dakun

I'm feeling low today.. I always wish I just can hate you.. but I know I don't want my heart to be filled with hate.. it will eat my happiness.. I scream in my mind sometimes: "How can you be so cruel?! All those words were lies! You only think of yourself and not brave enough to face the consequences and leave me alone with desperation.. you coward man! All those love words were lies! You live in your fears and if you don't move from there, it will eat you! I've said you will regret this, you will really regret that you let me go as if it's easy for you to find someone like me who can fully accept you.. I'm counting my days to happiness.. your days to regret is counted.. I still can't believe you can do this to me.."

Day 2 It's 10 am here.. I should have written here last night but I'm too tired because of doing some Yoga and accidentally sleep.. Still strong.. didn't check his whatsapp.. But i feel a bit sad.. I know he's suffering from some kind of trauma that led him fail to see the meaning of true relationship.. I keep thinking if I can help him overcome it.. but again.. he should do it/find it himself.. I've left the clues.. if I ever help him, it should be after I am healed and happy myself..

Day 1 I'm proud I didnt check his whatsapp profile to see his last seen or whatsoever.. Have spoiled myself with back massage and reflexy massage.. Have blast conversation with old friends by phone.. had a lot of laugh

Day 0 Why? Because I contacted him today by email.. I send an article that I think could help his emotional problem.. My feeling? Well.. it's kinda mixed.. as I said before I think I already haave a closure.. I dont feel really regret.. I dont know but I think I feel a lot less feeling for him.. I'm doing nc because he seems dont want to communicate with me anymore.. But still several times a day, about 2-3 times I wonder if his whatsapp is active and I just go there to see his last seen hahaha.. is it considered breaking the rule? This probably because I dont friend him in social media, he doesnt have an account. Well it's actually great for my side.. Ok, I'll start counting again tommorrow.. I have to harden my determination.. I can do it..

Day 1 After 3 weeks always broke the NC once a week.. I want to challenge my self.. so last friday was the day I finally release the anger, asked forgiveness (though I'm the one most hurt by our canceled engagement) and forgive him.. I feel peace this 2 days but still sometimes miss him and think of the what if.. The last 3 weeks never been he contacted me first and rarely respond to my communication efforts, so I really need to go NC.. wish me luck guys..