Is it wrong of me to want to dump 37 year old jobless, hypochondriac bf?

[chocolatenoose]

HE IS MY SOULMATE so the love I Have for him is uncondition. He might not be. You will forever love him but doesn't sound like he wants to be a man.

 

If you don't want to be married, have a family or equal partner. Continue this relationship.

 

You can't force somebody to change. He is 37 and taking advantage of a young girl IMO. A girl his own age would of kicked him to the curb along time ago.

 

Move on before it's too late.

 

Take care.

Thankyou. 🖒

[chocolatenoose]

I definitely don't want to hate on him for this or say bad things about him.... so I kind of feel like crap for even posting this. I just don't know what else to do about it and needed advice.

[Wiseman2]

Do not concern your self with trying to diagnose him. He's a parasite. He lives off people and that is dragging you down, that's all you need to know.

 

Of course he's happier than you. The tapeworms and ticks are always happier than their hosts who suffer the ill effects.

he does enjoy going out with friends. He is a much happier and positive person than I am, he is just lazy unfortunately.

[chocolatenoose]

First I just want to make sure, is he diagnosed with any mental illness? The reason I'm asking is because I was once diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I lost all motivation for anything. It's not that I didn't want to do it, it's the lack of motivation and depression that made it hard. My husband never gave up on me and married me anyways.

 

I don't want to judge your boyfriend before knowing the facts. No one will ever understand what it's like to have a mental illness and can't work because of it unless they have it. It's very quick to judge and say the person is a loser, but it's not always the case.

 

With that being said, if he is not diagnosed or have anything, than yes, it's called malingering! Before you jump the gun and assume that, I would talk to him. See if his doctor or a therapist of some sort thinks he has a mental illness.

 

I just can't imagine when I was at my worst stage of my depression that husband would give up on me and thinks I'm a loser because of it. It was because of his support that helped me get through it. All the best to you.

I'm genuinely worried about what's going to happen to him if I break things off. I CARE About him a lot and I seriously don't want him to end up on the streets or something or to be alone. His mom is getting older and honestly once she goes I don't really know what he's going to end up doing. It scares me to think about. I know I can't take it upon myself to take care of him and save him though.

[chocolatenoose]

Do not concern your self with trying to diagnose him. He's a parasite. He lives off people and that is dragging you down, that's all you need to know.

 

Of course he's happier than you. The tapeworms and ticks are always happier than their hosts who suffer the ill effects.

You're right. Unfortunately I have a huge heart so I tend to always feel bad for everyone and want to help. But he is most definitely selfish and needs to grow up. So he doesn't deserve it.

[DancingFool]

I'm genuinely worried about what's going to happen to him if I break things off. I CARE About him a lot and I seriously don't want him to end up on the streets or something or to be alone. His mom is getting older and honestly once she goes I don't really know what he's going to end up doing. It scares me to think about. I know I can't take it upon myself to take care of him and save him though.

 

Oh come on. He lived just fine without you in his life and he will continue to do so long after you are gone. Truthfully parasitic people like him have no problems finding new hosts....plus there is always mom..... Please don't flatter yourself with this idea that he will just die without you. Although, being a parasite he might try to emotionally blackmail you like that. Please don't buy his bs and if you think he is serious, then hang up on him and call emergency services, tell them where you think he is and let them take it from there and help him. You cannot help him. In fact, doctors can't either. He can only help himself.....and he does.....in a way that allows him to leach off others without working that is. I'd say the boy is doing just fine in that department.

[DancingFool]

You're right. Unfortunately I have a huge heart so I tend to always feel bad for everyone and want to help. But he is most definitely selfish and needs to grow up. So he doesn't deserve it.

 

Go adopt a dog then. At least your care will genuinely appreciated and returned in kind. Don't project your need to nurture to loser men.

[chocolatenoose]

Oh come on. He lived just fine without you in his life and he will continue to do so long after you are gone. Truthfully parasitic people like him have no problems finding new hosts....plus there is always mom..... Please don't flatter yourself with this idea that he will just die without you. Although, being a parasite he might try to emotionally blackmail you like that. Please don't buy his bs and if you think he is serious, then hang up on him and call emergency services, tell them where you think he is and let them take it from there and help him. You cannot help him. In fact, doctors can't either. He can only help himself.....and he does.....in a way that allows him to leach off others without working that is. I'd say the boy is doing just fine in that department.

Lol well I don't necessarily think he will die without me persay, but I still worry about him. Mostly due to the fact that he hasn't been just a lover but also a long time friend. I know what you're saying though. He definitely knows how to milk that for all its worth. Maybe he will find a sugar momma after me lol

[chocolatenoose]

I cant judge this person just yet, you mentioned health problems and that he is going to school. Thats at least better than not doing anything at all but still not good enough.

What exactly is his health problem, is it psychological?

