Is it wrong of me to want to dump 37 year old jobless, hypochondriac bf?

[Hollyj]

I never said one should let others abuse us or manipulate us. I clearly said one shouldnt be selfish, ok

 

My interpretation, was taking care of one's self, by not staying involved in an unhealthy relationship.

[abitbroken]

TO JUST throw this out there, he has gone clubbing, to bars, to movies, out with friends, to a halloween party.

 

If he can do that - he can get a part time job to buy groceries and not leach off the government. If he was 21, he wouldn't be getting food stamps because he is living with his mom who is supporting him.

 

He isn't 20 years old, he is 37. He could be working a full time job, or at the very least, part time. When I was in school, I knew people who were working full time, taking night courses and raising children as a single parent. There is not excuse.

 

Also, what has he been doing the last three years!!!!!! Perhaps, in his party times, he could have been out working.

 

Okay.

 

Bottom line, you are a 21 year woman with your life ahead of you. You should be taking every opportunity for training in a field you want to be in, taking opportunities to travel if they come your way, etc, to enrich yourself and shape who you are as a woman. And to make many friends.

 

Going to trade school is wonderful - he should have done it years ago - but do you want a man who talks about what symptoms he has and that he's dying all the time instead of one with a zest for life? Sure, there are people with depression but there is a difference between someone who just reads WebMD vs someone who goes to a counselor when a medical doctor can't find anything wrong.

 

This man is dating a 21 year old woman - who is a little young for him - because women who are closer to his age won't touch him.

 

At this point, his personality has been formed. This is who he is. Can you picture yourself in a few years, chasing toddlers with him, and then you get sick and he just stays in his room and won't work to support the family when you can't? I am betting not.

 

I get what people are saying if he's depressed he should be supported - but its not the best situation for YOU. I would leave him behind. Let him enjoy being housed by his mom. You should be dating men a little closer to where you are in life.

[Ms Darcy]

It was never my intention to nurture a man who is a loser lol. Years ago I would have never even thought I'd be in this situation... yet here I am. Most likely due to crap self esteem and my own mental health issues. But yes I agree.

 

Ding ding ding. I think you picked/stay with someone below you out of fear. I mean, will a man who actually have his stuff together actually want to be with you due to your major depression and anxiety issues? (I'm not saying that's true, but I am speculating that's your fear.)

 

It's easier to be strong with a loser. When you seek your equal, you have to actually face your own demons.

[boltnrun]

It's also safer to be in a "relationship" with someone you've never met. Much harder for someone to hurt you if they never see you!

[chocolatenoose]

I am not sure if any of you have EVER been in a situation like this but I want you all to know that im not some dumb little girl. While it may seem that I AM CRAZY and absolutely absurd to be in love with this man and to have talked to him for so long. I am a bit of a weirdo myself.I have gone through a lot of periods in my life of being lonely, and never fitting in with people. When him and i began talking there was an immediate pull to one another and it was very apparent...in ways that I do not understand that we were definitely brought to one another for a reason. He has taught me many things about myself and about the world. We have talked SO MUCH and invested so much time in getting to know one another, both of us genuinely do love one another, and know eachother. We have talked to eachother more than we have ever talked to anyone in our in person lives combined. THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD to him. He is flawed, he is broken. BUT SO AM I in a lot of ways myself. The difference here is that I am trying to fix that and be better. Im not sure if thats something he wants to do for himself, he says he does, but I dont see the effort or any of it. I WANT TO GROW as a person and I am worried he doesnt want too. He is not IDEAL in some ways....but in the ways that always have mattered to me the most, the non shallow and unmaterialistic ways, he IS MY equal, and he is someone I would very much like to spend the rest of my life with. This isnt easy for me. Parting with him, if I choose to do so, will kill me. We havent met, and a lot of people think its insane, I think its insane myself. But I know what we have is real and somethings you just cant explain. I love him. i TRULY do. But its becoming more apparent that him and I together wont work. i USED to be an extremely cynical person, I have seen relationships go bad and I was convinced from a very young age that I would never fall in love truly with anybody because it was all bs. If him and I part, I am defintely going to stay alone. I can't do it again. I love too deeply and I just know myself. It will take a long time to get over it. Thankyou to everyone who answered. I read all your answers and your replies to one another thoroughly. I have a lot to think about and I am probably not going to be back on here. I already feel like a crappy person for making it public like this, and asking strangers. I guess i just really was desperate and I had no idea who else to turn too. Therapists are fine but we havent really touched on any of this stuff and I havent felt like I was able to either.

[Hollyj]

Why didn't you tell your therapists? Were you afraid you would hear what you are hearing now?

 

If you cannot be open and honest about your life, then there is a big problem.

