Is it wrong of me to want to dump 37 year old jobless, hypochondriac bf?

[limichelle]

I have a serious mental illness where I can't work and I still live at home and on disability. I would love to work but the stress brings on so many painful things with my illness I can't. So it bugs me when an able person can work! I also have hypothyroidism and pre-diabetic two things that don't stop me from volunteering or living my life. I don't want to judge him harshly because I don't know him personally like you do. If you feel in your gut this isn't working you need to let him know.

 

Lisa

[jujusamples]

I'm genuinely worried about what's going to happen to him if I break things off. I CARE About him a lot and I seriously don't want him to end up on the streets or something or to be alone. His mom is getting older and honestly once she goes I don't really know what he's going to end up doing. It scares me to think about. I know I can't take it upon myself to take care of him and save him though.

 

You shouldn't have to take it upon yourself to take care of him, it's not your job. You are still way to young to get yourself into this situation. He has to WANT to help himself. What I meant in my last message is to make sure he doesn't have a mental illness or at least talk to him. If he still thinks he's dying and nothing has been diagnosed, then I'm sorry to say, you have to set him free. You are only enabling him if you keep supporting him in this state. The first step to getting better is to realize you have a problem. It was me that went to see a doctor and it was me that wanted to get all the help I could get. That's the reason my husband never gave up on me. He didn't have to tell me to do something about it, I did it on my own. I truly believe that is the only way to get better, is if the person truly believes in themselves that they could get out of the funk.

[KantSleep]

Hi ya. I don't have time to read all the replies. I did read your post thoroughly, though. I have to say that I see your torment, in that you love this man, but he is bad husband and/or long-term mate material. Truth, unless YOU want to support him. You need to find the strength to get away from this man-child. He likely would never find anyone near his age because he is hopelessly lazy and messed up. So he lured you into his web. It's up to you to get out. You will hurt awhile, but you will hurt a lot longer if you continue to date this man who can't contribute to your future.

[Thill754]

Has he gone to a councilor of some sorts to try and give himself self motivation at all? I would say I was in the same situation last year but for myself I didn't feel motivation, it's not that I didn't love or care about people around me at that time but I talked to someone about my mental state and found a purpose again.

[Thill754]

Also I know the connection that you have with him, but do believe he needs to have a life check to realize he's on a downfall and that u guys can truly work

[Zaphod]

I believe from re-reading the original post that this man is currently at school gaining some kind of trade qualification.

 

How does this make him "lazy"? The assumption given in the original post is that even armed with this qualification, he will be unable to get work. Bit presumptuous, no?

 

You may leave him well before he gets a job, that ship may have sailed by then, but how is it we can brand someone at school (and I assume he hasn't dropped out?) as "lazy". That just strikes me as sanctimonious of everyone to do that.

 

On the one hand, don't let him take the piss. On the other hand at least give him a chance to show that he can turn things around. Sounds like he's at least trying.

[Hollyj]

I believe from re-reading the original post that this man is currently at school gaining some kind of trade qualification.

 

How does this make him "lazy"? The assumption given in the original post is that even armed with this qualification, he will be unable to get work. Bit presumptuous, no?

 

You may leave him well before he gets a job, that ship may have sailed by then, but how is it we can brand someone at school (and I assume he hasn't dropped out?) as "lazy". That just strikes me as sanctimonious of everyone to do that.

 

On the one hand, don't let him take the piss. On the other hand at least give him a chance to show that he can turn things around. Sounds like he's at least trying.

 

He isn't 20 years old, he is 37. He could be working a full time job, or at the very least, part time. When I was in school, I knew people who were working full time, taking night courses and raising children as a single parent. There is not excuse.

 

Also, what has he been doing the last three years!!!!!! Perhaps, in his party times, he could have been out working.

[Zaphod]

He isn't 20 years old, he is 37. He could be working a full time job, or at the very least, part time. When I was in school, I knew people who were working full time, taking night courses and raising children as a single parent. There is not excuse.

