Is there a chance of getting back if the other person does not love you anymore?

[bbogdanov]

Hi, I hope you people can help me out with my questions, as I live in a small european contry where there are not many places a man can get help/advice from.

 

My girfriend broke me up 2 months ago, after being together for 3.5 years. Our relationship was not the best as we were often fighting about her appearance and job, which I didn't like much. I have make her angry/sad a lot of times during these fights and sometimes I was even rude to her (verbally). She did love me with all her heart but I was always somehow distant and not giving her the love and attention she needed. I did not kiss/hug her often, did not encourage her in her development, didn't care about seeing each other more often (we were together 2-3 times a week at most)... In a few words - she was constantly fighting for our relationship to grow up (she wanted to live together, to have a family, kids, etc.) and was compromising many times, while I was somewhat detached, selfish, lazy. I took her for granted and didn't do anything to keep the relationship alive, to nourish it, to accept her for what she is. A month before the breakup we fought again and I didn't talk to her for a week, as I was angry/irritated again (I had made it many times during our relationship, I get angry like a child and cut away contact with the other person for days Looks like then she decided she had enough of my s**t (sorry) and gave me (or maybe herself) a last chance to see/feel if the things can get sorted out, something like a "test" for both of us (I learned for that "chance" after we broke up). So she tested me for a month, tested my behaviour, tested my attachment to her, tested my willingness to show closeness and tenderness, tested what would our co-existence look like if we were family... Of course, I failed totally at that test as I was "myself" - the old selfish, uninterested, lazy, demanding person that she knew very well already. And one beautiful day a month later she just told me she does not want to be in that relationship anymore, she does not love me anymore as I had "killed" the love, she wants to be free and feel calm because she was exhausted of all our fighting through the years as well as her constant "fight" for me giving her some attention, appreciation and love. No need to say I panicked and made all the classic mistakes - begging, pleading, asking for a chance, using pity... All this for well over a month - I was texting her, I was calling her, I was sending her flowers, I was visiting her job to see her and talk for hours. She just got more and more angry and distant as I pushed the things too far. Eventually I managed to get her out on a dinner when we talked like friends, like nothing happened, and we had some fun time, laughing and talking about all things of life but nothing personal. I then asked her out again a week later but she did not accept as she knew I wanted to be together again. She told me there's no point in going out as this will not change her feelings towards me. I decided it's time to let myself heal and improve so I started no-contact and started enjoying life. Renewed my swim lessons (which i stopped for two months as i was depressed and didn't want to do anything), started learning how to cook started going out with my friends to have fun, something I haven't done in years... I feel a lot better now, although I remember our good things sometimes and feel sad for a while. I plan to reach out to her at the beginning of March as a last resort for me, although I am not optimistic about it at all... Do you think I can make her want me again as a romantic partner? I know I have made many mistakes but I will change and I AM changing now. She just doesn't want to "see" my change, she told me before that it was too late for her

[Lostinlove31]

Classic mistake. You demonstrated change after the breakup and not during the relationship when there was discussion, and that made her most likely mad.

 

Also you pursued her after the fact which is going to push her away. You want to demonstrate change when it is too late.

 

When people demonstrate change after a lost it shows them that you didn't care. So the best thing to do is show them you have respect and stop contacting her. You look desperate and you are continuing to push her away.

 

Work on yourself so the next person that comes along doesn't feel the way you made her.

 

Learn from this and fix it.

[pippy longstocking]

Is there a chance of getting back if the other person does not love you anymore?

 

Would you ?

 

Would you want to spend your life with a person you don't love . I know I wouldn't and couldn't . It is so painful but you have to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel .

[bbogdanov]

Classic mistake. You demonstrated change after the breakup and not during the relationship when there was discussion, and that made her most likely mad.

 

Also you pursued her after the fact which is going to push her away. You want to demonstrate change when it is too late.

 

When people demonstrate change after a lost it shows them that you didn't care. So the best thing to do is show them you have respect and stop contacting her. You look desperate and you are continuing to push her away.

 

Work on yourself so the next person that comes along doesn't feel the way you made her.

 

Learn from this and fix it.

 

So I don't have a chance, right?

[bbogdanov]

Would you ?

 

Would you want to spend your life with a person you don't love . I know I wouldn't and couldn't . It is so painful but you have to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel .

 

Hey, I didn't say I don't love her She is the one that "lost" her feelings.

[Lostinlove31]

Not now... you have to move forward. She can always come back later... but don't put all your eggs in that basket.

[Trinity11]

Lostinlove31 it didn't sound like they had a conversation about it, before she gave him his "chance"? Just fighting which I'm not sure what that was about.

Is that right OP?

 

I will add if someone ignored me for days I would not want to be with them. What did she do so that you thought she deserves that ?

