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Trinity11

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  1. Rose Mosse Yes he's def a generally highly anxious person. He's strong in his opinions and yes sometimes I really don't understand him. I thought the "different with friends" was a PDA thing, but now from what he's said it's more of a backing him up/time spent with him/laughing at his lame/crass jokes thing. I really don't get what he expects, I don't think I act differently than I normally would (although now I guess I'm not single so that's a transition) I would say I'm quietly confident, however my confidence dips at times of conflict, as I don't know how to deal with him when he is strong with his overthinking and views, I am not sure how to de-escalate. I feel he expects me just to know how/read his mind sometimes. He is in a time of transition with friends and work due to covid (and I am in a new city & don't know many people)so it's a strange time. As for the parent that he seeks approval from... He might work on the yard for instance, but rather than the parent saying "oh thanks that's great, you have got through a lot!" The parent will just harp on about another job that needs doing without acknowledging the work he said he did.
  2. Hey Rose Mosse, thoughtful questions. It happens around different groups of friends, not just one, he's known them for years whereas I don't know them that well. When I met his parents I definitely acted differently but that's because they joke about stuff that I find far more open than any other family I've encountered which shocked me a little in the beginning. He cares how his parents perceive our relationship too. Having said that, a lot of his anxiety is caused by his upbringing/family, they are often a cause of stress as most of the time they do not get along. I feel he seeks approval that I've seen first hand him not getting (rather than a thank you for a job, "what about" is common), so he rarely let's them do anything for him. The only thing I know about his past relationships is that more than one girl he has dated has gone off with someone else he knows, and one of those girls was quite a disfunctional relationship (it was years ago). Potentially it's rooted in trust issues?
  3. Dancing Fool- Very true! Lambert- I'm quite happy in my life and being single but this has been years in the making, covid was the catalyst for us getting together and giving it a real shot. Theres a time frame on this test run. I do find it odd to be worrying about whether other people think your relationship is going well or not though. SherrySher- Potentially bang on the money, I'll give it a shot, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable at all, I want my partner to be happy, but as I've been single for basically my whole life it's not second nature to me.
  4. Thanks for your replies everyone. We have been friends for 6 years (in different states) and have been dating seriously for only a few months, we currently live together. Mrs Canuck, He is not being treated for anxiety as while he knows he has it, i guess he feels it's manageable himself? I once suggested speaking with someone with no luck. Perhaps he does think about how we fit, but I do too at this stage. Smackie you may be right, I am probably not affectionate/attentive at all because it is pretty new to me to be in groups as a couple and I don't want ppl to feel uncomfortable. Rose Mosse, he's def thinks out loud a fair bit when processing, I don't so it's something I'm getting used to. Dancing Fool, you make some excellent points. Insecurity is for sure a cause, I just don't know where it comes from (baggage?) What makes it difficult is that he won't be direct with what he needs or would like (ie affection). You are also correct he shouldnt make me feel responsible for his feelings, we are both learning about each other and both trying to be better people, although this is one issue that I'm a bit lost over.
  5. Hi bit of a strange one. I am dating an extrovert who suffers from anxiety (we are in our 30s) Theres a reoccuring issue which is he is fixated on what others think of our relationship. He believes that I act differently in a group of his friends (I am new to his city) than I do with him. He says while I'm fine talking with members of the group, but when it is all of us, this is when he thinks I act differently? He believes this leads them to think there are issues/we are not happy and he doesn't get that couple-y feeling when out. I tell him it's not their business anyway and I doubt people really think about our relationship that much and we know things are great (we are happy) so what does it matter? This does not soothe him. Im not really sure what he is talking anyway, as I don't think I act differently at all aside from perhaps being a little more shy as I don't have the history/friendship level with his friends as I do with mine (who live in my previous home state) I asked him what he expects as maybe it is just I am not aware/not giving him enough attention (I've been single for some time) but he wasn't really able to give me an answer. He sometimes mentions that people will think the same thing about his previous relationships - so I suspect it's some past baggage he is insecure about? Has anyone else dealt with something like this? It kinda gets me down when he suggests we can't/we aren't good hanging in a group.
  6. I understand your frustration, but it sounds like you head into a date with expectations, personally that would make me feel quite uncomfortable. As other have said, just feel things out, find a way to find out what they are looking for in general (keep in mind they probably won't know what they want from YOU yet while they are trying learn who you are and how you might fit in their life)
  7. The best sex I've ever had was with a guy who was the least endowed. He was very passionate, into it and knew how to work his positions to best suit me. He was something to behold. It might be general sexual incompatibility. One guy i was with was lovely, but useless in bed, a bit like a slug, I tried guide him along, but there is only so much one can do. We were not compatible.