 

Also, what has he been doing the last three years. Perhaps, in his party times, he can be out working.

 

I respectfully disagree. You're talking about a person that is obviously very depressed. Under those circumstances, the school achievement is considerable. What everyone else has done that you know is irrelevant. Also, he doesn't need an "excuse". He is theoretically doing nothing wrong. Also, his age is irrelevant.

 

Perhaps, in his party times, he could have been out working.

 

This man doesn't sound like he has many "party times". It sounds like he's living a nightmare, locked into his own neurosis.

[Capricorn3]

OP, I have to admit I find all of this very confusing. You have started four threads, ALL in the "Breaking Up" forum, and all asking how to break up with this guy. You have received tons of really good, decent and constructive advice, yet it seems you ignore it all, and then a few days later, start another thread, asking the same things all over again.

 

Not only that, but in one of your threads, you say you haven't even MET this guy in real life! ?? That, in itself, together with all the drama associated with this guy ... surely you can see where this is heading?? I'm amazed you still have to ask. Just be done with it already and move on, as this "relationship" is heading nowhere fast (imo).

[Zaphod]

Not only that, but in one of your threads, you say you haven't even MET this guy in real life! ??

 

Lol.

 

Although I was hoping that would be a link, it being underlined and all...

[Capricorn3]

Lol.

 

Although I was hoping that would be a link, it being underlined and all...

Yep, and then add to that, her words ... "I have come to learn that he is toxic. He has called me derogatory names, acted possessive and controlling." and all of this has been going on for the past three years. Three years, and never met in real life. I must be missing something.....

[Hollyj]

I respectfully disagree. You're talking about a person that is obviously very depressed. Under those circumstances, the school achievement is considerable. What everyone else has done that you know is irrelevant. Also, he doesn't need an "excuse". He is theoretically doing nothing wrong. Also, his age is irrelevant.

 

 

 

This man doesn't sound like he has many "party times". It sounds like he's living a nightmare, locked into his own neurosis.

 

That's not what she said. She said outside of his hypochondria he is a pleasant person that enjoys hanging out with friends and partying on a regular basis. .

[Hollyj]

yep, and then add to that, her words ... "i have come to learn that he is toxic. He has called me derogatory names, acted possessive and controlling." and all of this has been going on for the past three years. Three years, and never met in real life. I must be missing something.....

 

 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OP, this is ridiculous!

[clh]

I agree with Holly. He is not depressed. Acting ill gets him the sympathy he needs to get away with staying home all day in his room and going out at night to clubs. Depressed people who cant function well enough to work are also not able to go clubbing. As long as he is able to pull the wool over his mother's, his girlfriend's eyes and get away with not working, not being a responsible adult, and going out at night, he will. He sounds quite immature and it is highly likely he will not change, especially since he doesn't have to.

 

You sound super nice; you sound like the type of girl that might have made exceptions and accepted excuses from him in the past. It is good you are seeing red flags in regards to this person being a potential poor long-term partner because if you didn't see these things and ended up with him, it is highly like you would end up supporting him while he is "too ill" to work yet fine enough to go out or engage hobbies.

 

He has learned to play the sick role because it works. He gets away with it. People that feel sorry for him, accept his excuses, and worry he is too depressed to work are exactly what he wants because they help him maintain his role as this poor sick soul who cant work. These people think they are doing the right thing, but they are doing the wrong thing. So it is actually better for him, better for his poor mother, better for you, and better for the community and society for him to work as when he does, he feels like he accomplishes something by working and contributing to his household and society, he pays taxes that help the community, and helps those who are genuinely too ill to work. if he is a bit of a mooch, taker, and/or has some bad character traits such as not truly caring about anyone but himself and getting what he wants, then he wont receive much internal reward for working, but he could get external rewards, like a real paycheck, and he could purchase new outfits for going to the club. Either way, it is better for everyone if they do not do the codependent thing and let him get away with his excuses.

