jackiedavis Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Thank you LadyAbbey. I guess what is meant to be will be right... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Well he does have alone time with the kids, he's been alone with them twice this week. I make sure I give him time with them. But I do think he's having a hard time balancing everything. He told me last night that I'm a very important part of his life but he is trying to find a balance in life with kids, family, his gf, his alone time, his family. No doubt it's hard to balance it all. But this is what you signed up for. Grilling him to forecast into the future at 5 months whether he'll marry you is unfair. I don't have half the things hes got going on, but I'd run from anyone pressuring for that kind of commitment at only 5 mos. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Thank you LadyAbbey. I guess what is meant to be will be right... Well, sure but, no in the sense that "what will be" depends on your choices as to how you react to his not being ready yet (you make that decision, not leave it up to fate), and how you choose to interact with him going forward knowing how he feels about commitment to you and marriage to you at this time. And I hate to put it this way but women in their late 30s who want to try for a baby don't have the luxury of "whatever will be" when you're not at a point where you can try to conceive yet. Not telling you to rush -telling you to look into egg freezing for example. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 He even gets jealous when my boss talks to me. He is very possessive at times Changing my original post, he is a huge part of the problem here. These ^^^^^^ are very serious red flags, coupled with his rush to let you do "wife" things for him and fulfill the role of mommy to his kids, just yikes. Jealousy of that level is not a good thing, it's a warning sign. Possessiveness isn't about love, it's about control. And it usually is the first red flag, with a whole ton more to come. You need to take some serious steps back and examine why on earth you didn't dump the guy when he got jealous of you talking to your boss. Your neediness, his possessiveness, the relationship being so rushed, wow this screams toxic mess waiting to happen. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I just wanted to know that this was heading in that direction and that I'm not wasting my time.. I think this is wrong-headed. 5 months you are FIGURING OUT if you want to marry this person. You sound like you are desperate to be an Mrs and a mommy. I'm encouraging you not to smother and nag him and drive him away. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Yeah I get along so well with the kids, we play board games, we talk, we do so many things together. And I know he sees all that. The youngest asks me for milk and food and I think that's why he felt comfortable calling me momma. I truly enjoy his children, but I agree we need to have a talk. But I have had this talk with him and I told him I want marriage and kids and he said he understands and we are on the same page. So why is he now saying he isn't sure yet and needs more time. I mean I wasn't asking for a ring today, just wanted to know we were heading in the right direction. Saying he wants marriage and kids doesn't mean he knows that is going to happen with YOU. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 I am also a very social person and have many friends, but he was the one who didn't like me going out, he wanted me home. He even gets jealous when my boss talks to me. He is very possessive at times Ummm, that's not healthy. Why are you in a rush to marry a jealous and possessive guy? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Ummm, that's not healthy. Why are you in a rush to marry a jealous and possessive guy? My sense is she sees that as part of some sort of alpha male -the successful surgeon is part of that whole image. In a way she seems to like that controlling aspect, mistaking it for masculinity and a form of love. Problem is that if she actually marries him and has a child with him she won't like it much when he is controlling about whether she works, how much, and how the child is parented, etc. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 Just finished this thread ... I do think you are moving way too fast. Five months you barely even koow someone even if you do see him a few days a week. You keep saying you just want to see if things are moving in the direction of marriage. You're already trying to play 'house' and do wifely things for this guy when he clearly isn't even asking you to. Believe it or not, men actually need to miss you and long for you to know if they want you in their future. How can he know this when you're already playing the role?? You keep doing what you're doing and I assure you that he will be gone. JMO Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Hi Jackie - I can relate because I can't think of more than one time after a great date, I started planning the wedding and picking the honeymoon destination. I think everyone is right, you just have to sit back, be patient. And don't stop doing things with your girlfriends. You should still have your own life, you should not be his maid/nanny/cook at this stage because that is not your role. From the other perspective, I hate high pressure sales. I'd rather be given the information and take my time to make a decision. And picking a second wife is a huuuuuuge decision, one that he shouldn't enter into lightly. I think that the best thing you can do is be fun, enjoy your time together. Nagging him won't help and would probably chase him away. I get that you are late 30s, but it's still not fair to pressure him into marriage before he's ready. Let's face it - you want him to be 110% ready when he proposes to you. You don't want a guy who just went out and bought a diamond ring to keep you quiet for another year. hang in there. Link to comment
himynameisslim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 well a lot has already been said so I don't want to beat a dead horse... yes you are coming on way too strong. I'm surprised he hasn't avoided you at this point. don't ruin a good thing before it's too late. also, why are you so sure you want to marry this man after only 5 months? that's a red flag in itself. don't allow your clock to dictate who you want to marry. marriage is a serious thing. Link to comment
jackiedavis Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 Thank you everyone. I have decided to back off a bit and not always be available to him. I think I lost myself a bit in this relationship, maybe because we do connect well together besides the whole needy/clingy thing. I also agree that he needs the opportunity to miss me sometimes, and how can he do that if I'm always there. I have also decided not to be around the kids anymore. I don't want to get attached to them in case things don't work out. So I will hang out with him days he doesn't have the kids if he asks me to... Link to comment
downandlonely Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Nooooooooo, slow down girl. Give him time don't press on him he will marry you, just don't push him or you will ruin things and maybe end them. He is right you need to take time and see how long the two of you get along. And why would you start running off and dating other guys if you really truly feel something for him? Link to comment
jackiedavis Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 I'm going to take a step back, I need to figure out if he is even the person I want to end up with because a lot of things he does has red flags too. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 What have you noticed? a lot of things he does has red flags too. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Thank you everyone. I have decided to back off a bit and not always be available to him. I think I lost myself a bit in this relationship, maybe because we do connect well together besides the whole needy/clingy thing. I also agree that he needs the opportunity to miss me sometimes, and how can he do that if I'm always there. I have also decided not to be around the kids anymore. I don't want to get attached to them in case things don't work out. So I will hang out with him days he doesn't have the kids if he asks me to... Great. At the same time, don't play games. Don't pretend you are not available or make up a BS story. Just counteroffer with another night. As far as the kids go, since you are already thick into it, i wouldn't disappear just like that, I would see them a LOT less - be busy and counteroffer to see him on a night where there are no kids - and then have a conversation about how you feel its important that he have more one on one time with his kids without you. That you have understood what he said about trying to balance things. That way if you saw the kids 3-4 nights a week, you aren't suddenly gone. Kids get attached. and you need to unattach. Even if you are not attached, they are attached to seeing you because they are little. Even if they see you for a few minutes when you are going on a date and they have a babysitter - but don't stay all evening. Or run into them when he is out with them so they associate that you are not in their house. But seeing them maybe once a week - and then going to see them only once in a great while, etc, is better than just cold turkey. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I think you just got overly excited about the marriage and baby thing and just jumped in head first because you thought you finally found someone who was willing to give you what you so fervently want. But you need to step back and THINK. Also, just because he said he was "open" to the idea of a second marriage and more children doesn't mean today or even in the next year or so. OR, that he meant with you. Be sure this man is right for you. Don't focus on a wedding ring and a baby, but rather focus on the man himself. Link to comment
Salty Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 If I were him I'd be a little afraid of you. Just step back and give the man time to come to the conclusions you want from him, naturally. Link to comment
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