I have absolutely no idea. He turns normal heath issues Into BIG things. If he has a headache then it must be a tumor, he has muscle pain? Must be ms. He gets dizzy, he is fatigued. He was diagnosed with pre diabetic, diverticulosis and hypothyroidism. The issue with that is..... I know A LOTT of people that have way worse and they still work. He acts like he terminally Ill and tells me he is dying. I really don't know anymore. He's been to so many doctors and goes online to self diagnose, and thinks he has EVERYTHING. I have heard him say he thinks he has so many chronic illnesses, but he never gets diagnosed with any of them... and he is just full blown hypochondriac. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on him. But all just seems so dramatic.

[chocolatenoose]

Go adopt a dog then. At least your care will genuinely appreciated and returned in kind. Don't project your need to nurture to loser men.

It was never my intention to nurture a man who is a loser lol. Years ago I would have never even thought I'd be in this situation... yet here I am. Most likely due to crap self esteem and my own mental health issues. But yes I agree.

[Zaphod]

Personally I don't necessarily judge him overall as being a "parasite" without knowing more about him. Sure, materialistically you could make that argument, but as I say, there are some people who have a lot of trouble finding their way in the socially acceptable lifestyle. Perhaps he gives good mental or emotional advice to people and earns his keep that way? Although it doesn't sound like it. Just sounds like the guy has trouble taking a grip, which I guess you have to feel for to a certain extent. It is difficult for some. One is born without any say in the matter, then one is told that unless they "earn" materialistically their existence, then they're branded as "lazy", it is a very hard concept for a lot of folk to get their head round.

 

More to the point - might I suggest that you are driven by fear, not love? You fear that if you leave him, it'll destroy him. Hard though it may seem, this is not the path to a successful romantic relationship. I think you should make sure you distnguish between the two.

 

I wouldn't actually encouirage you to split up with him, as I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, however, be clear about what it is that you feel. Is it romantic love? Guilt? Fear? Some kind of imagined resonsiblity? Perhaps you think that he'll eventually manage to get a handle on this? Or perhaps not.

[DancingFool]

It was never my intention to nurture a man who is a loser lol. Years ago I would have never even thought I'd be in this situation... yet here I am. Most likely due to crap self esteem and my own mental health issues. But yes I agree.

 

So getting out this situation and going back to pursuing your plans from before would go a long ways toward repairing your self esteem, right? Kind of reclaiming your self, your life and your goals.

I was serious about the dog, btw. Many a rescued dog has in turn rescued their owner figuratively speaking.

[boltnrun]

I have absolutely no idea. He turns normal heath issues Into BIG things. If he has a headache then it must be a tumor, he has muscle pain? Must be ms. He gets dizzy, he is fatigued. He was diagnosed with pre diabetic, diverticulosis and hypothyroidism. The issue with that is..... I know A LOTT of people that have way worse and they still work. He acts like he terminally Ill and tells me he is dying. I really don't know anymore. He's been to so many doctors and goes online to self diagnose, and thinks he has EVERYTHING. I have heard him say he thinks he has so many chronic illnesses, but he never gets diagnosed with any of them... and he is just full blown hypochondriac. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on him. But all just seems so dramatic.

 

I have all three of those conditions. Actually diagnosed by a medical doctor. I had surgery to remove part of my colon. And I GO TO WORK! None of those things would prevent one from working, or I wouldn't be able to work.

 

I see two choices here...stay in this relationship and realize you will always be the one to work and pay for everything and be fine with it, or leave him and be happier on your own. I promise, he will be just fine.

[Hollyj]

The hard part is we connect in a lot of ways and I just haven't found that with anyone else..... but I know he's a loser based off the fact that he is jobless, no car and using his mom. If he WASN'T like this, I think he would be perfect for me. But I don't see how he is going to change. But ya I see your point. It's more of a reflection on his character than anything else that is a cause for concern... if he can't hold a job then how can he be in a serious relationship. I get your point. I do need to raise my standards... drastically.

 

You are failing to accept that this is who he is!!

 

I think you should focus on why you are attracted to such an underachieving leech. Are you planning on taking over for his mother, because that is exactly what you will be doing?

 

Why do you believe you deserve so little from a partner? Have you sought counselling?

[chocolatenoose]

Personally I don't necessarily judge him overall as being a "parasite" without knowing more about him. Sure, materialistically you could make that argument, but as I say, there are some people who have a lot of trouble finding their way in the socially acceptable lifestyle. Perhaps he gives good mental or emotional advice to people and earns his keep that way? Although it doesn't sound like it. Just sounds like the guy has trouble taking a grip, which I guess you have to feel for to a certain extent. It is difficult for some. One is born without any say in the matter, then one is told that unless they "earn" materialistically their existence, then they're branded as "lazy", it is a very hard concept for a lot of folk to get their head round.

 

More to the point - might I suggest that you are driven by fear, not love? You fear that if you leave him, it'll destroy him. Hard though it may seem, this is not the path to a successful romantic relationship. I think you should make sure you distnguish between the two.

 

I wouldn't actually encouirage you to split up with him, as I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, however, be clear about what it is that you feel. Is it romantic love? Guilt? Fear? Some kind of imagined resonsiblity? Perhaps you think that he'll eventually manage to get a handle on this? Or perhaps not.

