Am I asking for too much too soon? Help!

[Tanzi]

Five months isn't very long. At this stage you should still be enjoying the relationship instead of trying to rush things to the next level.

 

The next man you date will most likely feel the same at this stage. Jumping from one relationship to another in the hope of finding someone to marry you will only end in disaster.

 

You really need to relax and just enjoy the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

I really hope you can see the archetype you're fitting pretty much exact right now. It's pretty cringworthy.

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[Matt3939]

Some things that move to fast crash and burn. It might seem like forever but to him he's dealt with alot. You are lucky he hasn't taken it totally off the table. I know some successful men they never remarried. What if he thru a prenuptial out there would you go for that? If he is into you sounds like he is. He sounds also like he told you straight up truth. You guys are exclusive if you go out and start dating other men then it's over. Good luck

[jackiedavis]

I really just wanted to know that things are moving to a certain direction. The reason why I take care of him is because I know he doesn't have time to. I do think he trusts me quite a bit, I am the first girl he introduced to his kids. I could care less about his money, in fact when I first met him I told him I never wanted to date a doctor bcuz they have such limited time but he told me he can handle it. I wasn't looking for a ring today just wanted to know it would happen one day, and at the same time don't want to waste time. I was very hesitant to date him from the beginning, my first thread about him proves this. But I did give it a chance and now I'm inlove and don't want to move on. I know we have something very special but need to be patient. Unfortunately that is not a strong quality of mine.

[jackiedavis]

And I'm not the first woman he has dated since his separation/divorce. He said I am the first real relationship and the first very special girl he has met

[jackiedavis]

I am also a very social person and have many friends, but he was the one who didn't like me going out, he wanted me home. He even gets jealous when my boss talks to me. He is very possessive at times

[Batya33]

I really just wanted to know that things are moving to a certain direction. The reason why I take care of him is because I know he doesn't have time to. I do think he trusts me quite a bit, I am the first girl he introduced to his kids. I could care less about his money, in fact when I first met him I told him I never wanted to date a doctor bcuz they have such limited time but he told me he can handle it. I wasn't looking for a ring today just wanted to know it would happen one day, and at the same time don't want to waste time. I was very hesitant to date him from the beginning, my first thread about him proves this. But I did give it a chance and now I'm inlove and don't want to move on. I know we have something very special but need to be patient. Unfortunately that is not a strong quality of mine.

 

Of course he has time to take care of himself -or he has $ to hire someone to cook/clean, etc. - what did he do before he met you? You enjoy what you know of his kids -lovely. You are not their mother or in the role of a mother -you are their Daddy's friend and you hang out with them sometimes and help get them things. Then you get to go home. It's great that you enjoy them in that way and that has little to do with the responsibilities of having a caregiver role. I agree entirely with abitbroken.

[jackiedavis]

When did I ever say I was their mother or want to be there mother. Please don't say things you know nothing about. I take care of him because I love him. No one is trying to be his kids mother but I do care about them and enjoy kids so I am nice to them as anyone should do.

[RainyCoast]

how come you feel certain you want to marry this guy 5 months in? is that enough for you to sign up for life? yet, he strikes you as possessive and jealous?

[abitbroken]

When did I ever say I was their mother or want to be there mother. Please don't say things you know nothing about. I take care of him because I love him. No one is trying to be his kids mother but I do care about them and enjoy kids so I am nice to them as anyone should do.

 

I wasn't saying you were. I was saying that men more then women if they have kids, a demanding job and are divorced or widowed tend to usher a new woman in to fill some of the role vs going through a slower getting to know you dating process because they are used to having a woman in that role. And then its hard to backup into traditional, slower dating.

 

I am also a very social person and have many friends, but he was the one who didn't like me going out, he wanted me home. He even gets jealous when my boss talks to me. He is very possessive at times

 

Okay that's not good. You SHOULD go out with your friends - not clubbing, but catching up with a friend for coffee, seeing a performance, etc. And that's not good for him to be getting jealous over your boss. Perhaps this is one of the reasons for his divorce? If he is controling after 5 months, it WILL get worse!

[jackiedavis]

Abitbroken I was referring to Batya saying I was trying to be there mother. Sorry but I am not that pathetic, they have a mother and I would never want to take that role in there life. However I will always care about them as a friend. He's fine with me having coffee etc with friends but doesn't like me going out and getting drunk etc with friends. He has calmed down quite a bit and now isn't as possessive maybe bcuz I don't give any reason to be

[kktang]

OP I remember seeing your older thread about egg freezing, seriously go take care of that ASAP it will benefit your current or future relationships. Even this guy tell you today he can see the two of you getting marry in x months there are still way too many time for things to go south and you can't take him to court for broken promise.

[jackiedavis]

Yup I think you're right. I guess I'm just scared to get it done, with the fertility shots and all

[janut1]

I got annoyed just reading this post about marriage plans and pushing to see him all the time and kids calling you momma.

 

It sounds to me that you would marry him today if he asked. 5 months is not enough time to know anyone let alone talk about marriage. That is moving way to fast and sounds so desperate and sad.

Go freeze your eggs and calm way down. If I were him I would of told you to either relax or leave. This is too much too soon.

[Batya33]

When did I ever say I was their mother or want to be there mother. Please don't say things you know nothing about. I take care of him because I love him. No one is trying to be his kids mother but I do care about them and enjoy kids so I am nice to them as anyone should do.

 

Because you didn't correct her when she called you "momma" and because you wrote that you take care of him because he can't take care of himself. Your words. Not mine.

[jackiedavis]

His son called me momma and I was so surprised I didn't know what to say, he's freakin 5 years old!!