[Zaphod]

I am not sure if any of you have EVER been in a situation like this but I want you all to know that im not some dumb little girl. While it may seem that I AM CRAZY and absolutely absurd to be in love with this man and to have talked to him for so long. I am a bit of a weirdo myself.I have gone through a lot of periods in my life of being lonely, and never fitting in with people. When him and i began talking there was an immediate pull to one another and it was very apparent...in ways that I do not understand that we were definitely brought to one another for a reason. He has taught me many things about myself and about the world. We have talked SO MUCH and invested so much time in getting to know one another, both of us genuinely do love one another, and know eachother. We have talked to eachother more than we have ever talked to anyone in our in person lives combined. THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD to him. He is flawed, he is broken. BUT SO AM I in a lot of ways myself. The difference here is that I am trying to fix that and be better. Im not sure if thats something he wants to do for himself, he says he does, but I dont see the effort or any of it. I WANT TO GROW as a person and I am worried he doesnt want too. He is not IDEAL in some ways....but in the ways that always have mattered to me the most, the non shallow and unmaterialistic ways, he IS MY equal, and he is someone I would very much like to spend the rest of my life with. This isnt easy for me. Parting with him, if I choose to do so, will kill me. We havent met, and a lot of people think its insane, I think its insane myself. But I know what we have is real and somethings you just cant explain. I love him. i TRULY do. But its becoming more apparent that him and I together wont work. i USED to be an extremely cynical person, I have seen relationships go bad and I was convinced from a very young age that I would never fall in love truly with anybody because it was all bs. If him and I part, I am defintely going to stay alone. I can't do it again. I love too deeply and I just know myself. It will take a long time to get over it. Thankyou to everyone who answered. I read all your answers and your replies to one another thoroughly. I have a lot to think about and I am probably not going to be back on here. I already feel like a crappy person for making it public like this, and asking strangers. I guess i just really was desperate and I had no idea who else to turn too. Therapists are fine but we havent really touched on any of this stuff and I havent felt like I was able to either.

 

Well you know, I guess it depends where your priorities are. It sounds like you admire him on a kind of intellectual and er.. I can't think of the word for it - means kind of "of the brain, of the intellect" - it'll come to me.

 

Your problem lies with his ability to financially support himself, and the fact that he's a hypochondriac, sounds like he's a bit neurotic.

 

Somewhere out there is a man who is great on those levels, but then won't support you on an intellectual level. Or take your chances, and wait for one that satisfies both criteria.

 

There are plenty of people out there that have a great work ethic, support their families, etc. but are actually as boring as sin and bring their women no emotional or intellectual adventures or challenges. And I guess different women maybe place value on different things.

 

Ah yes "Cerebral" - that's the word I'm looking for. He is great on a cerebral level, yet pretty rubbish on a materialistic level.

 

It's difficult isn't it.

[Ms Darcy]

I mean it happens ... people connect with others online without ever meeting. But it's generally broken people - like you and your man - who have trouble connecting with others in the real world.

 

If you feel he is your equal, then you basically think very low of yourself. I hope you can find the strength to tell your therapist all of what you have shared here.

[boltnrun]

Most of the time when people hide the truth about something it's because they themselves know it's not right.

 

I suggest sharing the entire, true story with your therapist. That way you can get the assistance you truly need and that can truly help you.

[zeino]

You are not crazy for loving this man, neither is it absolutely absurd to love him. Love and relationship are completely different things and if you want a mainstream relationship where some kind of stability or security is one of your needs, this relationship doesn't have it at the moment. Still, this only says you don't want a relationship with him, not that you shouldn't love him or it is absurd to love him. The two don't always go hand in hand.

 

You sound very frustrated with him, rightfully from your perspective. But please be careful to look at the real reasons of your frustration, accept them and take responsibility of your life the way you expect him to. Otherwise, your anger will most probably lead you to judge him with harsh - and unfair and actually unfounded- societal clichés and I think it is starting slowly.

 

If you say your boyfriend is a hypochondriac, you probably know that he may have a serious anxiety-based disorder which can make him dysfunctional in many ways. This kind of anxiety is debilitating for many and actually, he is doing a good job receiving some kind of training. It is also good that he has a supporting family, a home. Mental disorder doesn't go away when people practice tough love and if he is ill, he isn't being spoilt, lazy, etc. He cannot fully function because of his disorder. You wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Yes, there may be learnt helplessness, there may be other things but these are up to him to realize and sort out at his own speed. And what makes you angry, that he goes out with his friends is also good in a sense because he is socializing. And yes, dysfunctional people deserve some fun as well no matter what the society thinks about them. It's better than feeling imprisoned in one's head and between 4 walls sometimes. Why can't you be happy for him in a loving way?