[bbogdanov]

Understood! I am definitely going to continue my life without her in my mind, but just have that little hope I can make her attracted to me again in the near future. I know I've been terrible partner and take all the responsibility for the relationship failure. I want again to be the man she made plans for the future with and whom she loved unconditionally.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are quite incompatible and not on the same page in the relationship. How old is she? It sounds like after 3.5 years, she wanted commitment family, etc. and you did not.

 

You did the right things going no contact staying busy etc. What didn't you like about her appearance or job?

we were often fighting about her appearance and job, which I didn't like much..she wanted to live together, to have a family, kids, etc. she just told me she does not want to be in that relationship anymore, she does not love me anymore as I had "killed" the love, she wants to be free and feel calm because she was exhausted of all our fighting.

[Lostinlove31]

Lostinlove31 it didn't sound like they had a conversation about it, before she gave him his "chance"?

 

Without assuming much but based off the original post it seemed that there was conversations. 3.5 years together and they had discussed issues. The problem is they did discuss and everytime it was brought up that was the chance.to demonstrate change... however if it always ended with fighting which i will assume is how it went then those were the chances that were given.

[Wiseman2]

You were emotionally abusive to her and she doesn't have to take you back out of pity. She knows if she does, you will resort to jerking her around again.

 

She also gave you too many changes and you continued to squander them, refusing to step up and be a good man. See this as a lesson that you can't treat anyone like trash and expect them to stick around. Work on your anger, drinking/drugs and attitude.

I know I've been terrible partner and take all the responsibility for the relationship failure. I want again to be the man she made plans for the future with and whom she loved unconditionally.

[pippy longstocking]

Hey, I didn't say I don't love her She is the one that "lost" her feelings.

 

I know , I was trying to give it you from another perspective .......

[angrythoughts]

I didn't even read the post. I just want to answer the question you asked in your title... the answer is no. If someone no longer has feeling for you why would they want to get back together?

 

Keep busy and move on from this person. Go NC.

[bbogdanov]

Thanks everybody for the comments! I appreciate them! Now a little more information:

I am 29, she is 27.

We had conversations many times through the years. Two things i didn't like about my ex: her appearance and her job.

FIRST - her appearance. I've been raised by my family to be a good-looking man and take care of every detail that is up to me - being well-dressed, being clean, being shaved, etc. All the basic thing that makes a man look neat. I can say that sometimes I am a little bit pedantic about my appearance as well. I love spending money on new clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. My ex is totally oposite, especially for a woman! She is careless, negligent about her appearance. She doesn't do any of the "normal" things that most women do about that - getting a manicure/pedicure, going to the hairdresser's, buying nice clothes, etc. She does nothing to show her beauty at its best. Maybe I am wrong, but i do think the woman should be more caring about herself... In the beginning i tried to give her slight hints about that, tried to make her want it herself, not to impose my opinion. It just didn't happen though and I started telling her my honest opinion. She really tried to do something about it but it was just not her "thing".

SECOND - her job. She had a dream of making her own flower shop as she is a florist and she did eventually. From that moment on I felt I was on my own... She worked 12 hours a day, every day except Sunday (then about 6-8 hours) for two years (the last two year of our relationship). There was just not enough time for us being together. She concentrated on her job and although she was always telling me that we can see after work, I just did not feel satisfied with such "crumbs" of time, I wanted to share more time together. I wanted to go on holidays, to go to different places. I felt i am competing with her job for her time/love. I really got very angry at her and her work.

 

These two things are what we were fighting for every time. As I said after some of the fights i felt bitterness and did not want to hear from her for days. It may be childish but I really felt that way. I guess that was my way to cope with things, shut down myself. This of course made us completely distant and I guess we lost connection, attraction, trust... I wanted a family with her but not in such a situation, it turns out I made my love conditional I guess... All she wanted from me is to love her, to be tender, to give her support in life, especially for her job. I guess I was really emotionally abusive to her. I made her cry many times, even without saying or doing anything. I know I had many chances but i failed. It WILL be a lesson for me. I cannot say I am a bad person, I am not an angry person, I don't drink, smoke, take drugs or anything like that.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but you sound too narcissistic to have satisfying relationships. You will always be upset that someone is not bolstering your image or making you the center of her universe.

FIRST - her appearance. She doesn't do any of the "normal" things that most women do about that - getting a manicure/pedicure, going to the hairdresser's, buying nice clothes, etc.

SECOND - she is a florist and she did eventually. From that moment on I felt I was on my own... She worked 12 hours a day,

[Billie28]

Understood! I am definitely going to continue my life without her in my mind, but just have that little hope I can make her attracted to me again in the near future. I know I've been terrible partner and take all the responsibility for the relationship failure. I want again to be the man she made plans for the future with and whom she loved unconditionally.

 

She didn't love you unconditionally.

That's why she left. She had conditions that you didn't live up to.

Let her go and learn from it.

Relationships and people can't be taken for granted.

Keep doing what you are doing so that you are better prepared for your next relationship.

[bbogdanov]

Sorry to say, but you sound too narcissistic to have satisfying relationships. You will always be upset that someone is not bolstering your image or making you the center of her universe.

