She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

[cousin]

You're not really walking away if you tell her she can come back. Walk away and mean it. No pleading, no negotiating. She already knows if she wants you, she can contact you. Telling her she can contact you under terms you set, doesn't make you look strong. It borders on begging. Drop of the laptop, smiled, and say 'have a nice day'. And really, really walk away. No gamesmanship or chitter chatter. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I have no clue what I'm gonna do now. She texted me yesterday afternoon. She is meeting coworkers after work. Tuesday is the only day she doesn't have her kids besides this weekend. I tried calling her to see if the weekend would be better, but she didn't answer. Didn't read my texts either.

[cousin]

"I will fix it."

 

I agree that this is a good thing to do as a man, because real men do what they say they're going to do.

 

I plan on repairing the laptop today.

[cousin]

You're not really walking away if you tell her she can come back. Walk away and mean it. No pleading, no negotiating. She already knows if she wants you, she can contact you. Telling her she can contact you under terms you set, doesn't make you look strong. It borders on begging. Drop of the laptop, smiled, and say 'have a nice day'. And really, really walk away. No gamesmanship or chitter chatter. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I had no plans to talk to her anymore. Now that she has called, I don't know what I want. She didn't answer my phone call last night or read my texts confirming meeting up.

[cousin]

What you're saying is good food for thought, but I still like my suggested strategy a little more because it lays down rules. The thing with me is this: If a girl is contacting me who has been playing hard to get and all that, and the situation is going nowhere, I'm not going to ignore her. I'm going to say something. If you don't say the right thing, then you leave the lines of communication open, which I don't want with some woman who I feel is toying with me. So I say something along the lines of "Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again, because as I've said, I can't do texting buddies, friends, etc." Then you walk away and never ever contact her ever again. If she then contacts me, I say, "Well, presumably you're ready to get on another date since you're reaching out to me." If she says yes, I go on the date and treat it as a first date, having fun and all that. If she says no, I say, "Well, like I said, I'm not going to do friends because not being able to spank you, for instance, is going to drive me crazy, so I'll ask again that you respect my wish and only contact me if you want to hang out such that there aren't any rules against smackin' that behind of yours."

That's just an example, but I think it's more direct than ignoring a woman and disappearing.

 

Of course Cousin can decide the best route at his own discretion. Perhaps there are benefits to simply giving her the laptop and ignoring her calls/texts afterward.

 

I think I'm going to tell her today that I can't be her friend. I wish I would not have answered the phone. She got my hopes up. Yesterday afternoon, she texted me we that could still meet today, but it would have to be early because she had plans with coworkers after work. I tried texting her and calling last night to see if she wanted to reschedule. She didn't answer the phone or read the texts. She told me on the phone Sunday that she was having problems getting texts. We'll see if she responds today.

'

[cousin]

I understand. If you're going to do that, I would keep it short.

 

"Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again"

vs.

"Please only contact me if you want to start seeing each other again, because as I've said, I can't do texting buddies, friends, etc."

 

There's a very subtle but important difference, I think. To me, the first one seems more decisive and strong. I would also add, if you made it clear to a woman the only contact you will accept is a clear signal they want to date, and they contact you, you ignore them. Don't ask them to respect your wish. Ignore them. You may unwittingly be getting drawn into a game. I can't stress enough, it's about action, what you do, not what you say. Good luck.

 

We went about four days without contact before she called me Sunday. I spoke to a female friend about my ex calling me Sunday. She told me to ignore her because she just wants attention. I'm thinking my friend is right. I'm not sure if I want to tell her to not contact me until she wants to date again, or just ignore her.

[Sportster2005]

I had no plans to talk to her anymore. Now that she has called, I don't know what I want. She didn't answer my phone call last night or read my texts confirming meeting up.

 

Throw her laptop in the mail and be done with it.

[Sportster2005]

We went about four days without contact before she called me Sunday. I spoke to a female friend about my ex calling me Sunday. She told me to ignore her because she just wants attention. I'm thinking my friend is right. I'm not sure if I want to tell her to not contact me until she wants to date again, or just ignore her.

 

She seems to have no interest in you. Communicating with her at all is just going to start to make you look pathetic. Not trying to be harsh, but it's really time to move on and completely dump this gal. If she wants you, she'll let you know. There's nothing you can say or do at this point.

[Mari]

I think I'm going to tell her today that I can't be her friend. I wish I would not have answered the phone. She got my hopes up. Yesterday afternoon, she texted me we that could still meet today, but it would have to be early because she had plans with coworkers after work. I tried texting her and calling last night to see if she wanted to reschedule. She didn't answer the phone or read the texts. She told me on the phone Sunday that she was having problems getting texts. We'll see if she responds today.

'

 

I recommend not getting your hopes up for any reason other than her telling you that she would like to date again. If you accept that then it shouldn't make a difference if she calls or not. This also means you stop waiting for her to call or text you or you trying to find hidden meaning behind her actions.

 

Other than that I recommend keeping an open line of communication. This is in the event that both you and her do line up in being single and wanting to date each other.

 

Also, I recommend not jumping to conclusions as to what she wants and why. It is not verifiable that she is just seeking attention from you, there are just too many possibilities as to what it could be for someone to guess that that's the reason. You cannot know that she has no interest in you, this is again not verifiable. She may have interest in you and may be too worried about screwing it up. She may have a friend that tells her she went too fast and she's only going with guys that want to use her. And so now she's asking for a friendship to make sure you're not just interested in her for one reason. Maybe her friend is giving similar negative advice saying if you don't do a friendship then really you were just after one thing. Or that if you don't fix the laptop then you claim that you'll do it as long as you're getting what you want.

