Am I asking for too much too soon? Help!

[jackiedavis]

Hi everyone, need a bit of advice. I have been dating a guy for about 5 months. Things started out great and things still seem great when we're together. I am inlove with this man and he says he loves me too. He is divorced and has two children. The children and I get along great and I am really starting to care for them a lot. He has his children part time (his ex wife and him share joint custody of the children).

 

Lately I have been feeling very attached and a bit clingy to him. I want to see him all the time but see him about 3-4 times a week. He is a very busy guy, he is a surgeon, has his kids and friends, family and me. Lately we have been getting into a few fights, I want to hear he loves me more and that he misses me. He tells me he does, but most of the time I have to initiate. We already act like a married couple, I stay at his house, cook for him and we just hang out in general. His youngest son is also somewhat attached to me, a few weeks ago he accidentally called me momma but he is only 5 years old and I didn't correct him but do think I should have. He also heard his son call me that, but didn't say anything to him.

 

So my problem is that last night I asked him about marriage and children. We have talked about children before and he said he would have another child with me when the time comes. Last night I told him that he never talks about marrying me and that makes me a bit insecure because my time is very precious. He told me does want to get married but doesn't feel sure about us getting married yet. He said he feels it hasn't been enough time and we need to be absolutely sure because he does not want to get divorced again and end up in the same situation. He said we still need more time to get to know each other. I do agree with him, but I just want to know that this is heading in that direction. Of course, things got a bit out of hand last night and I said thanks for breaking my heart. He replied this morning and said babe I don't want to break your heart, I was just being honest with you about not being sure yet and feel it hasn't been enough time, but I don't want to waste your time either. Let's talk about this tonight...

 

So now, my problem is I have no clue when this man is going to be ready. I am inlove with him and can see a future with him, he tells me he can too. A few weeks ago he said he was 90 percent sure we were going to get married and now I am getting this I'm not sure yet. What should I do? And what exactly does he want to talk to me about tonight? I had decided I was going to back off and maybe start dating other men. Is he trying to clear things up with me so we don't break up? I'm sooo confused..help

[RainyCoast]

he is being honest and rational and very nice about it. 5 months in you don't keep nagging will there be marriage.

[jackiedavis]

I just wanted to know that this was heading in that direction and that I'm not wasting my time..

[Wiseman2]

He's right. Calm down and don't blow this with pressure and anxiety. How is dating other men going to help this?

I have been dating a guy for about 5 months.He told me does want to get married but doesn't feel sure about us getting married yet. He said he feels it hasn't been enough time and we need to be absolutely sure because he does not want to get divorced again and end up in the same situation. He said we still need more time to get to know each other.

[Betterwithout]

Last night I told him that he never talks about marrying me and that makes me a bit insecure because my time is very precious.

 

Can I ask your age? Are you worried about the biological clock?

How long has he been divorced?

 

The discussion of marriage is a sensitive one for someone divorced. People need time between marriages.

The fact that you have met his kids and you get along well is a good sign.

[jackiedavis]

I am 38 years old and my bday is in 2 weeks, so I am turning 39. So yes my biological clock is an issue. He has been separated 3 years and been divorced a year..

[jackiedavis]

I don't want to waste my time on a man that is not sure, so maybe I should date other guys and keep my options open..

[jackiedavis]

He said he wants to make sure we are completely sure because he doesn't want to end up in a bad situation again and back to square 1.

[abitbroken]

Seeing someone 3-4 times a week this early on is fantastic and a lot! I think its awfully clingy and presumptious to expect someone to say they miss you when he sees you most of the week - and his time away from you is filled with saving people's lives and taking care of his children.

 

I think pressing about marriage is crazy at only 5 months. You should have talked about what you want someday for yourselves - that you are looking to marry and have kids - but if you expect him to talk about marrying you constantly, you are in for a surprise. He'll probably pull away from you. That's too much pressure and you will come across like a golddigger.

 

I think its too much too soon with the kids, too. I think that you should see him on the days he does NOT have the kids more often. Don't NOT see the kids because that would be too sudden and abrupt but you should have it so he has some time to himself, time with the kids alone, time with you alone. Its not fair for the kids.

 

So, you need to really get a grip if you want to stay in this relationship.

[abitbroken]

I don't want to waste my time on a man that is not sure, so maybe I should date other guys and keep my options open..