 

I don't believe it's because you don't love him. I think it is because you want him to function in some other way that prioritizes the needs of your relationships but obviously he isn't doing it or he cannot. It seems that you are now comparing every little positive thing indicating a bit of fun on his part to what he could be doing for you but dysfunction doesn't really work like that.

 

Ultimately, it is you who needs to decide which expectations are important, whether you can live without them etc. His healing may take years or his problems may not go anywhere even if he gets more functional in the way you like. And mentally relying on his change for your own happiness is codependent in itself. I would say stop judging the guy. There are many women who wouldn't spend a minute in a relationship with him and equally, there are many women who wouldn't have your issues with him or giving importance to what you are. What matters is you and your needs and whether you are finding the right partner(s) who can meet those needs. The rest is not that important. You could have similar dissatisfactions with a more functional man.

 

It seems like you are growing. It also seems that you want a love that translates into a relationship with a sort of security, stability. These are not bad or wrong things and you have every right to seek them without feeling guilty or burdened. But please try to do this with a focus on what you want instead of focusing on the shortcomings of a troubled person. He probably has more severe issues than the stuff you expect and will have to deal with lots before coming to your expected level of functioning. This is a process and you cannot control his speed. If this is frustrating you, it is unfair to you as much as it is to him.

 

It is difficult when we feel we are losing someone because of a problem of this sort. It actually involves a grieving process. Sometimes the best is to let go kindly and live and let live.

 

I wish the best for you.

[lvlv5]

It's not wrong of you, you need to love yourself enough to not drown yourself in what he needs to be responsible for. He can't use you as a crutch or his mother. You're young and if he truly loved you, he wouldn't be at ease dumping on you. He doesn't love or believe in himself and you can't expect to do this for him.

[runningman922]

Are you f****** kidding me?? Everyone should be selfish?

If I was selfish my friend would have killed himself years ago, some of my coworkers would have been fired because nobody was training them when they first got hired, one of my friends would have been kicked out when his wife stole money from his bank account, etc etc.

Helping people or stopping your glorious perfect life to give someone else a hand is not a bad thing, you never know the day you will be the one in need.

Not that you will, you are perfectly independant and cool that you will never need help.

Don't get me wrong my fren. Of course, as fellow humans, we will instinctively response to assist others during any crisis. What I meant above is, she and his family had tried whatever means to "correct" his path with no success. Come on, example, if you want to help someone, you give him advice once, twice or even three times. But if he/she still doesn't listen, you just have to move on. You seemed to be a courageous person, but everything has a line to it. It depends how one draws it. Just my2cents

[Rising100]

You are not crazy for loving this man, neither is it absolutely absurd to love him. Love and relationship are completely different things and if you want a mainstream relationship where some kind of stability or security is one of your needs, this relationship doesn't have it at the moment. Still, this only says you don't want a relationship with him, not that you shouldn't love him or it is absurd to love him. The two don't always go hand in hand.

 

You sound very frustrated with him, rightfully from your perspective. But please be careful to look at the real reasons of your frustration, accept them and take responsibility of your life the way you expect him to. Otherwise, your anger will most probably lead you to judge him with harsh - and unfair and actually unfounded- societal clichés and I think it is starting slowly.

 

If you say your boyfriend is a hypochondriac, you probably know that he may have a serious anxiety-based disorder which can make him dysfunctional in many ways. This kind of anxiety is debilitating for many and actually, he is doing a good job receiving some kind of training. It is also good that he has a supporting family, a home. Mental disorder doesn't go away when people practice tough love and if he is ill, he isn't being spoilt, lazy, etc. He cannot fully function because of his disorder. You wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Yes, there may be learnt helplessness, there may be other things but these are up to him to realize and sort out at his own speed. And what makes you angry, that he goes out with his friends is also good in a sense because he is socializing. And yes, dysfunctional people deserve some fun as well no matter what the society thinks about them. It's better than feeling imprisoned in one's head and between 4 walls sometimes. Why can't you be happy for him in a loving way?

 

I don't believe it's because you don't love him. I think it is because you want him to function in some other way that prioritizes the needs of your relationships but obviously he isn't doing it or he cannot. It seems that you are now comparing every little positive thing indicating a bit of fun on his part to what he could be doing for you but dysfunction doesn't really work like that.

 

Ultimately, it is you who needs to decide which expectations are important, whether you can live without them etc. His healing may take years or his problems may not go anywhere even if he gets more functional in the way you like. And mentally relying on his change for your own happiness is codependent in itself. I would say stop judging the guy. There are many women who wouldn't spend a minute in a relationship with him and equally, there are many women who wouldn't have your issues with him or giving importance to what you are. What matters is you and your needs and whether you are finding the right partner(s) who can meet those needs. The rest is not that important. You could have similar dissatisfactions with a more functional man.

