is relevant since it was over a year ago.

[SadPanda78]

Oh wow. What are your plans?

 

Tbh, I am having mixed emotions, it's not been an easy week for me. My heart obviously wants to continue to hang on, but I know that I shouldn't. I got much more emotionally invested than I should have (super attractive, much younger, etc...I AM human) because having been through a divorce after 14 years of marriaige, there's no way she could have been ready for anything more than casually dating, and I just missed it, because of how well things have been going. Anyway, I'm trying the no contact thing to get over her, but we did share a few texts back and forth, nothing major. I hold no ill will...it's just bad timing. We have some mutual friends, so I'll keep it cordial. I'm going to try and get back out there and who knows, maybe she's in a different place a few months down the line and things can re-materialize but I'm definitely not simply going to wait for that to happen.

[ManyDates]

It's hard for me to feel like i'm the rebound because she dated a guy about six months ago. I've seen the pictures on FaceBook. She said they just "hung out" but there are tons of pics. I can tell they were an item. She's also said that she did some crazy things sexually when she first got a divorce. I think she slept around a lot. I know she had a three way as well. Not sure if that is relevant since it was over a year ago.

 

Regardless her mind is elsewhere and it isn't fair to you

[cousin]

Tbh, I am having mixed emotions, it's not been an easy week for me. My heart obviously wants to continue to hang on, but I know that I shouldn't. I got much more emotionally invested than I should have (super attractive, much younger, etc...I AM human) because having been through a divorce after 14 years of marriaige, there's no way she could have been ready for anything more than casually dating, and I just missed it, because of how well things have been going. Anyway, I'm trying the no contact thing to get over her, but we did share a few texts back and forth, nothing major. I hold no ill will...it's just bad timing. We have some mutual friends, so I'll keep it cordial. I'm going to try and get back out there and who knows, maybe she's in a different place a few months down the line and things can re-materialize but I'm definitely not simply going to wait for that to happen.

 

I feel you. It's funny how timing works. I've rejected three women in the month and half I've dated this girl. All three women were people who I had went on dates with and the timing was wrong. In a week or two, I'm gonna text them and see if they wanna meet up. You'll find someone. I'll be glad to keep talking to you if you want someone to talk to.

[cousin]

Regardless her mind is elsewhere and it isn't fair to you

 

You don't think she can change her mind? She was so excited when we first met. She was freaking me out on a couple of our dates because she was so excited. She takes meds for anxiety. Maybe she's going through a low right now?

[cousin]

Ok meet up, but it may not change her stance, her feelings about you or her feelings about her ex.

 

To be honest she's not looking for an emotional connection She's looking for the infatuation rush as a drug for her protracted pain over her ex. She drinks to drown her sorrows also so there's your clue.

 

Now that you mention it, she was down right giddy when we met on one of our dates. She was scaring me a little.

[Wiseman2]

If she's a heavy drinker and on this prescription you can expect a real roller coaster ride ranging from horny as hell to get lost.

She was freaking me out on a couple of our dates because she was so excited. She takes meds for anxiety. Maybe she's going through a low right now?

[cousin]

If she's a heavy drinker and on this prescription you can expect a real roller coaster ride ranging from horny as hell to get lost.

 

Ah. I didn't know that. She mentioned to me recently that she was concerned with her amount of drinking. From what I can tell, she only drinks around me.

[cousin]

If she's a heavy drinker and on this prescription you can expect a real roller coaster ride ranging from horny as hell to get lost.

 

For real though. I don't remember anyone ever getting that excited to see me. I showed up at her house early on to hang out, and she was so infatuated. We were playing board games and she would almost squeal in excitement.

[SadPanda78]

I feel you. It's funny how timing works. I've rejected three women in the month and half I've dated this girl. All three women were people who I had went on dates with and the timing was wrong. In a week or two, I'm gonna text them and see if they wanna meet up. You'll find someone. I'll be glad to keep talking to you if you want someone to talk to.

 

Appreciate the words of encouragement. Yeah man, let's stay in touch. I have a feeling I'm going to have a few more up and down days. As far as your situation goes...I don't think there's any harm meeting up with her when she gets back. I just think you need to go into it without a lot of expectations.