 

So my recommendation is to fix the laptop because you said you would, next, drop it off and see her in person. Then tell her face to face that you have too many feelings for you to drop your relationship to a friendship where you watch her date someone else and you're going to need no contact to heal first. This is because she called you and it would be nice to end this face to face. The rest you don't have to worry about what she thinks, if she'll go for it, or does she want to be friends. You cannot know her reaction and it's best to not worry about it or wait and wonder and analyze her response.

[ManyDates]

Why is this thread still going? She's on match, wearing dresses you helped her pick out - and she's just going to give the next guy the same treatment as she did you and the ones before you. Don't fix the laptop, she used you and continues too (and there will be MANY). I agree with the above, toss the thing in the mail and get over this.

[cousin]

Why is this thread still going? She's on match, wearing dresses you helped her pick out - and she's just going to give the next guy the same treatment as she did you and the ones before you. Don't fix the laptop, she used you and continues too (and there will be MANY). I agree with the above, toss the thing in the mail and get over this.

 

She's not on Match anymore. I checked today. Yesterday, we had a short text conversation. She said that I had been coming on too strong before. I wanted to argue that she was the one that came on strong, but I didn't. I just told her thank you for letting me know rather than ignoring me.

[cousin]

I recommend not getting your hopes up for any reason other than her telling you that she would like to date again. If you accept that then it shouldn't make a difference if she calls or not. This also means you stop waiting for her to call or text you or you trying to find hidden meaning behind her actions.

 

Other than that I recommend keeping an open line of communication. This is in the event that both you and her do line up in being single and wanting to date each other.

 

Also, I recommend not jumping to conclusions as to what she wants and why. It is not verifiable that she is just seeking attention from you, there are just too many possibilities as to what it could be for someone to guess that that's the reason. You cannot know that she has no interest in you, this is again not verifiable. She may have interest in you and may be too worried about screwing it up. She may have a friend that tells her she went too fast and she's only going with guys that want to use her. And so now she's asking for a friendship to make sure you're not just interested in her for one reason. Maybe her friend is giving similar negative advice saying if you don't do a friendship then really you were just after one thing. Or that if you don't fix the laptop then you claim that you'll do it as long as you're getting what you want.

 

So my recommendation is to fix the laptop because you said you would, next, drop it off and see her in person. Then tell her face to face that you have too many feelings for you to drop your relationship to a friendship where you watch her date someone else and you're going to need no contact to heal first. This is because she called you and it would be nice to end this face to face. The rest you don't have to worry about what she thinks, if she'll go for it, or does she want to be friends. You cannot know her reaction and it's best to not worry about it or wait and wonder and analyze her response.

 

Thank you for your reply. I haven't been waiting around to see if she contacts me. I was shocked when she called this past Sunday. I had truly expected to never talk to her again. I have been talking and meeting other women. I've been in a great mood the last few days. I've started enjoying my hobbys again. I've been wanting to talk to her face to face for since the last time I saw her. I wussed out the last time. I'm afraid of pushing her to meet soon since she literally told me yesterday that I had been coming on too strong. Her time is extremely limited. That's why I am pushy sometimes. She only has every other weekend and one day a week when she doesn't have her kids or is at church.

[cousin]

She seems to have no interest in you. Communicating with her at all is just going to start to make you look pathetic. Not trying to be harsh, but it's really time to move on and completely dump this gal. If she wants you, she'll let you know. There's nothing you can say or do at this point.

 

Thank you. I'm trying. Things are starting to get back to normal for me. I don't plan on contacting her anymore unless she contacts me first again.

[cousin]

Fixed her laptop. Took it to her house. Fixed her TV while I was there. Was there for about twenty minutes. I could tell she didn't want me to be there. I told her I wasn't happy that I drove 30 miles and she didn't want me to be there. Didn't raise my voice or act angry. I just said maybe we'll hang out Thursday. She said she had a hair appointment. I said I don't think we'll see each other again. She was stone faced. Barely said anything. Gave her a hug and left.

 

She called me shortly after , and we had our first argument. I told her about all the red flags I had ignored. I never raised my voice. She would only say, "I'm sorry if I upset you" over and over. She displayed no emotion. Those anxiety pills have made her become like a zombie. I think she's increased the dosage since the wedding. We've never had a real conversation via the phone or in person before. It had always been via text. This felt pretty good.

 

I've got a second date with a woman this week. I just hate the way things ended with the other woman. She won't acknowledge me every time I tell her she used me as a rebound. It's frustrating.

[Mari]

It looks like her ex was a pretty big issue for her. I don't know the side effects of the anxiety pills but it doesn't seem she's in a good place right now. Good luck with your life.

[cousin]

It looks like her ex was a pretty big issue for her. I don't know the side effects of the anxiety pills but it doesn't seem she's in a good place right now. Good luck with your life.

 

Thank you for all of your advice. She sent me an email today. Long story short, she finally admitted that she is still "working through issues." I told her that the door is always open if she gets past the issues, but I have already started seeing other women.

[Mari]

Thank you for all of your advice. She sent me an email today. Long story short, she finally admitted that she is still "working through issues." I told her that the door is always open if she gets past the issues, but I have already started seeing other women.

 

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you left the door open. If things don't work out in the future for either of you and she deals with her issues then perhaps this relationship will be an option again. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.