 

Also I never said for him to marry me, I just want to make sure this is going in the right direction

[boltnrun]

Are you sure it's him you want, or are you just excited because you think you found a man who's willing to "give" you the marriage and baby you so fervently want?

 

And no way can he "know" five months in if you two will get married some day. He just cannot possibly know that at this early time.

 

What time frame do you think is reasonable for someone to "know" they will marry someone? Three months? Six months? Because yes, there are some successful marriages that happen very quickly after meeting, but those are pretty rare. And BOTH parties were sure they wanted marriage, not just one of them.

[abitbroken]

His son called me momma and I was so surprised I didn't know what to say, he's freakin 5 years old!!

 

Also I never said for him to marry me, I just want to make sure this is going in the right direction

 

That's why communication is good. I would address the issue of what his child called you IF he also heard it and said "would it be alright if you asked your kids to call me Jackie or Miss Jackie to clear up any confusion with them..." Heck, little preschool kids accidentally call their teachers mommy or daddy, too.

 

If you talk about marriage in the very beginning - not to marry eachother but lay it out when you are first dating that you are ultimately looking to meet someone to marry and would like a child, and he tells you he is divorced with kids and does want to marry again someday and is open to another child if the woman he married had none, and you are dating, getting close, meeting his brother, close friends, etc, things are going in the right direction. That is the right direction after five months. The problem is you are a little too far in that direction for it only being 5 months and now you want reassurance.

 

Because you want reassurance he is taking a step back - please heed that. don't constantly check on things. if he is treating you respectfully, he includes you in holiday plans aside from what he does with the kids, etc, but the adult things - things are in the right direction.

[Batya33]

Here's the thing. Getting all defensive here is just self-sabotaging. Read what Janut wrote without getting defensive - it's a bit blunt but she is spot on. If you marry him fast and get pregnant fast understand he has an intense career and kids and an ex wife to deal with - are you ready for basically solo parenting?

[j.man]

Thing is you're not fooling us, him, or even yourself. You asked about the direction he'd like to go in. He told you and very plainly at that. He's interested in both another kid and marriage. He just can't commit to either so soon.

 

So it's not that you don't know the answer. It's that you don't like it. The archetype I was referring to wasn't so much you being after his money. I meant it as in women who kinda hover above looking for a household they can plop right into aren't exactly unicorns. And that is exactly what you're trying to do here. You thought cooking and earning his kid's affection would get both your feet in the door.

[abitbroken]

If you are worried about not having kids, i suggest you go to your gyno or fertility clinic without telling him and get checked out - see if your tubes are blocked or what. That way, when you do get married to him or someone else you will be that much farther ahead on things. You will already have had a procedure to unblock them or will know where you stand. If you are infertile because of blocked tubes, you might relax more knowing adoption is what you'll need to do, or if you can have your eggs frozen if they can be got to. Education is never wrong. and it might stop your clock ticking roll

[boltnrun]

From your previous posts about this man, it seems like you brought up marriage and babies pretty early on.

 

I mean, my ex husband and I discussed getting married and having kids SOMEDAY, with whomever we ended up marrying. We didn't actually get married until we'd been in a relationship for three years, and the first baby didn't come along for two more years. So discussing marriage and babies near the beginning didn't mean we were getting married and having a baby RIGHT NOW, but rather it was something we figured we'd do sometime in the undetermined future, and not necessarily with each other because we had no way of knowing that.

 

Maybe your boyfriend is concerned that it isn't HIM you love, but rather his sperm and a wedding ring.

[journeynow]

I want to hear he loves me more and that he misses me. He tells me he does, but most of the time I have to initiate.

 

Initiate the verbal expression of love and attachment, or initiate sex?

[abitbroken]

If you are worried about not having kids, i suggest you go to your gyno or fertility clinic without telling him and get checked out - see if your tubes are blocked or what. That way, when you do get married to him or someone else you will be that much farther ahead on things. You will already have had a procedure to unblock them or will know where you stand. If you are infertile because of blocked tubes, you might relax more knowing adoption is what you'll need to do, or if you can have your eggs frozen if they can be got to. Education is never wrong. and it might stop your clock ticking roll

 

I have a feeling if you are so eager to marry and have babies, you get married in haste and then can't conceive and it causes a strain. So its better to marry at leisure to someone that is the right fit and really loves you rather than to be speeding through.

[LadyAbbey31]

You say you "didn't ask for him to marry me, I just want to make sure it's heading in the right direction."

 

So you didn't want him to propose, you just wanted him to ensure you that one day he would? That's not being fair to him.

 

He told you already that not enough time has passed, and he is right. He is thinking straight. So stop telling him that enough time has passed for him to know where it's headed. He simply can't say yet. He told you he isn't ready to commit to a future. So stop pressuring him to. It's self-serving. Like 'j.man' said-He told you very plainly and very honestly how he felt. Listen to him, as you would want to be listened to. He deserves to have his feelings listened to and respected. If you love him, respect his honesty.

 

The fact that he hasn't been scared away yet shows that he truly does care about you and wants to continue the relationship. Please don't let the man you love get scared away because you were focused on the wrong thing. And focusing on the timeline of proposal/wedding/children after five months is focusing on the wrong thing. You should be focused on getting to know him, spending time with him (in a non-future obsessed way), and finding out over time in an organic way whether you really 'work' as a couple.

 

I'm still young enough to have a child but I'm no spring chicken either. I get that you're acting out of fear here, at least a little bit. But it doesn't sound like you have as much to worry about here as you think you do. My basic advice to you is to TRUST THAT HE LOVES YOU BACK JUST AS MUCH. Because if he loves you the same way you love him, every single thing that you seem to want so bad will happen on its own. You'll see.

 

So just chillax a bit, go watch a movie & snuggle up with your man and watch a movie or something. Take care & good luck