 

I don't know if I explained the situation correctly as english is not my native language. But I don't think I am narcissistic (if I understand correctly) what narcissistic is). I don't think of me as someone extraordinary, I don't even know if I love myself and what does that mean at all? I don't want my partner to bolster my image in front of the world, absolutely not! I want to see the femininity and beauty of a woman at its best, i hate carelessnes/negligence in people. I want it for myself. I also don't want her to make me centre of her universe - I just want enough time to share as a couple, enough time to enjoy together. Otherwise I don't see what bond can we have, what connection and attraction could we have?

[boltnrun]

So basically you want her to make major changes to herself in order to make YOU happy.

 

Sounds awful selfish.

 

Leave her alone. She'll find someone who really does love her, not someone who wants to control her and be a dictator.

[bbogdanov]

She didn't love you unconditionally.

That's why she left. She had conditions that you didn't live up to.

Let her go and learn from it.

Relationships and people can't be taken for granted.

Keep doing what you are doing so that you are better prepared for your next relationship.

 

She loved me unconditionally for the time we were together. I mean she did not want from me to change something, she loved me for what I am and was making compromises. This is what I mean by saying "unconditionally". What were her conditions according to you? (I am asking as I said english is not my native language and I don't know if I understand everything correctly, there are some terms which I am not sure I get right)

[bbogdanov]

So basically you want her to make major changes to herself in order to make YOU happy.

 

Sounds awful selfish.

 

Leave her alone. She'll find someone who really does love her, not someone who wants to control her and be a dictator.

 

I didn't want her to make major changes?! Everybody in a relationship should make compromises. I didn't stop loving her because of the things i were not so happy about. I don't think I have controlled her, nor am I a dictator. She is very obstinate person and nobody can control her and make her do something she don't want to do.

[boltnrun]

Change her hair, makeup and clothing? Expecting her to spend less time at her dream business? All to make YOU feel better!

 

And you treated her crummy when she was with you. When she finally got fed up and left, suddenly it's all "oh, but I LOVE her!!!!"

 

Should've been nice to her when you had her. I wouldn't give you a second chance.

 

Next time, don't try to impose your ideas on how women "should" be onto someone. It's a love killer.

[bbogdanov]

I didn't say "change"... As for the time - I don't know how would you feel if you don't have time to share with your partner and you want to build a family. I just felt as if I was not in a relationship and I wanted to change that somehow. Take my point as well, she chose her job over me, that's what i felt and was not satisfied with the situation.

[Trinity11]

I got to say, the appearance and job...well. Do you know what happens to people who change things like appearance to satisfy a partner? usually that partner gets bored because they feel the don't respect themselves for doing whatever they say instead of being themselves.

 

The job, like many business startups does require time and effort to get going. Perhaps you could have found a way to spend time with her that involved helping her out a little?? I can say, it really does make a difference. I took on full time work and full time study and it was a temporary NIGHTMARE> But my ex even when i said I did not have time to do something, would come over with a bunch of groceries and make me dinner. He MADE a way to see me. I felt terrible i didnt have more time, but i was THRILLED to see him and so so grateful as i would not have made a proper dinner for myself at that time.

 

I know it is too late now, it does not sound like you were willing to compromise, but in your next relationship, if they are busy, think outside the box.

[bbogdanov]

I didn't want her to change her appearance for the sake of it. I wanted her to change her attitude towards her appearance, towards herself. I think a person who respects himself should not be negligent about his appearance, no matter if he is going to an official event or just going to the supermarket. He should be always neat, tidy, look and feel good. As for the business you are totally right - it requires time and efforts and I should have spent more time with her no matter what. I know very well my mistake with respect to that. I was not willing to compromise much maybe because I got into such situation for the first time in my life, I was used to share more time with my partners and the relationship to develop more "easy". Everybody makes mistakes, me also. I am not a bad person, I am searching for my happiness too.

[dakun]

Well..I'm one of girl who dont really spend time grooming myself.. How do you want her to feel "neat, tidy, look and feel good" when she already feel it?

I always say to those people who lecturing me to have a little more make up: "I don't need it. I feel confidence already. My action dont bother people around me and my job.. so what's the problem?"

Well some people just really need to force their opinion on others and cant accept that other person can feel good in a different way than theirs..

 

I didn't want her to change her appearance for the sake of it. I wanted her to change her attitude towards her appearance, towards herself. I think a person who respects himself should not be negligent about his appearance, no matter if he is going to an official event or just going to the supermarket. He should be always neat, tidy, look and feel good. As for the business you are totally right - it requires time and efforts and I should have spent more time with her no matter what. I know very well my mistake with respect to that. I was not willing to compromise much maybe because I got into such situation for the first time in my life, I was used to share more time with my partners and the relationship to develop more "easy". Everybody makes mistakes, me also. I am not a bad person, I am searching for my happiness too.