I feel like you touched on things that many others wouldn't. I have often been in existential crisis and not knowing why I'm just here to work. For some, it can be extremely hard. I have compassion for that, I feel for that because I have often had those thoughts. I'm still working though.

 

I know there is more to a person than degrees, cars, money, success and all that. And I never had it in my criteria to find somebody who was "rich". But I guess I'm starting to realize that I do need someone who can stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves.

 

That's a good question. I do feel like I love him. A part of me does anyways. But it's not enough to stay with him. The reason I've been staying is because I absolutely do not want to hurt him. While I think he would be ok, I just feel bad about it. I dont know how to be heartless.

 

Either way I need to break things off and just be free of this.... I can't save him. I can't take care of him.

[chocolatenoose]

So getting out this situation and going back to pursuing your plans from before would go a long ways toward repairing your self esteem, right? Kind of reclaiming your self, your life and your goals.

I was serious about the dog, btw. Many a rescued dog has in turn rescued their owner figuratively speaking.

Lol. Well I love dogs and have been wanting to get another one. Perhaps I will visit the local shelter and find a new friend. I agree about animals being much more appreciate and grateful than humans.

 

I also do need to start doing things that make me feel good on my own again. Start playing guitar again and building my friendships stronger again. This has taken a lot of me to just be with him.... there's more than just him not having a job and a car.... there have been many issues a long the way.

[chocolatenoose]

I have all three of those conditions. Actually diagnosed by a medical doctor. I had surgery to remove part of my colon. And I GO TO WORK! None of those things would prevent one from working, or I wouldn't be able to work.

 

I see two choices here...stay in this relationship and realize you will always be the one to work and pay for everything and be fine with it, or leave him and be happier on your own. I promise, he will be just fine.

Thankyou! I KNEW that people worked with those conditions because I know a few myself. I hope you have recovered from surgery well. As far as my bf goes... he's just using it as an excuse. I know in the long run being alone is my best bet... and idk... I'll just leave him to do whatever it is he's gonna do.

[chocolatenoose]

You are failing to accept that this is who he is!!

 

I think you should focus on why you are attracted to such an underachieving leech. Are you planning on taking over for his mother, because that is exactly what you will be doing?

 

Why do you believe you deserve so little from a partner? Have you sought counselling?

I actually started seeing seeing a therapist a few weeks ago, and I've been doing therapy weekly. I have depression, so it may explain why my self esteem became so low that I was attracted to someone like this.

[chocolatenoose]

I just want to say thankyou to everyone who has responded and helped me out. I haven't had anybody to talk to about this and although you're strangers on the Internet.... You've helped me more than anybody in real life ever possibly could. ☺

[Zaphod]

To be fair though, animals aren't expected to "earn" their keep just to earn the right to existence, and then accused of being "lazy" when they have trouble coming to terms with that. Not the kind of pets we're talking about anyway.

 

I say on the one hand it's unfair to judge this guy solely based on materialistic gain, but on the other hand you must be honest about your feelings for him and act in your own interests. Perhaps there is a sugar mummy out there that would be happy to take him on. And you can get yourself a more suitable partner. Everyone's happy, right? There is hopefully a place for everyone in this picture. You could argue that by holding on to him, somewhere out there is a sugar mummy who you're denying the pleasure of taking him on. I know it seems wierd, but think about it.

[Zaphod]

You've helped me more than anybody in real life ever possibly could. ☺

 

That's because we don't have a particular emotional bias towards you, therefore we are able to give balanced rational advice, uncoloured by our "feelings". Yes, sometimes it is better to get advice from strangers.

[boltnrun]

Thankyou! I KNEW that people worked with those conditions because I know a few myself. I hope you have recovered from surgery well. As far as my bf goes... he's just using it as an excuse. I know in the long run being alone is my best bet... and idk... I'll just leave him to do whatever it is he's gonna do.

 

Thank you.

 

I have a new appreciation for life and what I am able to do because for a long time I couldn't even walk up a single flight of stairs. And until a year and a half ago I had a job unloading cases of shoes and electronics from trucks and that was AFTER my surgery! So the concept that you cannot work due to those conditions is invalid. And for the record, my case was one of the more severe ones according to my surgeon.

 

I think once you are free of this burden (and yes, it's an emotional burden), you'll be surprised at how well you feel.

 

And BTW, Google "codependency". This is when we set aside what is good for us in favor of trying to keep someone else happy.

[chocolatenoose]

That's because we don't have a particular emotional bias towards you, therefore we are able to give balanced rational advice, uncoloured by our "feelings". Yes, sometimes it is better to get advice from strangers.

Yes, typically strangers can give the best advice because they can see the situation from a completely objective viewpoint and have more clarity. Which is nice. lol

[ParisPaulette]

Nope. I'd say it's pretty much wrong of you to want to keep him unless that's what you like.

[Wiseman2]

To be fair though, animals aren't expected to "earn" their keep just to earn the right to existence, and then accused of being "lazy" when they have trouble coming to terms with that.

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