 

 

I think you should trust your gut, and your gut is telling you that something is wrong. I do hope you move on and don't get manipulated into something that will ultimately be unhealthy for you - such as a committed relationship with what seems to be a big ole man child.

 

Wishing you the best, clh

[Hollyj]

"So, I have been talking to a man who is 700 miles away from me for three years. We connected instantly, talked for hours and it was always clear that we had a mental/soul connection beyond what either of us had ever experienced. I can sum this up with saying it was like we already knew eachother, natural, and picked up where we left off. Great communication and just best friends. It's been surreal.

 

This past April 2016 him and I decided to take our relationship to the next level. For we had been living in quite a bit of denial about how we felt about one another and we were obviously in love with each other. We began skyping and although we hadn't met, we started a long distance relationship and fell in love with one another even more.

 

But... then things got bad. There was an instance of me hooking up with someone In the beginning of our relationship while we were still long distance. The rules of monogamy hadn't exactly been established, his words were that "I assumed you wouldn't hook up with anyone and that you were just mine." It was a huge mistake on my part, I still carry a lot of guilt and feel like crap for what happened. But it was one night, and it is something I would never repeat again. Because I truly do love this man with all my heart and soul.

 

He began to show some sides of himself that surprised me... and at times have scared me. We have fought a lot but I notice how he fights is dirty, mean and at times just extremely cruel. He has said things to me like "you are dumber than my ex", and has called me many derogatory names throughout the course of our relationship. Cuss words, you name it, and it really has taken a tole on my self esteem. But OUT OF guilt and also because I truly do love him, I have stuck around. He has kind of made me feel like I owe him to stick it out with him BECAUSE I cheated so I deserve to be called these things and treated poorly at times. But these words, and the way he speaks to me at times and calls me names, makes me feel horrible about myself. I also don't think it's healthy and shows a complete disregard for me, as well as a lack of respect.

 

Not only has he said some extremely messed up things to me, but he has been possessive. We will be on skype and he will question who I skype. He has called me a liar multiple times. He has even went as far as accusing me of lying about when I go out because he claims I lie about everything. He questions EVERYTHING I have felt. Even when I was doing nothing wrong at all. He yet again convinced me that it was a normal reaction to me hooking up with someone and that I should stick it out even if I didn't like it.

 

On top of all of that... he's extremely irresponsible for his age. He is thirty seven years old and his mom is paying his rent, he doesn't work and has not worked in 4 or 5 years, he doesn't have a car, he just got his licence back after it was suspended and he also owes a lot of child support (not even sure the amount) but he has said things about not being able to leave the country because of it. He just started working on getting a certificate at a trade school. He expects to complete it in june. But during that whole time I know he won't work, his elderly mom will pay for all his needs and ON TOP OF that he still goes out with friends to clubs, bars and the movies. Which wouldn't be a problem, BUT HE'S not paying for his own way in life and it makes him seem like such a leech to still rely on his mother."

OP, I cannot understand what you get out of this, as it is unhealthy on so many levels. It is also pure fantasy, as you have NEVER met this waste of an individual. Why are you not interacting with men that you can see touch and go out with? There are NO shared memories here. Do your friends and family know about this???

 

Does your therapist know the background, if so, what was said?

 

You have gotten a ton of good advice - which you agree with - but refuse to follow through on. How many more threads will be created with the same question?

[runningman922]

I cant judge this person just yet, you mentioned health problems and that he is going to school. Thats at least better than not doing anything at all but still not good enough.

What exactly is his health problem, is it psychological?

To be honest, everyone should be selfish. Meaning to care for yourself first. To grow your life ahead or to be stunted, that is the question.

[Zaphod]

That's not what she said. She said outside of his hypochondria he is a pleasant person that enjoys hanging out with friends and partying on a regular basis. .

 

Damn sorry I missed that bit. My eyesight's going in my old age.

 

Then I'm afraid I have to retract my earlier posts and say just give him a dry slap.

[Rising100]

To be honest, everyone should be selfish. Meaning to care for yourself first. To grow your life ahead or to be stunted, that is the question.