One more thing I learned with my situation and might be applicable to yours as well...a 29/F is just from an entirely different generation and their expectations, mannerisms, etc... are things I wasn't too knowledgable of. So while the age gap is a huge plus, it does come with a bit of a learning curve.

[cousin]

Appreciate the words of encouragement. Yeah man, let's stay in touch. I have a feeling I'm going to have a few more up and down days. As far as your situation goes...I don't think there's any harm meeting up with her when she gets back. I just think you need to go into it without a lot of expectations.

One more thing I learned with my situation and might be applicable to yours as well...a 29/F is just from an entirely different generation and their expectations, mannerisms, etc... are things I wasn't too knowledgable of. So while the age gap is a huge plus, it does come with a bit of a learning curve.

 

I keep thinking that an 8.5 year age gap isn't that big, but maybe it is. She brings it up sometimes. I just had a woman on another website tell me that she went through the exact same thing my girls is experiencing. She said like my girl, she loved the attention and the sex, but wasn't really ready to move on. I keep thinking that she will be emotionally available soon. It's been two years. The woman I was talking to online said it takes much longer. Ugh. This hurts so much. I want to call my girl up right now, but she's out of town with friends and family.

[sky09]

I am giving out quick and free 100% working advices today: Kick her not-over-her-ex ass to the curb and forget about her.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't seem like an age thing. More like she deals with stress by escapism. Drinking, prescription pills, random novel sex, etc. All things that obliterate her emotions as distractions, but then the reality comes crashing down. Perhaps this is why her ex left her and remarried?

I keep thinking that an 8.5 year age gap isn't that big, but maybe it is. She brings it up sometimes.

[cousin]

I am giving out quick and free 100% working advices today: Kick her not-over-her-ex ass to the curb and forget about her.

 

HAHAHAHA. I appreciate the advice. The more I think about things, the more I understand that she's emotionally unavailable. I can't wait around for her to be ready.

[cousin]

It doesn't seem like an age thing. More like she deals with stress by escapism. Drinking, prescription pills, random novel sex, etc. All things that obliterate her emotions as distractions, but then the reality comes crashing down. Perhaps this is why her ex left her and remarried?

 

Thank you so much for your replies. They are really helping. I'm not sure why he left. He was going to school to become a preacher and ended up going to bars at night. I think he married a bartender. She told me she tried couples therapy and he would not go so she went by herself. She also said that her doctor is slowly weening her off of the meds. She is at the lowest dosage. She told me that she still really needs them though.

[annie24]

Wow, I haven't read all 10 pages yet, but it sounds like maybe she thought she was ready to move on, but after the ex got married, the emotions have hit her and she's clearly got a lot more healing to do before she's ready to have a relationship. Sorry you got mixed up in this.

[annie24]

Thank you so much for your replies. They are really helping. I'm not sure why he left. He was going to school to become a preacher and ended up going to bars at night. I think he married a bartender. She told me she tried couples therapy and he would not go so she went by herself. She also said that her doctor is slowly weening her off of the meds. She is at the lowest dosage. She told me that she still really needs them though.

 

!!!! I mean, that is really weird. I wonder if they both have alcohol/substance abuse issues. I too, like to drink on dates, sometimes drink too much. I can be sober to, and usually I only have 2-3 drinks, don't typically get stupid drunk. But based on what you've said, I wonder if both of them have some substance issues and had a co-dependent relationship.

 

You also said she was religious - I wonder if part of her was holding out hope he would get over his mistress and come back and be a family again. She was probably hoping to have him back both for the sake of her family and also probably feeling better about the divorce and the whole situation. The wedding probably put the nail in the coffin of that fantasy and now she has to deal with it. I suspect it's all about her and not really about "you" not being what she wants long term (she wants him long term, which isn't going to happen, obviously).

[Krankor]

OP, I haven't read every response, but the only thing really to do in your situation is to say "I'm not interested in just being friends. I only want to continue seeing you ad more than that. Call me if you ever change your mind." Then, walk away and don't contact her again. You may not hear from her again, but it's the strongest position you can take and shows how much you respect yourself.