 

You are not wasting your time. You are riding him a little hard. If you ride him hard now, the relationship will end. No matter if the clock is ticking or not - you need to have dated at least a full year or two to get to know eachother before marriage. No guy with good boundaries is going to pop the question after 5 months. He has been divorced a year. Get through Christmas, etc, learn more about eachother. And don't push marriage. He knows you want to get married - so lay off and let him propose when the time is right. You are on the road to scaring the guy.

[jackiedavis]

Well he does have alone time with the kids, he's been alone with them twice this week. I make sure I give him time with them. But I do think he's having a hard time balancing everything. He told me last night that I'm a very important part of his life but he is trying to find a balance in life with kids, family, his gf, his alone time, his family.

[Betterwithout]

I am 38 years old and my bday is in 2 weeks, so I am turning 39. So yes my biological clock is an issue. He has been separated 3 years and been divorced a year..

 

Understandable then about the biological clock. 3 years is a pretty good space between relationships. Sounds like you need a more in-depth conversation of your hopes and dreams for a child(ren) with him and your concerns about your biological clock. Keep in mind, fertility clinics are everywhere now and people are having healthy kids at age 45, and there is always adoption. It sounds like you would make a great step-mom if things were to progress slower with him.

[Capricorn3]

Lately I have been feeling very attached and a bit clingy to him. I want to see him all the time but see him about 3-4 times a week. He is a very busy guy, he is a surgeon, has his kids and friends, family and me. Lately we have been getting into a few fights, I want to hear he loves me more and that he misses me.

Be very careful. All of the above can lead to self-fulfilling prophecy and you will lose him. Add this ^ .. together with asking about marriage at only the 5 month mark, yes, you are asking too much, way too soon. 5 months is barely knowing each other. Still supposed to be the "honeymoon" phase. I don't think it's unreasonable to bring up the topic of marriage at the 2 year mark, but at 5 months? Um, no.

[abitbroken]

Well he does have alone time with the kids, he's been alone with them twice this week. I make sure I give him time with them. But I do think he's having a hard time balancing everything. He told me last night that I'm a very important part of his life but he is trying to find a balance in life with kids, family, his gf, his alone time, his family.

 

Then let him find that balance. And don't push him on any of that. It takes time to figure out who you are as a newly single person. Be supportive. You won't be included in all family functions at 5 months.

[jackiedavis]

Yeah I get along so well with the kids, we play board games, we talk, we do so many things together. And I know he sees all that. The youngest asks me for milk and food and I think that's why he felt comfortable calling me momma. I truly enjoy his children, but I agree we need to have a talk. But I have had this talk with him and I told him I want marriage and kids and he said he understands and we are on the same page. So why is he now saying he isn't sure yet and needs more time. I mean I wasn't asking for a ring today, just wanted to know we were heading in the right direction.

[abitbroken]

Yeah I get along so well with the kids, we play board games, we talk, we do so many things together. And I know he sees all that. The youngest asks me for milk and food and I think that's why he felt comfortable calling me momma. I truly enjoy his children, but I agree we need to have a talk. But I have had this talk with him and I told him I want marriage and kids and he said he understands and we are on the same page. So why is he now saying he isn't sure yet and needs more time. I mean I wasn't asking for a ring today, just wanted to know we were heading in the right direction.

 

He is saying he needs more time because you are being pushy.

 

Oh honey -- you need to dial this back. His child shouldn't call you momma. I think that you should have said to the child "Your momma isn't here right now, but I'll help you. You can call me Jackie" or talk to your bf and ask if you should ask the kids to call you Jackie or Miss Jackie. You are trying too hard to "audition" as a stepmom. I don't think that you should hide from the kids - but sometimes just see them coming or going, etc. I sure hope you are not spending the night with the kids there.

 

Maybe having the child call you momma also gave him a little bit of a pause.

 

Instead of talking marriage - just have a good time together now through the holidays and don't bring it up again.

[lostandhurt]

5 months may seem like a long time to you but to him it is nothing.

 

Slow way down, stop asking if he loves you or misses you because I can assure you if you keep that up he will stop loving and missing you real fast!

 

You should be able to read him enough to tell if he is serious or not. He has you around his children enough that they called you momma after all.

 

Your clock may be ticking but don't let that ticking turn into a bomb that blows up this relationship.