  8. Ive had it since i was 14. I ws never overweight although my weigh did fluctuate as a teen. I just dont have the worlds best skin. I have it behind my knees, thighs, bum, boobs. Thats life. Now im older, you know what i learned. No one actually cares. They will love you up regardless, they won't even notice it. Im almost 40 and i have lots of zits still...lucky huh! The person who notices it the most...me! Who needs superficial friends?? Guess what...they will get old one day and have imperfections. What then!?? Forget them, love yourself. No one is perfect.
  9. TOTALLY what a novel. All you needed to say was, I've had a lovely time with you, but I don't wish to pursue things further romantically at this time. It does not sound in this case you even want a casual fling because you aren't that attracted to her, so don't bother saying you are not looking for a relationship/only want casual. The more honest you are, the better we will all be.
  10. Nope Nope nope nope Please believe me when I say if you get this drama out of your life, you will be much happier. This has all been taking its toll on you for awhile and you are NORMALIZING it. It's not normal and you need to look out for yourself, the longer you leave it the harder it will be because he is MANIPULATING you. He can suit himself, honestly if a friend told you all this. you would say GTFOOOOOOO
  11. Guys watch porn. Doesn't mean he wants to be with the girls in the video or that he loves you any less. You were busy doing your hair and he was procrastinating because honestly sometimes study sucks and any kind of procrastination is a good way to avoid the hard work in front of you for 5 mins (not going to lie, I've done it myself and I am a girl). The fact that he chose to do it at the time you were busy, shows he knows that it would have upset you and was trying NOT to upset you, because honestly its a big ask of you. Yes overreacting.
  12. But have you TOLD her that you plan on not answering her attempts at contact and stuck with it?? Shes contacting you because she is use to having you there and now does not and its uncomfortable . Also if you do think you might like to reconcile and there were issues with the relationship I would definitely give it more than 3 weeks. You need more time to stop focusing your thought on the other person and start getting introspective, then once you do that, then you still need to work out those things that you did that can be improved and trust they have done the same. If she keeps reaching out, she is not working on herself and you are just getting distracted.
  13. You are smarter than you think. Abuse never happens in one fell swoop, but happens gradually over a period of time. Get in touch with family, old friends, make new friends via clubs or even support groups. Don't be embarrassed to tell them what happened. If they are your friends I am sure they weren't blind to what was happening and will be glad to have you back and on the right track. Don't date someone until you can establish normal trusting friendships again or you may fall into another bad relationship out of habit. Good luck, we are all rooting for you! Things can only get better!
  14. lucid, maybe just straight up tell her you need your space and need to go no contact for your own healing. It's nothing personal, but something you both need to get over this. Then, if she contacts you and you don't answer, she won't be surprised. Answering is not helping her btw. But maybe give her a heads up first. Also, pretty simple. She wants your attention. Don't give it to her unless you plan on getting back together, its pointless.
  15. Thanks everyone for your kind words. Abitbroken - Totally! that was my reaction! Look me up later! He said I took it the wrong way... But to me, space is space and if someome needs it, they should take all of it! (just wasn't sure about handling media ) 🙂 I won't be holding out. Yes, it could take some time,who the hell knows. He says he hopes ill want to catch up when he feels better, I just said I hope so too. He does have a couple thighs to sort when he gets back and I def think it's better for me not to be involved until after that time. How we came together - We live in a small town and have crossed paths over the years but similar interests and values brought us together recently to explore friendship. It just turned out that out we relate in a way that's a bit deeper. I have not yet "fallen" for him but appreciate that we are on the same wavelength in style of communication, frequency, location values etc. He has made it clear he wants me in his future, but of course this can change over the course of time. I do not wish to be moulded, quite the opposite. I hope he will feel himself again and put his best foot forward. I am the one who has stepped back despite him still contacting me. Re media - SGH you're right. He can show me his holiday directly if he wants, but perhaps it's best for me to not watch the stories (media is new to me in this sense). It will give him space and prevent me from fantasy attachment. Edit- Ms Canuck. Very cut and dry, but yes you are correct. Neither of us are going anywhere so there's no rush and I should try not to give it/him any more thought.
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