[cousin]

OP, I haven't read every response, but the only thing really to do in your situation is to say "I'm not interested in just being friends. I only want to continue seeing you ad more than that. Call me if you ever change your mind." Then, walk away and don't contact her again. You may not hear from her again, but it's the strongest position you can take and shows how much you respect yourself.

 

Thank you. I'm waiting for her to contact me when she gets back from vacation. I plan on talking to her in person and telling her that. I feel like after a week or so apart and a heart to heart, she will tell me she's ready or she isn't. I feel like she told me she isn't ready to date anyone pretty hastily.

[cousin]

!!!! I mean, that is really weird. I wonder if they both have alcohol/substance abuse issues. I too, like to drink on dates, sometimes drink too much. I can be sober to, and usually I only have 2-3 drinks, don't typically get stupid drunk. But based on what you've said, I wonder if both of them have some substance issues and had a co-dependent relationship.

 

You also said she was religious - I wonder if part of her was holding out hope he would get over his mistress and come back and be a family again. She was probably hoping to have him back both for the sake of her family and also probably feeling better about the divorce and the whole situation. The wedding probably put the nail in the coffin of that fantasy and now she has to deal with it. I suspect it's all about her and not really about "you" not being what she wants long term (she wants him long term, which isn't going to happen, obviously).

 

I don't think she has an alcohol problem. She keeps a little bit of wine and rum at home, but it's not bad. I'm not sure if she was hoping he would come back, but that I'm not sure. We never really had any real conversations. I always avoided them. When I see her next, I'm going to have a real conversation for once. No alcohol, no sex, just two people sitting and talking

[ManyDates]

Thank you. I'm waiting for her to contact me when she gets back from vacation. I plan on talking to her in person and telling her that. I feel like after a week or so apart and a heart to heart, she will tell me she's ready or she isn't. I feel like she told me she isn't ready to date anyone pretty hastily.

 

She's has been thinking about him and his new girl all week, not you. Walk away and forget about her...c'mon man.

[cousin]

She's has been thinking about him and his new girl all week, not you. Walk away and forget about her...c'mon man.

 

They were married eight years. Two kids. You're right. It's probably gonna take her a long time to be able to date again. I wish she would acknowledge that. I've brought it up a few times. When she ignores the topic, I ask what I did wrong. She always says nothing. She also said that she isn't interested in dating anyone right now. I just feel like she's in a funk and will get out of it. She probably won't though.

[cousin]

OP, I haven't read every response, but the only thing really to do in your situation is to say "I'm not interested in just being friends. I only want to continue seeing you ad more than that. Call me if you ever change your mind." Then, walk away and don't contact her again. You may not hear from her again, but it's the strongest position you can take and shows how much you respect yourself.

 

I've been telling her from the start that I'm fine with her taking as much time as she needs. We actually talked early on about us not announcing anything to anyone for a very long time. She's the one who kept initiating sex. She's the one who was all excited. I told my friends that if I get killed, it'll be this girl because she is so obsessed. One day we're cuddling all day on the couch, and three days later she doesn't want to date, doesn't want to have casual sex, only hang out as friends. I don't mind giving her a little more time as long as she's not seeing anyone else. She said she isn't interested or talking to anyone. Our conversation in person this week will help clarify things.

[cousin]

Wow, I haven't read all 10 pages yet, but it sounds like maybe she thought she was ready to move on, but after the ex got married, the emotions have hit her and she's clearly got a lot more healing to do before she's ready to have a relationship. Sorry you got mixed up in this.

 

That's what I believe. The emotions hit her. Who is to say she won't change her mind soon? It's only been about two weeks since he got remarried. We had crazy chemistry before the wedding. Who is to say she won't come around in a week or two? I can be a friend for her until then. I'm not planning to wait for her forever. She clearly wants to keep seeing each other in person. She's the one who brought up hanging out as friends. I prepared to make her pay for her half if we go out and do anything. I'm prepared to sit across the room if we watch a movie. I don't have to sleep with when I come over. I told her a few times that I don't expect sex. She acted like she didn't believe me. I want to show her that we can hang out normally and see what happens.