She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting. Seems like another red flag along with her friendzone speech, no?

Now that you mention it, she drank every date we had. She told me during our last conversation that she is concerned with her amount of drinking. I told her we don't have to drink or have sex every time we meet.

[cousin]

I can understand why you may have thought she was over things but her actions have shown that she is clearly not over things or ready to date. She is rebounding with the guys in the hope that she will meet someone who will make her forget her ex. She is "faking it till making it".

 

Now that you know she isn't over her ex don't you think it would be far better to start a relationship with someone who is on the same page as you instead of hanging onto someone who may or may not "snap out of it" anytime soon?

 

I agree. I'm going to have one last heart to heart with her. I know it won't go anywhere, but she needs to understand she isn't over him and she needs help.

[Tanzi]

I keep thinking she will get over him now that he is married. We haven't spoken over the phone or in person about this. I feel like she will change her mind if we discuss it in person.

 

But it's not like you haven't been together in person. If none of the other guys have changed how she feels and being with you hasn't changed how she feels then why do you think talking about it is going to make any difference? If she is still emotionally attached to her ex-husband and she isn't feeling it with you (or anyone) then no amount of talking is going to change that. She needs more time. You can't convince someone to want you. They either want you or not. She has told you it isn't working out and that she isn't ready to date any time soon. You need to listen to her.

[Hollyj]

" She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there."

 

 

This is all you need to know. Listen!!!

[Hollyj]

I agree. I'm going to have one last heart to heart with her. I know it won't go anywhere, but she needs to understand she isn't over him and she needs help.

 

That's for her to deal with. You are not her therapist or father.

[cousin]

Interesting. Seems like another red flag along with her friendzone speech, no?

 

I never really thought about it until our last date. I thought I was just coming over to hang out because she was sick. When I arrived, she had on a super sexy dress and wanting to play a drinking game. I told her we didn't have to do either, but she insisted. I'm thinking she really does have a problem.

[cousin]

Well, not every time. There was one time I came by and we just chatted on the couch. Her kids were there so we didn't do anything. It was nice.

[Tanzi]

I feel like we rushed things too. I'm willing to slow things down. I want to talk about doing that when she gets back.

 

She doesn't want to slow things down. She wants them to stop. She has told you that. Why on earth do you want to hang onto someone who is hanging onto someone else! If you are struggling to let go after just a few dates, imagine how it is going to be for her? You could be waiting for a long time and making yourself a doormat at the same time.

[cousin]

She doesn't want to slow things down. She wants them to stop. She has told you that. Why on earth do you want to hang onto someone who is hanging onto someone else! If you are struggling to let go after just a few dates, imagine how it is going to be for her? You could be waiting for a long time and making yourself a doormat at the same time.

 

It wasn't a few dates. It was probably ten dates with me staying over probably six times. That's what is killing me.

[Hollyj]

I think you should focus on yourself. Look at how you are trying to convince someone, who has clearly stated that they do not want a romantic relationship, to be with you.

[Tanzi]

I agree. I'm going to have one last heart to heart with her. I know it won't go anywhere, but she needs to understand she isn't over him and she needs help.

 

I think she knows she isn't over him .... as to whether she need help, well that's her decision to make. She may just need more time alone to face reality instead of hanging onto guys to mask the pain.

[cousin]

I think she knows she isn't over him .... as to whether she need help, well that's her decision to make. She may just need more time alone to face reality instead of hanging onto guys to mask the pain.

 

I've never dated anyone divorced with kids. This is all new to me. I thought she was ready to move on. Her ex getting married really changed her. When I took her to the airport, she seemed like a zombie. She hasn't been the same since. Except when we are in person. We act like a couple. Hold hands, snuggle, she gives me back rubs, gives me random kisses. I'm so confused.

[Tanzi]

It wasn't a few dates. It was probably ten dates with me staying over probably six times. That's what is killing me.

 

OK so ten dates. In the grand scheme of things that's still "a few" in my book, especially when you compare it to her marriage. She is struggling in the same way you are. You aren't going to break through that. If there was any chance of that she would still be with you. Instead being with you has made her realise that she is not ready to date.

[cousin]

OK so ten dates. In the grand scheme of things that's still "a few" in my book, especially when you compare it to her marriage. She is struggling in the same way you are. You aren't going to break through that. If there was any chance of that she would still be with you. Instead being with you has made her realise that she is not ready to date.