 

Are you f****** kidding me?? Everyone should be selfish?

If I was selfish my friend would have killed himself years ago, some of my coworkers would have been fired because nobody was training them when they first got hired, one of my friends would have been kicked out when his wife stole money from his bank account, etc etc.

Helping people or stopping your glorious perfect life to give someone else a hand is not a bad thing, you never know the day you will be the one in need.

Not that you will, you are perfectly independant and cool that you will never need help.

[Rising100]

Everyone is judging this guy so much and judging her for being there for him, wow, everyone here is perfect so lets look down on these two people because yea, we are so much better and in a position to judge.

Its obvious she cares about him, sure she isnt happy with how things are going but she still cares.

And this man sounds like hes got some serious issues, I wouldnt want to be in his position.

[Hollyj]

Damn sorry I missed that bit. My eyesight's going in my old age.

 

Then I'm afraid I have to retract my earlier posts and say just give him a dry slap.

 

Time to update that prescription

[Hollyj]

Are you f****** kidding me?? Everyone should be selfish?

If I was selfish my friend would have killed himself years ago, some of my coworkers would have been fired because nobody was training them when they first got hired, one of my friends would have been kicked out when his wife stole money from his bank account, etc etc.

Helping people or stopping your glorious perfect life to give someone else a hand is not a bad thing, you never know the day you will be the one in need.

Not that you will, you are perfectly independant and cool that you will never need help.

 

I agree with Running! We need to put ourselves first. Meaning, we do not choose people who take advantage, manipulate, abuse or use us. This has NOTHING to do with not helping others in need, as we are talking about a romantic relationship - she has never met this individual.

 

This guy is 37 years old, and does not offer a future to this young woman. She should be looking for a compatible partner to grow with, not someone who is going to weigh her down, and suck the life out of her. Clearly, she does not respect this guy - as most wouldn't - and she should move on.

[Hollyj]

Are you f****** kidding me?? Everyone should be selfish?

If I was selfish my friend would have killed himself years ago, some of my coworkers would have been fired because nobody was training them when they first got hired, one of my friends would have been kicked out when his wife stole money from his bank account, etc etc.

Helping people or stopping your glorious perfect life to give someone else a hand is not a bad thing, you never know the day you will be the one in need.

Not that you will, you are perfectly independant and cool that you will never need help.

 

One more thing, I absolutely hate it when people have to reveal their good deeds - Who is the deed benefiting ! When i do things for someone, it is between us. I do not have the need to tell the world how I have helped others.

[Wiseman2]

Ok that at least makes the logistics of breaking up easier since he's not living with you or near you. He lives with his parents and they support him? How far away is he?

We haven't met in person yet. Which has been a huge issue. We have skyped a lot and talked on the phone but that's it.

[Zaphod]

Sad really, that seemingly a majority of couples just don't work or don't believe they can work because they're a different status, different race, different age, different religion, different work ethic, different financial situation etc.

 

Them's the breaks, I guess. It puts a hell of a lot of people by the wayside though.

 

In this example, you will undoubtedly find the parents have some kind of dictatorial power over this man over what partner he chooses, due to the "belief" system that they choose to be part of, or feel that they have to be part of due to their peers or society. This will be a quagmire for you to negotiate.

 

We all have to face the fact from time to time that we can't have the partner we'd like, be it for a good reason, or be it for stupid irrational reason, the outcome's still the same. And in this instance, sadly, it looks like this is the case.

[Rising100]

I agree with Running! We need to put ourselves first. Meaning, we do not choose people who take advantage, manipulate, abuse or use us. This has NOTHING to do with not helping others in need, as we are talking about a romantic relationship - she has never met this individual.

 

This guy is 37 years old, and does not offer a future to this young woman. She should be looking for a compatible partner to grow with, not someone who is going to weigh her down, and suck the life out of her. Clearly, she does not respect this guy - as most wouldn't - and she should move on.

 

I never said one should let others abuse us or manipulate us. I clearly said one shouldnt be selfish, ok