 

Lost

[RainyCoast]

just wanted to know we were heading in the right direction.

one honestly cannot know that 5 months in.

[ParisPaulette]

Five months? You shouldn't even have met his kids at five months. And he's a surgeon? With kids? I"m sorry, but what part of you will always need to be willing to share this man with others do you not get.

 

Honestly, I do think you are wasting your time, because you want him to be someone who can pay attention to you 24/7 and he's not going to ever be able to give you that. A single guy with a far less demanding job would.

 

This is too much, too soon. You shouldn't even have met his kids yet, let alone be pushing him on marriage and babies. He's seeing red flags, so he's stepping back. You need to do so as well, but you need to realize that's a lot of competition there for his time, which anyone with a family who has a high-stress, high-demand job is going to have.

 

Would you be able to handle it if you're in labor and he can't be there, because he's saving someone's life right then in an ER somewhere? That's the reality of things. Either you can handle that and understand this isn't a 9-5 clerk or you can't. And if you can't now is the time to admit it and move on.

[Batya33]

Kids don't get dating - they get attached. Please be the adult here and decrease your involvement with his children and back off and give him space to breathe. It's a turn off to be that clingy and overwhelming. My advice - look into freezing your eggs - you may still be able to. He has his hands full and I don't see him wanting to get married and have another child as soon as you would need to.

[abitbroken]

This is too much, too soon. You shouldn't even have met his kids yet, let alone be pushing him on marriage and babies. He's seeing red flags, so he's stepping back. You need to do so as well, but you need to realize that's a lot of competition there for his time, which anyone with a family who has a high-stress, high-demand job is going to have.

 

What do you do - besides go to work - when you are not with him? Do you spend time with your family? Do you have hobbies, friendships and volunteer?

[j.man]

So you found a surgeon, treat yourself as a de facto live in, cooking for him and feeling some sort solace from the kid calling you mom. You're pushing the guy to start planning marriage and kids. This is all just 5 months in. I really hope you can see the archetype you're fitting pretty much exact right now. It's pretty cringworthy.

[derroax]

Involving you in his personal life and introducing you to his kids is a huge step and proof that he trusts you and you are an important part in his life. I think his answer to you was sensible. You feel like your clock is ticking and you have to make a decision now, but you both have to feel comfortable and sure before you make this move.

 

If you break up with him now because he's not 100% sure right now, how likely are you to meet someone great and have a baby before you're 40 for example? You're looking at it very short term, when your goals are long term. Stop thinking about your biological clock and start thinking about being sure of someone before you marry them (and vice verse)

 

I would be freaked out if a guy proposed after 5 months.

[shessofly]

It seems like you pretty much hit the ground running with this guy, and have been sort of rushing it from the get-go. You went from posting about your ex to posting about him all in the same month. If I were you I would back waaaaay off. The guy has a good head on his shoulders - is freshly divorced (1 year isn't a ton of time) with kids. How could you expect him to promise marriage just 5 months in? I think you are coming off as desperate and will eventually push him away with this behavior. Do you really want/love him, or are you just looking for stability and a baby? I'm sorry, but you come across as very needy. This man is a surgeon with two kids and an ex wife. Him making time to see you 3-4 days out of the week is quite generous, in my opinion. Give him some air.

[abitbroken]

Involving you in his personal life and introducing you to his kids is a huge step and proof that he trusts you and you are an important part in his life. I think his answer to you was sensible. You feel like your clock is ticking and you have to make a decision now, but you both have to feel comfortable and sure before you make this move.

 

If you break up with him now because he's not 100% sure right now, how likely are you to meet someone great and have a baby before you're 40 for example? You're looking at it very short term, when your goals are long term. Stop thinking about your biological clock and start thinking about being sure of someone before you marry them (and vice verse)

 

I would be freaked out if a guy proposed after 5 months.

 

He either trusts you or has really crappy boundaries. If you are the first person he has dated since the divorce, its also possible that he at first was missing having a woman in the wife/mom role and you were filling that hole. Now he realizes hey you guys are only dating for 5 months.

 

I think that you need to go back to going on dates and getting to know eachother. 2 dates a week sounds great , even if one is trying new things and a traditional date and the other is partially running errands or a quiet evening without the kids. 4 nights a week is a LOT to see a girlfriend at this point, even if there were no kids