 

You are probably right. I'd love to ask her why things ended with the last guy she dated. I bet she told him the same thing.

[SherrySher]

Unfortunately, I agree. All that the time with you has shown her is that she is not ready to date and she is still far too emotionally involved with her ex husband and needs to heal yet.

She has to grieve before she is good for anyone to date.

You need to respect her need to be alone and to grieve this properly, she will resent you if you keep forcing the issue.

[Tanzi]

I've never dated anyone divorced with kids. This is all new to me. I thought she was ready to move on. Her ex getting married really changed her. When I took her to the airport, she seemed like a zombie. She hasn't been the same since. Except when we are in person. We act like a couple. Hold hands, snuggle, she gives me back rubs, gives me random kisses. I'm so confused.

 

Maybe she thought she was ready to move on but his marriage has obviously affected her in a way that has made her realise that she hasn't moved on. At least she isn't stringing you along. She's been upfront with you. Acting like a couple with you probably helps to soften the blow and, at the time, it felt nice but she has told you that she doesn't see anything long term with you and you really need to focus on that because that is the most least confusing fact in all this. That is something she made quite clear to you.

[cousin]

Unfortunately, I agree. All that the time with you has shown her is that she is not ready to date and she is still far too emotionally involved with her ex husband and needs to heal yet.

She has to grieve before she is good for anyone to date.

You need to respect her need to be alone and to grieve this properly, she will resent you if you keep forcing the issue.

 

I don't plan on pushing anything. I predict she will text me when she comes back from vacation. Should I just ignore her or tell her to contact me if she's ever ready for a relationship?

[Tanzi]

You are probably right. I'd love to ask her why things ended with the last guy she dated. I bet she told him the same thing.

 

Why not assume she did? It most likely was for the same reason. After all she is trying to find someone to replace her ex-husband but it hasn't happened yet. Regardless, it has relevance to your relationship or break-up anyway.

[cousin]

Maybe she thought she was ready to move on but his marriage has obviously affected her in a way that has made her realise that she hasn't moved on. At least she isn't stringing you along. She's been upfront with you. Acting like a couple with you probably helps to soften the blow and, at the time, it felt nice but she has told you that she doesn't see anything long term with you and you really need to focus on that because that is the most least confusing fact in all this. That is something she made quite clear to you.

 

You're right. I'm so used to women dumping me and then disappearing. She replies to all of my texts still. It makes me feel like she feels something.

[j.man]

I think you should focus on yourself. Look at how you are trying to convince someone, who has clearly stated that they do not want a romantic relationship, to be with you.

At the end of the day, the bolded is 100% all the matters. You need to learn to let it go. You'll never have all the answers nor can you be certain the ones you are given are really all that accurate or significant. And, frankly, she doesn't owe you any. What's certain is she's not interested or she'd otherwise still be dating you.

 

Sorry it didn't work out, but particularly considering how short a time it was, you gotta move on.

[SherrySher]

Nothing to lose in telling her to get a hold of you if she's ever ready for a relationship, however, don't sit there alone and wait for her. Go on with your life, go on dates. You can't stop your life either.

[cousin]

Nothing to lose in telling her to get a hold of you if she's ever ready for a relationship, however, don't sit there alone and wait for her. Go on with your life, go on dates. You can't stop your life either.

 

Thank you for all your advice. I'm going to wait for her to contact me next week. I'm going to tell her goodbye, and tell her to contact me when she's ready for a relationship. She doesn't think she's still stuck on her ex, but she really is.

[cousin]

Nothing to lose in telling her to get a hold of you if she's ever ready for a relationship, however, don't sit there alone and wait for her. Go on with your life, go on dates. You can't stop your life either.

 

I told her I was going to jump back on dating sites soon. She said, "if it makes you feel better, I'm not. She also said to "take my time."

[Tanzi]

I told her I was going to jump back on dating sites soon. She said, "if it makes you feel better, I'm not. She also said to "take my time."

 

And what did you take her comments to imply?

[Hollyj]

I told her I was going to jump back on dating sites soon. She said, "if it makes you feel better, I'm not. She also said to "take my time."

 

That was a manipulative move. But, it doesn't really matter, as she does not want to move forward in a romantic relationship. The sooner you accept this, the better.