 

It seems like you are growing. It also seems that you want a love that translates into a relationship with a sort of security, stability. These are not bad or wrong things and you have every right to seek them without feeling guilty or burdened. But please try to do this with a focus on what you want instead of focusing on the shortcomings of a troubled person. He probably has more severe issues than the stuff you expect and will have to deal with lots before coming to your expected level of functioning. This is a process and you cannot control his speed. If this is frustrating you, it is unfair to you as much as it is to him.

 

It is difficult when we feel we are losing someone because of a problem of this sort. It actually involves a grieving process. Sometimes the best is to let go kindly and live and let live.

 

I wish the best for you.

Best advice I have seen here

[runningman922]

Best advice I have seen here

Agreed.

It's for you to decide on the bigger picture. All the best.

When "health problems" are used for gain it's called malingering. Since he's lives a parasitic lifestyle it's working for him.

 

Read up on sociopaths. They often live parasitic lifestyles and malingering is often an art-form for them to facilitate that.

[Wiseman2]

That is often said about a lot of behavioral addictions where despite cognizance of the self defeating or self destructive nature of it, they are compelled to continue nonetheless.

We havent met, and a lot of people think its insane, I think its insane myself.

[chocolatenoose]

I'm dumping him !!! Most of you will be happy to hear it I bet lol. I've had enough. I'm about ready to type up an email and send it to him telling him why. I would do it over skype but I don't want to be verbally bashed for three hours. I'm blocking him and changing my number as soon as I get the email. Just can't do it anymore. More things have happened. I need a clean break and to move on with my life. Thanks everyone for the great, well thought out advice. I'm DONE

[Capricorn3]

I'm dumping him I've had enough. I'm about ready to type up an email and send it to him telling him why. I'm DONE

You're definitely doing the right thing. There is no need to go into any lengthy explanations about why etc. Simply tell him, "sorry, it's just not working for me anymore and it is best we part ways. I wish you the best". End of. Then block all contact.

[chocolatenoose]

You're definitely doing the right thing. There is no need to go into any lengthy explanations about why etc. Simply tell him, "sorry, it's just not working for me anymore and it is best we part ways. I wish you the best". End of. Then block all contact.

Ya I'm not gonna say much. He's the type of person that if I say too much it would only make it worse. He has a temper and has been known to be verbally abusive, calling me a monster and a , fake, liar and that I met someone else any other time I tried breaking it off with him. So THIS TIME I have to be strong and cut contact immediately.

[chocolatenoose]

You're definitely doing the right thing. There is no need to go into any lengthy explanations about why etc. Simply tell him, "sorry, it's just not working for me anymore and it is best we part ways. I wish you the best". End of. Then block all contact.

I know 100% this is the right thing to do.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, he's dating you because no woman his age would put up with him. You're young enough to not get how bad his situation is.

[boltnrun]

I think you will be surprised how free you feel.

 

Also, blocking him and changing your number is an excellent idea. Otherwise he will do all he can to "win" you back. Short of actually making any positive changes, that is. He may promise he will but once he has you back he'll stop. So yeah, great plan to block and change your number.

[misstiff]

Girl, I didn't even read the entire thing because I made up my mind JUST by reading the title. I read the first paragraph and yes... dump him. I saw 37, jobless... and that's all I needed. And that should be enough for you too! Almost 40 years old and not working on purpose? The days of mommy holding his hand should have been long gone at least 12 years ago. He will just be holding you back. Take it from someone who has been there. You can love a man with a JOB just as much as you can love a man without one. If I were you... I choose the guy who has one. This will just drag you down right with him if you don't move on. And don't get this confused with materialism because it's not.. you can't do one thing in this world without money. It is a requirement to live.

[chocolatenoose]

Girl, I didn't even read the entire thing because I made up my mind JUST by reading the title. I read the first paragraph and yes... dump him. I saw 37, jobless... and that's all I needed. And that should be enough for you too! Almost 40 years old and not working on purpose? The days of mommy holding his hand should have been long gone at least 12 years ago. He will just be holding you back. Take it from someone who has been there. You can love a man with a JOB just as much as you can love a man without one. If I were you... I choose the guy who has one. This will just drag you down right with him if you don't move on. And don't get this confused with materialism because it's not.. you can't do one thing in this world without money. It is a requirement to live.

I agree completely !!!

[Ms Darcy]

Let us know how it goes.

[chocolatenoose]

Let us know how it goes.

I will ! I'm doing it sometime tomorrow when he is actually back at his place. He's with his family right now.